Settling down for the day in the forward battery, Garrus sighed as he inspected the Thanix one last time. Spirits he was tired. The daily struggle of war, of endless reports flooding through with lists upon lists of causalities… there was only so much a Turian could take. He had tried his best to organise and defend his planet with his small task force but ultimately he had had no way of knowing if anything he did during the months that Shepard had been locked away had amounted to anything. He rubbed his hands down his scarred face and huffed out a breath.

There was nothing else he could do tonight but wait until the day cycle started again and they could get back to fighting. He and Tali had been getting close recently and he was grateful that he had someone to lean on when things got rough. He had Shepard to turn to as well, but spirits knows she had enough to worry about without him adding to her problems. He unclasped his tunic and slid the material off, angling away as he lifted it over his head so as not to catch on the ends of his fringe and he breathed a sigh of relief as he realised just how constricted his clothes had come to make him feel recently. He was too worked up, too agitated all the time and he knew that sooner or later this war would claim somebody that he cared about.

He should probably try and escalate things with Tali at some point. The banter and flirting had become ridiculous lately, with endless amounts of innuendo whenever they spoke about weapons or popping heat sinks. The two of them had a few things in common and he was enjoying her company. He smirked and his mandibles flared as he remembered her shy, stuttering voice when he had brought up the topic of easing tension… she was definitely cute, more experienced since they had first met three years ago, but definitely still just as cute. Suddenly his mind exploded with flashes of emerald green eyes and red hair, porcelain white skin and he shuddered as Shepard invaded his mind and senses again.

Dammit… he had thought that he had put these feelings behind him! He wanted, no he needed, to move on!

Come on, who in their right mind wouldn't harbour a crush on Commander Shepard. She was just…everything, for lack of a better word. He grumbled as he pushed those thoughts and feelings back. Focus on Tali he chanted. She was lovely, really… clever, charming, and thoughtful and those hips… he let out a trill as more inappropriate thoughts invaded his mind. He worked quickly to remove his trousers and he replaced them with sleeping ones, bare from the waist up as he readied himself for another nights attempt at sleeping. He never did get much, not these days at least. Climbing on top of his cot, he rearranged his meagre pillows to support his neck and he lay on his back, closing his eyes with his hands clasped on his chest. He hummed as he fought off wave after wave of thoughts – horrendous creatures, screams, the smell of burning flesh, the way his body shook every time a reaper announced its presence… He shivered in the dark as the eerie glow from the reds and oranges of the Thanix cannon, swirled inside his closed eyes.

Just as he was falling asleep, he heard a scuffling of feet and a bang echo outside the doors. Arching a brow plate he growled in irritation at whatever ensign was making all that racket. Sometimes, having the crews sleeping pods right outside his door, made him twitchy. He could never get any proper rest on this ship. The scuffling continued until he heard a small giggle and he sat up to lean on one arm as he stared at the door, willing the occupant behind it to shut the hell up. Another giggle and a curse later and his doors unceremoniously opened and Shepard dropped to her hands and knees in front of him through the door.

''Shepard?'' he asked, too shocked at her presence to move.

He watched his commanding officer burst out laughing, and as she looked up her eyes met his and she smiled at him, her green eyes burning into his blue ones and he swallowed uncomfortably, wishing he could somehow pull his blanket up over his half naked form as he realised that she was now staring at him. He watched her get to her feet and as she got closer, shuffling towards his bed unsteadily, he sniffed and the aroma of brandy wafted up his nose and he crinkled it in distaste. She must be drunk. It was so rare to ever see the Great Commander Shepard let loose that he felt frozen in place, so much so that he couldn't even move or even protest as she climbed on to the small cot with him and his breath hitched as she straddled his waist, her oh so soft hands finding purchase on his chest, her fingers now outlining his keelbone.

He shivered.

''Uh... Shepard? What are you doing?'' he said nervously as he looked up at her.

Her hair had fallen over half of her face and he could see that her eyes had closed while she traced each individual plate on his chest, her breathing was rapid, her cheeks flushed and he fought the urge to move away from her. She obviously wasn't in her right mind right now.

''Garrus…'' she whispered and he swallowed uncomfortably again as she bent down to brush her forehead with his.

