I swear I've never done this before, and while I am apprehensive about doing it now, I just needed to do it. I have never attempted to write more than one story at a time, but as much as I love Conceivable, with all of my personal issues regarding fertility it is just getting too emotional for me to focus all my writing time on. So, this story came to me...and it is something different that I think will take my mind off my own life and let me just be expressive instead. I have not stopped writing Conceivable...I promise. I will update it soon. I just needed to shift my focus to a different type of story for a bit.

So, that brings us to this story. I outlined the entire thing complete with a synopsis for each chapter (which I never do) so I know exactly how it will play out and how long it will be (20ish chapters, which is short for me.) It may have a different feel than my other stories, but that is intentional. I'll warn you now that it has character death, lots of drama, pain and suffering...but some joy as well. Bensidy fans...there are moments for you. Bensler fans...there will be moments for you too. It is NOT a story where Liv has to choose between the two or one wins out over the other...because well...things happen.

Now that I've written an author's note that could compete in length with the actual chapter, I'll let you judge for yourself. I hope you'll read and review! Thanks!

She stared into his eyes, taken back to the time when all she'd ever wanted was to come home from a long day at work and get lost in them. How long had it been? Over a year maybe since the last time she'd seen him. She knew they both worked for NYPD, that he hadn't left New York when they'd split, but she had never sought him out. The final Lewis ordeal…that was the last time she'd seen him. The hospital had called him while she was sitting in the examination room with her face covered in Lewis's blood and she insisted she didn't want him to come. She was fine. Later than night he'd shown up at the apartment and she'd reluctantly let him in and after a long talk it was clear they'd never be back to the way they once were, and they were both okay with it, but she also knew she craved his presence when she was scared or alone and she had to fight those urges, so she just made herself push on without ever contacting him and that had worked well for her…until now.

"What're you doing here?" she asked, and as he pulled her into an awkward hug her whole body tensed.

"I knew IAB was investigating Nick's sudden departure from SVU and I figured you'd prefer to deal with me than Tucker," Brian said, releasing her from the hug. "How've you been, Liv?"

"I'm fine," she cleared her throat, taking a few steps back as the scent of his cologne filled the area around her and made her feel weak in the knees. "There is nothing to investigate. He was shot and Tucker already said Nick was going nowhere in the department…he decided leaving was in his best interest. I can't say I disagree with him."

"You know we have to look into things though," Brian said, taking a seat in her office and she closed her door and sat down next to him.

"I would have been fine with Tucker," she sighed and Brian's eyes widened.

"Really?" he gave a smirk, "I've heard the two of you are close-ish now. Care to share how that happened?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she said, sitting at her desk and staring angrily at him.

"You and Tucker," Brian offered. "All of IAB is abuzz about it…you two going out, having drinks…maybe more…"

"What the hell?" Olivia sputtered. "I had drinks with him a couple of times and that was it. There is nothing going on with us. I don't have time to see anyone anyway…not with Noah and my job here."

"How is the little guy?" Brian couldn't help but smile. He knew how much having a child meant to Olivia. He wished he had felt the same way, because ultimately it was what broke them up. "He's what? Two now?"

"Not quite…he's a year and a half," she picked up a photo from her desk and handed it to him, and Brian took it, staring intently at the picture.

"He's adorable," he smiled, handing it back to her. "I can tell he makes you happy."

"He does," she agreed, sitting the photo back on her desk. "But Bri…I swear…Tucker and me…that was never a thing…it wouldn't have happened even if I didn't have to get home to Noah most nights. Where did you hear something like that anyway?"

"Straight from the horse's mouth," Brian said seriously and Olivia couldn't believe her ears. "You should stay away from him, Liv. I don't trust him…" his voice lowered to a cautious whisper.

"He's harmless," she sighed, "But I'll make sure he knows we have nothing in common, okay?"

Brian stood up and leaned against her desk, "What do you day we go out to dinner and finish up this paperwork on Nick? My treat…"

"I don't think so," Olivia reached for her bag, shoving in the papers she needed to work on at home. "I need to get home."

"Please…" he said more seriously. "I'd like to talk…but not here…" he smiled. "We could go to that little bistro you like. Come on…you can't say no to pasta."

"Bri…you and me…" she said seriously. "We don't have anything in common either…you know that, right?"

"Just a working dinner," he insisted. "Nothing more…"

She nodded, "Okay…working dinner…"

Dinner had gone remarkably well. Olivia had called home to check on Noah and Lucy assured her he was fine and she didn't mind staying late so Olivia could enjoy a rare night out. She looked at her watch as she stood on the curb outside the restaurant and tried to hail a cab. Noah was already asleep she was sure. She hated to miss putting him to bed, but she had relished in some adult conversation and the glass of wine at dinner. It made her feel like a woman again, instead of a cop or a mom. Brian put his arm around her, and she turned to look at him. "I'll see you home," he offered and even though she wanted to tell him she didn't need him to, she just nodded.

