DISCLAIMER:
名探偵コナン/Detective Conan
Gosho Aoyama©1994

Five years after Kudo Shinichi was poisoned and forced to live as Edogawa Conan with Mouri Kogoro's family, the Black Organization was defeated and shut down. Finally being able to get her hands on the original data of the drug, Haibara Ai gave him the fully-developed antidote for APTX4869, allowing him to resume his previous life as Kudo Shinichi and revive his romantic relationship with his childhood sweetheart Mouri Ran. All was well. Or so he thought…

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A Night of Contemplations

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"YOU shouldn't be here." Haibara Ai stated coolly to the man sitting in her living room with his legs stretched out and his tie loosened. She said it in a matter-of-fact tone, as though she was reminding him about something. "And it may not be my business, but have you thought this through?"

"I know." He let out a heavy sigh. "And I have. We have. And it turns out that we can't do this anymore."

"Kudo." She whispered in disbelief, "You've been married five years to Mouri-san. I mean, Ran-san. You loved her for decades. Are you sure divorce is the only solution? What I want to say is— I just don't want you to make a rushed decision. Kudo. You're thirty-two, not a hot-headed teenager anymore. Go get back to her and make up or you're going to regret it later. You're not supposed to be here right now."

"Too late. We talked and talked and discussed things for hours, Haibara." Kudo Shinichi rubbed his tired eyes with the pad of his palms. "Days, even. Maybe weeks. It's beyond repair. Only God knows how long it's been since our relationship stopped working. This is happening. Ran had the divorce paper filled out and signed. She's going to submit the form first thing tomorrow. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm relieved Professor Agasa passed away two years ago. He would be very disappointed—even more so than my parents, Uncle Kogoro and Aunt Eri. I won't have the guts to look at his face."

Ai refilled his teacup with fresh, steaming tea from the teapot. Chamomile. She encouraged him to take another sip, hoping it could soothe him a little. The tea was a deliberate choice, right after she opened her door to his pale and sullen figure an hour ago. His eyes were red, looked a bit sunken, and had dark circles under them. God knows when the last time he had some sleep was. "You okay?"

It was a stupid question, she realized. But having been always a socially-awkward person, Ai simply didn't know how to react and what to say at times like this. Consoling somebody was never her expertise. The detective in front of her seemed to know it as well. With a grim smile plastered across his face, he looked straight into her turquoise eyes and spoke dejectedly, "No, Haibara. I'm crushed."

Haibara Ai chewed at her lower lip. She felt a peculiar feeling churn inside her stomach. She felt bad for him. Very, very bad. Kudo Shinichi was someone who meant a lot to her. He saved her life so many times. Even though he lashed out at her at first, he (or Edogawa Conan at that time) gradually warmed up to her, welcoming her, befriending her. Having been raised in a family controlled by the Black Organization, a 'friend' was something she couldn't normally get. But he made her feel accepted. He made her feel appreciated. He made her feel alive.

Not to mention he made her feel almost loved.

Almost.

"I'm so sorry." She said with utmost sincerity. "What can I do for you?"

Shinichi looked hesitant to tell her. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it shut, reopened it, only to close it again—as though he was struggling with words and failing miserably. A minute later, what blurted out of his lips was, "Would you please let me stay here tonight?"

Well, isn't that unexpected?

"Kudo, your house is only next door." Her reaction was one of bafflement. She couldn't see his reasoning. And wouldn't Shinichi not going back home simply worsen the situation, considering his poor status with Ran?

"Ran went back to Uncle's house this morning, if that's what you're worried about." Shinichi explained as if he could read her mind. And if he actually could, honestly, it wouldn't surprise Ai. He was a brilliant man and they spent enough time together for him to figure her out. "I just don't feel like… well, I don't want to come home to find the remnants of her scattered belongings or all those pictures of us hanging on the wall. Not right now."

Ai looked at him, her eyes searching. The man was a definite mess. His hair was more disheveled than ever, few buttons of his wrinkled, white shirt were undone, his tie loose around his neck, and his face was so raddled that he looked like shit. And smelled like it, too. She knew that as a special detective in the Metropolitan Police Department, Shinichi had recently been busy investigating a series of homicides happening around Shinjuku. He hardly had time to rest. Combined with the stress coming from his collapsing marriage, the man was seriously sleep-deprived. Ai's gaze softened. Poor, poor Kudo.

"I guess you can sleep in Professor's room." Ai sighed in defeat. "But first things first; you need to take a bath. I'll go heat up the water."

APPROXIMATELY an hour later, Ai was lying down on her bed as she snuggled comfortably under her comforter and stared blankly at her ceiling. The strawberry blonde-haired girl was so drowned in her thoughts that she couldn't sleep until past midnight. Thank God she didn't have classes in the morning. Being a law student demanded for her to stay focused during each class, and lack of quality sleep could ruin her concentration.