He trilled in shock, the sound echoing over the hum of the weapons systems and he grabbed her by the shoulders to sit up properly, her body still encasing his as he pushed her back. Does she not realise that she basically just kissed him? Does she even know what the gesture implies, or how seriously Turians take it when it happens to them? This wasn't happening he hummed in anxiousness as her eyes opened and met his again. He searched her face for some sort of explanation and found nothing.

''Shepard… this… you're drunk – I mean… let me help you back to your roo-'' he said and he sucked in a breath as she leaned forward again, forehead to forehead and she clasped her hands behind his neck essentially keeping him place. Spirits, by Turian definition he was technically making out with his commander! He growled and she smiled sadly at him.

''Garrus… I-I need to tell… tell you something…'' she whispered and her hot breath puffed over his face. He tightened his hold on her shoulders as he felt her sway, not wanting her to fall.

''Garrus… I'm not going to make it through… this… this war. I know… hmm, I know I'm going to die.'' She said as she released her hold on him to bury her face into his neck, her arms coming up to rest in his cowl.

His body ran cold with fear and desperation at her words and his heart beat erratically at the thought of her dying. If she died before him… Spirits, it would break him.

''That's ridiculous Shepard. I refuse to believe it.'' He said fiercely as his hold on her shoulders moved to her elbows, trying to pry her off him so that he could look into her face.

''S'not ridiculous… Mordin died… Thane died… Legion… everyone is d-dying and I can't stop it.'' She muttered drunkenly, her words sounding like the rambling of a madman.

''Everyone is dying Garrus. But not you. Never you!'' she said loudly and she poked him with her index finger on his keel bone. She giggled again for some reason and he felt his mouth open and shut again as he tried to make sense of her words.

''Why not me Shepard? If anything, you are the one who is never allowed to die.'' He said now looking around the room as his body filled with adrenaline, realising the compromising situation he was in.

His commanding officer was straddling him in bed and she had her hands all over him. He realised belatedly that this was the first time he had ever seen her wearing so little. A black tank top clung to her upper body, those peculiar things that human men were attracted to, were prominently displayed, and her collar bones rose with each breath, daring him, inviting him to bury his teeth into the soft flesh. He itched from wanting to move his hands onto her bare legs, her lower half only covered by a set of work-out shorts that clearly defined each curve of yet another feature Turians were unaccustomed to desiring – her backside. Garrus trilled again as she moved backwards and forwards over him and he thanked the spirits that she couldn't understand his subvocals.

He did his best to ignore the small shivers of pleasure that her nails brought to him each time she scratched lightly over his plates or on a patch of skin, there was yet again, only so much a Turian could take. If anyone walked in now, with the way that she was swaying back and forth on top of him in her intoxicated state it would definitely give the wrong impression.

''I... I can't do this without you Garrus. I don't want to… I t-tried to stop it… to not –'' she hummed as she bent her head to the side, placing a small kiss on his right mandible, '' I tried not to f-feel things for you Garrus. S'not working though.'' She stuttered.

Oh crap, this could not be happening!

He panicked and he cupped her chin with his two fingers, making sure his talons wouldn't scratch her soft skin as he stared at her.

''Shepard you are drunk. What you are feeling, will pass. I promise… I will always be there for you-'' he said only to widen his eyes and gasp loudly as she put her soft wet mouth on his rough, hardened one, kissing him again and releasing his mouth with a small moan and moving back to put her hand on the scarred side of his face.

''Garrus…it won't go away… been like since I... since I met you. I have…hmm….I love you Garrus.'' She stammered and he saw her eyelids flutter down as she breathed in deeply while bringing their heads together again.

His mind reeled at the words she had just said. The Commander Shepard, his superior but more than that his friend had just told him that she had loved him for years. His feelings for her that he had kept buried deep, deep inside of him resurfaced with a vengeance and his body burned with need for her and more of those sweet words that she had just uttered. As quickly as his desire and love for his friend emerged, it just as quickly died when a feeling of shame passed through him as well in regards to his other friend.

Tali.

