Hello,

Sexshi here and happy holidays to all my fans. I hope that you celebrate the end of this year and the coming 2019 in whatever fashion you fancy. Cozy up with your drink of choice and enjoy the next arc of Dammit Daria. Strap to your sofa and get ready for a wild ride because we've got some rip-roaring action ahead. Also there may be some dog drool because we have a four-legged cast member joining us.

Happy holidays,

Sexshi Tite-pantz

Dammittttttttttttttt Daria

Chapter Fifteen

Lady in Red

A dog howled as it stuck its head out the window. It was a graying basset hound with cheeks that seemed to drag on the carpet of the car floor. Two women stood in front of the hood of the car as Jane walked up to them. The first woman she met eyes with was built like a squat tugboat. This woman was much shorter than Jane and had a messy bowl cut of dark hair. She had mad fringe and the woman to her side was every bit as opposite. A towering platinum blonde with unhealthy looking hair that reeked of bleach smacked a pack of cigarettes against her hand as she got it ready to open. She was packing it tight before ripping the shrink wrap. Jane picked up her milkshake from the hood of the bright red pickup truck.

Jane recalled the moment she met this strange pair of private investigators as she slurped up chocolate malt ice cream...

"Name's Betty," said the tubby woman, "this 'ere's my partner Darla."

Darla grunted at Jane as she lit a cigarette.

Jane nodded in return.

They stood in a mall parking lot near a Salvation Army Santa who was wearing a Hawaiian shirt over his red suit. He begged for donations by playing to the tune of 'Here Comes Santa Claus' on a ukulele. Jane said, "they really like to push the whole Miami beach thing don't they."

"You don't even know the half of it," Betty replied.

Darla grunted at the Santa and threw a cigarette butt at his feet.

"Darla be nice." Betty said.

Darla hissed at Betty.

Betty's old basset hound growled at their feet when the Santa started playing the ukulele again.

"Skeletor heel."

Skeletor howled and then whimpered.

Jane's eyebrows popped up when Darla parted with a $5 bill. Darla shoved it through the donation slot of the red bucket with a single finger and said, "I won't steal back my donation if you quit playing that pygmy guitar. You're not an islander so quit with the cultural appropriation."

The man gulped as he took up his bell and started waving it. Betty sighed.

The four of them went inside for a coffee and Jane filled them in on all the details while Darla played with Skeletor. Now they had been on the hunt coming on two months...

"I think Daria isn't in Chicago. I bet they took her further West. Where could she have gone…"

Betty traced her finger between a wrinkled map and a cheap smartphone screen. Darla fed the basset hound some dry salami and corn chips while Betty wrote up a new route. Darla smacked her lips as her cheeks sucked in. She gave Jane a dry cough near the face and the bags under her eyes twitched. Darla spit some snot in the muddy snow behind the front wheel of the truck. Jane peeled her eyes at Darla who glared in her general direction.

Jane narrowed her eyes at Darla, "what's with the look? Got a chip on your shoulder because I'm not in the fucking mood."

Betty smirked up at Darla who grunted back.

Darla crossed her arms.

"Darla apologize." Betty nudged her in the ribs.

Darla caught a brick just as it was about to hit Jane in the face.

Jane looked over Darla's shoulder to see three men in suits aiming glocks at them.

"What the fuck is with this mob and throwing bricks?"

Darla swept a hair off Jane's nose with her thumb while holding the brick in the opposite hand, "Sorry."

Jane blinked as Darla dodged a round of bullets with Jane shielded under her gut. Betty grabbed the Uzi from her front seat and opened fire at the mobsters. Two of the men ducked behind some rusty barrels and a pile of trash while the third shot at the tires. Betty opened the driver's side door to let her hound out and climbed through the cab to the other side of the truck. She mounted her gun on the seats and fired again. Darla took a second Uzi from the duffel bag hidden under the seat and shoved a petite pistol in Jane's hand. Jane let off the safety and pushed her back to the truck with Darla guarding her from the front.

