Trying something different this chapter, and giving an insight into Connie's thoughts for a change! I've never done anything like this before, so please do feed back! Enjoy x

Song for this chapter: Over You by Roxy Music

Dear Rita,

There are no words that can sum up what I want to say to you. How could it? Language, as powerful as it is, still cannot even closely describe my feelings.

I love you. As far as I can see, I always will. I'm sorry that it is not enough to keep us together.

After coming out here, seeing the true impact of my absence on my daughter's life, it's impossible to tear myself away. I think about all the messed up kids from broken homes that we see every day, and I look at her, and I can't bear it. I need to give her stability.

And that's why I can't return home to you - and believe me that when I say 'home' I mean it. I have never felt so at peace with anyone as I have with you, but I can't keep putting myself first. Things need to change.

I'm sorry.

Connie

Dear Rita,

I miss you so much; it's like a knife to my gut. Everywhere I look I see you. I wish you were here. I wish things weren't like this. I wish I had a way out.

Grace is more happy than she's ever been, I can tell, and part of that fills me with elation. But at the same time, I wonder whether it is truly good for her to have a mother who is so deeply unhappy, so tormented. She doesn't seem to notice, but I know all too well just how these things can radiate from a person, even though they don't realise it.

America is great. I mean, I had no problem finding a job, and my colleagues are all wonderful. Not that I often socialise with them outside of work. Sam says I should lighten up a little, that I should get over my hostility and coldness towards others; I know that you would understand why I can't.

Do you remember, all those months ago, when we were still hiding our relationship, when we drove down to Weston-super-Mare for a weekend together. We had stayed in that unfortunate bed and breakfast, with damp carpets and no central heating. I had wanted to get a room and the five star in the centre of town, but you were having none of it. You wrapped your arms around me, kissed me on the lips in a way that made my head spin and dragged me down to bed, and it was so cold in that room and so dreary outside that we spent a whole three days wrapped up in that duvet, taking it in turn to brave the icy air to collect the room service as it arrived. And despite all that, I think it was the best holiday of my life; I was so content. I lost count of how many times I told you I love you, and even more the amount of times that I thought it. I'd watch you, as you dozed, and feel my heart swell as it never has before in my life. If I'm honest, thinking of you, it often still does. But you always understood why I found things like that so difficult, and you always took the care to comfort me, to put me at ease. You always brought me back down to earth; you humanised me. I need you, Rita, but I'm so trapped. I hope that you can understand, someday.

I love you.

Connie

Rita,

Today I'm really feeling it, and I can't seem to drag myself out. It's like a cloud of soot, covering me, consuming me. I'm suffocating.

Dear Rita,

I'm determined to be happy here now. I need to be. The past couple of weeks I have been more than out of sorts, and both Sam and Grace have noticed. But it's not like it was with you; when you confronted me, I could see understanding, and I could let you in. I wanted to let you in. With Sam, however, I just don't have the faith. We are not connected as you and I were, and never will be.

I know you have probably moved on by now, and I'm glad. You deserve someone who can give you all the things you deserve, all the things that I can't. And I will be happy here. It's just going to take time.

Love,

Connie

Dear Rita,

We're getting married. He asked, and I agreed. I can't not. This is for Grace.

I can't believe how I've lost myself like this. I am an empty shell. Once upon a time I wouldn't have dreamt of giving up my own happiness for anyone - family or not.

I'm fading.

Connie

Rita,

I can do this. I have the strength. I'm going to walk up to that altar, and I'm not going to look back. I can do it.

Rita,

I take it back. I know that in my heart I will always be waiting for you, waiting for any slight chance that we may be reunited. Every day I remember what we had, and I hold on to it. I will do forever.

I'm going to figure out how we can make this work. I need to. What use am I to my daughter, broken as I am?

I'm coming back to you.

Connie

Dear Rita,

I don't know what is going through my head at the moment. Every day I seem to switch back and forth between my pining for you and my desire to be the best mother that I can. Which to choose? Is there a way out?

I fear not.

Connie

Dearest Rita,

The wedding is in three weeks. All Sam's friends and family are flying over. I can't back out now.

This is where it all ends.

Connie

Rita,

Who am I trying to kid?

My heart is breaking.

I take a deep breath, slowly closing shut the diary that has allowed me to stay sane for all these months. But now it isn't enough. I stare down blankly at the plane ticket in my hands. Tomorrow. 11:30pm. I know that it will never be used, that my seat will be vacant. I can't leave my daughter again.

Can I?

Please let me know what you think!x