Authors note: I don't own any JTHM or NNY. All hail Jhonen Vasquez!

NNY had just finished cleaning his torture devices, when he noticed a little black jumping spider making its web in the corner of his torture room. Afterall, there was ALOT of flies in

that section of the room. "That was one nasty fucker," muttered NNY as he thought about the fat, smelly sonofabitch that he used to barbecue another victim. But as he observed the little spider waiting patiently for its victim to land in the web, NNY decided to help it out. He swatted a couple of flies, only stunning them. Then he placed them in the web of the fly spider. At first the little spider didn't notice the flies NNY had put there. But one started to wiggle a little bit and the spider quickly went to work eating the fly offerings NNY had given it.

Then NNY had an idea, he would write a short guide on how to raise a little black jumping spider. "Brilliant!" exclaimed NNY as he began to write things down.

NNY'S Guide to Raising A Jumping Spider. By NNY

Part 1. Feeding your spider.

When looking after your jumping spider, be sure it is in an area where food is plentiful.

Flies, roaches, and crickets are especially good for your spiders' diet.

Oftentimes it is good to feed your spider a big, fat wood cockroach. It will love you.

Part 2. Playing with your spider.

You physically CANNOT play with your spider. It will bite you, or you'll end up killing it.

Be kind to your little eight legged friend. It eats the pests in your house. And that's a good thing.

Part 3. Cleaning up after your spider.

All you gotta do is clean up the dead insect carcasses from around its area. Your spider will appreciate it.

Part 4. Watching your spider grow up.

Sometimes nature is fascinating. Spiders do us a favor by killing and eating pesky insects.

We in turn can do the spider a favor- let it do what nature had intended for it to do, which is let it be.

We can watch it, oftentimes help it to a better location where it'll do the most good. It will eat, molt, and get big and beautiful.

Hope you enjoyed my little guide. NNY.

NNY looked it over, and over again. He was satisfied with the guide and sent it off for publication. He took a picture of his little jumping spider, he had named it beauty.

NNY didn't know why he had named his little spider beauty. But he had this feeling the spider was telling him its name. NNY suddenly became aware that the spider was communicating with him by telepathy! "Holy Shit!" cried NNY as he grabbed his head and turned to face the spider web, NNY squeaked at the spider "what did you do to me?!"

The spider emerged slowly from its cocoon, and looked at NNY. Then NNY heard the spider in his head. "you let me live in your house, you fed me. You watched me grow. Now I can communicate with you. The big, juicy wood cockroach you fed me yesterday was very delicious..I'm about to molt again. And as long as you let me live, and stay here, I will not harm you. I will help protect you. "

NNY looked puzzled for a moment. He stared absently at the dangling spider, and thought "okay, you got a deal." The spider went back up and went back into its cocoon. NNY went to the living room and fell asleep in his chair, until it was time for Happy Noodle Boy's Misadventures show.

At exactly 4p.m NNY turned on the T.V and Happy Noodle Boy's Misadventures show was getting ready to come on. "popcorn, and some wild cherry water, caramel crunch and munch, cherry chip ice cream," all NNY had to do now was get to the living room and get in his chair. He was part of the way through the cherry ice cream, when he saw the spider dangling down and trying some of the ice cream on the lid. "Gotta sample what you're eating. Its pretty good, in fact its quite addictive. What is it?" asked the spider quizzically.

NNY replied " its cherry flavored ice cream. one of my very favorite flavors. Try some cherry water too. " As NNY put some water in a flat dish for the spider to try, the commercial was over and the movie was back on. Then NNY heard this in his head " Oh wow! This stuff is great too! Now im addicted too!"

"Great!" thought NNY "Watch the show. "

So, Beauty the spider, and NNY watched the movie "Happy Noodle Boy's Misadventures". NNY thought to himself "so this is what raising a fly spider is like."

Beauty heard him and remarked " Im a fly spider, yes. But I was the subject of a lab experiment to give spiders the ability to communicate with humans by telepathy. And I was one of the successful experiments. Your last victim was my transporter. But since you killed him, the most I can say is thank you for accepting me. I will never hurt you, and I hope we can be friends. "

NNY didn't know what to say. The only thing that came to his mind was " best friends like the killers we are." Beauty was shocked to hear that from NNY. "Why do you say 'killers'?"

"Its because you are a spider. you kill your prey and eat them. I kill, because there are stupid people out there, and i'm a population control specialist. " Beauty closed her eyes, and cooed. She was content. NNY sighed, "living with a spider is going to be an adventure.