AN: PLEASE READ! Trigger warning for anxiety attacks and flashbacks. The section will be clearly marked so anyone that needs to will be able to skip it. This will be in [brackets].

A is for Amethyst, G is for Garnet, and P is for Pearl in relation to POV's.

-A-

She blames me.

I let him past the fence. And he ran after me, and damn it I didn't know he would be so different. I didn't know he'd be Rose's new pet.

Inside the temple I try to quickly return to my room but my guilt has other plans.

"I'm sorry P, I thought she'd quit that shit a long time ago."

Pearl tenses and, with tears in her eyes, snarls out "Stop cursing Amethyst, it's disturbing you've picked such a useless human custom." I feel my cheeks heat with shame.

"Yeah, kinda like fucking right?"

I ignore the glare she's stabbing into the back of my head as I retreat. I try to sleep and I just can't. Then I'm tossing and turning. The next thing I know I'm walking in between boardwalk shops watching as the wind blows wrappers and other pieces of things that everyone has forgotten to care about down the wooden planks. And it seems like it's been five minutes. But it hasn't.

You know?

Like, it's hard to know how long it's been. Because I'm pretty old by human lifetimes. And sometimes I feel like everything slows down and gets real fuzzy.

I'm here every night. On the boardwalk. I spend the days with Vidalia, who's bright and fiery and hurts my eyeballs with her spark. She gets bigger and more pregnant every day and she's finally convinced she doesn't need that dead beat douche. Says she's an independent woman.

"I swear, Ams. I'll teach this little babe everything I know. And he'll never have to need anything from that dick."

"Bitchin' , V." Vidalia's raspy laugh fills the room, her glowing cheek smudged with violet. She continues to paint me, which is one of my favorite things on the earth. I feel at home with V in her gross, rundown apartment. The wallpaper peels at the edges, and I've seen some roaches scuttle when the lights turn on. But she paints fantasy murals on the walls. They're filled with fairies in space and bright supernovas.

We read baby books together and make fun of the people around town who look down on her for being a single mother. She's the first human I've really connected with. I love her. Like, I would let her vomit on me and not even get angry. Which is a thing that happened. It ended with us sopping wet, our clothes still on, facing each other in a tub of chilly water and lavender bubble bath.

That kind of love is what I feel for her. Loyal, gross, ride or die best friends forever love.

"Amethyst, you can't just steal humans' lives from them like this!" Pearl spat at me her cheeks flushed a deep, angered navy.

"Oh- hoh. So now I'm stealing human lives. That's priceless P! WE'RE FRIENDS. We hang out, eat junk, shop for baby clothes. You know friends? Actually, I bet you don't." I say the last part knowing that it's a cheap blow. I know how lonely Pearl feels.

"We both know what this is about. Rose doesn't want you," I fumble with my words at Pearl's devastated expression. "Or at least she can't handle being what humans call-" I groan. What's the stupid word?

"Monogamous" Pearl whispers, voice shaking with her head tilted to the ground.

"Yeah, that. She doesn't want that. And what's fucked up P, is that she knows. She KNOWS you'll be there once he's dead to take her back. Like immortality is a FUCKING EXCUSE TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS. This isn't about me and V."

"You know human's lives are microscopic compared to ours," she says ignoring my last comment. "I'm just warning you, try having a clear conscience when the woman's on her death bed knowing you've been her sole, useless affection."

I flinch and rub my hand roughly over my face as she flees the room. That night I cry until the sun comes up again. Like I'm at a funeral for me and Pearl's friendship, or something. It's so stupid of me.

After that I slowly ween myself out of Vidalia's existence. Soon it's just phone calls and then our relationship blinks out completely and I feel the fuzzy feeling coming again. It seems like time and my memory slurs. It's like when I drink too much boxed wine and it doesn't focus back in until Rose gives her announcement. She's pregnant.

"That's preposterous, gems cannot give birth like the mammals of this biosphere." Pearl insists this with a shaky voice. I watch as she breathes rapidly keeping her eyes attached to Rose. Awesome, beautiful, awful Rose. Rose who's gently telling us that from what Garnet has seen she will not be surviving this birth.

