don't google the joke barney tells. (maybe just look it up on wikipedia instead.)

this is how it goes with me: i write sad drama and then i have to let all my dumb ideas out in something completely different. this was borne out of joking around with Snowbound Mermaid, so, uh, you know. sorry it wasn't frank lloyd wright!

2005.

Lily is so pretty, so I wrote this little ditty, I think it's such a pity if everyone doesn't know —

"Aww, that's kind of cute," Robin says, looking up from the magazine she's reading on the sofa. She blinks when she realises that Marshall isn't anywhere in the vicinity.

— that she's just so cute, Marshall's disembodied voice continues to sing. Lily does a pleased shimmy and answers her phone. Robin raises her eyebrows.

"It kind of is, isn't it?" Ted says, coming from the kitchen with fresh beers and settling into the chair.

"Marshall recorded her a special ringtone song? Forget cute, it's downright disgusting," says Robin, sitting up to grab her bottle.

"Crazy disgusting," Ted agrees fondly.

"I think it's sweet," says Lily, hanging up. "And that was Marshall. He ran into Barney at the bodega, so I guess they'll be up in a couple of minutes."

"For someone who lives on the Upper East Side, Barney does a lot of shopping in your neighbourhood," Robin says.

"It's best not to question it too much," says Ted. "How long has that been your ringtone?" he asks Lily, who pops open her own beer.

"Oh, a few weeks," she says, fanning her left hand in front of her face. "It was an engagement present."

"Aww," says Robin. "Is he going to write a new one when you get married?"

"I hope so!" Lily sighs happily, leaning against the back of the sofa. "Maybe it can be our thing. Maybe every year I'll get a new, special song from my Marshmallow."

"You guys are going to be the cutest, grossest married people ever," Robin says.

"Damn straight," says Lily.

Marshall — and Barney — arrive a minute or two later, Marshall with bags of snacks and Barney completely empty handed. "Oh, hey guys," he says casually, "I was just in the neighbourhood." He grabs the beer that was meant for Ted and settles onto the arm of the sofa and is basically ignored.

"Lil was just telling us about her ringtone," says Ted, as Marshall heads to the kitchen to pour chips into one bowl and mild salsa into another.

"Oh, yeah, it was crazy hard to rhyme phone with something, but then I realised: tone! Right there!" He comes back with the nachos.

"Well, I love your song," Lily says. They coo and kiss and snuggle.

"Wait," says Barney. "Marshall wrote Lily a rhyming song? For her phone? Can you say disgusting?"

"It's sweet," says Ted. "Even Robin thinks so."

"Yeah, even I think so," Robin says, loading a chip up with salsa and avoiding looking at anyone.

"You just don't have any appreciation for true love," Marshall sniffs, his arm around Lily.

Barney doesn't so much as blink. "No, probably not. Hey, instead of hanging around some lame apartment eating chips, let's go to the movies! There's one near my place showing all the Jurassic Parks!"

2007.

Let's go to the mall — today!

"Oh my god, Ted," Robin says, massaging her forehead. "Did you really…?"

"It wasn't my phone," Ted says defensively, putting it back in his pocket after a quick check.

"It wasn't me, either," says Barney, doing the same.

"Or me…" Lily says. "Wait, then whose phone was it?"

"Sorry," says Marshall, emerging from his and Lily's bedroom, phone in hand. "That was me."

"Wait. It's all your ringtones?" Robin asks, horrified.

"It's just a really good song," Ted says with a mostly-straight face.

"My favourite song," says Barney.

"We're just proud of you, as friends," Lily says earnestly, grinning.

"I hate you all," Robin sulks, slumping into the sofa.

C'mon Jessica — c'mon Tori —

Four hands reach into four pockets for four mobile phones. "Me!" Barney exclaims, shooting up from the arm of the sofa. His voice goes all smooth as he walks into the kitchen for privacy: "Hey, baby…"

"Okay," Ted admits, "maybe three of us should change our ringtones."

2009.

They're sitting around the booth, three beers into the night, and:

"No way. Jurassic Park."

"How can you even say that? Jaws was a masterpiece!"

"Lily. Jurassic Park had dinosaurs."

"Barney has a point, baby — dinosaurs are pretty awesome."

"See? Thank you. Jurassic Park is the clear winner."

"Oh, come on! Are you really going to disagree with famed movie critic Roger Ebert? Jawsis on the Great Movies list. Jurassic Park? Is not."

"Ted, are you serious right now? You —"

The debate is interrupted by the tinny sound of death metal, racing bass and pounding drums and a low male voice half singing, half shouting about murder. And… public transportation? Robin giggles and bites her lip and answers the phone. "This is Robin… oh, hi, Ron!"

Steven Spielberg entirely forgotten, the rest of the gang stares openly at Robin until her conversation ends.

"Robin," says Ted; "what was that?"

"Oh," says Robin, flipping her phone shut, "just some guy I met a few days ago, we're going out Friday."

"I believe our good buddy Ted was talking about your phone," says Lily.

"Yeah, since when do you like metal?" Marshall asks, smiling over his glass.

