Contrary to Hashirama's hopes, he did not get to entertain two Uchiha during Obito's recuperation period. Madara made damn sure of that. If Obito was going to be his successor, then he would do so as sanely as possible.

He could not be sane if he was randomly hearing Hashirama's voice.

So Madara feigned sleep while young Obito recuperated. Poor Madara could not actually sleep, however, because he had come across a horrifying discovery… He didn't know how, and he didn't know why, but somehow being connected to the Gedo Statue and the Tree was not such a good thing for him after all. Oh, it kept him alive, but it was a tree he was connected to.

… More or less.

In other words, Hashirama's apparition was gaining in power all these years he'd been connected to the Gedo Mazo. And he hadn't said a word because he thought it was funny. To the insane Senju, it would be hilarious to take over Madara's body and wreak havoc. But now that Madara was keeping Hashirama away from the impressionable brat… Hashirama had little else to do beyond chatter away annoyingly at Madara. So he threatened to take over Madara's body the second he went to sleep. Which in all seriousness was quite terrifying to Madara; Hashirama in control of his body would only ruin his plans to save the world.

"Doh, it's okay, Mads. We'll take turns. You do a little, ooh, I dunno, molesting over good ol' Obito, and then I'll do some hit-and-runs with the Gedo Statue. I promise, I'll hand control of your body right back when my turn's done!"

… So he could not sleep, and he could not interact with little Obito. At all. Lest Hashirama drive the brat insane, too. Hashirama was very capable of driving a man insane; like that one time he had asked a Zetsu to keep him awake no matter the cost… Hashirama had 'overshadowed' the Zetsu clone and serenaded him.

Serenaded. Him.

That was one experience he could have gone to the grave without. And now the bastard was at it again.

"Rock-a-bye Mads, I'm getting free. Soon you'll be the one trapped inside me! So keep drooping your eyes, take a load off. Soon Mads will be gone, and I will be here."

Madara twitched his bloodshot eye at the apparition before him. That had to be the single scariest lullaby ever. Period. No. Exclamation point. That did not help things. That couldn't be further from helping things.

But. But, but, but. His torment was almost over. Young Obito was just about ready to leave the cave. And then… Then it would just be a little longer before he could rest in peace until the final stage of the Infinite Tsukuyomi!

"Don't talk like that! I know what you're planning, Mads, and it ain't gonna work! You still have a while to wait, while I only need you to lose control even for a second! You don't even need to fall asleep at this point, all I need is…"

An urgent voice suddenly echoed throughout the cave.

"I've been outside! Those Rin and Stupid Kakashi people you were talking about are in danger!"

Madara blinked as he suddenly found himself seemingly outside his body – that was the only way he could describe it, really, because there seemed to be a layer of 'Hashirama' over it now. Well. At least in his eyes; from the looks of it, it was all a hallucination or an illusion because Obito didn't seem to notice.

Basically, they'd switched places. All because he was sleep-deprived and indeed all it took was some kind of distraction for Hashirama to take over. Which was unfair because it was his body. Damn Hashirama…

"… Are you going…?" Hashirama asked Obito, who had apparently just channeled the Gedo Statue's power to shatter the boulder that sealed off the cave they were in.

"I thank you for saving me. … But I'm going! I need to go!" Obito declared in a determined voice.

From Madara's point of view, Hashirama's visage appeared rather grim. Hashirama was capable of being serious, after all, and this was a child that was about to lose his innocence…

"You're being too hasty… It might be too early to thank me…"

"I don't think I'll come here again. At least I thanked you. … I'm going!"

"You will come back here…" Hashirama declared in a tone that left no room for argument, much to Madara's surprise. "… and that time you will thank me sincerely…"

Madara watched as Obito ignored the prophecy and had the White Zetsu lead him to his former teammates. Once the boy was gone, he turned back to Hashirama, who was fingering (his!) dark blue cloak and running a hand through (his!) hair.

"You kept to the script…" Madara couldn't help but feel impressed. Hashirama sooo could've screwed everything here and now…

Hashirama offered a lopsided grin.

"That boy is going to have just as many issues as you do, Mads… How could I deprive the world of that?"

Madara stared twitchily at the insane Senju… stared, and stared, and stared. And stared some more. Twitchily.

"On the contrary, that boy…"

"Will be the 'savior of the world', blah, blah, blah!" Hashirama grinned widely and leaped to his feet. … An action that was highly inadvisable. "Whoops! There goes the back…"

Even Madara cringed at the clearly audible snapping of bones that came with that abrupt action. Not because it hurt Hashirama… no, no, no. Hashirama's neck needed to be snapped… preferably nine times. No, he cringed because he would be the one feeling that when Hashirama relinquished control of his body.

Foolish hallucination/body snatcher.

"… I must insist you give me back my body." Madara said in that flat, old fogey tone of his. Damn he hated old age…

"Can't do that, Mads! Gotta do something first."

Madara twitched violently.

"What could you possibly…"

"You molested Obito for a while, now I get to do some hit-and-runs with the Gedo Statue." Hashirama cut him off with an amused expression. Madara could naught but stare flatly at his hated enemy.

"What."

"Don't worry! I'll plow through a few small villages and it'll be your turn again!"

"What."

Madara could not believe Hashirama had actually done that… What the hell was that bastard thinking?!

Or… not thinking in this case…

"In fairness, I think your little Uchiha Curse shtick is affecting me, too, Mads. It's a two-way street – my DNA helped you awaken the Rinnegan, and you, ohhh… helped give my DNA perspective. Life's much more fun when you throw caution to the wind!

