After Knockdown chapter 5

Several hours later, Kate was still in shock. She had been standing on that bridge for almost 20 minutes before a police car pulled over and two concerned officers asked about her intentions. After showing the uniforms her badge, they left her alone, but demanded nevertheless that she should leave the bridge soon.

Now, after returning home, Kate was sitting on her couch and couldn't stop crying. Her phone had been ringing several times, but she didn't pay much attention to it. Meanwhile, it was late afternoon and Kate didn't know what to do… she just felt completely helpless and overwhelmed with emotions. Suddenly, her empty stomach grumbled and reminded her that she hadn't eaten anything since that morning…

Sighing loudly, she stood up and walked to her fridge. Taking a quick look inside, she realized that there was nothing edible at all. Of course, she thought bitterly, same sight as yesterday at this time…..

Kate decided to order some Chinese food from her favorite take-away place. She desperately needed some comfort food right now. Her thoughts needed to be sorted and her brain couldn't work properly without food, Kate had to admit that to herself eventually.

With trembling hands, she dialed the number of the restaurant and ordered her preferred dish.

Then, she turned to her kitchen radio and switched it on, hoping that some music would help her to lighten up her mood – she just wasn't ready to grieve, she didn't want to get lost in sadness….not now, though. There would be another time for grief, and sadness, Kate knew that well enough, but right now, she wanted to get lost in music and good memories….but the song that was playing didn't help her much with that task. It was a song of one of Kate's favorite performers, Eddie Vedder. Ever since her teenage days, Kate had always been a huge fan of Pearl Jam, and of course she loved the solo albums that the lead singer had published.

The lyrics were not new to Kate, but today, they had a totally different meaning… a guitar was playing and Kate listened cautiously to Eddie Vedder's remarkable voice:

Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off

Than I was before

I've got this light

I'll be around to grow

Who I was before

I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel I'm falling... I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel I'm falling, I am falling safely to the ground

Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now

Like a brand new friend

I'll forever know

I've got this light and the will to show

I will always be

Better than before

When the music stopped playing, Kate's face was covered with tears. She didn't even realize she started crying while listening to the song. There, standing in the middle of her kitchen, Kate suddenly faced the truth: her boyfriend was dead….dead…and he would never return…

Sobbing, she slowly sank down on the floor and tried to tame her chaotic thoughts. Of course, she was devastated by the loss of Josh, who had always been a great friend, and lover, but… deep down inside Kate had to admit that this cruel tragedy that had happened had involuntarily helped her making a decision with her mind that her heart had already done long before.

Her heart had already chosen Castle, there was no doubt about that, Kate had to admit that to herself.… and now, that her relationship with Josh had come to a sudden end in one of the most possible horrible ways, Kate felt strangely relieved. Relieved, because she didn't have to choose anymore. Kate hated herself for thinking that way, but she couldn't help it… her heart was dictating her mind what to think….

Fate had chosen for her – she did despise the way it happened and felt extremely guilty for knowing that Josh's last words to her were words of love – left on her mailbox just moments before she had cheated on him with Castle….that realization stung, it was a thought that Kate couldn't wipe away….

Tears kept falling down her beautiful face – Kate was obviously overwhelmed with the situation at hand. Between two bitter sobs, she heard a soft knock on her door. With wobbling legs, she stood up and walked to her door. Looking through the spyhole, she saw that it was Castle on the other side of the door, a very concerned look on his face.

Oh my god, I cannot talk to him right now, Kate thought desperately while she was turning away from the door. In a helpless gesture, she ran her fingers through her long brown locks, when she heard Castle's soft voice saying: " Kate? I know that you are at home…. Please, open up the door… I…, look, I know what has happened… saw it on the news… I'm so sorry… can you please let me in? I just want to make sure that you are ok, please?"

His voice sounded somehow helpless and caring, and Kate couldn't resist opening her door and facing him. She needed him now, after all. She needed her friend, she needed someone to give her a hug, someone who would tell her that everything was going to be alright… so she turned the doorknob.

His first initial thought was to take her into his arms, which he did. She looked so small, so desperate and sad, and Castle's heart was bleeding at her sight.

