Technical Difficulties, a misc. movies fanfic

Technical Difficulties

(A/N The critics can say what they will, but I loved Chappie. The interaction between Chappie and his "family" was the best part of the film. I wrote this because I wondered how Yolandi would adjust to being a robot. I thought it would be much harder for her than for Deon. Please forgive what I am sure are plenty of mistakes with the Afrikaans; I had to use a list of expressions I found online. As always, feedback is welcome but no flames please.)

This isn't working for you, is it?"

Ninja glared down at his lap. It wasn't. The happiest day of his whole life had been when Chappie showed him that he had "uploaded" Mommy onto a new key. Yolandi was the only woman who truly got him, got who he was. He would have done anything to have her back, but he hadn't paused to consider the practical aspects of the situation.

Yolandi removed her 'hand' from him. "How about we make it like this: you do what you need to do, just don't ever bring the teefs home, ne?"

As he looked into Yolandi's sculptured face, Ninja felt like a complete poes. Gratitude was practically an alien sensation. Gangsters don't fokkin' cry! He reminded himself sternly. "You sure?"

Yolandi shrugged. "I don't know what's going to happen with me, either. Does robo-naii even exist?"

"Have to ask Deon about that." Ninja scowled at the thought. It was probably impossible, but he hoped the little draadtrekker had a sense of self-preservation. Robot or not, he's gonna be in a world of hurt if he puts one tin finger on MY girl!

Yolandi giggled. "Christ, Ninja-kun! Don't be jealous. I'd be surprised if he knows how humans do it, let alone robots! This is the same idoot who thought mankind needed a robot who could write poetry, remember?"

Ninja snorted a laugh. "Stupid fokker."

"Here. Watch your movies for a while. I'm gonna go check on Chappie." Yolandi tossed him two of his favorite pornos, and Ninja settled in for another evening of manual exercise. "Gimme a beer?"

"You got it, baby."

"Mommy?"

" Hi, Chappie. Is that for your room?

Chappie nodded vigorously. "It's Daddy's car. The car I'm gonna get him someday."

The painting on the easel looked like a Jag with a huge gun rack mounted next to the passenger-side window. The body of the car was covered with black, yellow and pink graffiti. The word ZEF was painted on the roof in chunky, zig-zag letters.

"He'll like that."

"Will he like it, Mommy?" Chappie asked hopefully. It made Yolandi feel sad. Chappie never stopped trying to please Ninja, even though his successes were few and far between.

"Sure he will. It's kiff! Even if we can't get anything that fancy, you can still pimp it out." Yolandi sat down next to the other robot. Maybe they could teach Chappie how to really paint cars. Chopping was big business and everyone wanted their ride customized. It would also enable them to keep Chappie hidden from the outside. The agents were still looking for him and Deon too.

"Where's Maker?" she asked, noticing that the red Scout droid wasn't in the room.

"Looking. He says if he can find a charger, he can fix our batteries so we don't have to worry about new ones."

"Batteries not included", she muttered.

"What do you mean, Mommy? We have batteries included."

Yolandi smiled or at least, she did something that still felt like smiling. She knew her face was nothing more than a molded sheet of plastic, but she still felt the phantom sensation of muscles that were no longer there. She guessed it was like people who'd lost their arms and legs: sometimes they could still feel them itching.

"Nothing, bokkie. It's just an expression."

"What expression? Your face looks the same."

"Not that kind of expression, Chappie. An expression of words…a figure of speech."

"Oh. I know that. I know figure of speech." Chappie looked at her for a minute longer, his ears drooping. "You're sad, Mommy?"

"Yeh. A bit."

"Why?"

"Because everything's different, and I miss how I used to be."

"You're still pretty, Mommy."

Yolandi buried her "face" in her hands. Pretty, she thought. But not human. Never be human again, and my man still is.

"Mommy? Don't cry. Please don't cry. I love you. Daddy loves you." Chappie put his arms around her.

