Chapter 1: Hospital Conversation.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.

AN: I don't know whether to call this a rewrite or a revised edition of this story, but I have added a lot of stuff to the chapters. This chapter is almost two thousand words longer than it was in the original. I will be focusing on this for a while, and am gonna take a break from posting for War Paint. I've decided to outline the rest of the story before I write the chapters and post them. It will take a while, but the story will be better and less focused on the bands.

Anyway, please leave lots of reviews.

Connor's POV:

One more day.

That's all the doctors said they are keeping me. I don't know whether to be excited or terrified. Personally, I think I'm feeling a large quantity of both emotions. Things are finally starting to look up for me though. It took long enough, that's for sure.

It all started when I got shot. Laying in the hospital bed being badgered by my over controlling father about the reasons for sneaking out. In a moment of irritation induced courage, I screamed at him that I had snuck out solely to see Jude instead of my girlfriend Daria. I had finally came out to dad, something I should have done months ago after a certain tent incident. Then I came out to Daria. Then I broke up with Daria, who proceeded to stomp from the room after a shouting match that involved her calling me a litany of slurs, and me screaming back at her with all my pent up rage and frustration. The I borrowed Taylor's phone during her visit and I came out to Jude via a text message conversation. Then I started dating Jude after he stood up to my father and demanded entrance to see me. All of this occurred in the space of about thirty hours.

I'm surprised I don't have whiplash, to be perfectly honest. But then again, I have a bullet hole in my foot, so adding whiplash to the list would probably drive me crazy. Being in a cast on crutches for the next few weeks is already gonna drive me up the wall, a neck brace would probably make me wanna jump out of my bedroom window.

Currently, I lay in the stupid hospital bed, staring dazedly off into space lost in my various thoughts. Jude's face flashes through my mind, bringing a smile to my face. I had known for a while that I had feelings for my best friend that were not platonic bro-feelings. I mean, I could barely look at Jude while he smiles, the wide smile where the his eyes scrunch up without wanting to kiss him or hug him. Being around him, just hearing his laugh, his voice and the occasional bout of sass that he sometimes lets slip makes me happy. Makes me feel safe to be myself, and to be who I was born to be. I knew when we were playing with the Ouija board in Mariana's room that day that I thought of Jude as more than just my best friend.

Yesterday was probably the most important day of my life so far, because it was the day that I finally asked him to be my boyfriend.

Flashback:

I can't believe this shit.

How dare he? How dare my father treat me this way? How dare he keep Jude away from me, like the swine of an old man has any right to control my life. I have been seething for the past two days. I had screamed it at him. I had finally done it. Finally told my dad exactly what he dreaded to hear. Finally told him that his son was gay. Finally told him exactly what I thought of him, although I might regret that later.

I can't help but feel sad and depressed about his attitude at the same time. I mean, he's my father. He's the only parent I have left that is any count, if you don't count my batshit crazy shrew of a mother. He's supposed to love and support me no matter what, but instead he's threatening to pull me from Anchor Beach just to tear apart my budding potential relationship with Jude. It's completely illogical as well. There's only like, four weeks left in the school year? Pulling me out now would mean that I wouldn't pass to the eighth grade, and I would be held back. Just the thought of all the trouble he's going to put me through just to try and force me not to be gay makes me want to push him down a flight of stairs.

The door to the hospital room opened, and I looked away from the television towards the door, where my dad stood looking at me. I gave him a small frown, letting him know that I still was supremely unhappy with him...

But then he stood aside, and there was Jude.

My breath caught in my throat.

No. Freaking. Way.

'Is this really happening right now?' I thought to myself as Jude entered the room, glancing at my dad as he did so.

A smile flickered across my face as my best friend crossed the threshold of the room and walked toward me. Behind him my dad exited the room, sparing the both of us a glance as he exited the room. I pushed myself up in the bed and kept smiling at him as he approached the side of the bed. He smiled back at me as he stood there. He glanced to my foot, and then back to my face. I reached out and took his hand into mine. After a second I noticed that his nails were painted blue, just like they were the day that our friendship truly started.

"What's this?" I asked.

"War paint." Jude said with a nod and a small smirk.

I nodded back as a large grin split my face which he returned with a smile of his own. He looked up at the television with a questioning look, nonverbally asking what I was watching. With a smile, I scooted over and allowed Jude to slide in next to me. Once he was semi comfortable, he leaned his head on my shoulder, and I shivered slightly at the contact.

"I can't believe my dad actually let you in." I said to Jude, whose head rested happily against my shoulder, "He told me that I was never allowed to speak to you again. I screamed at him, and haven't said a word to him since. He's tried talking to me, but every time he does I just put my headphones in and glare at him."