"I must give all myself to this child; all my love is his now."

"No" Pearl mewls, the sound cutting through me. "NO." This time it's a scream and I hold her. Even when she fights it and claws at my purple flesh. I can't see any more from the amount of tears pouring out of my eyes but I'm sure Pearl's letting out more. Whimpers and moans tear through my mentor and we both shake in pain. Garnet with her unnatural body heat situates herself behind us, her thighs on either side of our combined form. She pulls us into herself.

"I- I'm sorry. But I promise we'll be okay." Garnet's voice breaks. "I hate to see you both like this. I miss her too. I'm gonna take care of you both." She mumbles her speech through Pearl's devastation and my hiccups. Snot runs down my chin. I swipe at it. Garnet pets our heads as she rocks everyone back and forth.

Steven is six months old today.

I visit Steven now.

Sometimes, when I miss Rose and Pearl too and I just need a reminder of who came out of all this, I like to babysit. I didn't at first, visit Steven that is. But there he is one day, curling his grubby fingers into my newly lengthened hair. We look into each other's eyes and he lets out a huge, ecstatic giggle. I laugh back.

And I find myself seeing Steven more and more. He makes my bad days good ones and I'm not sure how because Rose never could. Sometimes I try to tell Pearl this, because after all this time she hasn't laid eyes on him. But this makes her teary eyed and high strung and she starts sounding really clinical again. She does that when she's distressed. And I'm too tired to fight her. If she wants to only come out for missions- fine. Garnet hasn't said anything. She's the leader. It's not my place.

-G-

She's distracted. I sprint towards her and punch through a rogue flying boulder just in time. I dismiss her tiny gasp with a growl. This is reckless. The offending creature lunges toward me. I grip the slithering gem monster by its face. It's dangerous for the team. There's a crunching sound as I grip tighter to the thrashing gem. I let out a grunt as I fling the monster onto the sharp rocks protruding from the mountain side. It disappears in a puff of smoke.

"Pearl" I yell, feeling rage bubble inside of me. From the corner of my eye I see Amethyst back into a tree. This barely registers in my mind.

"I- I'm so sorry. I've- I" the little blonde gem's shoulders slump as her eyes fill with tears. My stomach flips. I groan quietly. Breathe.

The breathing technique doesn't work so well because before I can stop myself my impulsivity gets the better of me. "When did you become so weak?"

"What?" She looks taken aback.

"You used to be strong. You proved to everyone around you that you were more than what you were programmed to be. And now? You've nearly let this ruin you. This isn't the Pearl I knew, you" I gesture to her, "were a fighter. A general. A renowned strategist." I huff, trying to rephrase myself.

It sounds like I'm attacking her.

I'm so bad at this.

"Don't let this break you. I know it hurts. But- I promised I'd take care of you. And… I- I can't save you from… you."

She's looking up to me, face slick with sweat and tears running tracks down her cheeks. In the light of this sunset, orange and ethereal, she is stunning and unobtainable all the same. I clear my throat, realizing it's been a good thirty seconds of heavy breathing and concrete silence.

"You need to heal, Pearl." I take her face in my blistered hand and wipe the tears from her right cheek. "You need to fight this. Promise me." I don't mention Rose by name, it's too soon. Utterly insensitive.

Pearl nods vigorously. I grunt my disapproval "I want to hear you say it Pearl."

"I promise, I'll try." I run my thumbs across the soft skin under her sky blue eyes, they flutter under my touch. I pull away, mechanically bubbling the corrupted gem.

"Let's go."

When Rose gave birth to Steven I had already seen her do so, it seems, a thousand times before hand. I would watch the bright flash of light turn a soft hazy pink as Rose disintegrated herself into a misty energy. Then this aura would slowly dim as the little pink cheeked creature absorbed it into his skin. Rose's gem was, is… always is disproportionate on such a tiny, human tummy.