She didn't answer. Whatever he promised, sooner or later, Ninja would need human companionship and she had to be ready for that. Yolandi only hoped she wouldn't kill her, whoever that future girl was.

"Love you too, bokkie. Love you lots and lots." She hugged Chappie back and fought down a howl of loneliness emanating from the center of her being.

"Hello? Where is everyone?" Deon felt quite refreshed. The charger he'd found only needed a few modifications to work. If they took turns, one per night, he and Chappie and Yolandi would be able to take care of their own power supplies.

"In here, Maker!" Chappie called from his room.

"Fok off!" yelled Ninja from the master bedroom.

Deon found Yolandi in Chappie's "room", a semi-refurbished closet. One advantage of not having a body made of bone and muscle was that you didn't need beds. The closet had one side open to the outside air. Yolandi sat next to Chappie, her head on his shoulder. Chappie was stroking her head. "What's wrong?" Deon asked.

"Mommy is sad."

"Oh." Deon shifted uncomfortably. "Should I go away?"

"Ne. I'm all right" Yolandi straightened up and pressed her plastic face against Chappie's metal one. "Thanks, bokkie. I feel better now."

"Did Chappie help?"

"Chappie helped." The female droid tweaked one of Chappie's ears affectionately. Chappie flashed smiley emoticons across his viewer. It made Yolandi chuckle.

Deon watched, feeling envious. Despite Chappie's affection for him, he had never bonded with Deon the way he had with the two gangsters he considered his "parents". The fact that Ninja was a complete shitbag made no difference in the world; just as it wouldn't have to a real human child. "The charger works if you want to use it" he said. "All I had to do was modify the ports. How is your battery, Chappie?"

"It's half-full, Maker. Can Chappie try the charger next?"

"Certainly. Yolandi? How about you?"

"I'm all right for now. Chappie, go with Maker and get hooked up. I have to ask him some questions. Grown-up ones."

"Okay, Mommy."

When Deon returned, he found Yolandi sitting at the edge of the closet, facing the setting sun. "What was it you wanted to ask me?"

"Can robots fuck?"

"What?!"

"You heard me."

"Is this some kind of joke?!"

"Just answer the fokken question!"

"No! Why would they need to?"

"Oh, I dunno…maybe just in case they USED TO BE HUMAN!" Yolandi turned her head. Her Lucite viewers had gone jet black; she was plainly furious.

"Well…" Deon wasn't at all sure how to handle this new development. "Theoretically, if the program worked, a robot would be able to experience some type of pleasure response, but it wouldn't be physical. That would be impossible."

"Then what would it be like?"

"How would I know such a thing?!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE FOKKEN GENIUS! JESUS CHRIST! HOW THE FOK CAN YOU BE SO SMART AND STILL BE SO STUPID?!"

"Hey!" Ninja came charging into the room. "'The fok's going on 'ere? I just got to the best part!"

"She just asked me how robots have coitus, that's what! Did you put her up to this?! Does your mind ever leave the gutter?! Do you—"

Ninja pulled his gun and leveled it at Deon's face. "This may not do much, but you're not gonna disrespect me in my own house, bru. You got that? What the fok is 'coitus'?"

"It means sexual intercourse."

Slowly, Ninja lowered his weapon. He turned to Yolandi. "What…the..FOK?!"

Yolandi crossed her arms. "Don't kak all over yourself. It's just a question."

"Who the hell is there for you to do it with, doos? This poes? Your "son"? You gonna cheat on me with them?!"

Yolandi's hand shot out and grabbed the enraged gangster by the neck. Ninja gagged, his eyes bugging out as she spoke very slowly and deliberately. "All I'm trying to do, Ninja-kun, is to see if there's any way we can be together."

"All right, all right! Leggo! Jesus!"

"Do you think I'm happy like this? I can never touch you again and feel it. I'm bunch of fokkin' metal and wires. Sooner or later, you'll find some human teef to take my place."

She let go and Ninja rubbed his neck. He actually looked a little ashamed of himself, but he wasn't willing to let the fight go yet. "I'm still 'ere, ant I?"