With two quick steps, he entered her apartment and hugged her tightly.

"Oh, Kate, I am so, so sorry… " he earnestly said. Kate didn't reply, she just kept sobbing. Her tears fell down like waterfalls and soaked his dress shirt, but Castle didn't care about that. All he could think about at that moment was to calm his best friend during this stressful time she was going through.

Eventually, the tears stopped and Kate lifted her head. With teary eyes, she searched for Castle's blue ones and gazed at him intensely.

"Let's just sit down for a moment, shall we, Rick?" she asked with a silent, hoarse voice.

"Of course, anything you want Kate", Castle replied understandingly, "I just want you to know that I am here for you – whatever it is you may need – a shoulder to cry on, someone to make you dinner, an advice-giver… anything, you just say it and it's done!" he told her with a sympathetic voice.

Oh, this man is so good to me, Kate thought. What have I done to deserve this wonderful human being in my life?

Silently, she nodded to him and they crossed the room to sit down on her couch. For a few minutes, no words were spoken, they just sat there next to each other – Castle had put his arm around Kate's shoulders and pressed her body tightly to his. Both secretly loved the feeling of being so close to one another, but neither of them admitted it aloud. After a short moment, Kate took a deep breath and turned her head to Castle.

"Rick, what I am going to tell you now must sound horrible somehow, but, I do not know a better way to describe my feelings…"she stuttered tentatively.

"Kate, whatever it is… I will understand", Castle replied with a slight smile on his face. Inside his mind, though, he was deeply afraid, because now, he feared that Kate would tell him that she did not want to give them a shot after the tragic events earlier….but that thought was quickly gone. He was determined to be there for her in these unnerving times, whether as a friend or a lover…of course he always preferred the latter, but now was by far not the right time to bring up that topic, Castle was well aware of that.

"What I am trying to say is, that… even before this tragedy had happened, I had made up my mind, or, shall I say, my heart had decided what to to…. I realized that earlier today, when I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying…" she continued telling him with a sad voice.

"Kate…. I am not sure I can follow you… what do you want to tell me?" Castle asked her , visibly confused.

With a deep sigh, Kate looked into his eyes and said: "Rick, my heart has chosen you. It has been you all along, even before I met Josh. I always loved you, not him…I just never wanted to admit that to myself. It's just so tragic that Josh had to die to make me realize that…." By saying these words, new, fresh tears started to build in her eyes. After all, she still felt horrible about Josh's unexpected death.

Castle couldn't believe what he had just heard. Did she really just choose him, despite all the horrible things that were happening in her life? In disbelief, he looked at her, but all he was met with was an open, sincere, but still shy smile. Her look was full of hope – and love. For a moment, Richard Castle, wordsmith and best-selling author, was lost for words. He just couldn't help but smile back at her.

Slowly, their heads approached and their lips met in a slow, innocent kiss. It was just a mere brush of lips, but for Kate and Rick, it was a promise for more – a promise of a future together…. Castle cautiously deepened the kiss by brushing his tongue across her lips, which she opened almost instantly for him. For a moment, all they could feel was joy and happiness.

After ending their passionate kiss several moments later, Kate stood up and reached for his hands. When he was standing next to her, she took a step closer and whispered into his ear: "Please make love to me tonight, Rick. I want to feel something positive – there have been enough negative feelings for today… just help me forget…."

Josh's death seemed to be suppressed; Kate desperately tried to focus on some positive emotions. Finally, she had committed to her true feelings, and those emotions of love she felt for Castle obviously outweighed the grief she felt for Josh's sudden passing.

Castle, who hesitated at first, couldn't fight his passionate feelings for Kate any longer. With a swift movement, he lifted her up in his arms and carried her to her bedroom to make love to her… again.

Meanwhile,in the kitchen, on the counter, Kate's cell phone was vibrating. Neither she nor Castle heard it, their minds and bodies clearly otherwise engaged. The international access code number that was shown on the display stated that it was a call from another continent - Africa. When no one picked up the call, the caller left a message on the mailbox…..

Song quoted in this chapter: Long nights – by Eddie Vedder