I do not own Naruto

Minato sighed in defeat. Of course out of all times he could have caught Naruto, he caught him during his craving time. While the Uzumaki had no cool doujutsu, they had a very unique kekki-genki that allowed them full knowledge of fuinjutsu and natural longlivety. But for whatever reason, these abilities are linked to their ramen consumption. That being said, every week or so their bodies crave ramen and they eat like madmen. Kushina does it, Narumi does it, and if Mito Uzumaki were still alive, Minato would bet she'd do it too.

This put him in a terrible position. Not only would he have to be quick about his conversation, but he'd have to make sure not to do anything that would set Naruto off to bad.

"Hokage-sama, I hope you didn't bring me here just to space out," Naruto said, bringing Minato out of his thoughts.

Minato quickly cleared his throat and laughed nervously.

"Oh, sorry," he began, "So now that we can finally talk in a civil manner, I'd like to ask you a few questions."

Instead of responding Naruto slowly began reaching for his kunai pocket. Minato tensed as he began to interrogate his son.

"Let's start with a simple question, where have you been."

Naruto looked at his father. At a glance he looked tough, his resolve steeled. However on closer inspection one could see how worried he was.

"Are you asking this as the Hokage or as my father," Naruto asked, his hand finally reaching his kunai pocket.

Minato voice rose a little higher.

"That is of no importance! What is important is the fact that you left the village for years without permission!"

Naruto's hand finally left the pocket revealing a deck of playing cards. The cards were pure black with crimson red designs. He began shuffling the cards, slowly at first. But as the conversation went on, he shuffling began to quicken.

"I'm a civilian," Naruto said plainly, "There's no rule against a civilian leaving."

By this point his shuffling had become erratic, yet controlled. To the naked eye, the cards were just blurs of red and black.

"YOU'RE A CHILD!" Minato finally shouted, "CHILDREN CAN NOT LEAVE WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THEIR PARENTS!"

The sound of card shuffling finally stopped as Naruto got up from his seat. Despite his obvious anger, he never broke from its stoic façade. Naruto looked his father in the eye as he broke his heart.

"You lost the right to call yourself my father years ago."

Minato wanted to retort, but his words were caught in his throat.

After a bit he finally cleared his throat and spoke,

"On to the next subject, how and why did you get Konan into our academy?"

Naruto finally sat back down and looked up to his father in honest confusion. It was the most emotion he had shown throughout the entire conversation.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"She's but a child"

"If I recall correctly she was a ninja before you were born." Naruto stated with the upmost certainty.

"She clearly acts like a young girl."

Naruto slowly began shuffling his deck of cards once again.

"She knows when to be serious. I've seen her in battle, even in her current state. I don't I could beat her when she's actually trying."

Minato looked worriedly at his son, but steeled his heart for his response.

"Fine, I will allow her to stay. But if I find even one reason she should be expelled from the academy believe me I will take it." Minato replied sternly.

"Is that all?" Naruto asked, not even looking back at his father.

"Yes, you are dismissed."

And like that Naruto disappeared into a puff of cards. Minato sighed in defeat as he looked upon the pile of jokers.

"Someone has to clean those up now"

Naruto finally found himself at the home of the greatest food in history. As he sat down and ordered a bowl he thought to himself how nice it was to finally have a break from everything. No annoying family members, no childish Konan, and, hopefully, no crazy Hinata. It was just him, his agonizing depression, and the great treasure that is ramem.

Naruto woke up in a haze. He was laying down on something like a mat. He felt something covering his head.

Great, he was kidnapped and blindfolded. His arms were tied behind his back and legs tied together. And, try as he might, he couldn't break the rope. He had actually stopped for a second and commended his captor on such high quality kidnapping material.

He went over the day's events to try and find when this could've happened. It couldn't have been over the course of the school day. He hadn't eaten anything. The same couldn't be for the Hokage's office. The only time he had eaten was…

No. He refused to believe ramen, the only truth in this world, would ever hurt him.

Finally he heard a door cracking open in the distance. Slow, soft footsteps could be heard until they stopped right in front of him. Finally he heard a voice above him.

"Oh Naruto" the voice said sensually. He recognized that voice.

Fuck

If that was who he thought it was he was not in a position he wanted to be in. Finally the blind was removed.

"How I've missed you." Finally he saw her for the first time in years.

"Kaguya, it's nice to see you." He said calmly, though blushing. She was stood over him in an almost see through night gown, leaving almost nothing to the imagination. She of course was a beautiful woman. With the proportions of a literal goddess.

"Now that we're together again we can finally make you a god" she said excitedly.

"Where am I Kaguya" Naruto asked, turning his head to look at his surroundings.

"Aww, don't be like that Naruto, it's been ages since we last met"

"I told you about this Kaguya, I don't want to be a god or anything like that."

She hung over him, breathing in his scent before speaking again.

"Of course you do, honey"

"Where am I, Kaguya" He said more sternly this time. She looked into his eyes and smiled.

"Don't worry; we're still in your village, sort of."

Naruto sighed as he looked at the goddess before him. He remembered the first time he saw her. Of course it was in battle. She was so impressed with how he fought she decided to make him a god. All that it required was for him to hunt down and kill nine jinjuriki, summon the ten-tails itself, and seal the beast into himself and bam! Instant god.

Naruto was brought out his thoughts by Kaguya putting her face inches away from his, looking longingly into his eyes.

"Kaguya, you are entirely to close"

She then proceeded to ignore him as she began bringing her lips ever closer to his until finally

She was pulled back by the collar of her nightgown. Naruto and Kaguya looked back to find a furious Hinata staring back at them.

"How did you get in here, I placed us in a pocket dimension so no one would interrupt us?"

"Neither time nor space can get in the way of true love. Now tell me Naruto, what are you doing with this harlot"

Naruto turned to her deadpanned.

"I was literally dragged here"

Hinata then looked towards Kaguya, who smiled fearfully.

"Now look young one, we could yell at each other all night,"

Hinata look eager to do that.

"Oooor, we could share a tied up Naruto for a while."

Hinata looked at Naruto, then Kaguya, then Naruto again.

Naruto didn't go home that night.

Hey, I'm still alive. Sorry for putting this out so late, I was moving and in the process my computer broke. Anyway, I'm finally back and still have absolutely no plan for how this'll go, so any suggestions would be appreciated.