EDIT 11/24/15

Title: Oil, Water, and Blood

Summary: Time travel, magic, and chakra don't mix, and they never have. Well, that is, until you meet Rokudaime Hokage, Kakashi Hatake, because he wakes up one day in the body of his eleven year old self—and is almost immediately assigned a mission with the rest of Team 7 to a school of magic. Oh goody.

Warnings: Swearing, violence, crude humor, no pairings outside of canon, unbetaed work, spoilers, possible OOC, crackish, etc.

Notes: -insert creative disclaimer here-

~oOo~

Paperwork is a bitch.

Oh, the woes of being a Hokage—this is exactly why he never wanted the job in the first place; damn Tsunade and forcing the job on him. And it's not like he's actually that great of a leader in the first place, really.

Kakashi briefly wonders if Naruto ever even considered the horrendous amount of paperwork he would have to do as Hokage.

Probably not, since the boy hates work of any kind.

Kakashi yawns, sets his calligraphy pen aside, and heads off to where his bed is beckoning.

~oOo~

Kakashi wakes up in the Hatake Compound, in his old room.

He blinks blearily before sitting up, internally panicking while outwardly observing. His chakra levels are normal, but he seems… shorter. A lot. Like, a lot of centimeters shorter.

Glancing down at his clothing, he realizes these aren't the clothes he was wearing before going to sleep—and holy shit, his hands are smaller than he remembers. They're like, half his actual size. It's like… I shrunk in the wash or something. Or… I did whatever Gai did to get Lee. He shudders in horror at the thought.

Kakashi feels his eyebrow twitch, but he rolls out of bed, taking far longer than he remembers for his feet to touch the ground, and as he stands up and stumbles towards the mirror, he resists the urge to bash his face in on the nearest surface. (Which happens to be said mirror. And he'd probably break the thing and get cuts all over his face.)

There is no scar on his eye. The lack of a Sharingan doesn't surprise him, since Madara had ripped it out, but his height and age difference certainly do. (Well, maybe if he broke that mirror, he'd get the scar back.)

Fuck.

He's been dumped into the past.

If it actually is the past and not a genjutsu. Or a drug induced dream. He wouldn't put it past Naruto to pull shit like this.

~oOo~

After getting changed and getting used to his smaller body, he realizes that his chakra levels are far higher than it is in this timeline—great to know one thing hasn't changed for him… He wonders if Pakkun is still the Pakkun he knows. One way to find out.

Kakashi opens the scroll, biting down on his thumb and wiping the blood on his scroll. With a poof, a young Pakkun appears, looking bored as usual. And much smaller. Much, much smaller. He's more of a puppy, actually.

"Is this a prank?" Pakkun deadpans. "Because is it me, or are you a quarter of your age?"

"Great. I'm not the only one who thinks so," Kakashi replies, ruffling Pakkun's ears fondly. "Do you think it'd be funny to join Team Seven late and use one of Obito's excuses?"

Pakkun raises an eyebrow, and Kakashi can tell he's fighting not to grin. "Funny? Hilarious is more like it."

Kakashi smirks under his mask. "I'll do it."

~oOo~

Kakashi hides his presence in a tree, watching Minato-sensei and Rin waiting around for him and Obito, looking worried, while Kakashi himself mourns the loss of his Icha-Icha books. His fingers twitch. They weren't even written at this point…

He'd gotten over his teammates' deaths soon after Obito actually died and came to visit him in the space between the Pure Land and this world. Kakashi still visits (visited?) the Memorial Stone, but not to lament about his mistakes anymore, mostly because he's half convinced that Obito will somehow defy the laws of the world (again) and kick his ass for it (again).

"I'm sorry!" Obito shouts desperately, panting and out of breath, breaking Kakashi out of his train of thought. "I saw a black cat, so I had to take another—wait, where's Bakashi?"

"I don't know!" Rin exclaims, sounding worried and reminding Kakashi of Sakura (he finds it slightly ironic, since he's used to comparing Sakura to Rin). "He hasn't shown up!"

Now, Kakashi decides, is the time to show up.

He shunshins a distance away from them, before walking over calmly with a perfect deadpan.

"Sorry I'm late. You see, there was this black cat that crossed my path, and I didn't want any bad luck so I had to take another route," Kakashi explains, hiding his smirk with increasing difficulty. Oh how he wishes for his Icha-Icha.

Rin, Minato-sensei, and Obito openly gape at him.

"H-hey, Kakashi," Minato-sensei says weakly. "Are you okay?"

"Hmm? Why wouldn't I be?" Kakashi replies, feigning innocence.

"Are you under a genjutsu?"

