It had all started… with an ingenious plan.

Well, more precisely, Madara thought it had been ingenious, at the time. Really, who would've thought that a stone tablet could yield such insight? It was brilliant! To be unstoppable, all Madara had to do was add the Senju power onto himself. And to think, he'd wasted time and effort attacking the Leaf again and again just to triumph over Hashirama. All that effort ended in failure. All this time, all he had to do was take a chunk of Hashirama and consume it. Only a genius could have divined such an interpretation from the Uchiha Stone Tablet.

Yes, Madara patted himself on the back for a good long while after he had consumed a chunk of Hashirama's arm. He was that genius that appeared once every century or so. No doubt about it. When he saw that insufferable Hashirama once again, he would finally dish out the fool's just desserts.

That was the plan. But then things went down the crapper. You see, what most people don't realize about Chakra is that it is the essence of a person's spirit. And while Madara had only taken a very, very tiny chunk from Hashirama's vast reserves, he had still taken a portion of the man's spirit. Normally that wouldn't be a bad thing; the Chakra, if left lying around, would dissipate after a while, the spirit would eventually return to its original host body, and everyone could go their merry way.

But Madara ate Hashirama's Chakra. It was slowly being absorbed into Madara's impressive reserves, slowly becoming indistinguishable from Madara's own. That made for an interesting little side effect that Madara had never anticipated or desired. Put simply… the proud Uchiha now had to endure a lifelong companion. One that would never go away. Ever.

"Maaadaraaa…"

Madara squeezed his eyes shut tightly, wiling the voice to go away.

"Maaadaraaa…"

Why? Why did he have to eat that chunk of meat?

"Maaadaraaa…"

It was well past the time to get up. But now with each passing morning, getting up meant seeing him. And the sad part was that he moved wherever he pleased. Which was usually in Madara's line of sight.

"Get up, Mads! I know you can hear me. It's time to continue planning out our Infinity Moons plan!"

Madara gritted his teeth together and squeezed his eyes shut tighter.

"For the last time, it's Project Tsukuyomi!" Madara's right hand flew to his mouth as he tried and failed to contain that exclamation.

Dear kami, why did he answer him? Now he'd be ten times worse.

"Yeah, I know. But you won't acknowledge me if I call your plan by its 'proper title'. You normally just go about your day without saying two words to me! That really hurts, Mads."

Madara's eyes slowly opened and he began to twitch violently. Hovering over him was the smiling figure of his former best friend. Hashirama Senju. It wasn't the real Hashirama Senju, no… No, the real Hashirama was in the village they created together by joining the Senju and Uchiha Clans. This Hashirama was an unfortunate side effect of his brilliant plan to bring about everlasting peace. He hadn't even awakened the Rinnegan for all the trouble that Hashirama had been giving him for weeks now.

Foolish lying tablet. He would destroy that worthless slab at a later date. He was still recuperating from the injuries incurred from his last battle with the real Hashirama. At least his recovery rate had exponentially improved. That was one good thing that came from his disastrous idea.

"So I've been thinking…" Hashirama began as Madara stretched his joints and got up from his rather simple bed. "You do have a point about that backstabbing village you helped create. They're a bunch of bastards, the whole lot of 'em. Especially Tobs. I mean, he killed Izuna! And he was totally ready to finish you off when I kicked your ass! Nobody steals my kills. Nobody."

Madara rolled his eyes as Hashirama went off into a tangent. Not that he was listening to what Hashirama had to say. Nope.

"Don't give me that look!" Hashirama whined. "If we're being honest with each other, I think you're affecting me as much as I'm affecting you. That's why I'm okay with you wiping the village off the map; they'll still be in our wonderful dream!"

Madara snorted. Right. The Infinite Tsukuyomi. That's what he had to concentrate on right now. Not Hashirama. … How was he going to cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi without the Rinnegan? The whole plan hinged on him possessing two Rinnegan. The flower would not bloom without two Rinnegan, damn it!

Well, that and he kind of needed all nine Tailed Beasts to come together again to form the Ten-Tails. Without them there'd be no flower period. He'd had the Nine-Tails for a short while, but then he lost it to Hashirama…

"Don't glare at me that way, mister! Glare #53, the 'this-is-all-your-fault' glare. I can hear those gears churning away in there. I can hear your every thought!"

… How was he going to track down the other eight Tailed Beasts? Sure, he was well aware that Hashirama had sold most of those Chakra constructs to the other nations, that bastard Tobirama's idea and all that, but that was a far cry from knowing their precise locations. He absolutely needed those beasts.

"Why not start with the Hidden Leaf? Burn it to the ground while you're at it? You could totally smash it to pieces with your Perfect Susano'o!"

No, the Nine-Tails needed to be captured last of all. According to that worthless tablet anyway. But he needed the storage vessel for the Tailed Beasts as well, or else capturing them all would be meaningless. Best to leave the Nine-Tails in a safe place until it was time to retrieve it.

"Are you suuure that's the only reason you're leaving it for the 'time being'?" The spectral form of Hashirama wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Madara repressed the fact that Hashirama ever used that tone of voice, amongst the other numerous hellacious things he'd suffered through the last forty three days, twenty two hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty seven seconds because of Hashirama. This was all Hashirama's fault. He never kept time like that. Especially when he was holed up in a cave like he was.

Right. Back to the Tailed Beasts. He would need to journey to the other Hidden Villages to confirm their locations. Quite the herculean task for one man, but he was Madara Uchiha. The former Uchiha Clan Head. He would one day possess the most powerful Chakra and bring about eternal peace!

"Don't forget me! I'll always be there to protect you! … Well, I can't really protect you, but I'll always be there in spirit. Really."

This would be Hell.

AN: If you couldn't tell already from the summary and the overall feel, this is a crackfic. This was inspired from Arkham Knight, when a bit of the Joker lives on in Batman. Expect attempts at humor and overall silliness. I suppose it's a bit of commentary on the series as a whole, too, at least through Madara's eyes, but don't get all defensive about it. I still respect the series, but no series is perfect, I'll be the first to admit that. Like another of my fanfics, this one will be updated irregularly; but it'll be fun for me to write, so I hope you get some enjoyment from reading it, too.

Also, because this is meant to be lighthearted don't expect a Hashirama that tries to talk Madara out of certain actions. I could have made this a serious idea but I'm not going to because I need something like this for some downtime from my more serious fics. I got enough 'serious' fanfics with TToNU and JCA:A, I don't need yet another one to add to the pile. To be fair, Hashirama is a bit like this, especially when Tobirama isn't reeling him in. Just not to this extent. No, this is crack!Hashirama and crack!Madara, so don't try applying canon logic to their characters because this story will resist it, at least in regards to how they act. The plot itself will follow the path of canon, more or less.