But now, on her bed, Ai let her mind wander. She recalled the moment she gave Conan the fully-developed antidote for APTX4869 and told that twelve year old boy she wasn't going to take it. Miyano Shiho wasn't going to return. God, his facial expression was priceless. What did he expect anyway? There was nothing left for Shiho in this world. Her only sibling was executed. Parents were murdered a long time ago. Relatives? Friends? None whatsoever. But for 'Haibara Ai', at least she had Professor Agasa. And she had some good friends. She also got a place she can earnestly call 'home'. Her choice was—

Knock! Knock!

Almost yelping in surprise, Ai immediately put one palm against her jumping heart. She turned her head towards the door in a swift motion, waiting, testing. In case she heard it wrong. But then, the knocking returned. This time it was followed by a low whisper. "Haibara? You awake?"

"Yeah." Ai responded, getting off of her bed and slipping on her warm, fuzzy slippers. Ignoring the fact that she was only wearing her silk nightie, the girl opened her door for him. "What's wrong, Kudo?"

"Did I wake you up?"

Ai shook her head. "No, I was just... thinking. About a lot of things." She studied him for awhile and took a deep breath when he didn't say anything back. "Kudo, would you like to talk for a couple more minutes?"

"Thanks, Haibara."

That meant yes. She instructed him to get some spare blankets and futons to spread on the balcony, so that they could have a chat while looking at the night like what they used to do with the rest of Detective Boys members years ago. Autumn had just begun and the temperature was just perfect. There were cool breezes but nothing too chilly yet. Lots of stars could be seen. As Shinichi put numerous pillows and some blankets on the futons, Ai came carrying two mugs of hot milk. She gave one to him. "This will help you sleep."

"With a dollop of honey?" He asked.

"Just the way you like it."

They sat on the futons side by side. Ai quickly slid her bare legs under the blankets to get some warmth. Both seemed to enjoy a comfortable silence while sipping at the warm, sweet liquid. In this familiar place, Shinichi started to feel as though he was a kid again with nothing to worry about.

"How's campus life?" He initiated the conversation, starting with a harmless, casual topic.

Ai chuckled. A genuine, amused laugh that brought a sense of familiarity into him and caused Shinichi to wonder when was the last time he heard her laugh. "Better than I imagined. I've never given much thought about it, but perhaps tough competition and library life really suits me."

"I'd never bet for you to apply into law school," he smirked. "Where did the scientist soul inside you go?"

"Nowhere. Just wanted to try new things in my life." She answered nonchalantly, turning her head to meet his stare. It was the moment when suddenly Shinichi came to realization that the girl before him had done so much in his life. She was always there. True, she also was the one who tore apart his peaceful youth with her infamous drug, but then she took the responsibility of returning order to it. And she spent most of her time supporting him as if she felt compelled to atone for her 'sins'. She provided him with anything he needed, gave him a hand when he was overwhelmed, warned him like a nagging mother if he challenged danger—or death. Even now, when he suddenly showed up at her door after years of barely-speaking terms, Haibara Ai still welcomed him without hesitation.

Wait. Years of barely-speaking terms? How did it turn out like that?

Oh yeah.

Shinichi remembered. The antidote for APTX4869 succeeded in return his grown-up form to the age of early twenties, just like Ai's explanation about how the drug works: accelerating the growth of cells, bones, and hormones in a certain speed until it reaches a certain maturity. Result might vary depending on the drug taker's initial age. Edogawa Conan was twelve when he swallowed that pill, and its effect added around ten years' worth of body growth to him. He lost his boyish looks completely. His facial features became more prominent. But becoming an adult was only the beginning. Being reported as 'missing' for five years and three months, it was impossible for Kudo Shinichi to resume his education in Teitan High. He started trying to catch up by taking GED tests to get his Certificate of High School Equivalency, which later allowed him to pursue higher education at Ritsumeikan University, majoring in Criminology.

It was between that period of time he gradually stopped keeping in-touch with Haibara Ai and the rests of Detective Boys. By the time he got a job at the MPD, the communication ended almost completely. Last time he actually met them in person was his own wedding ceremony five years ago. Did he shrug them off? Because, let's be honest, from his windows Shinichi often spotted Genta and Mitsuhiko walking Ai home every day after school. He could always have said hi. He also could have dropped by Professor Agasa's house and even have a talk with Ai and the old man.

But he never did.

Why was that?

Was it because he was too busy with his own ambitions and goals? Or too excited wooing Ran? Or was he simply a big, ungrateful jerk?

"Kudo? Are you okay? Your face looks… pained." The calm, serene voice of Haibara Ai echoed through Shinichi's ears, sending him back to reality. He blinked once, twice, before realizing that he had leaned forward several inches more than necessary and nearly fell atop her body. Quickly, he straightened his posture, putting back a good space between them.

"Yeah, I'm good," he mumbled. "Definitely."

"Well… if you say so." Ai narrowed her eyes—a gesture she always did, whether consciously or not, every time she doubted something—but she stopped asking nonetheless. Instead, she began arranging some pillows to her liking, lied down, and pulled a blanket past her shoulders. Shinichi copied her actions.

