Beauty and the Joker

The Joker entered the life size pillow fort he had built for his twin children to see his son, J.J., building something with construction toys and his daughter, Arleen, dressed in a princess costume and staring enraptured at the TV, which was playing a very familiar cartoon.

"This movie again, princess?" asked Joker, coming over to her. "You must have watched it a thousand times."

"It's my favorite," replied Arleen, not taking her eyes off the screen. "Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise…I love everything about it. Except for the ending."

"Why? What's wrong with the ending?" he asked, sitting down next to her. "As I recall, girl gets boy, and it's all happily ever after."

"Oh, that part's ok," said Arleen, shrugging. "It's just the part where the Beast changes into the Prince. I don't like that."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because Beauty didn't fall in love with the Prince – she fell in love with the Beast," retorted Arleen. "If I fell in love with a guy, and then he changed into a completely different-looking guy, I wouldn't like that at all. It's a mean trick to play on Belle."

"But the other guy's a handsome prince, sweetness," said Joker. "A lot better match for a beautiful princess than an ugly beast."

"But she doesn't love a handsome prince," replied Arleen. "She doesn't want that. She wants her Beast. Doesn't matter if it matches or not. She loves who she loves."

Joker smiled, ruffling her hair fondly. "You're your mother's daughter, Leenie," he chuckled.

"Why do you say that, Daddy?" she asked. "Of course I am."

"It's just an expression, kiddo – it means you're a lot like her," he said. "She loves a guy who…ain't your typical handsome prince."

"You're really handsome, Daddy," said Arleen.

"C'mon, Leenie, you gotta admit, I don't look like the other kids' dads," he said.

"I wouldn't want you to," she replied. "I love you, Daddy. I wouldn't love you if you were like the other kids' dads. You wouldn't be you then."

Joker shrugged. "There's people out there who'd think of me more as a beast than a prince, trust me, sweetheart."

"Well, if that's true, Beauty loved the Beast, and so does Mommy, and so do I," she retorted, hugging him.

Joker kissed the top of her head, and they watched the movie together. "Did it happen like that with you and Mommy?" asked Arleen at last, nodding at the screen.

"Not quite," said Joker. "There was an asylum and some lunatics and…it's kinda a long story."

"Tell me," said Arleen, gazing up at him with her mother's pleading, big, blue eyes.

Joker sighed heavily. How could he translate the story of his and Harley's courtship into a kid-friendly medium? And then he looked at the TV, and a slow smile formed on his face.

"Well, once upon a time…ain't that how these stories usually start?"

"Uh huh," said Arleen, settling into his lap and cuddling her princess doll. "You're doing great, Daddy."

"Once upon a time, there was a guy named…Jack."

"Is this the Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk, who killed the giant?" asked Arleen. "Or the Jack from Jack and Jill? Or Little Jack Horner? Or Jack Sprat? Or…"

"None of those, sweetness," he interrupted. "Though you gotta wonder why there were so many Jacks in nursery rhymes - kinda a common name, actually, and this guy was anything but common. So we'll call him J instead, and he lived in Gotham City with his friends. One friend was a woman called Pamela, very pretty with red hair, who loved gardening. Another was a friend called Harvey, who was a handsome man on the outside, but who had an ugly personality on the inside. He had a friend called Jonathan, who liked to scare people, and a friend called Jervis, who loved the book Alice in Wonderland. And they all lived in this big building just outside of Gotham called Arkham Asylum. It looked just like a castle, all turrets and steeples and high walls to keep people out, and to keep them all safe and protected inside.

And they all went about their lives quite happily until one rainy, cold, miserable night, when a woman came to the asylum.

"J, get the door!" shouted Pamela, not looking up from her gardening, as a loud knocking from the iron front doors echoed through the dark corridors of the asylum.

"What do I look like – room service?" demanded J. "I'm busy here!"

"Doing what?" she asked.

"Working," replied J, tinkering with his gag items and getting a pair of chattering teeth to explode suddenly. You see, this J liked to play pranks on people, like a clown. He really liked clowns – had them painted all over his room in the asylum, and because of this, he was nicknamed the Joker. "Get one of the nerds to do it!" he shouted.

"Jonathan, Jervis, the door!" shouted Pamela.

"My latest fear toxin is at a very delicate stage, Pamela!" snapped Jonathan. "I'm just testing its hallucinatory effect on animals, and I'm at a tipping point with the crows! I simply can't leave it for anything!"

"And I'm in the middle of my tea party!" retorted Jervis. "Where is Harvey? Can't he get it?"

"Screw all of you!" roared Harvey. "I'm above answering doors like a goddamn servant!"

The knocking was repeated. "Well, somebody had better get it!" snapped Pamela. "The knocking's annoying my plants!"

"Don't pretend like you can feel what they feel!" growled Harvey.

"I can!" snapped Pamela. "Unlike you, Harvey, I have feelings! Real, true feelings for all living things! Now if one of you doesn't answer the door, I'm gonna strangle you all with a noose of thorns!"

