"Bruce, I have kinda a bad feeling about this," said Dick Grayson, as they approached the looming gates of Arkham Asylum. "Maybe Harley was right about calling this whole thing off…"

"She's not right – she's temporarily insane," retorted Bruce. "And a hero doesn't call things off, Dick. He doesn't back down because it's the easier thing to do. He fights, whatever the odds, and whatever the cost."

"Yeah, I know, but…are you sure you're a hero, Bruce?" asked Dick.

"Of course I'm sure," retorted Bruce. "I'm the good guy, and they're the bad guys. It's very simple."

"But if you're the hero…why is Harley in love with the clown?" asked Dick.

"She's not in love with him," said Bruce. "He's got her under some sorta mind-control, like bad guys do. She only thinks she has feelings for him, but that'll all be over with after we kill them. That'll cure her."

"Do good guys kill people?" asked Dick.

"Some of them do," said Bruce. "When the cause is just. And what more just cause could there be than rescuing a damsel in distress from a fate worse than death?"

"So…we're gonna win, right?" asked Dick, looking up at the iron door of the asylum.

"We're the good guys, Dick," retorted Bruce, confidently. "Of course we're gonna win."

He sprayed explosive gel in the shape of a bat on the iron door of the asylum. "Just follow my lead," he said, stepping back and pressing the detonator.

The door exploded off its hinges, and Bruce, Dick, and the mob of Gotham citizens made their way into the darkness of Arkham Asylum.

"Everyone look around and be careful!" called Bruce, as the mob shone their flashlights around the shadows. "The monsters could be hiding anywhere!"

"Actually, we're not hiding," said a voice. All the flashlights instantly focused on the Joker, standing in the entrance hall with a beaming smile on his face. "Don't much care for hide and seek!" he chuckled. "How about another game? Tag, you're it!" he shouted, tossing a set of chattering teeth into the crowd. It exploded, and chaos instantly descended as everybody started panicking.

The panicking grew worse as vines suddenly slithered down the wall, reaching out to grab unsuspecting citizens and dragging them back into the maw of the man-eating venus flytrap controlled by Poison Ivy. "My baby's getting a feast tonight," she cooed, petting it lovingly.

The mob began running around like a headless chicken, and the screaming grew louder as occasional gunshots rang out, as Two-Face flipped his coin, waited for it to land bad side up, and then shot a randomer. "At least this way it's all fair and balanced," he said.

The remains of the mob tried to get out of the asylum, but a wave of scalding tea suddenly poured down from the ceiling, burning the people below with a sickening hiss. "It's actually a shame to waste all that tea on such undeserving savages," sighed Tetch, sipping his own cup of tea next to the tripwire that had activated the trap.

At last, the few surviving stragglers crawled out the door with bullet wounds and third-degree burns…and looked up into the face of a scarecrow. "Ladies and gentlemen, I understand that we're in a lot of pain right now, but I'd be grateful of your help in a science experiment," he announced. "This is for posterity and scientific advancement, so if you could all be completely honest as to how the following toxin makes you feel, I'd be ever so grateful," he said, releasing a yellowish gas into their faces.

"Hmm…yes…lots of screaming and shouting – could anybody provide a coherent summation of their experience?" called Crane over the panic. "Apparently not."

"A resounding success, everyone," said Crane at last, striding back into the asylum with the screams of the survivors ringing in his ears. "A most gratifying experiment on the effects of mass terror on mob mentality. The realization of many years of painstaking research for me, so I thank you all."

"Don't thank us," retorted Ivy, petting her plant which looked very well-fed. "Thank whoever was stupid enough to incite a mob to come here in the first place. They must have known they'd be horribly massacred."

"Maybe they were self-righteous enough to think that because we're the monsters, we were bound to lose," muttered Two-Face, sheathing his gun. "Because villains always lose in stories."

"This ain't a story," retorted Joker. "And it ain't got a happy ending for anyone."

"J!" shouted a voice in the doorway. Everyone turned to see Harley standing there, beaming.

"Harley?" gasped Joker in disbelief. They raced toward each other, meeting halfway and hugging tightly. "You…came back," he whispered, stroking her hair.