I offer to babysit him. Greg seems exhausted after just a few weeks and I spend nearly all my free time with the child anyway. He intrigues more than I'd ever admit aloud. Human and gem. Completely unique. Because he isn't Rose. But when he giggles he commands the same power his mother did. But, he's got his daddy's eyes. Filled with happiness.

I bring Amethyst along when he's around three months. She sits cross legged and studies her nails. Obviously a nervous wreck. I lower Steven into her arms and they both freeze. For a couple of seconds I stand in silence patiently waiting for the possible stream of future to merge into the river of present and past. Steven lets out an obnoxiously loud giggle that makes Amethyst jump. Then the purple girl scrunches up her nose and lets out a laugh from deep within her belly. Steven gives a big, wet "Aghhh" before latching onto Amethyst's silvery hair.

"You know, little buddy. You're not so bad." She laughs airily and peers up at me. "I even bet Pearl would like you."

After that I have to battle Amethyst for babysitting duties. I do this for show. But, in all honesty, I'm glad she's so enamored. I'm relieved that this future is the one that came to be. The time line where Amethyst gives up her destructive human tendencies for a fixation on sweet Steven. The hurricane drinking and dangerous stunts at local college parties stop and I realize Steven has become her coping mechanism.

Steven has just turned seven months old. To celebrate I strap him into his stroller and wave goodbye to Greg as I push us toward the Big Donut. I order one donut hole and a cup of black coffee. A piece of the sugar coated confection gets handed to Steven and the rest is popped into my mouth. I reel back at the incredible sweetness and glance down at Steven. Should he be eatin' this?

But he seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself. Who am I to stop a party? I shrug to myself and head out of the shop towards the temple. I square myself with a slug of coffee. This is it.

-P-

I visualize all the vertebrate of my spine aligning as I lift back up and look toward the ceiling. En pointe, neck exposed. My arms in a perfect position three. I breathe deeply enjoying the filling, albeit unnecessary, feeling. I conduct myself into a blur of pastel set to classical music. I go on like this for two pieces. Two measurements into the third I stutter. I push on through the bridge. Then in an instant I am disturbed completely.

[TRIGGER]

"My Pearl."

I collapse, body shaking. A chill runs down my spine. My thighs shake as I stay close to surface of my pool on hands and knees. "Rose?" I wait for a stifling few seconds for an answer. Clawing my hands through my hair I quickly stand. Nervous, as if someone would have seen. Tears pool in my eyes. I feel the familiar tightening in my stomach. No, please.

"It's their choice to spend their time with me, Pearl. Who am I to deny them?"

My breath quickens, lungs burning from such heavy use. No, no, no.

"They live such short, yet complex lives. Isn't it amazing? To get to be a part of all of this."

Smoke surrounds me, I am covered in roughly died cottons gripping a silver sword. Its blade is smudged with dirt and blood. I stand in front of Rose, swinging my weapon in an arc to clash with the gem of a homeworld soldier. The tiger's eye shatters on impact, its shards showering me in a thousand caramel pieces.

"Pearl." Rose says smiling maniacally.

"Pearl. My Sweet Pearl."

"Pearl!" I hiccup as firm arms wrap around my twisted figure. "Hey s'alright, I'm here. You're here." I cling to the warmth, fighting the images assaulting me.

"I think… I think I'm in love." Rose giggles and my heart lurches. "I'm in love with him! And it feels so," she cocks her head "exhilarating."

I feel like I'm shattering.

"Feel that?" Garnet's hand is ice cold and getting colder as she presses it to my chest. "Focus on the feeling Pearl." I sob in the difficulty of it all.

I'm shattering.

I curl over crying out in pain. The warmth and ice follow my movements like a second skin. It shushes me as fingers brush through my hair and against my scalp. My cries quiet. I feel my breathing begin to calm. It stutters every once in a while. I am rocked. The classical music is still playing. I hadn't noticed.

[TRIGGER ENDING]

I grab Garnet's wrist and try pulling it away from my freezing chest. "No." She says firmly. Then, in a more gentle tone and a lessening of the temperature, "not yet." I'm grateful we aren't facing each other as I nod. I don't have to try and hide the shame on my face. And we don't have to have the conversation about my being so… again.

