Ch 1- More Than My Heart Can Take

November 1919

Charles Carson was tired. His whole body ached from exhaustion and he thought he might collapse as he made his way down the road and back to his humble house, his tiny treasure sound asleep on his shoulder. He didn't even know why he'd asked Lord Grantham for a house now that he didn't have Elsie there to share it with but it had made sense at the time. Mrs. Patmore had been against the idea but he'd insisted.

'It'll be a proper home for Elspeth just as her mother wanted,' he'd said.

And a proper home it was…only it was a home they were almost never at. He found the place wanting, void of Elsie's warmth and love. Sometimes returning to it in the evening made him feel all the more empty inside, as if there was a gaping hole in his soul, and caused him to wish that he and his young daughter had stayed living at Downton.

"Hmmm Daddy." She whispered, beginning to stir as he opened their door.

"Shu Elspeth, my lovely girl just go back to sleep."

There'd been a dinner party that night. It was exceptionally late and Mrs. Patmore had put on Elspeth's nightgown and gotten her ready for bed long before she and her father had left the abbey. He took her upstairs first thing when they got home and tucked her into bed, kissing her forehead.

"Mama." She cried under her breath.

His heart sank and he found himself crushed by the fact that his child was wanting for a mother she'd never met. She'd been doing so much of it lately: crying for her, asking questions about her, talking about her. Carson might confess to you that it was all a bit much for him to handle. In fact, it was ripping him apart just as he was beginning to really feel again.

"Good night my treasure." He whispered smiling bittersweetly as he placed her stuffed bear under her tiny arm. She cuddled it in her sleep and turned on her side beginning to snore.

Carson closed her door quietly and retired to his own quarters, his heart heavy. Sometimes he wondered if he'd done the right thing in keeping the girl, but he knew he'd never had wanted to go on with out her, that precious piece of his Elsie, and that it would've dishonored her memory to surrender the child. She, after all, was what Mrs. Hughes had given her life for.

He walked into his room and picked up a pillow off his bed. It had once been hers and even after all this time, still smelled of her. He needed the comfort she brought him more than he could say, especially on days like this when his daughter challenged him and he wasn't sure he could go on. It wasn't that she'd done anything mischievous, she was after all, part Carson. But she was quite the little Mrs. Hughes…or at least, that's what Thomas had called her earlier in the day, much to Elspeth's delight.

Carson could've throttled him for the comment. It didn't matter that it was true, it hurt him and he couldn't stand to think of her that way, although many times he couldn't help it. Elspeth was quite the snoop, always helping people, and most of all, it seemed that by the day she grew more and more into Elsie's features. As much as he adored her it was sometimes difficult for him to handle, especially when he still saw his late love everywhere he looked. This was why he'd called the child Elspeth but never Elsie: because he couldn't bear to do it.

He sat on the edge of his bed, his nose buried deep in Elsie's pillow.

"What do I do?" He whispered as he began to cry. "I want to do well by her Elsie, I love her more than anything…but sometimes missing you is much too much and it feels like my heart can't take it anymore."

The butler would never admit this to anyone. Since Mrs. Hughes' passing, he'd remained staunch and emotionless when it came to the subject of Elsie Hughes, only showing his true feelings to Lord Grantham, Mrs. Patmore and of course Elspeth…when she was a baby. He'd wanted people to assume that he'd coldly moved forward after she died, but it was everyone's understanding, that he was damaged and had never recovered from the deep pain he'd been suddenly submerged in one freezing November night. Little Elspeth, on the other hand, didn't understand that her father had feelings about it one way or the other, or that she brought him great pain as well as joy.

Carson climbed into bed, still hugging the pillow. He felt unspeakably lonely and cold to the core. He stared into the night, unable to close his eyes for fear he'd see what he always did at night: the warmth of her smile and the flash of her deep blue eyes staring back at him. He couldn't take it; she was everywhere, even in the pitch black of the night and he couldn't confide in a soul.

"Elsie Hughes." She'd never been a Carson; she hadn't had the proper chance. "My Elsie Hughes…I miss you, if only you could tell me…please show me what to do."

After a while Carson succumbed to sleep, still clutching his love's pillow for comfort. His eyes were shut tight, giving him the appearance of being pained as he slept. A hand ran through his hair and down his jaw very suddenly, caressing his cheek affectionately.

"I'm here my Charlie. I love you so much and all you have to do is listen." She whispered, leaning down to kiss his forehead. Carson sighed in his sleep, growing comfortable instantly as the apparition disappeared into the night.