"I promised I would," she said. "Although too late to save everyone, I see."

"No loss," said Joker, shrugging. "The world won't miss one less mob – it's a good lesson for 'em not to try that kinda behavior again. If individual people wanna be treated with respect, they gotta not do that lemming thing where they unthinkingly follow some random nutjob, or else they'll be slaughtered like the animals they are. And they deserve it too, for not using their brains and just giving into base fear."

"I'm just so glad you're safe," whispered Harley. "I dunno what I would have done if I had lost you."

"Hey, they didn't even come close to hurting me," said Joker. "Not a scratch…"

He choked suddenly as a knife blade burst through his chest. "J!" screamed Harley, as he sank slowly to the ground.

"Told you, Dick," said Bruce, straightening up from behind Joker and pulling out the knife. "The black batsuit was a great idea. For camouflage purposes, anyway. They never see you coming in the shadows."

"You goddamn coward!" roared Two-Face, ripping out his gun.

"No, no, no, none of that," said Bruce, grabbing Harley and holding her in front of him like a shield while holding the bloody knife to her throat. "Now my ward and I are getting outta here, and we're taking Harley with us. Now that the monster's dead, she'll be back to normal."

Joker lay gasping on the ground as the blood poured out of him, staring after Harley as she was dragged toward the door. Then there were two bangs, and Bruce and Dick both suddenly fell to the ground, unconscious.

"That's for harassing my daughter," muttered George Quinzel in the doorway, dropping the crowbar he had used to hit them both.

"J!" gasped Harley, racing back over to Joker. She kneeled down next to him, praying that the wound wasn't as bad as it looked. But it was.

"No!" she whispered, tears in her eyes. "No, no, no, you can't leave me, puddin'!"

"Maybe it's…better this way," he gasped, looking up at her and forcing a smile. "Gal like you…deserves better than a guy like me anyway. Some monster…"

"Don't talk like that," interrupted Harley. "You're not a monster – none of you are! And you'll be all right. We're together now – everything's gonna be fine, you'll see."

He smiled again, reaching out a hand to touch her cheek. "At least…I got to see you…one last time," he murmured.

And then his hand dropped and his eyes shut. "No!" gasped Harley, tears running down her cheeks. "No, puddin', please! Please don't leave me!" she cried, shaking him to try to wake him up. She sobbed, cradling his body gently against hers. "I love you," she whispered.

And suddenly a very strange thing happened. The whole asylum filled with a blinding light that made the others fall back. Harley shielded her eyes with her hand, and suddenly felt the Joker's body lifted off her, and up to levitate in the air.

"Are…your plants doing that, Pamela?" asked Crane, slowly.

"No," replied Ivy, staring at the sight in awe, as the same light began to shoot in beams from the Joker's body. Then he was placed gently on the ground and lay still.

Harley reached out a hand to touch him, when Joker stirred, and opened his eyes. "Puddin'!" gasped Harley. "Oh, puddin', you're alive!" she cried, leaping into his arms.

"Yeah, but…I don't get it," he said, looking at his hands which were still bleached white. "I'm still a clown."

Harley beamed at him. "Oh, puddin', don't you see?" she whispered. "It is you."

He looked at the adoration in her eyes and smiled. "Yep, that's me," he murmured. "I'm a psychopathic clown, and I'm all yours, baby."

Harley grinned, and then felt her heart beating faster as he touched her cheek. He tentatively brought his lips down to hers, and Harley couldn't wait any longer. She threw her arms around his neck, shoving her mouth onto his and kissing him.

"Well, it's all very well for them," muttered Crane. "Joker's stuck looking like that, but he's found love so it doesn't matter. What about the rest of us?"

"We'll find it," said Ivy, confidently. "By being exactly who we are."

Two-Face looked at her and then growled, "Aw, the hell with it!" He seized her around the waist, kissing her passionately, a kiss which Ivy eagerly returned.

Crane and Tetch looked at each other. "Don't even think about kissing me!" snapped Crane.

