A.N. Hey Guys! Yep that's right I'm posting something new, and a multi-chapter fic at that O_O. I know it's a shock, but I hope you enjoy. My vision of this world is that you have your soulmates words on your wrist and the name is almost always romantic so things like gay relationships have always been accepted because your name trumps all. That's why neither Spencer or Derek freak out over having a guy's name and no one around them comments on it. Also, I've seen a lot of fics where Spencer fights the bond and Derek is all for it, but after everything with Buford I think that he would fight it as well-not for the same reasons though. Because of that, and because I'm writing this there will be a LOT of angst as we go along. Happy ending for this one though eventually-pinky promise. Also I grabbed all info off CM wiki, so if spelling or dates are wrong blame them. Please Reid and Review!

Loves' Denial

Introduction

"Our universe grants every soul a twin-a reflection of themselves -the kindred spirit – And no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other- even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find one another. This is destiny; this is love." – Julie Dillon

Spencer Reid had never really been a believer in the soulmate system. He'd been born with the name Derek Morgan written in clear black lettering on the inside of his right wrist. Since he'd been born with the name he knew that his soulmate-Derek was older than him. How much older exactly and what they were like he would not know until they met in person. This was not an even he was looking forward to.

Spencer had seen early on that soulmates were not a guarantee. Perhaps when he'd been very young he'd believed in the system, and in Disney stereotypes, but no longer. When his father had left those beliefs had shattered.

His mother and father had been soulmates. He could remember when he was very young, before everything fell apart he would trace their marks while his mother told him of how they met and his father smiled at her with a face full of love. She would talk and he would dream of Derek Morgan and of happy ever afters. Then she had gotten sick, his father had left, and everything had changed.

In her worst moments his mother would scream and rant about how the names were fake and how the government used them to control the people. This, Spencer knew was not true. Numerous studies had been done on the marks. Not much was truly known about them. Everyone knew that people like himself who had been born with the marks had soulmates who were already and that those who were not born with them had their marks burn themselves onto their skin the moment their mate was born no matter where they were on what they were doing. What no one knew was where the marks came from, or why a few people (about 1% of the population) was born without marks. Spencer had no more answers then the others, but he was certain that wherever the marks came from it was far bigger and more powerful than the government would ever be.

So, it was not the insane ramblings of his mother that destroyed what little faith he may have had left in soulmates after his father's abandonment, but rather her silent and broken longing in her sober moments. He was a genius with a predisposition to schizophrenia and a broken family; the last thing he needed was another force in his life that could push him over the edge. So, as he did with most things in his life that he didn't like to think about (it was a rather long list) he firmly pushed the idea of soulmates and all thoughts of Derek Morgan out of his brain.

Spencer made sure to wear either long sleeves, some sort of cuff over his wrist or both to cover the name. He also perfected a poker face so that when the meeting did happen he would be able to show no visible sign of recognition. His hope and plan was to walk away from that meeting without the other person-without Derek Morgan-even knowing they had met. What Spencer didn't know was that thousands of miles away in Chicago his soulmate was doing almost the exact same thing.

Derek Morgan had not been born with his words. When he was younger this had worried him. As other kids talked about their names and what their future mates might be like he kept to the background silent and worried that he was one of the rare 1% without a name. Finally he asked his ma about it and she explained kindly that he did have a name-they just hadn't been born yet. This reassured him and his belief in soulmates came back stronger than ever

The years went on, and just as his faith was again beginning to waver a name burned itself unto his wrist. He remembered the exact date; October 9th, 1981. He was ecstatic as he read the name over and over again, ingraining it in his memory. Spencer Reid. He wondered what sort of person the other male would be, how they would meet, and how they would live. For two blissful years he dreamed of Spencer and the life they would have before disaster struck and shattered his dreams irreparably.

Derek was ten and suddenly the moment he remembered perfectly every time he closed his eyes was no longer when Spencer's name had burned itself unto his wrist, but rather when his father had been shot right in front of him. He saw his mother's grief, and for the first time saw the downside to soulmates. How could someone go on without half their soul? His dreams filled with a faceless form he somehow knew was Spencer dying and leaving him only half alive, a gaping hole in his chest, and only half a heart.

Unable to deal with the trauma of his father's death, his mother's grief, and his own nightmares Derek started doing anything he could to forget He bought a leather cuff and for the first time since it had appeared began to cover Spencer's name on his wrist. He also started fighting.

The fighting felt good. It helped him forget everything except for the rush of battle, and the feel of flesh under his fists. He stopped caring about his fading mother, forgot his dead father and the soulmate who would likely kill him in the heat of battle. A part of him hoped that the fighting would kill him before Spencer could ever get the chance.

This of course could not go on forever, and eventually the end came in the form of Carl Buford. Buford introduced Derek to football where he could get the same high as in the fight without hurting anybody and got him back on track. At first it seemed great, perfect really-almost too good to be true, which it would soon prove to be.

Derek had almost started believing in the beauty of soulmates again, had been thinking of taking the cuff off Spencer's name when the abuse started. He'd believed Buford of course, had known that with his record and Buford's reputation no one would believe him. He'd known it would break his mother's heart all over again right as it was finally starting to heal. He'd known these things to be so, so he'd kept his mouth shut and had taken it.

Every time Buford took him on a "camping trip" or gave him "extra training" he'd kept his mouth shut. He bit his lips and forced the tears back inside his eyes if they tried to leak out. He kept his mouth shut even as he went home feeling more and more dirty. He kept his mouth shut even as he started having trouble looking his ma in the eyes.

By the end of it-by the time he went off to college he was certain he was too dirty for anyone decent to love. So he kept Spencer's name hidden and promised himself that if he ever met the other he would walk away instead of forcing them to live with someone as dirty, as broken, as used as he was.

"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life." – Merle Shain