"Yeh. For now."

"This is a variable I haven't considered before!" Deon chose the worst possible moment to chime in. "When a human consciousness is already fully formed, how will it react to being housed in a non-organic body?"

"Why don't you tell us, ya fokkin little twit?!" Ninja snapped. He sat down next to Yolandi. "Girl, when I thought you were gone, I wanted to go with you. I may be a selfish bastard, but you're my heart, baby. Never forget that! We'll get around the other thing somehow."

"This could be a whole new area of experimentation with the program!" Deon said excitedly. "When Chappie captured your memories and thoughts, he surely captured pleasurable ones. If I could analyze their effect on your primary circuits—"

"You're not touching her, jou hol bossel!"

"I assure you, I have no desire to do so" Deon said in tones of offended dignity. "No, for this experiment, I would need both of you.

Neither gangster spoke for a moment. "So what do I do?" Ninja asked at last.

"You sure you're all right with this, Ninja-kun?"

"Yeh, why not? I'm making a contribution to science, right? And I'm gonna make my girl happy, and if my girl ain't happy—"

"—then ain't NOBODY happy!" Yolandi finished. She and Ninja laughed while Deon reflected that he felt more comfortable as a robot than he ever did as a man. Humans made no sense whatsoever.

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H.B. Fach That's terrific! I laughed so hard! It's a pretty legit question; would robots, even those housing human consciousness, have those kinds of desires? Ninja better not piss off any of the three droids,

Adrianne Price

Jul 9

That's terrific! I laughed so hard! It's a pretty legit question; would robots, even those housing human consciousness, have those kinds of desires?

Ninja better not piss off any of the three droids, though...

Show original message

From: Adrianne Price ladyhawkex
To: H.B. Fach boltwoman55
Sent: Thursday, July 9, 2015 10:37 AM
Subject: Story for U!

Feel free to alter, change and post or not! ;-)

This isn't working for you, is it?"

Ninja sighed. It wasn't. The happiest day of his whole life had been when Chappie showed him that he had "uploaded" Mommy onto a new key. Yolandi was the only woman who truly got him, got who he was. He would have done anything to have her back, but he hadn't paused to consider the practical aspects of the situation.

Yolandi removed her 'hand' from him. "How about we make it like this: you do what you need to do, just don't ever bring the teefs home, ne?"

As he looked into Yolandi's still, sculptured face, Ninja felt like a complete poes. Gratitude was practically an alien sensation. Gangsters don't fokkin' cry! He reminded himself sternly. "You sure?"

Yolandi shrugged. "I don't know what's going to happen with me, either. Does robo-naii even exist? Or is it just something people write about on the Internet?"

Ninja snorted a laugh. "Stupid fokker."

"Here. Watch your movies for a while. I'm gonna go check on Chappie." Yolandi tossed him two of his favorite pornos, and Ninja settled in for another evening of manual exercise. "Gimme a beer?"

"You got it, baby."

"Mommy?"

" Hi, Chappie. Is that for your room?

Chappie nodded vigorously. "It's Daddy's car. The car I'm gonna get him someday."

"He'll like that."

"Will he like it, Mommy?" Chappie asked hopefully. It made Yolandi feel sad. Chappie never stopped trying to please Ninja, even though his successes were few and far between.

"Sure he will. It's kif! Even if we can't get anything that fancy, you can still pimp it out for us." Yolandi sat down next to the other robot. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to teach Chappie how to really paint cars. Chopping was big business and everyone wanted their ride customized. It would also enable them to keep Chappie hidden from the outside. The agents were still looking for him and Deon too.

"Where's Maker?" she asked, noticing that the red Scout droid wasn't in the room.

"Looking. He says if he can find a charger, he can fix our batteries so we don't have to worry about new ones."

"Batteries not included", she muttered.

"What do you mean, Mommy? We have batteries included."

"Nothing, bokkie. It's just an expression."

"What expression? Your face looks the same."