"I wasn't!" retorted Tetch. "The world is bigger than this asylum, you know! I'm sure we'll both find love out there if we try."

"And did they?" asked Arleen, hopefully, breaking in on the story. "Did they both find love?"

"Yes, they did, princess," said Joker. "It took them a little while, and maybe it wasn't quite what they expected, but they both found people who loved them for who they were. They just had to be patient."

"And Joker and Harley, they lived happily ever after, right?" asked Arleen.

"Of course they did, sweetness," agreed Joker. "They shared true love's kiss, and they lived happily ever after. That's the way these stories always work."

"For a moment there, Daddy, I was afraid you were really gonna kill your protagonist," said J.J. "Y'know, go the whole Game of Thrones route."

"…you're too young to know what that is," said Joker, slowly.

"That's it – I'm resetting the parental controls on the TV!" snapped Harley.

"I can get around those, no problem, Mommy," said J.J., shrugging. "Anyway, I watch it for the political intrigue, not the pornography."

"Yeah, just like people used to read Playboy for the articles and not for the nude models," agreed Joker. "Nobody bought that lie either."

"So what happened to Bruce and Dick?" asked J.J., changing the subject. "Did they go to jail, or did the Arkham inmates just kill 'em?"

"They went to jail," said Joker. "But Bruce was rich enough to buy them both a way out, so they didn't stay there long. Instead Bruce spent the rest of his life dressing up in a bat costume and fighting crime, and dragging Dick along with him. So they both ended unhappily."

"I still don't see Bruce Wayne as Bats, puddin'," said Harley. "That didn't work for me. But the rest of the story was great."

"What about Harley's Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Did he get to live happily ever after too?"

"Yes, he did, princess," said Joker. "He came to stay with the inmates in Arkham, leaving his cramped apartment and his terrible job forever. And Harley even got to go to college and earn her degree to be a doctor. So everything worked out for the best for them, as it always does for the good guys."

"Yep, and Harley even got the family she always wanted with her Clown Prince," said Harley, smiling. "They had two beautiful children called Arleen and J.J."

"So that's really how you and Mommy got together, huh?" asked J.J.

"More or less," said Joker, shrugging.

Arleen giggled. "I think it's really romantic and sweet, Daddy," she said. "You wrestled a crocodile for Mommy!"

"He's always doing things like that for me," said Harley, grinning at Joker. "Wrestling crocodiles, beating up Batman, cleaning out the garage…"

"God, you are such a nag!" snapped Joker. "Ain't it enough that I shield you from explosions?!"

"That you caused," retorted Harley. "And I'm allowed to nag you – I saved you with true love. You owe me, pal."

"It was a mutual thing, as I tried to illustrate, if you had even listened to me, Harley!" retorted Joker. "We saved each other!"

"We sure did, puddin'," murmured Harley, leaning forward to kiss him tenderly. "But that garage ain't gonna clean itself," she added, drawing away at last and smiling.

Joker growled, standing up. "Looks like storytime's over. Sorry, princess."

"It's ok, Daddy," said Arleen, turning back to the TV and cuddling her doll. "I'll just watch my movie again, and pretend it's you and Mommy."

"Yeah, some people get off easy," muttered Joker, heading out of the pillow fort. "Some of 'em just get cursed to be a beast for all time. Me, I got cursed with an annoying little brat who don't ever stop nagging."

"Yeah, and I got cursed with a clown-faced freak who prefers spending the day telling stories to his kiddies than doing any actual work," retorted Harley, following him out. "When I coulda married a billionaire!"

"Bruce Wayne would never put up with a little brat like you long term," retorted Joker. "Anyway, he's too busy being Batman."

Harley giggled. "Nice gag, puddin'. And nice story," she purred, kissing him. "The kiddies are the luckiest people in the world to have you as a Daddy. And so am I."

"And don't you forget it!" he snapped, storming off. "And all I ever get is crap, as if I ain't been through enough being cursed by an enchantress and stabbed by Bruce Wayne and brought back from the dead!"

Harley shook her head as Joker continued to rant to himself as he headed for the garage. "Of the two of us, he's definitely the beast," she said.

The End