Kakashi rolls his eyes at that. "Yes. I am. Totally. Because, you know, I'd totally let some random retard use a genjutsu on me. Ha. Ha. Ha. That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell. And what would the point be, anyway?"

"You're acting really weird, Bakashi," Obito says slowly, squinting at him.

"Hmm? Weird? What's the definition of 'normal' again?"

Minato-sensei coughs awkwardly. "Kakashi, are you really sure you're okay?"

"That depends on what your definition of 'okay' is."

Rin puts a hand on his forehead, and Kakashi just blinks, letting her, while Obito looks on with horribly hidden jealously, to which Kakashi internally rolls his eyes. "He doesn't have a fever," Rin informs Minato-sensei and Obito.

"See, I'm fine. Now, aren't we going to do a mission or train or something?"

Minato-sensei blinks rapidly before regaining his composure. "A-ah, yes. This one's a long term B-Ranked mission."

Kakashi suppresses a groan—B-ranks are so easy and boring—while Obito cheers loudly and obnoxiously and Rin smiles widely. Then he realizes he doesn't remember a B-ranked long term mission. He wonders if that's a good or a bad thing.

"Well, B-rank at most. We'll need to meet up with the Sandaime, come on."

~oOo~

It's almost a shock to see the Sandaime alive, but Kakashi manages to keep a stoic face throughout the entire thing. Said thing is actually a debriefing.

"Now, I have received a letter from an old friend of mine, requesting for some help. So first things first—you are aware of magic, yes?"

Kakashi dregs up old things from his memories; he'd dealt with wizards before, but only briefly. They were quite odd, and had an odd fixation on a hairy potter. I think? "Somewhat. It's a form of chakra, except less pure, pulled from the surrounding air, and requires a medium to channel it. To borrow Shikaku-san's words—far more troublesome. And pointless."

The Sandaime looks pleased. "That is correct! Well, subtracting your last two sentences. Now, wizards are people who use magic, and live outside of the Nations. They have enlisted our help, and are paying us handsomely for a team of ninja for a ten to twelve month period."

"That long?" Kakashi can't help but ask, raising an eyebrow.

The Hokage nods in affirmation. "Will you take the request? I feel it'll be a good bonding experience for all of you, especially considering the mission takes place at a school specifically for teaching magic."

"I'll do it if I'm allowed to be a teacher," Kakashi deadpans.

The Sandaime stares at him, blinking slowly.

"It was a joke. Jeez."

It turns out that the Sandaime isn't the only one staring now.

"Goddammit, why am I not allowed to crack a joke?"

Silence.

"You know what? I give up. Continue."

Almost as if a switch has been flicked, they all come back to life. "Ah yes. Where was I…? Well, will you take the mission?"

Minato-sensei nods. "I think it'll be a great opportunity. So, how are we going to do this?"

"You will be going undercover as a foreign teacher with his three students to inspect this school, Hogwarts, for a year to compare the differences between our school and theirs. However, you are actually there to protect the school from an escaped convict known as Sirius Black and capture him, alive preferably.

"Please beware that, while Sirius Black may not pose too much of a threat to us, my friend, Albus Dumbledore, has expressed concerns of a possibility that he may be completely innocent of the accusation against him, which is, by the way, the murder of thirteen Muggles, or humans who cannot use magic."

Kakashi tilts his head slightly. "I see…" he murmurs. "And do you want us to pose as transfer students or Minato-sensei's students who're there to observe?"

"You'll have to ask Albus for the rest of the details," the Sandaime answers. He rummages around on his desk before procuring four bracelets, one for each person.

"These are translation bracelets," the Hokage explains. "If you wear them they'll allow for you to speak in both our language and their language, which they call English."

"They're quite… feminine. Like friendship bracelets," Kakashi comments dryly. "The power of friendship shall trump all!" Despite how stupidly cheesy it is, it works. I wish I could use the Therapy no Jutsu as well as Naruto can. They should really rename the damn thing the Naruto Effect™.

At the weird looks he gets, Kakashi sighs. "Damn. I forgot. No jokes." He coughs slightly. "Hokage-sama, could I get some books to study the language instead?" Well, I already know English and a multitude of other languages, but you know, suspicion…

"Oh, yes. I thought you'd want to learn, so I asked Albus for a book on learning the language." The Sandaime passes a thick tome to Kakashi, which Kakashi accepts with a dip of his head and a murmur of thank you.

"You leave in a month; pack your bags. I expect at least monthly reports! You're dismissed."

~oOo~

a/n: I hope you enjoyed this, because I enjoyed writing this! I promise the future chapters will be longer, but this one's more of exposition… which always sucks. Reviews are (greatly) appreciated!