"I'm sorry about that." I try and fail at my usual chirp of a voice. It comes out of me sounding shaky and rusted. The flashbacks have left just as quickly as they had come. This episode has been much milder than they usually are.

"I 'ave someone who would like to meet you" Garnet says in her melodic timber. She's ignoring my last statement. It isn't surprising, given last time.

"Don't apologize! This isn't your fault and it's not something you can control. You're never goin' to be an inconvenience to me Pearl. Stop thinking of yourself as such. It's a flat lie."

"They're out on the beach with Amethyst. Come on." Before I can say no I'm hoisted up on to her right shoulder facing her back. Her arm is locked onto my waist like a belt of steel. I frown but I don't struggle. I still feel a bit groggy.

After a short time I'm sat down and immediately hands cover my eyes blocking out the image of a calm ocean. I jolt, a streak of paranoia running through me. "Sorry, sorry. It's just me P." I nod stiffly. Wisps of Amethyst's hair float along my shoulders and cheeks in the sea breeze.

"Okay, hold out your arms… as if you might carry a child." Amethyst snorts at Garnet's attempts at secrecy. I straighten apprehensively but obey the request none the less. With Amethyst's hands over my eyes I can only see shades of lavender when I desperately try to open my eyes and peek.

"Careful." A tiny squirming weight is transferred into my arms. Light floods my vision. I slowly, fearfully look down. A gust of air leaves my lungs. I stare, doe eyed, at the little human child wiggling in my arms. I feel as stiff marble when he begins to notice me. His chocolatey eyes grow wide with wonder. A soft coo trills out of his teeny pink lips.

I take in a shaky breath curling around him in a flash of movement to get closer. He's startled by the speed; I worry he'll start to cry. Just then he speaks to me in high pitched nonsensical sounds that grow less and less hesitant by the vowel. They continue even when he leans back, letting me support him, so that he can explore my face with both his soft hands. His coos grow louder and louder.

"I think he wants you to say somethin' P."

I blink and whisper, voice coated in amazement "hello little one." Immediately a spectacular laugh rips itself from Steven and I can't help but smile back. I hunch in, more so as not to let the others see the tears in my eyes. Steven keeps his little hands plastered to my face.

"It is… nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry," I clear my throat of emotion. "I'm sorry I took so long."

After Steven moves in I am utterly ecstatic. In the back of my mind something whispers that I enjoy having someone to love unconditionally, someone to take care of. Someone who loves me back unconditionally.

The way that he looks up at me with stars in his eyes. The way he's completely positive that I can do anything. Like I'm some human superhero fantasy. These things breathe life into me.

I watch him as he sleeps, both to make sure he isn't plagued with nightmares or spontaneous death and to watch his darling mannerisms. And sometimes, when it's really bad I whisper to him. I tell myself that Rose might be able to hear me.

But after we find out about Lion I stop that. Instead I warp to a quiet place on the other side of Earth's biosphere and I scream until my throat is raw. The flashbacks have been dormant for a couple of human years now, but only just so. Because I learned grounding. Not because I'm 'over it'. But I like to lie to myself. To Garnet too.

I think she sees straight through me though.

Some days I'm overwrought with guilt. It burns through me and leaves me lethargic. I spend those days worshipping Rose. I tell myself she was this pure light source. I delude myself into thinking she would've finally given up humans for me. If only Greg hadn't come running after Amethyst. I'll slap my face then. Not Amethyst. Don't put this on her.

This is Rose's doing.

She loved me, of course she did. I was just never enough. I could never quench her thirst for passion. When she discovered the sexualities of humans it escalated from lingering touches and extravagant gifts to long nights filled with disgusting sounds of-

And then I can't decide if it gets better or worse. All I know is that it feels more powerful. The rage. It boils and I implode. I claw at my face and let the atmosphere hear a list of everything I never wanted to see. The cold interior underneath warm smiles. The ever present giggle, even in the most barbaric of situations. Showered with shards of caramel. How she would plead for me to not fight in her place, but never did she grab her scabbard and fight alongside me.