Oh spirits, what was he doing letting Shepard touch him like this? He should be stopping it. He did love this woman once upon a time but she had never, ever shown any inclination that she felt the same as he once had. He and Tali…. Spirits, it's not like they were dating but they were moving in that direction weren't they? It was too late wasn't it? What could they do about it now, when the entire universe had gone to hell? When death came knocking on their doors every day, what could he and Shepard possibly achieve by starting something new together? He had been flirting with Tali for a few months now and while he didn't have the same burning passion for her as he felt for Shepard, Tali gave him things and could give him things that Shepard could not… or at least not until just this moment.

The silence had stretched while his thoughts tried to reorder themselves and he heard a small sound come from Shepard. Bringing his attention back to her he noticed her eyes seemed blurry, like an excess amount of water had been poured in and when she smiled at him again, her eyes crinkling at the corners, the water that he now understood to be tears, ran down her cheeks to pool beneath her chin. He pushed her back in shock on reflex and he saw how her smile vanished from her face at the perceived rejection and how pain now filled her features. He regretted his actions instantaneously.

''I just wanted someone… No, I just wanted y-you to know, that you are loved Garrus. That you are an exceptional soldier, a dear and t-trustworthy friend, that you are to me… the one person who I value most in this f-fucked up hell we live in.'' she said again as she sniffed and gave a small laugh.

''I wanted to tell you all this while I was still drunk and while I had the courage to do so,'' she said as she climbed off of him, stumbling to the floor, and standing with her back to him facing the door, ''but I guess Cerberus took that from me too. It s-seems I can't quite stay drunk long enough.'' She said quietly with another swipe to her eyes.

He watched his friend, the woman he had pined for and over for years, wipe at her eyes as she cried. Spirits, she was so convinced that she was going to die, that she wouldn't make it through this that she had purposefully gotten drunk and came down here to him, to drop the biggest fucking bomb of emotions on him that he had ever felt. At this moment he was so conflicted as he watched her shudder, her shoulders shaking from the effort to not presumably cry even harder and as quick as that weakness was displayed, he watched in amazement how her shoulders dropped, her chin lifted, her back became rigid as she took control and once again - she put on the face of Commander Shepard. Her brief lapse of emotions and revelations almost seeming like they had never happened at all.

''Shepard… I… I,'' he said and stopped when she turned around, his eyes searching frantically all over her face for any signs of anger and surprisingly he found none.

''I apologise Garrus.'' She said curtly, tone of voice all business, and he scowled as he saw her eyes avoiding his and instead looking to the wall behind him, ''if we could pretend that this never happened I would be grateful.''

What?!

Like he was capable of forgetting all of this? She must be insane! He swung his leg off the bed and he paused for a moment… What exactly was he going to do? Stop her from leaving? Hold her? Apologise? Spirits he didn't know what he wanted but as she held a hand up to stop him from getting off he stayed where he was; one leg off the bed , one leg on and his arm stretched out to steady himself on the side, half naked and breathing rapidly. She had just changed his entire world.

''I'm sorry Garrus.'' She said and he watched her walk out.

''Shepard! Get down NOW.'' He screamed at her as a brute came running towards her, its large scissor-like claws swiping indiscriminately at everything in its path and with a well-aimed shot, he hit the beast with the full power of his Widow. He watched Shepard struggle to get up from the ground, knowing that she had taken a shot in the leg from a cannibal that had gotten in a lucky shot earlier and he sighed in relief as he watched her roll in to cover. From his vantage point he could clearly see the area directly around her and with a slight pang of guilt he scoped through his weapon to check on Tali who had joined them on this mission.

Immediately after, his gaze swung back to Shepard and he growled low in his throat in anger as he opened up a private comm channel.

''What the hell are you playing at Shepard?'' he hissed down the line and he saw her turn her head to his direction through his scope.

''I'm doing my job Vakarian.'' She hissed back and lobbed a grenade over her covering position, the resulting explosion causing screams to come from their enemies who had been hit.

''You've got a fucking death wish Shepard?'' he all but shouted at her as he lined up his next shot, a clean surgical shot directly between the four eyes of the monster.

''Shut it Vakarian. I'm busy, I do not need a lecture from you on how to do my job.'' She snarled at him and his anger grew exponentially, a burning need to rip something to shreds with his bare hands.