The ride home was a quiet one. Neither of them seemed in the mood for small talk, and soon they exited the cab and made their way up to her apartment. She invited him in for a drink and he took her up on it. She said a quick good-bye to Lucy and peeked her head in on Noah before settling on the sofa with a bottle of beer for each of them and Brian by her side. "The place looks different," he said, with a slight chuckle at the toys scattered all over the floor. He picked up a teddy bear from the spot next to him and stared at it. "Are you happy?" he asked. "Happier now…than you were with me?"

"I'm happy," she admitted. "I needed my son, Brian. He saved me…"

"And I never could," he said knowingly.

"I loved you," she said honestly. "But we didn't want the same things…you know that…you didn't want this…" she looked around the room at the colorful mess and smiled. "And this makes me happy…it would've made you crazy…"

"You're right about that. Kids are…I don't know…I just don't know how people do what we do all day and then come home to this little person who is so innocent, knowing there is so much to lose." he said with a serious sadness. "But I loved you, Liv. Even though I didn't want a baby with you…I loved you. I still love you…"

"I still love you too," she said, a hint of sorrow in her voice. "Bri…you should go…"

He didn't move from his spot on the sofa, but instead leaned in and took her face in his hands, kissing her softly on the lips. "I don't want to go…" he whispered, and he knew from her reaction that she didn't really want him to either. "Let's go to your room…" he suggested, "For old time's sake…"

She shook her head, "No…Noah's in there…" she reminded him. She'd moved her son's bed in there a couple of months prior when he'd been sick with the measles and she wanted him as close to her as possible and she never bothered to move it back out. She hadn't had a reason to think she'd need to share her room with anyone other than her baby anytime soon.

"Oh…" he said, pulling away from her with an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry…I don't know what I was thinking…you were right…I should go…" He started to stand up, but she grabbed him and kissed him harder than before.

"No…stay," she gave a mischievous grin. "We can do it here…" she laughed and pushed him down on the sofa with more force than he expected and situated herself on top of him. "For old time's sake…" she chuckled.

"We don't have to…" he was almost out of breath from her forcefulness and he knew if she didn't call things off quickly he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

"I want to," she said, tugging at the buckle of his belt and he surprised her by flipping their entwined bodies so she was under him instead of on top, and she cringed when one of Noah's toys poked her from behind, "Ouch…" she squealed as the toy squeaked underneath her.

Brian pulled away from her, laughing at the comedy of errors, "This is ridiculous…" he teased. "Maybe I should go after all…this isn't what I had in mind…"

"No…don't," she reached behind her and grabbed the toy, a plastic doll with a squeaky belly and tossed is aside. "Please don't go…" She unbuttoned her blouse and threw it on the floor, smiling at the way his eyes shifted over every inch of her bare skin. "I want this…" and she did want it. How long had it been since she'd had sex with anyone? Longer than she could remember, and in a matter of seconds he was back on top of her and she was filled with more emotions than she knew how to handle. "You want this too…right?" she asked in a breathy whisper, but she couldn't make out his answer as he nibbled against her neck.

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"Mama…no…" the little boy's voice quivered as Olivia put a bowl of cereal in front of him. He was going through a stubborn streak lately and "no" was his favorite word.

"You have to eat," she said calmly, but her son wasn't going to give in and pushed the bowl away. Olivia caught it just before it toppled off the high chair tray and onto the floor. "Noah…" she sighed. "Mommy wants you to eat your cereal…"

"No…" the baby screamed and his face reddened to the point that Olivia knew a full-blown tantrum was about to ensue. "Noooooo…" he cried and she gave up, putting the bowl on the counter and watching her son melt down before her eyes.

Brian sat up at the sound of the baby's cries and looked around, noticing the way Olivia tried to soothe her son's tears. She was a good mother. He'd always know she would be. Back when they used to enjoy each other's company as a random hook-up here and there, he'd let himself think about the future with her. He could see their little house with the white picket fence and the two kids, a boy and a girl. He'd let himself dream about it back then…when he was young and dumb. Too bad she didn't want the same thing all those years ago or they'd both probably be in a very different place right now. By the time she was ready for a family, he had grown out of that dream and while he wanted her, he couldn't deny her the life she wanted. If it hadn't been for that damn pregnancy scare he wasn't sure she'd have even come to the conclusion that she wanted a child…and he still regretted his reaction to that.