"Yes, somebody go – the knocking is interfering with my experiment!" snapped Jonathan.

"And it's a very loud distraction when one is trying to have a tea party," agreed Jervis.

Since Joker had finished the task at hand, and since the knocking came again, loud and annoying, he sighed, standing up and heading down the corridor. He pulled open the heavy iron front door to reveal a woman standing in the rain, her face hidden in a cloak and soaked to the skin.

"Whaddya want, lady?" demanded Joker.

"Just to come in out of the rain," replied the woman. "A little shelter is all I ask. In return for your kindness, I offer you this rose," she said, withdrawing a red rose bud from her robe.

"Do I look like the Plant Lady?" demanded Joker. "Why would I want a piece of crap like that? Flowers are sissy, girly stuff, and I'm kinda insulted you'd think I'd want one. And I don't help people who insult me. So beat it, toots."

"Please, sir – I beg you not to be deceived by appearances," she murmured. "Although I may look like a poor beggar woman with nothing to offer, true beauty is found within…"

"Yeah, yeah, spare me the lecture," retorted Joker. "I'm sure you got a great personality and all, but the answer's still no, toots."

"Sir…"

"You deaf, lady?!" roared Joker. "I said get lost! So do that before I test out my new exploding chattering teeth on you!"

He made to slam the door when the woman sighed heavily. "So be it, Joker."

"Wait, how do you know my name?" he demanded, but was suddenly blinded as the woman threw off her cloak to reveal the form of a beautiful woman, surrounded by glowing gold light, like a halo. She held a wand in one hand, and the rose in the other.

"I am the Enchantress Leland," she murmured. "And I have seen that there is no love in your heart. As punishment for this, you and all your friends will be transformed into the hideous, dark things that lurk in all your souls until such time as you, Joker, can learn to love another, and earn her love in return. This must be done before the last petal falls from this rose. Only then will the spell be broken. If it is not, you will be doomed to remain monsters for all time."

There was a blinding flash of light, and suddenly the Enchantress Leland was gone, leaving Joker alone.

A shriek suddenly came from Pamela's room. "Oh my God – what's happened?! My skin, it's gone green!"

"What did you do, J?!" roared Harvey, appearing suddenly with his hand over one half of his face. "My face! My beautiful face!"

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked Jervis, appearing slowly dressed in Victorian clothing, and an oversized top hat.

Another cry of alarm came from Jonathan's room. "What's happened to me?!" he cried. "I'm a…I'm a…scarecrow!"

"What did you do, J?!" screamed Pamela, storming out of her cell. She froze suddenly, staring at him in shock. "Oh my God…you're a clown!"

"What?" demanded Joker, racing to the mirror in his cell. A clown face stared back at him, bone white with grinning red lips and green hair. "No, no, no!" he shouted. "I used to be so gorgeous, and now I'm…I'm hideous!"

"Join the club!" shouted Jonathan, storming from his room with rags and straw clinging to him, and the face of a scarecrow.

"J, what happened?!" growled Harvey. "Explain this!" he shouted, removing his hand to reveal that one half of his face had been horribly burnt and scarred.

"Well…there was this…beggar woman who wanted to come in, and she offered me a rose, and I told her to get lost, and then she…she turned out to be an enchantress," said Joker, slowly. "But how was I supposed to know that? How was I supposed to know there are magical, morality police patrolling around randomly making sure people know how to love, and punishing them horribly if they don't? Honest mistake – could have happened to anyone."

"But it did happen to us!" snapped Jervis.

"How long do we have to stay like this?" demanded Jonathan.

Joker shuffled his feet. "She said…uh…something about…being stuck like this forever if…uh…the last petal falls from the rose, and…uh…I ain't found true love."

"True love?" repeated Harvey, growing furious. "You think a hideous freak like you can ever find true love?!"

"Pot to the kettle, Harv!" snapped Joker.

"Breaking the spell don't depend on my true love!" retorted Harvey. "We'll definitely be stuck like this forever - you'll never be able to make anyone love you!"

"Hey, I ain't such a bad guy!" snapped Joker. "I mean, sure, I've committed multiple homicides, treated death and pain and the suffering of others like jokes time and again, but there's gotta be a gal out there crazy enough to love all that, right? Pammie, how about you?" he asked, beaming at her. "You wanna be my true love?"

"Oh yeah, J," growled Pamela. "I'll be your true love. I got your true love right here!" she shouted, socking him in the jaw.

"Get him!" shouted Jonathan, as everyone began punching, hitting, kicking, and generally beating Joker.

"Woah, hey, guys, calm down! Let's not play the blame game, huh?" shouted Joker, trying to fend off the blows. "Making me uglier by bruising me up isn't helping me find my true love! You're only ruining your own chances, y'know!"

"Was Joker ok?" asked Arleen, concerned.

"Sure, he recovered from the beating eventually," said Joker, nodding. "But as the years passed, everyone at Arkham Asylum began to fall into despair, and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a clown?"