Since that night two weeks ago, she had taken to calling him Vakarian constantly, her eyes never keeping his gaze for longer than a few moments and it was only through sheer persistence and several arguments that she had agreed to let him on the ground team today. His hands tightened on his weapon as he tried to slow his breathing, a sniper always had to control, regulate and calm themselves in order to do their job well. Right now, at this moment, he wished he had specialised in heavy weapons, so great was his ire for his commander.

''I'm sick of this Shepard. Stop trying to die on me.'' He said viciously and dropped a husk that had come up behind her.

''No promises there.'' She whispered so quietly that he almost didn't catch it over the sound of a banshee approaching.

''Spirits, this day just gets better and better.'' he muttered.

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was filled with a tension so thick it was almost suffocating. Tali glanced nervously between the two every few minutes and when she had tried to lighten the mood by using Garrus' line of 'Just like old times' they had both taken to staring at her before resuming their sulking. He sighed and played with his helmet in his hand, back and forth he swung it in his hands and he clamped down on his subvocals. The moment he released his subvocals the game would be up.

Tali would know for sure that the sounds coming from him – anger, confusion, concern…. love- were all directed at Shepard and he wasn't ready to face these emotions again himself, never mind making Tali aware of them. His almost-but-not-quite relationship with Tali had fizzled out awkwardly, whereas before they spent most of their free time together, now he locked himself away in the battery, calibrating that damn gun within an inch of his life for hours on end until he was so exhausted by all the work, that he actually fell asleep without dreaming about his commander.

Tali had tried to approach him on several occasions, to coax him into having dinner and one night she had actively tried to kiss him the Turian way and he had pretended that he had something stuck in his throat when he had promptly moved away from her. She had stopped coming round to his room and he had ceased going to hers. Spirits but this was awkward. He ran his eyes over Shepard's body again, assessing her injuries, the close calls that he could see from every dent in her armour, the scuff marks, the ragged look of defeat on her face. He clenched his hands tighter over his helmet and when Joker announced that they need to brace themselves for boarding, he stood up to cling to the support bars hanging from the ceiling.

His mandibles fluttered in agitation against his face and his eyes would have burned a hole in the back of his commanders head if he had been given that ability. He absentmindedly acknowledged that Tali had come to stand beside him and he jumped in surprise when she laced her fingers through his own. He looked down at their joined hands and he fought the swell of unease that washed over him. It wasn't right. It didn't fit… which was ridiculous because they both had the same amount of digits on their hands… why didn't they fit? Why didn't it feel good?

He looked down to Tali who had also looked up to him to gage his reaction and he quickly looked away only to lock eyes with Shepard who had coincedintally turned around at that exact moment. He saw the sudden anger in her eyes, the pain that swirled through them and then once again the resignation that settled there before she turned back to the hatch again. The shuttle docked without incident and Shepard practically flew off the thing in her haste to get away from them. He stepped off the shuttle, his blood thumping in his ears, his gut twisting nervously and he felt like he had just been caught cheating. Tali let go of his hand and he took a step forward to follow after his commander when his almost-but-not-quite girlfriend, encircled his armoured arm with both of her tiny hands and he came to a stop.

''This isn't working is it Garrus?'' she said sadly, her filtered voice somehow adding to the sadness of it all.

''Tali…'' he purred softly and he covered her hand with his own, briefly squeezing before dropping it to his side.

''I always knew you loved her… that will never change will it?'' she asked again and he had the decency to be honest by shaking his head in agreement.

''I never meant to hurt you.'' He said and he heard her give a muffled sob behind her purple mask.

For Turians who had no tear ducts, the ability to cry was both highly distressing and equally fascinating to him. Either way it didn't sit right with him that he had made two of the most important people in his life cry because of his indecisivenss. He stood there for a moment longer, not sure what to say to her when he suddenly realised that there was nothing he could say to her except to say that he was sorry again. He cleared his throat and he walked away, doing his best to ignore the soft moans of pain coming from his friend. He hadn't realised that she was this serious about him and once again his anger flared at the mess he had gotten himself into.

He stomped to the elevator and instructed EDI to take him to medbay to see Shepard when Edi informed him that his commander was not in medbay but in her quarters. He hissed at the stupidity of his commander, as he had seen her get shot, granted it was a through-and-through shot, but she would still need medical attention either way. Obviously that was just one more thing he was going to have to get into a fight with her over. The lift carried him up to her quarters and by that time his muscles had tensed, his eyes had remained narrowed and a small measure of madness had seeped into his brain as he recalled the amount of times she needlessly put herself at risk today.