"Haibara," he spoke again. "Do you have something in life you're always regretting?"

She let out a short chuckle for the second time tonight. "Oh my god. Hold on for a second. Are you seriously asking me that?"

"Just answer the damn question."

Ai turned her body so she now was lying on her side facing him. "I live in regrets, Kudo. At least, I used to. I regret everything that happened in my previous life. In Miyano Shiho's life. I regret being born to such a family that was completely and thoroughly controlled by the Organization. I regret creating numerous evil drugs—and believe me, APTX4869 is only one of them. I regret being so cowardly, making my only sister feel obligated to protect me with all her might. It only ended up killing her in the end. I regret it all to this day."

Shinichi swallowed. He could feel a lump in his throat.

"But then," Ai continued. "If those unfortunate events didn't happen, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to meet you. I wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to know that pure kindness like Professor Agasa's does exist. I would never have any good friends. And I'm afraid all my life I would never feel so…human."

She was smiling now. The balcony was dim, but to Shinichi, her face looked lit up. It was the first time he ever saw a smile so bright coming from that girl.

"So to speak," she said in a concluding tone, "I have lots of regret. But I don't regret having it."

Shinichi fell silent. He wasn't the type of a person who contemplated much about regrets. Not before he realized that his marriage—which had always been an ideal one, or so he believed—was going to fall into shambles. Now he began questioning himself. When did it go wrong? Was it a mistake from the beginning? Did he and Ran decide to marry because they were truly deeply in love, or they just felt sorry for their younger selves? Did he feel responsible for making her wait and suffer, so he thought they had to end up together eventually? And since when did his relationship with Ran turn ice-cold? Heck, they even slept in different bedrooms for the last two years before he knew it. He didn't even remember the last time they had sex. God, how did they get here? He failed to understand. He didn't know right from wrong anymore.

And tonight, as he lied gazing at the autumnal starry sky side by side with Haibara Ai whose back was now facing his direction, Shinichi wondered if he did overlook important things he once had.

"Sleep, Kudo. You'll need your strength for tomorrow."

His eyes widened. How on earth did she know he was still awake? The girl wasn't even looking at him!

That reminded him.

She was always capable of reading him like an open book. And to be honest, he was not an easy person to deal with. He had his ego, pride, cockiness, and stubbornness. Those traits, oftentimes, drove people away because they thought of him as a smartass. He was a perfectionist, hating things that didn't go as he planned them. And yet so far, Ai never failed to have him figured out. Back then in the day, she always helped carry out his plan. She coordinated perfectly with him and provided excellent backup despite getting very little command from him—sometimes none at all.

How did Haibara Ai actually see Kudo Shinichi? Did she see him the same way as seeing a chemical formula? How could she understand him effortlessly, and how long did it take her to be able to do so?

"Ai," Shinichi called in a mere whisper. A sound of blanket ruffling signaled him that she wasn't asleep yet. He carried on. "Why are you letting me stay tonight? Why did you open the door?"

"Would you have preferred otherwise?" Ai asked him back, now turning her body around so she could face him. One eyebrow raised in curiosity and confusion.

"No," he replied honestly. "But it would be understandable. It's supposed to be like that. I didn't even talk to you for months, maybe years, even though my place is only next door. I don't deserve your kindness even when I need it."

"You know, Kudo." There was a hint of smile in her voice and Shinichi could sense it without turning his head. "I know a good guy who once told me that we don't need any reason to be kind to others. Besides, you're a friend."

"I'm your friend?"

Ai shrugged. "Well, aren't I yours?"

Shinichi fell silent. Contemplating his answer. His chest felt heavy and his throat hurt, as though there was a burn in his esophagus. He wanted a second chance with her. He hoped for it, since he truly overlooked an important thing he once had. Or in this case, an important person.

It took him a whole minute before he could find his voice again. "Perhaps not," he spoke in a grim tone. "You aren't just a mere friend. I don't know why I treated you like that, running away and shutting you out, taking you for granted when actually, you were always—"

"Kudo," Ai interjected, now sitting upright and looking into his eyes. She had this particular pained expression, the same one that involuntarily appeared across her pretty face whenever she remembered her sister, Miyano Akemi. "Don't. Please."

That single comment made him curious. "What?"

Don't finish that, her eyes pleaded. "My boyfriend proposed to me yesterday." Ai said meekly, lowering her gaze as though the blankets suddenly became interesting. "And tomorrow—I mean, today—I'm going to say yes. I-it's only an engagement proposal… but I think we can make it through."

His heart felt as if it stopped beating.

"It's too late, Kudo."

It's too late.

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skybluescramble's note:

It's been a long time since I uploaded something for FFn. Hope you like it. Please kindly leave a review or two so I know what you think, I'll be glad to read your feedback because it will help me improve my writing skill.

And thank you, Randombore, for helping me proofread the draft of this story. You're my angel :)

See you again. Soon, hopefully!