"And what kind of a lame name is Ron?" Barney adds.

"Psh, whatever! It's a great song, okay?" Robin giggles and plays with her hair. "I mean, if you listen to the lyrics… it's totally deep?"

"Hang on," says Lily, squinting and leaning across the booth. "You're being awfully giggly, and you're playing with your hair. Where did you hear this song?"

"Okay, if you must know, it's by this band that played on my show last year. And I just really liked the song! What's wrong with using it for my ringtone?"

Barney squints and sits up in sudden understanding. "Simon," he seethes. Robin lets out an involuntary giggle.

"Oh my god, Stinson's right!" Lily says, flapping her hands. "This is your ex-boyfriend's band!"

"The one who dumped you in the same way? Twice?" Ted asks.

"Revertigo!" says Marshall with a certain triumphant gleam in his eyes.

"It's not revertigo! It has nothing to do with Simon!" Robin says, spoiling the effect by blushing and playing with her hair. "It's just a really cool… deep song… that he e-mailed me last week…"

"You e-mail him?" Barney asks.

"Uh, Robin, the song is about murder and trains," says Ted.

"Which is a metaphor," Robin says, rolling her eyes.

"And I quote: climb aboard the murder train," Ted continues, eyebrows raised.

"Wait, is it the train that's committing the murder, or do you get murdered once you step aboard said murder train?" Marshall asks.

"Sweetie, you need to change your ringtone," says Lily, reaching across the table to lay her hand over Robin's. "For your own good."

2011.

"Maurice Chevalier was a singer," Marshall says, frowning.

"He was a ocean guy," Robin insists. "That famous ocean guy. He had a book."

"Wait — do you mean Jaques Cousteau?" Ted asks, laughing incredulously.

"Robin," Barney says seriously, "I know French people are practically interchangeable, but you're Canadian!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Robin asks, annoyed and blushing.

"I don't know, something about speaking French… I just thought we needed a reminder!"

"Wait, I know him — he sang the song in The Aristocats," Lily says. She shrugs at everyone's looks. "Kindergarden teacher. I know my Disney."

"Oh, I know that one," Barney says, perking up. "A family walks into a talent agency: Dad, mom, daughter, son; even good ol' Fido! The father says to the agent, we have a really amazing act, you should —" Marshall and Ted simultaneously dive for Barney, to prevent him from telling his joke and causing Lily and Robin to abandon them for the foreseeable future. There's a scuffle, and Barney settles back down in a huff. "Fine! Fine."

Drawn by the chaos, a pretty brunette approaches the booth. "Ted? Ted Mosby?"

Everyone gives her their full and unsubtle attention. Ted jumps to his feet. "Oh my god — Sandra? After the Puerto Rican day parade, I didn't think —"

"— I'd ever see you again!" Sandra squeals, giving an excited little bounce. "It's fate!"

"It's totally fate!" Ted tries to subtly fix his hair. "Let me buy you a drink!" He leads Sandra to the bar, the two of them already giggling and leaning close. The rest of the gang watch with practiced eyes.

"I give it two weeks," says Robin.

"I give it two hours," says Barney.

"Oh, come on, maybe she's the one!" Marshall says optimistically.

"So, about Jaques Cousteau," Lily says, not about to let that one go, but Barney interrupts.

"I stole Ted's phone while he had me in a headlock," he announces, producing it out of his jacket pocket and slamming it onto the table.

Everyone gasps in shocked delight. "How?" Robin asks.

"Magician," Barney says with a scoff, wriggling his fingers and his eyebrows. "If I had to listen to one more Belle and Sebastian song whenever he got a call, I was going to kill myself."

"Oh, I know," Marshall says. "He's such a douchebag sometimes."

"Quick, quick!" says Lily, "what's his pin code?"

"Try 0-4-2-5," Marshall suggests; Ted's birthday. It doesn't work: neither does Ted's birth year.

"1-9-3-9? For that stupid penny?" Robin suggests. No.

"1-9-7-7? The greatest year in cinematic history?" Marshall offers. Barney taps the proffered fist, but it's a no.

"0-0-0-0? Maybe he's lazy?" Lily guesses. No.

"We're going about this all wrong," says Barney. "Marshall had the right idea. This is Ted. He would chose someone significant… set his pin code to something meaningful…" he trails off. "1-1-1-8."

"Barney, he didn't set it to your birthday," Robin says, snatching the phone and trying 0-7-2-3.

"Barney's right. Ted would have picked something sentimental, something important to him…" Lily says, her eyes narrowing. "Some kind of architecture nerd crap!"

Everyone's phones come out, and some frantic googling ensues. "Got it," says Marshall. "The Empire State Building's street address… is 3-5-0 5th Ave."

"Yes!" Robin squeals, punching the numbers in. "We're in!"

They cheer; high-fives all around. "Let's change that bastard's ring tone!" Barney exclaims.

"Wait —" says Lily, it finally occurring to her to ask: "To what?"

2013.

"Guys, guys!" Barney says excitedly, running up to the booth. He quickly leans over to kiss Robin in greeting, and slides in opposite her, next to Lily. "I have great news!"