Jude chuckled, but it wasn't his normal laugh that I was used to. It was a dry, humorless laugh that I had rarely heard him use before, on maybe one or two occasions. It almost didn't sound like a laugh that should ever come out of his mouth, and it took me by surprise.

"Don't thank me. Thank Lena. She's the one who talked him into it." Jude said, sitting up. An undertone of scathing dislike painted his features as he glared at the door to the room, beyond which stood my dad.

"What did she say?" I asked curiously.

"She said something about how he could keep me away as long as he could, but then she asked how he was gonna keep all the other boys away as well." Jude said, a note of satisfaction lacing his tone.

"Haha. I bet he just loved that bit." I said, only slightly sarcastic, "Because obviously there will be a line at the front door."

Jude snorted, which was followed by a mischievous giggle.

"Are you kidding? He looked like he was about to cry." He said, laughter in his voice.

I laughed at the thought of my macho homophobic ass of a father at the brink of tears.

"What are you watching?" He asked.

"I have no idea. Some stupid sci-fi movie with terrible special effects." I answered as onscreen, a man was being lowered from an overpass by a harness onto a bus, that was semi submerged in water surrounded by sharks .

"I know what movie this is. It's Sharknado." He said, amusement clear in his voice..

I cringed, and recoiled overdramatically and hurried to change the channel while making as much of a spectacle as I possibly could, causing Jude to snicker.

"I'm guessing you don't like movies like that?" He teased.

"Funnily enough, no I don't like terrible low budget movies with terrible acting, and stupid unrealistic plots that could be improved by a three year old doodling on the script with a purple crayon." I ranted.

He laughed, and I started laughing with him.

"What else is on?" He asked as I started flipping through the limited amount of channels.

"Law and Order SVU?" I asked him.

He flinched and shook his head.

"Yeah, uh, no." He said seriously, "I can't bear to watch that show remember?"

"Oh. Yeah sorry. Forgot about that." I said sheepishly.

Jude couldn't stand watching that show because it reminded him of some of the traumatic experiences he went through as a child.

"S'okay. Glee is on." Jude pointed out.

"I may be gay, but I'm not THAT gay to be honest." I joked to him with a teasing smile, before settling on watching Mythbusters.

He poked me in the shoulder in jest, and sighed.

"I still can hardly believe you did it." He said, "When that text came through, I couldn't even think coherently. I'm proud of you, you know that right? That took a lot of courage."

I turned to him, staring into his eyes. I smiled softly, allowing myself to get lost in the chocolate orbs. How had I resisted this for so long? Being this close to Jude seemed so natural, so right. I raised a hand a stroked his cheek, and I shivered as our skin made contact.

Courage he had said. How was anything I have been doing lately been courageous?

"I'm so sorry, Jude." I said to him. He looked at me funny, as if I'd professed an eternal desire to run away and become a rodeo clown.

"Why are you sorry? You've got nothing to be sorry for…" He says.

"But I do!" I speak up, cutting him off, "I should have done this sooner. It shouldn't have taken a bullet for me to admit it."

"Connor..." He tried to interject, but I kept ranting.

"Ever since I kissed you in the tent I've treated you like shit!" I ranted, "With all my mixed signals, I've been playing with your emotions like a kitten with a ball of yarn! I kissed Daria in front of you, when I knew it was hurting both of us!"

"You handled things the best you could with the situation you were put in." He said.

"I tried to keep our friendship a secret from my dad, when I should've stood up to him!" I ranted, "I've been a shitty friend! I was so confused about these feelings I have. Feelings I've been raised to believe were wrong or unnatural. When I started having them for my best friend, I freaked! Then Daria came in and everything just got so out of hand!"

"CONNOR." Jude said, raising his voice for the first time. "It's okay. I get the confusion. I get the trying to force the feelings away! I get you being afraid of your dad. I get how you were afraid to tell him the truth! I get how you were scared of being different. I used to be too!"

"Are you kidding me? You're never scared of anything! You're the strongest person I know!" I shot back, "I'm the coward. Not you."

"Don't you dare call yourself that!" He scolded, "A coward wouldn't have admitted his mistakes and worked to fix them regardless of the consequences to himself, like you are. And you think I wasn't scared? I was terrified! I woke up this morning, and made the decision to come up here. I was terrified! I put on my nail polish, and walked here. But on the way here I stopped being scared and started getting angry. And I walked up to your father, and I told him I wanted to see you and I wasn't leaving until I did. He said no, so I sat down next to the door and told him I could wait all day. That's when he called Lena, and he made his last mistake. Momma never loses."

