A/N: Happy 2K everyone, this is for all my readers who specifically wanted to know Thranduil's POV in those early days of the main fanfiction To Live Again - anyone coming across this I would suggest you read the main fic to understand what is going on, this is merely an accompanying book.
This little collection of chapters are basically the idea of the wonderful Raider-K who suggested I write down Thranduil's actual thoughts to the events of To Live Again. It starts the night Thranduil comes to visit Clara in the servants quarters with a gift of new paints which is set in Chapter 6 of the main fic To Live Again.
1. Because it was Real
"I would suggest you take it slowly my lord, your muscles are wasted...it will take some time to build up your stamina...gentle runs, minor resistance...NO combat, healers orders!"
I nod, I smile, I look completely interested in his conversation. If Calanon believes for one second I am even remotely paying attention, he would be even more inept than I had initially imagined. I am a parent...falling asleep whilst standing up is an art you develop rather quickly. Especially when your precious little bundle refuses to sleep...or even just be still for a moment.
Ai! A moment...Eru knows how much I would give for just a moments peace. Not from my son of course, oh Valar no! I'd rather spend my days with him than be bothered listening to this...what was the word she used...ee-jit? Huh...what a bizarre dialect? Bizarre, but fascinating...she is a riddle.
A beautiful riddle. A distractingly beautiful riddle!
I flinch slightly as my mind conjures her up, almost tauntingly. I loathe, and yet love, that I cannot erase her from my thoughts. I shouldn't care, I shouldn't entertain her...this is wrong! It is not right, I was joined before, I can't feel this way. Oh why must she enter my life now? A century ago and I would never have gave it a second thought...but then again, I never cared much before. In my pride I probably would have overlooked her...too caught up in my own self importance to notice truly beautiful things. It is ironic how physical beauty becomes fleeting when you no longer have it to flaunt.
No, I am afraid there would never have been a right time to meet her. I am not blessed with fortunate luck in love, and I suppose this is just another stark reminder of such misfortune.
Ah, but she is sweet. And alone! She shouldn't be alone. But she mistrusts me, and I suppose I would be suspicious of the over kindness of a stranger too. But she doesn't realise what she has done, she couldn't know how she has helped me. To have my son back, to fix what I thought was impossible to achieve on my own...I cannot ever repay her. Just to see my boy smile in her presence cripples my heart. She gives him what I took away from him - what I wasn't strong or good enough to provide him with. The most important right and greatest need he could have - a maternal love - and I failed to ensure he had even that. Yet, she provides it, and I do not ever want to take that from him. If I loved her, I would only jeopardise his happiness...and I have done that enough!
"My lord?
"Hmm?"
I snap my head up to meet the healer's questioning gaze, and silently berate myself for daydreaming. Calanon graces me with a bashful look, as he pushes a parcel wrapped in brown paper towards me. I tentatively take it, turning it over in my hand, before frowning - honestly I cannot stand dithering idiots.
"It is paint...for Clara...the elleth you hired." He reminds me, and I scowl.
"I know who she is, what is this to do with me?"
"Well, it is a gift and I was wondering, if it wasn't too much trouble...could you leave it for her?" He asks me cautiously, before bowing his head; "It is just I care for her wellbeing, I believe it will be good for her to do what she loves...and I am so busy I-"
"No it is fine!" I cut in a little too enthusiastically, and I cringe at my voice. "I mean...I understand...its hardly a trouble. I shall leave it with Raffyn when I return."
With that said I limp out of the healer's office, with barely an audible farewell. I hate healing halls.
Admittedly I have no intention of giving this parcel to Raffyn. I intend on hand delivering it myself. It is the perfect excuse for me to mend this ridiculous notion she has - that I some how mean her ill will. I also just want - no I need - to see her again.