Perspective? Is that what he calls running through seven small villages like the Gedo Statue was running a marathon?! The White Zetsu just wouldn't stop asking him what that was all about, either! It was very out of character for him, taking the Gedo Statue out for a 'joyride'. Hashirama would suffer for this…

"Doh, don't be like that, Mads. There's sooo much fun to be had out there! Think about it, all those heads to smash, all those bones to break! It's like the world's one giant battlefield, and you're just asserting your dominance over everyone!

… Where the hell was Obito? He was… he was done. Hashirama was irritably bearable without the Gedo Statue attached to him like life support, and now he was just… just… Madara couldn't take it anymore. He was old, he was tired, and Hashirama wasn't helping!

"Y'know, I couldn't help but notice you have this annoying voice in the back of your head, Mads… While I was having my little joyride, this really raspy, angry voice kept asking what the hell I was doing. And I'm not talking about you. I don't like it. That voice is getting in the way of our friendship, Mads! There's only room for you and me in here!"

Madara honestly didn't know what the hell Hashirama was talking about... and at this point he just didn't care. He would argue against Hashirama's 'place' in his head… but it looked like Obito was finally back. Time to go to work and create a perfect little pawn!

"Mads, I'm concerned about that Black Zetsu fellow. He sounds just like that naggy voice that was trying to stop my little joyride!"

'Were you not listening, Hashirama? Black Zetsu is my Will, existing for the sole purpose of…'

"For the sole purpose of manipulating you!" Hashirama cut him off. "Haven't you ever wondered how you have such an intimate knowledge of the Rinnegan, Mads? I'm tellin' ya, this guy's been feeding you information from day one! Like an evil court jester, whispering in your ear!"

'I worked out the Rinnegan all by myself.' Madara inwardly sniffed haughtily. After all, he had to keep up appearances to the very end. He was that genius that comes along… Wait a minute. No, he was no longer simply that 'once a century genius'. That was far too modest of him… No, by unlocking the Rinnegan and its secrets, he was God. Of course he had puzzled out the inner workings of the Rinnegan. He'd kept some secrets to himself, like Limbo, so that if Obito actually did turn against him, he'd have an ace or two up his sleeve… Never mind the fact that to turn against him all Obito had to do was not resurrect him. No, Madara firmly ignored that very real possibility. Obito had the Curse Seal upon his heart. Yes. He'd given Obito his sacred mission, trained him, and had now given the brat a superior/consultant. After all, left to his own devices, Obito could screw up everything… Which is why… 'We're done, Hashirama. Nothing you say will change the fact that I have accomplished everything I set out to do.'

"Oh, Kami, you're delusional…" Hashirama grumbled. He'd be among the first to admit he was a little crazy being cooped up in Mads's head, but c'mon! Madara was buying the honey-laced lies of a voice in the back of his head that clearly wasn't his, was putting his faith in a brat that quite frankly lost the love of his life and would probably turn against Mads on that fact alone whenever he found out… and after all that, not only did Madara believe he could manipulate Obito, he believed he was at the friggin' top of the pecking order!

Moron.

There was a strange tearing sound as Madara severed his connection to the Gedo Statue, cutting off Hashirama from his ruminations and making his eyes as big as saucer plates.

"Mads, wait!"

Madara, finally free to die, rasped harshly as he sat down and looked at Obito.

"Now, go… until the time I am revived…"

It took a few moments, but Obito did eventually turn around and leave the cave. Hashirama was wildly gesticulating with his arms as Madara sat on his throne in his final moments.

"Don't you head towards the light, Mads! They'll never let me in!"

A ghost of a smile appeared on Madara's lips despite the immense pain he was in.

"They would… spit you out of Hell, bastard… not even the deepest pits would take you…"

"Will I be rejoined with the rest of my Chakra?! Will we stay together like two peas in a pod?! Just what will happen to me?!" Hashirama bellowed, clearly distressed about his own situation. Madara had to say… it served the bastard right. After all the shit he had to put up with over the years… In the end, though, Hashirama dramatically sighed and crumpled to the ground. "So… this is the end… Oh, I always knew I'd be there when you died, Mads. I just didn't know I'd be in your head."

Madara ceased listening to Hashirama's drivel at this point. This was it. His death. Sweet death would purge him of Hashirama's influence and reunite him with Izuna… a fine way to spend his afterlife until he was brought back to initiate the Infinite Tsukoyomi.

And then a horrifying thought occurred to Madara… He had replaced half of that brat Obito's body with White Zetsu… which was basically just a clone of Hashirama… Would that mean... that the brat would have his own Hashirama apparition…?! It is at this moment that Madara passes away, with the most horrified expression on his face.

Hashirama could still ruin everything…

Author's Note: Well, that's the end of this one. Perhaps a bit lackluster, but honestly, it was always going to end this way. There're plans for a sequel – I think you know what that will entail – and even perhaps an interlude, alluded to at the end here. However, for now this is the end of Madara and Hashirama's grand adventures. Perhaps it's not done all that well, but I certainly had fun. Hope y'all had a chuckle or two. ^^

Review Replies:

Duesal Bladesinger: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed at least most of this. :D

Black' Victor Cachat: Yeah… I kinda wanted bits of canon in here, even if that runs contrary to the crackfic feel of it all. Basically, if the story twisted canon too much, it couldn't poke fun at some of the elements… like I did with BZ here. No dialogue from him, just Hashirama noting BZ's influence where it should not be… and Madara is completely oblivious to it because 'he is God'. lol BZ probably pulled off manipulating Madara very well actually, but the 'voice in the back of his head' thing kinda stuck out to me. Makes for great crackfic material. :D