Not beta'd. Just looked it over a few times before posting.
I'm getting my Deadpool 'voice' from memory, his video game (I need to go finish that), and fanfic. Spiderman is based off of memory and fanfic. This just wouldn't let me go.
oOo
"And, then, your obviously unnatural waffle topping turns you into Radioactive Loganberry Man from Calliope Six!"
The giggles from the table where suddenly stopped by the shadow of a man in a dark suit standing over the booth.
"Wilson," the newcomer stated, no inflection in his voice, as he stared at Deadpool.
The 'Merc with a Mouth', his mask rolled up to the middle of his nose, quirked a grin, "Coulson, my man! Pull up a chair! Have some pancakes! Ignore the unnaturalness that is baby boy's plate. Blargh."
Staring at Deadpool's companion, Coulson ignored Wade's attempt to be sociable. "I'm here to ascertain that your companion is here of his own free will."
"Me?" The brunette asked, his brown eyes wide.
"Yes. Please come with me so we can talk in private."
The young man got up. "Umm... Okay."
Leaving a pouting Deadpool at the table with his arms crossed, the two retreated a few tables away, where other men in suits were standing and staring, some with their hands not to subtly resting on the guns at their waists.
Coulson stared at the young man. "You are here of your own free will, correct? No coercion or blackmail?"
Sputtering, the guy nodded. "Yeah. Dude, we're on a date!"
"You're dating him!" One of the suits exclaimed.
"Your name?" Coulson asked, giving his subordinate a glare out of the side of his eye.
"I don't think I'll give it. I have no idea who you are."
"We're SHIELD kid," one of the agents said.
"I'm an adult," the guy replied with a glare. "Which means I can make my own decisions. We're doing nothing illegal."
"He's bad news," Coulson said, staring at the man.
The guy nodded. "Uh huh."
"Dangerous," Coulson continued.
"I could be dangerous too, you know," the guy stated.
Coulson gave the young man a look up and down, his eyebrows raised.
Huffing, the guy crossed his arms and looked away. "Consider me warned. Now, if you'll excuse me, my waffles are getting cold."
Watching the man stomp away, Coulson turned to his subordinates. "Do a face recognition match. I want to know everything about him."
Leaving the now sober couple, the SHIELD team returned to their office.
Three hours later, a thin folder labeled 'Peter Parker' was handed to Coulson. "Summarize it for me," Coulson ordered the agent that handed him the folder.
The woman nodded. "Peter Parker. Mid-twenties male, no criminal record, currently going for a bio-chemistry degree on a full scholarship. Former employment at the Daily Bugle, left because hours were interfering with his school work. A small trust fund set up for him from his uncle, deceased, pays for his studio apartment. A squeaky clean kid."
"Who's dating a homicidal maniac," Coulson muttered.
"He has improved in recent years."
"That we can prove," grumbled Coulson. "That will be all."
"Sir."
After the agent had left, Coulson mentally steeled himself and reached for his phone. "Stark. I need you to hire someone so we can subtly keep an eye on him."
oOo
Time passes, as it usually did. Peter was ecstatic to be 'chosen' as that year's internship, based on the recommendation of one of his teachers, a former Stark employee. He spent most of his time in Doctor Banner's lab once he proved he knew what he was talking about, science wise.
Wade was delighted. Others were starting to see how smart his boy was, and it wasn't taking too much time away from cuddles.
oOo
"Welcome to the assistants club," a voice stated behind Peter, who was busy tabulating results from that week's experiments.
"Umm... huh?" he eloquently replied as he turned around.
The young brunette woman adjusted her glasses and grinned wider. "I'm Darcy Lewis, and you're the newest assistant, so I welcome you to the assistant's club."
"I'm an intern."
"Who's doing assistant work. Therefore, assistant. And, I need someone here to talk to that isn't all 'Science? Science. Science? Science!'," Darcy said, waving her hands around.
Looking confused, Peter replied, "But, I'm a bio-chem major."
"Horrors!" Darcy gasped, staggering back in shock. Then, recovering, she pointed to his tshirt. "However, the shirt at least says you have good taste in music."
"It is my favorite punk band," Peter replied with a grin. "My boyfriend can't stand them."
"Like I said, there's hope for you. Don't worry, I'll save you from the science!" Darcy stated, linking her arm with Peter's before dragging him off.
"Umm... my work?" Peter pointed out.
"JARVIS, if anyone asks, we're going out for coffee!" Darcy yelled at the ceiling.
"Noted, Ms. Lewis. And, as no breaks have been made yet, and it's almost lunch time, may I suggest you combine them and take a long lunch?" the AI replied from a nearby speaker.
"You're the best, J!" Darcy grinned as the elevator doors closed.
oOo
A week later, yet another super-villian was trying to take over the world, starting with New York City, using his army of robots.
"If you're happy and you know it! Cut some robots up!" Deadpool yelled/sang as he destroyed robots left and right.
"Do you ever shut up!?" Iron Man growled over his external speaker as he blasted a group of robots.
"How many robots are you at Spidey?" Deadpool cooed, ignoring Iron Man.
"Fourty-two!" Spiderman replied as he flung a robot into a brick wall, using his webbing as a sling.
Both Spiderman and Deadpool yelled out at the same time, "Meaning of life!" before giggling.
"And, hah! I'm at fifty-three, snookums!" Deadpool added.
"I'll just have to catch up then." Spiderman replied as he crawled up a wall. "And, snookums? No."
Deadpool stopped attacking robots and put his hands, still holding his katanas, on his hips. "Come on! Honey bear?"
"Keep trying!" Spiderman said in a singsong voice as he disappeared over the roof of a nearby building.
Deadpool sighed. "Damn, that ass." Giving himself a shake, he went back to destroying robots.
Soon, there was nothing but scrap metal littering the ground, and the captured bad guy was driven away to a SHIELD prison facility.
Deadpool and Spiderman were leaning against each other. "A good reason to work with SHIELD..." Spiderman stated.
Deadpool cocked his head like a puppy. "Yeah?"
"They clean up the mess."
"I could kiss you! I will kiss you! Just not here," Deadpool replied.
"Wade, I thought you were dating Mister Parker," Captain America stated as he came near.
"I am." Deadpool said with an empathic nod.
"Then, what is this?"
Spiderman gave himself a little shake. "I know about Peter, Peter knows about me. We know what we're doing. Leave it."
Captain America frowned. "I don't think I can."
"Mmmmm... Threesome," Deadpool growled.
Spiderman snorted and smacked his boyfriend's shoulder as he stood under his own power. "Mind to at least the upper reaches of the gutter. I'll catch you later."
"See ya, love bug!" Deadpool said, waving to his boyfriend as he swung away.
"Keep trying!" was Spiderman's parting comment as he disappeared into New York's skyline.
oOo
I was so glad to get Coulson and Peter's convo at the beginning over... If I had to write 'the guy' one more time...
'Radioactive Loganberry Man from Calliope Six!' is from an actual conversation between myself and my best friend at IHOP.
And, yet again, Darcy wormed her way into my story... Damn it, girl!