Cargument One: Toilet Humor

Danny's black Camero cruised down the H201 at speeds that were probably not legal. But hey, they were on the job, headed toward a murder site in Moanalua where the body of a guy with suspected terrorist ties had been found. The Governor had put Five-0 on the case immediately.

Steve was, of course, at the wheel, his partner sitting in the passenger's seat with his normal sour expression, every once in a while looking over at the steering wheel longingly. They had just passed the interchange from the H1 to the H201 when Danny spoke up out of the blue.

"We need to have a conversation about the bathroom," he said.

"What?" Steve asked, completely blindsided by the comment and genuinely confused. "What brought that on?"

"Oh I dunno," Danny carped back, his voice dripping in sarcasm, "maybe because I had to take a dump and found my butt splashing into disgusting toilet water because someone can't be bothered to put the toilet seat down."

"Wait, this is about the toilet seat?" Steve asked, utterly confounded. "Are we... are we really having this conversation? 'Cause I don't recall marrying you."

"Marrying... what the hell does that have to do with anything?" Danny asked, incredulously, waving his hands around in a whirlwind of activity. "I'm just talking about basic human decency here. Personally, I don't like getting ass-banged by the bacteria in the bowl, but maybe that's just me!"

"Yeah thanks for that image," Steve said, "but other than the fact that you're a germaphobe, I'm still not sure why I'm having this conversation with you and not Kono. I mean, last I checked she was the woman."

"Well, I dunno how you take a dump, Super Seal," Danny replied, "but I need to sit down for that. And splashing down into cold water is not an experience I relish!"

"Danny, you ever heard the phrase 'look before you leap?'" Steve asked. "Because it seems to me that the same thing applies, here."

"I shouldn't have to!" Danny said, his volume rising a little and his hands shooting out in front of him, palms up. "I mean, it's just rude and you my friend, are the number one culprit in the office. I mean, I really feel for Kono after my experience this morning."

"She's never said anything," Steve returned.

"No, because she's a woman and she expects that kind of behavior from us men," Danny replied, "you are reinforcing the stereotype and making us all look bad."

"So, what, you're her champion and defender now?" Steve asked, sarcasm creeping into his voice. "'Cause I'm pretty sure she would just love that."

"No, this conversation is purely for self-defense." Danny replied, "I'm just telling you why Kono hasn't said anything even though she is most assuredly annoyed every time."

"Annoyed, huh?" Steve said, switching gears. "Then can we talk about the annoyance of you putting the toilet paper on backwards?"

Danny waved a finger at him. "No, no, you are the one who puts it on backwards, my friend, not me."

"Oh please, everyone knows it's supposed to hang down the back," Steve replied.

"What kind of heretic are you?" Danny asked him. "Everyone does not know that because it's supposed to hang down the front."

Steve chuffed a laugh. "Not if you have a dog or a cat, it's not."

"Five-0 doesn't have a dog or a... what does that even have to do with anything?" Danny waved a hand at Steve, holding it out as if offering an apple.

"When it hangs down the front, a dog or a cat can get a hold of it and unroll the whole roll," said Steve, "you hang it down the back, it's harder for them to do that. It's that simple."

"We don't have a dog or a cat at Five-0!" Danny said again. "And you don't even have a dog or a cat at home!"

"I had a dog for a while growing up," Steve said defensively.

"But you don't have one now," Danny replied, "so you don't need to put it on backwards."

"It's not backwards," Steve said firmly.

"It is too!"

"What are you, five?"

"Don't start in on that!"

The Camero continued down the highway as the debate raged on. In the end, it was still happening when they reached their destination with neither one yielding on the topic. So when they emerged from the car, still arguing on a school-yard level, Chin Ho Kelly was there to roll his eyes with a knowing smile.

Thanks for reading the first Cargument, everyone. It was short and sweet, as I intend others to be as I write them. Just little snippets of every day life at Five-0.

I will take prompts, since this one was only my first one that gave me the idea for the overall fic. I'm sure all of you have had ideas for some great Steve and Danny carguments that you just couldn't fit in anywhere, so bring 'em on! Couple guidelines, though, I am a canon junkie and don't like situations that don't fit with the actual show. So, slash prompts need not apply, not because I have a problem with slash, but because it isn't canonical and that drives me nuts. Also, I want to keep this relatively PG-13, so no prompts any dirtier than this one, please.

Thanks for reading and please leave a review!