He saw that her door was locked and disregarding all rules on privacy, he hacked her door with blinding speed. The light turned green and he stepped through into her sanctuary. He noticed that the lights were dimmed, the blue of the fish tanks lights beamed over the bed while the reds and yellows from the retrofits lights carpeted the floor. Her books, datapads and documents were haphazardly spead throughout her room in various piles of importance and her armour had surprsisingly been stacked up neatly against the foot of the bed. He had never dared to venture into her quarters, never having had a good enough reason or excuse and he breathed in deeply as her, his commanders smell, drifted around the room.

Becoming aware that he had stopped just outside the doors when he had stepped through, he turned at the sound of running water being switched off and she walked out with a towel over her head and one wrapped around her body. He swallowed as he took a step forward and cleared his throat. She squeaked in fright and the towel that she had been using to dry her hair dropped to the floor in a crumpled, wet mess.

''Get out Vakarian. You have no business being in these quarters when your commanding officer is virtually naked.'' She growled and something inside him stirred at her aggressiveness, the way her eyes narrowed to match his own, her cheeks and upper body flushing red from whatever emotion was coursing through her and how she took a step back and folded her arms.

He stepped closer.

''You are my business Shepard.'' He said and she snorted in her disbelief. Now that pissed him off.

He took the remaining three steps from her in huge strides until he was standing directly in front of her, her neck craning up to look at him and she huffed.

''If this is about the other night in your room, I told you to forget about it. It's done…It's over and it wont happen again.'' She muttered and she turned around to walk to her closet.

''You see Shepard… heres the thing I don't get. How you could possibly think I could forget about it?'' he snarled and he followed behind her.

''You have the audacity, the – the nerve, to come to me after all these years and tell me that you love me… when you know, Spirits you know about me and Tali.'' He said and he watched her shoulders droop a fraction.

''You have the nerve to come into my room, in the dead of night and practically assault me with your own body and then go on to say that I should forget about it?'' he took another step and she placed her hand on the fish tank.

''I didn't mean to Garrus.'' She whispered and his heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name once again on her lips.

''You have the gall to tell me all that and then leave…'' he said now whispering into her hair as he bent down to place his body against hers, her back to his chest, their breathing erratic. He lifted a hand to faintly scratch his talons down her arms, from the tops of her shoulders down to her hands and she shivered.

He marvelled at her smooth skin, the warmth beneath his hands, how he could feel her pulse beneath the callouses on his fingers. He turned her around and he pressed her back into the wall.

''Garrus, why are you doing this? What about T-Tali?'' she stuttered as he bent his head to place their foreheads together.

His subvocals hummed in delight at the 'right-ness' of it all, how her five fingered hands intertwined with his three, the pressure he felt her returning against his forehead ever so slightly and he purred deep down in his throat and again watched her shiver.

''I have loved you, you reckless, infuriating human since the first time I saw you as well.'' He said and a small moan escaped her and he sighed as her commanders façade dropped away completely. The raw emotion in her eyes nearly made him come undone and he cursed the armour he was wearing as the urge to envelop her in his arms overwhelmed him.

''Shepard, please… please, stop trying to die out there. I need you Shepard. You do not understand how my heart stops everytime you put yourself in danger, how I feel like I could massacre everything in my path every time I see you get injured. I can't… I don't want to live without you Shepard. The galaxy would be an awfully emptier place without you in it Shepard.'' he said.

He felt her hand come up to caress his face, her finger tracing the scarred and tattered plates which still held faint lines of his colony markings. He breathed in her scent as she gripped the back of his head and pulled him down to her height. His eyes widened in shock as she kissed him on the mouth, her soft, moist tongue dragging over his mouth plates and he closed his eyes in bliss as his tongue joined hers. He pulled himself away from her sweetness and held her as close as he could without hurting her in his armour and she looked up at him with a serious expression on her face.

He stopped breathing entirely with her next words and they would be with him till the end of his days.

''I would let all the galaxies in the universe burn for you Garrus.''

Spirits, how he loved her. His human. His commander.

His mate.