"Half off suit sale?" Lily guesses.

"Late Christmas bonus?" suggests Marshall.

"Upcoming Laser-Tag tournament in Queens?" Robin asks.

"You guys want a DJ after all?" Ted asks excitedly, sitting upright.

"Quality suits are never half off; got my bonus weeks ago; yes, it's going to be legendary; and Ted, get your head out of your ass," Barney says, pointing at each of the gang in turn. "No, my news is something far, far better. So much better, it will literally blow your minds. So much better, you may live the rest of your lives with a vague sense of disappointment, knowing that nothing will ever come close to — so much better, that I can't even do a ten minute bit on how better; I'm so excited, I'm just going to tell you!" He whips out his iPhone and slams it onto the table.

"As you may recall," Barney continues dramatically, "last week, we learned stunning new information about our favourite teenage Canadian pop star." He presses a button, and PS: I Love You begins to play. "Pretty good speakers, right?" he says conversationally. "Off market. I know a guy."

"Okay," says Robin. "We were all there, we've seen this already." She rolls her eyes and takes a slightly embarrassed drink of her beer.

Barney raises his finger at his fiancée. "Ah, but!" he presses on his phone, and Let's Go To The Mall begins. He gives everyone a look, and repeats the gesture. The Beaver Song starts, and he, Ted, and Marshall all have to take a moment to try not to giggle. Finally, the synth-heavy opening of Sandcastles In The Sand queues up. He presses pause after a few bars.

"Okay, you're giving us really meaningful looks," says Ted, "but I don't get it."

Lily gasps. "Robin's going on a comeback tour?"

"Ooh!" Marshall says, eyes wide. Ted gasps hopefully over at Robin, and Barney looks so excited that he forgets for a moment what he was leading up to.

"Yes! Robin, please say yes. I will finance this out of pocket. I will drain my life savings. You have to do this. For us."

"There is no way in hell —" Robin falters, surrounded by hopeful, eager faces. She does the only thing she can, which is to quickly undo the top button of her blouse and lean over the booth at Barney. "I mean, what were you going to say, sweetie?"

The combination of boobs and confusion over being called sweetie distracts Barney. "Oh, right. There's four songs now, so we all can have Robin Sparkles ringtones without it getting confusing," he finishes without dramatic fanfare.

Beat.

"I call Mall!" Lily slams her fist onto the table.

"Beaver Song!" says Ted. "No! Sandcastles — no, I want Mall —"

"I just don't want the creepy stalker song," Marshall says. "Baby, can't I have Mall?"

"You can have Mall if I can have the Sandcastles," Lily decides.

"I wanted Mall!"

"We all want Mall!" says Lily. "I've got dibs!"

"Fine — I'll guess I'll take Sandcastles," Ted says with a disappointed sigh.

"Mine," Barney seethes.

"Okay," says Robin, raising her voice. "Sparkles speaks! Marshall gets Mall, Lily gets the Beaver Song, Ted, you get PS, Barney gets Sandcastles, and I am going to get drunk."

"It's too bad there isn't a fifth Robin Sparkles song," Marshall says, watching her head to the bar. "She's missing out on so much."

"I don't know, I feel like Barney digs us up a new one every year or so," Ted says conversationally.

Barney raises his glass in acknowledgement. "Besides, I already set Robin up with something even better. And I'm not just talking about in bed." He picks up his phone and calls her as she returns with a beer. From her pocket comes the unmistakable sound of fast guitar, a singer who is definitely not Barney Stinson loudly and energetically proclaiming how awesome he is.

"I'm going to kill you," Robin says.

2015.

"If the nightingales could sing like you… they'd sing much sweeter than they do… for you brought a new kind of love to me…" Barney sings, humming the next few lyrics under his breath. He's turned on the sofa so he's facing his wife, and it's a love song, so maybe it's a romantic moment… but he looks smug and Robin looks annoyed. "Jaques Cousteau," he says upon Tracy's questioning look.

"The ocean guy?" she asks.

"Don't ask," Ted says.

"It's my ringtone," Barney further explains.

"He's a moron," Robin says, rolling her eyes.

Tracy settles onto Barney and Robin's sofa. "What's your ringtone?" Barney asks Tracy, leaning towards her a little, as Marshall turns on the giant TV and starts flipping through the DVR.

"Uh, I just have one of the default ones," she says.

Everyone reacts like this is strange and unusual.

"Lame," says Barney.

"You should get a song!" says Ted.

"Marshall can write you a song," Robin offers.

"Marshall will not write you a song," Lily says jealously.

"Have we discovered any new Robin Sparkles songs recently?" Marshall asks.

"The new Mumford And Sons album is so good," says Ted, "how about that?"

"I'm actually okay with 'By The Seaside' by 'Default Sounds,'" Tracy says, bemused, loading a chip up with mild salsa and taking a bite.

"Ted, you're engaged to such a weirdo," Barney says, shaking his head with real sadness.

Marshall presses play, and they all settle in to watch Maurice Chevalier's The Undersea World.

"Don't worry, bro," Ted says, leaning to whisper it in Barney's ear. "She'll come around."