The men behind the pile of trash had to reload so Betty shot at their heads, missing each time. Darla grunted to Betty and lead them towards the second vehicle, a miserable Dodge pickup with a bad hot pink paint job and a body full of dents. Both bumpers were held up by a generous amount of duct tape and they fell off at once as the women drove away. Darla shot at the ground from out the window and Betty had shoved Jane at the steering wheel so she could crouch outside in the bed of the pickup.

Jane floored the gas when she realized this was the car the men had arrived in. Darla kept firing until she was sure they had lost them. She took a few breaths until she heard more shots fire. Betty was already on it when a shitty minivan attempted to tailgate them. Jane dipped the steering wheel into a slight turn so that the minivan would hit some loose gravel on the abandoned road they were taking. She veered left to fool the enemy driver and then swerved the Dodge to the right.

Jane missed the light pole as the truck nearly rolled onto its back. The tires bounced as they landed. The front and rear tires on the passengers side had caught air into the daring turn.

They heard the minivan crash into a concrete wall and kept going. Jane leaned into the steering wheel as she picked up speed and she could hear Betty's dog barking from the floor. The basset howled with a 'roo-roo-roo' as they exited to the next town from the dirt roads. The new year had come and gone with snow still bound to the ground. Jane licked her chapped lips and hoped for Daria to return by the end of this February. 2013 was already dragging and she had spent New Years from a Chicago motel room with these private investigators. She swallowed at the memory of Betty pouring two-dollar boxed wine into some plastic cups while Darla watched a buddy cop-drama on the slightly broken TV. Jane had been looking at security cam footage until her eyeballs caught on fire. They got drunk enough to let Betty's dog piss on the motel room floor.

Jane had woken up the next morning to nails pounding in her forehead and she was so hungover she couldn't even smell dog piss. She ran to the bathroom three times, watched Betty order three pizzas, passed out until sunset, and ate a whole cheese pizza. She could recall how much Daria loved pizza. She loved it when the cheese stuck to her chin and Daria would sneak in for a kiss while she licked it off. Daria was so shy when they first got together but she evolved into being far from timid.

"Chicago's a bust. I've got a safehouse close by until we figure out what's next. The feds owe me a favor." Darla said to Jane.

Jane donned a look of shock.

"Pull over," Betty shouted through the rear window of the cab.

Jane pulled off and Betty squeezed Darla into the middle seat with the dog.

"Skeletor, here boy." Betty patted her lap. Skeletor howled as he licked her face to celebrate their reunion. Jane flicked on the headlights while Darla finished making a phone call, "yeah one. Mmm. Maybe two nights. Mmmhhmmm."

Betty gave Jane bad directions as they pulled into the street and Darla took over.

Jane started off going into the wrong lane and quickly banged a U-turn. The truck skidded in the ice but Jane recovered the steering by turning the opposite way.

"We gotta ditch this truck fast. They'll be onto us soon." Betty told them.

Darla grunted in agreement.

Jane gave her response by turning off at a random junk yard. For a bag of donuts and $25 they were rid of the car before the rest of it fell apart. For another $200 the yarder crushed the truck on the spot and hooked them up with a sweet new ride. It was a sight to behold with missing plates and side doors from different cars. A baby pigeon flew out of a crack in one of the tail lights when Jane tried to turn them on. It was a once black Dodge Neon from who knows what year. Two of the doors were red, one was green, and the hood was a color resembling pink.

The proud yarder showed it off, "I did all the body work myself! For $20 I'll spray paint it all the same color for you."

"That won't be necessary." Jane said as she took the keys.

Skeletor chased the rest of the pigeons out of the car while Darla offered the yarder a smoke to console him when Jane crushed his excitement with her signature frown. The night ended with a peaceful atmosphere as they drove to a one-story bungalow outside of the city. They slept in shifts with each person taking a watch in the kitchen that connected to the front door. Jane endured the final watch and saw the kitchen table triple in vision near its end. She was playing solitaire with Betty's deck of cards and she started to see three kings instead of one. When she felt herself slumping forward she heard a loud knock at the door and snapped up in the chair.

"It's Helen! Open up."