So I saw The Force Awakens (which is awesome by the way) and decided to write about Kylo, since he's writable about. This does contain some minor spoilers so be warned if you haven't seen Episode 7.

"Where is the map?" Kylo Ren snarled at Poe Dameron, lightsaber at his throat. However, the Resistance pilot was more focused on the ship belonging to his captor.

"What is that, a V-Wing?"

Kylo was taken aback.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, "I do have a very dangerous weapon two millimeters from your perfectly groomed face, so no funny business."

Poe sighed.

"I meant your ship, genius."

"Oh!" said Kylo, "Yeah, it's not exactly a V-Wing, but more of a U-Wing or a half W-Wing. On second thought, it's really a-"

"Surprise mother trucker!", yelled Poe, punching him in the helmet, taking advantage of the nerd talking, causing him to fall into the sand. The pilot ran away as the stormtroopers fired at him, but since they were stormtroopers, they missed.

Kylo stood up indignantly, a proceed to have a temper tantrum like a little child.

"Mommy!" he cried, smashing the sand with his saber, "Your pilots don't play nice!"

()()()()()

"Show me the power of the Dark Side, grandfather," Kylo said kneeling in front of Vader's helmet, "And I will finish what you started."

"That's not your grandpa, kid," said a voice from behind him.

Kylo screamed and started swinging around his lightsaber wildly, yelling "Die, die, die!"

"The thing is, I can't die another time. You done, kid?"

Kylo stopped swinging and opened his eyes slowly. The voice belonged to a young man in Jedi robes with long hair and a scar on his right eye. For some reason, he was glowing blue.

"Who the kriff are you?" he asked instantly.

"First of all, language," said the apparition, "Second of all, I'm a Force ghost and the most awesome person to ever live."

"Okayyyyyyy…" replied Kylo, "So are you gonna haunt me or something?"

"Actually, I have a message," the ghost said, clearing his throat, " Your parents never told you the truth about your grandfather!"

Kylo became angry.

"They told me enough! They told me he was Darth Vader, the most epic villain ever! You're nothing close to his epicness!"

"No, I am your grandfather!" the ghost boomed.

Kylo looked at him in shock.

"Anakin, Anakin Skywalker," the ghost added cheerfully. He held out his hand for his grandson to shake.

Kylo lifted a finger, then fainted at the sight of his hero.

Anakin took a look at his burned helmet.

"Good thing I insured that," he said to himself.

Later, in the vast expanse of le Force...

"You just couldn't resist, could you, Anakin?" said Obi-Wan.

Anakin smirked.

"You're just mad you don't have a line like that," he shot back.

()()()()()

"Are you Gollum?" asked Kylo suddenly.

Supreme Leader Snoke choked in surprise.

"Oh my god, Kylo, you can't just ask people if they're Gollum," Snoke said with disdain.

"But are you?"

"No way!"

"Yeah, but your face's bone structure is really similar."

Kylo pulled out his iPad.

"See," he said, opening a face recognition app, "I took a photo of Gollom and tried accessing your bank account using it."

"You WHAT?!"

Kylo snorted.

"It's not like anything valuable's in it. Just your first edition Darth Vader action figure which I totally stole. Don't worry, I left your Palpatine cereal box. Anyway, the photo worked and there are too many similarities between you and Gollum to completely throw away a theory of you two being the same."

Snoke sighed.

"Gollum's my mentally disabled cousin. Don't tell anyone, or I'll do terrible things to you. Like really terrible. Justin Bieber terrible."

"Yeah, thanks for clearing that up. Were you saying something about my dad?"

"Oh yeah, you have to kill him to go to the Dark Side, blah, blah, blah."

"Did Vader kill his dad?"

Snoke paused.

"I'm not sure he had a dad."

"But that's impossible. You just want me to kill my dad cause he's Han Solo and you're not."

"I deny that last part. Mostly. If you kill you father, you'll be just as fatherless as Vader."

"I'm sold." Kylo said instantly.

()()()()()

Kylo slammed his helmet down and moved towards Rey to finish the interrogation, but was stopped by a familiar voice.

"Did you think you could fool me?" asked Anakin.

Kylo turned and saw the annoyed expression of his grandfather.

"What now?"

"Your helmet. Your voice. YOUR FREAKING VADER MUSEUM!"

"How did you see my Vader mus- wait, this is why you interrupted me? I'm trying to get information, man. Come back another time."

Anakin glared at him, and Kylo wished he was wearing a diaper.

"Do not call me MAN! I'm not one of your British homies, sonny. I AM ANAKIN FREAKING SKYWALKER, LORD OF ALL THINGS- yes Master Yoda, I'll try not to wake you from your power nap."

Anakin seemed to calm down a bit and them continued as if nothing happened.

"Anyway, I was thinking about what you were saying yo the charred remains of my head, you know, 'I will finish what you started, blah, blah, blah', and I was wondering, what exactly did I start, other than than bring your droid to Death Star Day?"

Kylo gulped.

"Um, you know, taking over the Galaxy, killing all the Jedi sort of stuff."

Anakin groaned.

"You make a few dozen mistakes and somehow turn your grandson into a fanboy."

The ghost turned to his descendant.

"Look kid, you try to do that, you're gonna end up dead and have your burned helmet worshipped by your useless grandson."

"HEY!"

"Look, what I'm trying to say is that- OH MY GOD, DID YOU JUST DUMP YOUR HELMET ON MY ASHES? YOU CREEP ME OUT! YOU SICKEN ME! AND TO THINK, YOU WERE NAMED AFTER OBI-WAN! NAME YOUR KID AFTER OBI-WAN, YODA SAID. THERE'S NO WAY HE'LL BE MESSED UP, HE SAID. UGHHHH, I'M OUT OF HERE."

Anakin disappeared and Kylo just stared at the empty space for a few seconds.

"Hey, earth to fanboy!" Rey called, "You were going to torture me?"

Kylo blinked.

"Actually, I'm going to go jump in a hole," he said slowly.

He left the room, and Rey could've sworn she heard a lightsaber igniting and the words 'No one understands me!' as Darth Wannabe stormed off in the distance.

()()()()()

"Anything," Han Solo said as he approached his son. Kylo took the lightsaber and handed it to him, but the young man's fingers didn't leave it. Making up his mind, Kylo was about to flip to switch when-

He felt the burn of a blaster bolt on his shoulder and fell on the metal. As can be expected, the younger Solo started crying like a baby.

"Dad!" he whined, "What was that for?"

Han allowed himself to grin.

"What can I say, son? I always shoot first."

Thanks for reading, as always. I've been busy as of late, but I'll try to update this more frequently. All feedback is appreciated.