And stupid me, I gave a vow of utter loyalty. As if she needed one, not when I had literally been manufactured for her. It gets inexplicably more complicated when I fit Garnet in to my late night explorations. On a random mission, on a random day I had grasped for the Amazonian woman's arm. She had remained passive at worst of the incidents following the first and even recipient at certain glaring points.

Then of course there were the times she was the initiator.

The times that ripped the thought from my subconscious to the forefront of my mind that I have a sexuality too, damn it.

"How's my volume?"

"It's low." A loud metallic clang rings out as Steven runs off saying he needs to see his father. The car wash is only a block away. I grimace. He has his bubble. I sigh uncomfortably, anxiety itching at the edge of my mind.

Colorful, booming explosions litter the inky sky. They leave trails of voluminous smoke clouds behind. As the show ends I quickly fold the blanket and phase it into my gem along with all the pans and utensils.

"You alright" Garnet asks oblivious to the sea of humans parting around her. The tall woman stands with her hands stuffed into her borrowed jacket. She looks oddly pretty with the grey swirling in the sky behind her.

"Yes, not even a twinge of disorientation."

"Good, let's go home." I nod and begin walking towards the direction of the temple. Garnet falls in step beside me and to my surprise (and a rather embarrassing flutter of my heart) she wraps her leather clad arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards her. I end up walking back to the temple with my body pressed into her side. She smells like amber and nutmeg.

At the doors to the temple Garnet turns and smirks. I feels my eyes widen fractionally. "Night Pearl."

"G- good night." She's already gone by the time I reply.

"It's you and me Pearl."

When she consents to fusing with me I don't quite understand why there are tears in my eyes. Or why I feel like I'm being given oxygen after being submerged in frigid water for hundreds of thousands of years like some weak bodied human. And it's ecstasy fusing with her.

But I wish we had never done it.

"I'm sorry P. What you did was fucked up but man… I don't know. I'm not so good with these things. Just, she'll talk to you when she's ready. But you know, I think it's gonna be okay."

"How can you possibly say that?"

"Garnet loves you."

I shrug violently. "She loves you too. She loves Stev-"

"No. Pearl. Ugh- you don't get it."

I huff dismissing the subject. "Thank you for sitting with me like this. You know I do love you, right?"

"Ah, come on P." Amethyst chuckles nervously.

"I'm serious. I know we have these fights… but you're my best friend." I sigh as she smiles at me.

"I love you too, man." We sit there watching steam rise from the cup of untouched tea until my thoughts become too loud again.

"I just want to take it all back. I felt so feral and desperate, I wasn't thinking. Or maybe I was? I just... I don't know why I keep-"

I wish that it hadn't ended in that smoldering kiss hidden by screens of mountainous smoke.

"I wish that I hadn't realized how much I am in love with you." I hang my head in shame. "I needed to feel that closeness again. I-" I wipe at my face and square my shoulders.

What can I say?

That I'm tired of being the woman who waits patiently for her unrequited love to run out of options?

"I love you." It sounds pathetic coming out of my mouth.

I should have trusted her, I should have taken it slow.

"I'm not Rose."

Because she isn't Rose.

"I know that."

Doesn't she know I know that?

AN: So there it is, eleven pages later. I don't know; I'm a perfectionist so tell me what you guys think because I might edit it more. I might also continue this. This started as something that was going to be paired as Pearlnet but honestly there's a little Pearlmethyst in there too because I can't stand my Amethyst being neglected. I got this idea in my head that when Pearl is emotionally threatened she sounds increasingly more clinical- I'm sure you noticed. I also got it into my head that Amethyst and Vidalia are bad ass bitches who are a little radical 90's feminist- ish. Note: "Bitchin', V." It got weird with Garnet because I couldn't decide if when she thought she would think in we or I terms. Whether it would be a dissociative disorder kind of a perspective or not. I decided to go with 'I' since I firmly believe that Garnet is her own unique being. It's obviously more complicated than that with the whole "you forget you were ever alone" thing. But, hey. Anyway, I'm rambling. Read, review, favorite- whatever you deem my fic worthy of. :)