"Not that kind of expression, Chappie. An expression of words…a figure of speech."

"Oh. I know that. I know figure of speech." Chappie looked at her for a minute longer, his ears drooping. "You're sad, Mommy?"

"Yeh. A bit."

"Why?"

"Because everything's different, and I miss how I used to be."

"You're still pretty, Mommy."

"Love you too, bokkie. Love you lots and lots." She hugged Chappie back and fought down a howl of loneliness emanating from the center of her being.

"In here, Maker!" Chappie called from his room.

"Piss off!" yelled Ninja from the master bedroom.

"Mommy is sad."

"Oh." Deon shifted uncomfortably. "Should I go away?"

"Ne. I'm all right" Yolandi straightened up and pressed her plastic face against Chappie's metal one. "Thanks, bokkie. I feel better now."

"Did Chappie help?"

"Chappie helped." The female droid tweaked one of Chappie's ears affectionately. Chappie flashed smiley emoticons across his viewer. It made Yolandi chuckle.

"It's half-full, Maker. Can Chappie try the charger next?"

"Certainly. Yolandi? How about you?"

"I'm all right for now. Chappie, go with Maker and get hooked up. I have to ask him some questions. Grown-up ones."

"Okay, Mommy."

When Deon returned, he found Yolandi sitting at the edge of the closet, facing the setting sun. "What was it you wanted to ask me?"

"Can robots fuck?"

"What?!"

"You heard me."

"Is this some kind of joke?!"

"Just answer the fokken question!"

"No! Why would they need to?"

"Oh, I dunno…maybe just in case they USED TO BE HUMAN!" Yolandi turned her head. Her Lucite viewers had gone from blue to bright scarlet; she was plainly furious.

"Then what would it be like?"

"How should I know such a thing?!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE FOKKEN GENIUS! JESUS CHRIST! HOW THE FOK CAN YOU BE SO SMART AND STILL BE SO STUPID?!"

"Hey!" Ninja came charging into the room. "'The fok's going on 'ere? I just got to the best part!"

"She just asked me how robots have coitus, that's what! Did you put her up to this?! Does your mind ever leave the gutter?! Do you—"

Ninja pulled his gun and leveled it at Deon's face. "This may not do much, but you're not gonna disrespect me in my own house, bru. You got that? What the fok is 'coitus'?"

"It means sexual intercourse."

Slowly, Ninja lowered his weapon. He turned to Yolandi. "What…the..FOK?!"

Yolandi crossed her arms. "Don't kak all over yourself. It's just a question."

"Who the hell is there for you to do it with, doos? This mompie? Your "son"? You gonna cheat on me with them?!"

Yolandi's hand shot out and grabbed the enraged gangster by the neck. He gagged, his eyes bugging out as she spoke very slowly and deliberately. "All I'm trying to do, Ninja-kun, is to see if there's any way we can be together."

"All right, all right! Leggo! Jesus!"

"Do you think I'm happy like this? I can never touch you again and feel it. I'm bunch of fokkin' metal and wires. Sooner or later, you'll find some human teef to take my place."

She let go and Ninja rubbed his neck. He actually looked a little ashamed of himself, but he wasn't willing to let the fight go yet. "I'm still 'ere, ant I?"

"Yeh. For now."

"This is a variable I haven't considered before." Deon chose the worst possible moment to chime in. "When a human consciousness is already fully formed, how will it react to being housed in a non-organic body?"

"You're not touching her, jou hol bossel!"

"I assure you, I have no desire to do so" Deon said in tones of offended dignity. "No, for this experiment, I would need both of you.

Neither gangster spoke for a moment. "So what do I do?" Ninja asked at last.

"You sure you're all right with this, Ninja-kun?"

"Yeh, why not? I'm making a contribution to science, right? And I'm gonna make my girl happy, and if mama ain't happy—"

"—then ain't NOBODY happy!" Yolandi finished. She and Ninja laughed while Deon reflected that he felt more comfortable as a robot than he ever did as a man. Humans made no sense whatsoever.