"Noah…are you ready to eat your cereal now?" Olivia's voice showed a slight hint of frustration, but Noah's cries subsided and when she put the bowl in front of him he started to eat. "That's my good boy," she smiled.

"Liv…" Brian said, standing up from the sofa where he'd slept for the night, Olivia insisting it would scare Noah to wake up and find a stranger in his mother's bed. He didn't mind it though. He could sleep anywhere…especially after she'd worn him out. "I should be going…" He grabbed his jeans from the floor and slipped them on.

"No…" she said quickly. "I want you to meet Noah." She motioned for him to join her in the kitchen and he shuffled across the floor, pulling on his t-shirt along the way. "Noah…" she smiled. "This is Mommy's friend, Brian…" she looked at Brian, "This is my son…" she said, her face beaming with pride.

"He's cute, Liv," Brian said, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He'd never seen her quite so proud, so excited, as happy as she was in that moment showing off this little boy that was her pride and joy. "He's a lucky kid."

"Thanks," she grinned, grabbing a towel and cleaning up the spills Noah left on his tray. "I'm a lucky mom…he's been such a blessing to me…"

"Do you have coffee?" he asked, taking a seat at one of the bar stools and Olivia nodded, and grabbed a cup. He took it from her, "I'll get it…I still remember my way around this kitchen" he said, leaning forward and giving her an awkward peck on the cheek. It wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if she hadn't pulled away from him so quickly, looking shamefully at her son. "I'm sorry…" he said. "You don't want me to kiss you in front of him?"

"I don't want him to get the wrong idea," she admitted sheepishly.

"The wrong idea?" he rolled his eyes. "Liv, he's a baby. He doesn't know I fucked you senseless last night any more than he knows Elmo is a puppet with some jerk's hand up his ass…"

"Gee, thanks for that Bri," she cringed. "You could watch your language you know. He picks up everything."

"I'm sorry…" he said seriously, and he truly was. "I didn't mean to…I'm just not used to being around little kids."

"I read that when single moms are dating, it can be complicated for children to understand and sometimes they get attached to people who won't be around long…" she explained. "So I just don't want him to see you here, see us kiss…and be confused…"

"You asked me to stay and meet him," he reminded her as he sat back down and took a sip of his coffee. "I can leave…"

"I know…I mean…no, you don't have to leave," she ran her fingers through her hair anxiously. "I just don't want Noah to see men traipsing in and out of here and think it's okay…"

"You have men in and out of here a lot?" Brian asked.

"No," she lowered her head. "No one really…not since Noah came into my life…but he was really close to Nick and now he's gone…"

"Nick?" Brian asked. "Were you two…?" he wasn't sure how to ask the question.

"Of course not," she sputtered. "He's a friend…but he was really there for Noah…you know, as an uncle figure…and well, Noah misses him since he left." She looked at her son who was playing with his sippy cup. "I miss him. As much as I love my son, I wonder sometimes how it will be for a boy growing up without a father-figure in his life. I feel guilty sometimes."

"Can't Fin be his surrogate uncle?" Brian asked.

"Sure…but he's usually busy doing whatever it is he does," she laughed. "I'm sorry…this isn't really any of your concern. I just don't want Noah forming attachments to people and losing them…it hurts…and I don't want to put him through that."

"Okay…" Brian said, and he really did understand. Whatever they'd had between them, she obviously believed it was gone now, and while he was thrilled with the idea of an occasional hook-up now and then, he could understand that she wasn't at that point in her life anymore. He put his cup in the sink, "I'm gonna go…it was nice to meet you little one," he tousled Noah's hair as he walked by and the little boy screamed. "Guess that's my cue to get the hell out," he teased.

Olivia followed him to the door, "Bri…wait…" he stopped and turned to her. "Last night…" she said with a glimmer in her eye. "It was great…I've really missed you. It was nice to have a grown up dinner and adult conversation…and…"

"I've missed you too," he leaned forward, kissing her forehead and giving a wink. "We'll do it again soon…" he smiled. "Going to dinner, I mean…"

She laughed, "Yeah…we should go to dinner again soon." The she opened the door and waved good-bye as he walked down the hall. She turned back to the kitchen where Noah was pounding his high chair tray in a desperate attempt to gain her attention. "I'm coming little man," she smiled. "Mommy's coming…" She walked back to the kitchen and cleaned up his mess, "What do you say we move your bed out of Mommy's room today, huh?" she kissed her son and took him out of his highchair, sitting him carefully on the floor.

"Catch Mama…" he yelled as he ran off toward the bedroom and she chased after him.

Chapter 2 is written, but I'm going to try to stay a step ahead on this one...so it'll be up soon.