Author's Note:

A group of us recently challenged ourselves to write a one-shot based on the prompt "passing notes". Here is my creation. This exercise was fun and helped combat the writer's block I've been plagued with these past months. Looking forward to doing more!

Granger,

As you are well aware, I'm sitting directly behind you. I know you know this because we made eye contact and politely nodded to each other as you took your seat. I couldn't help noticing how curve-hugging your green satin dress robes are, and watching you sit down might have been a somewhat pleasurable experience if it hadn't been for the accompanying headgear.

I don't know where you bought that hat, but it's gigantic and hideous. Its bilious colour doesn't suit you at all; it's decidedly unflattering and ages you tremendously. Return it to the shop for a refund immediately if not sooner. It's making me ill. More to the point, it is blocking my view of the stage. Kindly remove it before the show starts.

DM

P.S. I would have asked you directly, but the Silencing Charms that have been cast over the auditorium are annoyingly strong. I had to make due with pencil and parchment.

Malfoy,

Oh, I do beg your pardon. I certainly wouldn't want to block your view, nor cause your delicate self any physical distress. I will doff my new chapeau forthwith.

You seem to share my former beau Ronald's habit of staring at a young woman's assets. I suppose I should be glad my new robes are not displeasing to you, though even if they turned your stomach I would not be removing them in such a public place. Since I'm bracketed by two rather large and boorish wizards, that might prove to be problematic. (That's what I get for attending an event solo.)

Thanks for your rude but honest input on my hat. As it happens, I bought it from Millicent's Millinery at the express suggestion of your girlfriend, Pansy. I didn't particularly fancy it, but she insisted this hat is the epitome of fashion. She also made quite a show of purchasing one for herself, in the same warm, "bilious" green as you called it, gushing the entire time that she thought you'd love it. It is now obvious that she was mistaken.

Where is Pansy, anyway? I noticed that the seat beside you is empty. I'm surprised she's not here with you, nauseating you with her own headpiece.

HG

P.S. The super-strength Silencing Charms do seem a bit silly. Do you know the need for such absolute quiet before the show begins? Most vexingly, I couldn't find out on my own. I'm glad my handbag contains a nigh-inexhaustible supply of paper.

Granger,

First of all, thank you for removing that ten-gallon travesty. I don't believe in mincing words. If you'll Vanish it right now, I'll personally take you shopping to buy one that will be quite fetching, I promise you.

Secondly, tonight's musical performance involves many creatures and plants, including mandrakes. Because of that, the entire Magickell Theatre has been Silenced pre-show as a precaution.

As for Pansy, she and I are no longer an item. We broke up two months ago after I caught her snogging your Creatures Department officemate Barnabas Bonobo. What she sees in that great hairy ape, I do not know. I don't really care. Our parents had arranged the match between us when we were kids. Her infidelity broke the engagement, thank Merlin. Her clinginess and insecurities were becoming intolerable. I'm glad to be shut of her.

You should never have been saddled with that ginger git. While Weaselbee and I may both appreciate an attractive female's more visible... accoutrements, he lacks my great appreciation for intelligence and wit, both of which you have in spades. I'd make a much better match for you.

DM

P.S. You listened to Pansy's advice on a hat? That explains it, then. She was purposely sabotaging your appearance for tonight. You do realize that she's had an incredible streak of jealousy when it comes to you, don't you? She has since the Yule Ball, fourth year.

Malfoy,

Sold! I'm holding you to that promise of a shopping trip. The nausea-inducing hat is gone.

I had no idea that you and Pansy had split up. It sounds like it is for the best, if that's the way she was behaving. But, jealous? Of me? Don't be ridiculous. The Yule Ball was ages ago.

Although... that certainly sheds new light on some of her recent actions. I could never understand why she always seemed so put out whenever I'd come by your place to check on your house-elves and your father's peacocks.

HG

P.S. If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect you of flirting with me. You think you'd be a better match for me, eh?

Granger,

I beg your pardon for startling you. I'd momentarily forgotten the Silencing Charms. I didn't mean to grasp your bare arm quite so firmly, nor brush against your cheek with mine as I looked over your shoulder, but I did want to be certain your hat was truly gone.

May I take this time to say that you have lovely skin? Your neck and shoulders are quite alluring. I've noticed the two wizards on either side of you have been giving you appraising glances. I may need to hex the old rakes.

The Yule Ball may have been ages ago, but we Slytherins have excellent memories. You were unforgettably beautiful that night.

DM

P.S. By the way, now your giant nest of hair is obscuring my view. Please subdue it. I will hold you personally responsible if my enjoyment of the evening suffers due to my having to stare at your unruly, bushy head.

Malfoy,

My, you do know how to flatter a girl! Still, you're lucky your hands are pleasantly warm. If they'd been cold, you'd be missing several fingers right now.

Mind you, I'd much rather it be your hands touching me than those of either of my neighbors. They've become rather handsy as I've been scribbling away to you. They wrongfully assume they can take advantage of my being otherwise distracted. I shall tap my wand meaningfully against my palm.

I must say, for someone so talented with compliments you are also terribly good at ruining the moment. My hair is not a giant, unruly nest. I worked hard on this updo and I think it looks smashing. If it bothers you so much, change your seat.

HG

P.S. Oh, look at that. Your ex-girlfriend's place is conveniently empty beside you.

HaG,

I happen to like the exact seat I'm sitting in, and I was here first. Take your soft skin and sweet-smelling hair and move, or I'll do it for you. With my delightfully warm, strong hands.

DM

DuM,

I did notice you have a nice, firm grip, and quite long fingers. I've always liked long fingers on a man. But just where do you suggest I move, pray? The performance is sold out.

HG

P.S. How do you know my hair smells sweet?

P.P.S. You don't smell so bad yourself. Your cologne is...mouth-watering. You haven't dabbed Amortentia behind your ears, have you?

Hermione,

When I leaned forward to check on your hat's disappearance, some loose tendrils of your hair tickled my nose. I wanted to take a bite out of your lovely neck. You smell positively delicious.

Draco

P.S. No Amortentia. No cologne, either. That scent you find so enticing is pure Draco Malfoy.

P.P.S. There's a seat free beside me.

TO THE PROPRIETORS OF THE MAGICKELL THEATRE:

I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT. LAST NIGHT'S MUSICAL CONCERT WAS EXCELLENT, BUT IT WAS NEARLY RUINED FOR ME BEFORE THE PERFORMANCE EVEN BEGAN.

I FOUND MYSELF SEATED NEXT TO WAR HEROINE MISS HERMIONE GRANGER. MERE MOMENTS BEFORE THE LIGHTS DIMMED, MISS GRANGER SUDDENLY LEAPT UP FROM HER SEAT AND AWKWARDLY CLIMBED OVER IT INTO THE ROW BEHIND, STEPPING SQUARELY ON MY HAND IN THE PROCESS. IN FACT, HER STILETTO HEEL NEARLY WENT UP MY NOSE AS SHE FELL QUITE GRACELESSLY INTO THE LAP OF MR. DRACO MALFOY, WHO, SURPRISINGLY, BEGAN TO LAUGH. SOUNDLESSLY, OF COURSE.

I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP THE PATRONS OF YOUR THEATRE IN CHECK. PROPER DECORUM IS A MUST. THERE IS NO CALL FOR THOSE SORTS OF SHENANIGANS IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT, WAR HEROES OR NOT.

SIGNED,

HIRAM P. PECKSNIFF