I stared into his eyes as he spoke, realizing in the back of my mind that we had both started crying.

"I'm sick of having no control over anything, and I wasn't going to give up my best friend without a fight!" Jude growled, his voice breaking as he finished the sentence.

I grabbed him by the front of the shirt and yanked him into a kiss. He returned it. Hard.

Twenty seconds later we pulled apart, panting from loss of breath.

"Ummm. Uh. That, that was…" Jude cut me off with a kiss of his own. I stared at him in awe. All the times we had kissed before, I had initiated it. This was the first time he had started it. He pulled away. We stared into each other's eyes again.

"Yeah. That definitely was." He agreed, "What does this make us? And what about Daria?"

"Oh. I broke up with her. Wasn't pretty." I told him, leaving out the detail about the slurs she had thrown at me, "Anyway, as for us? I mean... we'll always be best friends. But... I want you to be more than that. I want... I want you to be my boyfriend."

"I'd like that." He said with a small smile before wrapping me in a hug. I lay there, with Jude snuggled into my side and our attention returned to the television.

"So, what are we going to tell people?" Jude asked.

"Well, that's up to you isn't it?" I asked, "How open are you comfortable being?"

"Well, I don't want either of us to be picked on, so maybe we should be careful?" He said, "I'm not saying we should hide it at school. We can still hold hands and stuff, but we shouldn't go making out in the halls or anything like that."

"Then that's what we'll do." I told him. He looked up at me, "We'll save the kissing for when we're alone."

I raised my eyebrows suggestively, causing Jude to start laughing again.

We sat in silence until he had to leave an hour later, just enjoying each other's presence. Before we parted, I planted a kiss right on his lips. I took a large amount of spiteful pleasure in knowing my dad saw it happen.

After the door shut behind Jude, I noticed that my dad was looking at me weirdly.

"What?" I asked snappishly, "Got some more slurs to throw at me?"

Dad sighed.

"I never should have said those things."

"NO. You shouldn't have, but you still did." I said testily, "You didn't tell mom about this, did you?"

"I tried to call her, but she didn't pick up." Dad said, "I left her a message telling her you got shot, but I didn't tell her about your little confession if that's what you're worried about."

"Thanks." I said grudgingly.

Dad sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Look." He started, "This is gonna take me a lot of getting used to. It won't happen overnight, but I'm gonna try. I'm not gonna try to separate you and your little boyfriend again. Just give me time. Okay?"

I nodded.

"That's all I'm asking for, dad." I said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For all those things I said to you right after I dropped the bombshell on you." I said, "I don't really hate you. I just said that, because I thought you would hate me for being gay."

"I said things I shouldn't have said either." Dad said, "I could never hate you Connor. You're my only child. I love you more than anything in the world. Your sexuality isn't something I'm entirely comfortable with, but I still love you. That'll never change."

I reached out to my dad, and I gave him a hug.

"Thanks dad."

End Flashback:

I was snapped out of my memories by loud noises coming from the hallway. I could hear two voices, and I immediately recognized one of them as Jude. The door flew open and Jude ran into the room.

It only took me a fraction of a second to notice he was sobbing. He launched himself into the bed and clung to me like a fly stuck in flypaper. His whole body shook as he sobbed loudly. My eyes rose up to meet my dad, who was standing at the door, looking confused. I felt a spike of fury, and leveled a glare at my old man the likes of which would make most of my classmates defecate in their shorts.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM NOW!?" I roared.

My dad shook his head vigorously, slightly taken aback at my anger.

"I didn't say anything!" He rushed to assure me, "He showed up like this!"

"Jude what's wrong? What happened?" I begged him to answer me, "Jude, tell me. You're scaring me!"

"T-there w-w-was an accident." He sobbed and hiccoughed, "J-jesus is d-d-DEAD!"

He broke down completely as he clung to me. My jaw dropped.

Jesus?

Dead?

Those two words just didn't make sense spoken aloud together. It couldn't be possible.

I wrapped my arms around him, as his sobs racked his body violently. I could feel my heart breaking, and I started crying with him.

"What happened?" I asked him.

"T-they were on the way h-h-home from Mari's dance thing." He rushed out hysterically, "They went through an intersection. They got broadsided. MY BROTHER IS DEAD!"

Jude's sobs increased in intensity, and I hugged him tighter

If Jude had to feel this pain, then I would feel it too. If he had to feel this grief, I would share it.

Our pain is shared. It always will be.

Always.