Hi, people. This is weird. I wanted to write a sexual fanfiction about the episode 'Steven and the Stevens', but even finding that cartoon child awfully cute, now I'm unable to imagine him in any kind of sexual relationship. The same goes for Greg.

I mean, look at them, you couldn't even tell if they had a penis. Now I'm confused, I really want to write it.

Fuck, you know what? Yesternight, at 5 a.m., the idea popped in my mind, and I thought it was great. I still do, but I haven't slept in three days, so I'm gonna do something else: I'm gonna write an alternative shit I thought about, and...

NO, WAIT, IT'S COMING BACK. FUCK IT, IMMA WRITE IT.

After coming back from the mission in the Sea Shrine, Steven hurried to rehearse with his dad for that night's show. Finding him unable to, the wish of going back in time and telling him about the problem that Onion's father's boat would suppose was granted, thanks to the "adorbable" little sand clock which turned out to be the legendary Glass of Time.

This time, the car wash didn't set on fire as the fisherman made use of the hand brake of his pickup truck. That was nice.

But Steven couldn't rehearse with his father just yet, because the non-human language speaker apparently started complaining about something that almost sounded like racism. Well, he'd go back home and... wait, he just saw himself.

Steven on a scooter stopped and looked at the Steven that was staring at him. He dropped his vehicle and walked towards himself, "...". He didn't know what to say.

The future Steven knew what was going on, and just took the Glass of Time out of his pocket and showed it to the Steven of that timeline, "This thing brought me from the future. Dad can't rehearse now. Wanna go grab a doughnut?", said in a casual tone.

Present Steven assimilated that information and nodded displaying a blank expression.

They dropped by the Big Donut, bought sweet treats for both of them, and went back to their home. "So... what are you doing here?", asked the Steven that actually belonged to that timeline, sitting on the couch and biting his high-calorie piece of pastry.

"Well... saving the world?", answered doubtful the future kid while doing the same.

"Oh, that's so me!", laughed the present one. After a few seconds, he spoke again, "Do you mind if I call you "Two"? Seeing myself is weird enough, and it's gonna be a pain for the narrator to specify which one of us is doing something at a time".

"No, no, it's okay. This is your timeline after all", replied Two amicably.

They finished their food and stayed quiet for a couple of awkward minutes. They didn't know, but they were thinking about doing the same. The only thing that kept them from pronouncing what they wanted was the feeling of nervousness which started to tickle the inside of their tummies. Anyway, the desire was stronger.

"So...", started unsure the present Steven, looking at his feet all the while, "do you wanna-", but was interrupted...

"YEAH, TOTALLY!", by himself.

"Do you know what I was-".

"YEAH, LET'S DO IT!".

Again.

"ARE YOU SURE? I'M TALKING ABOUT-".

"SHUT UP AND FUCK ME!".

Both Stevens looked into each other eyes, not knowing exactly what to do, before the youngest one spoke up, "How do we...? Where...?".

Two thought for a few seconds before looking at the temple's door, "Mom's room?" We'll be alone there", answered.

"Sounds good to me".

They stood up and went straight to it, which opened after rubbing their bellies against it.

Once they were in the cloudy environment, both said "I wish a giant bed!" at the same time. A king-size x3 mattress appeared before them.

Two kissed sweetly present Steven on his right cheek and grabbed his hand, making him blush. "Don't be shy. I'm you!", articulated trying to sound confident, but really wanting to have some fun.

(OKAY, NOW USE YOUR IMAGINATION. I WAS PLANNING ON WRITING VARIOUS SWEET, INNOCENT AND SLOPPY SEX SCENES, BUT MAYBE YOU LIKE SOME KINKY SHIT, OR MAYBE YOU WANT TO ADD DRUGS, ANAL MUTILATION, RAPE AND EVEN SOME GREG-STEVEN INCEST [I'm not against it, I like EVERYTHING, but writing all the possible outcomes of a sex scene would make me die of old age], SO NOW, DO AS I WRITE: LEAVE THE DEVICE YOU'RE READING THIS ON, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND IMAGINE THE PERFECT SEX SCENE. AND, AS THEY ALREADY ARE AT ROSE'S ROOM, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. AND TIME TRAVEL IS REAL. OPPORTUNITIES ARE LIMITLESS. GO AHEAD, I KNOW YOU CAN. GET HORNY WITH YOUR OWN MIND. MASTURBATE TO YOUR THOUGHTS. BE AS DETAILED AS YOU WANT. MAKE THEIR DICKS AS BIG AS YOU WANT. MAKE THEM CUM AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. YOU FUCKING DECIDE! DO IT!).

And now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna lie on the floor while I think about why I wrote this, and then I'll self-flagellate because of the guilt that my laziness causes me. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

And very lonely.

Please, love me.

I'm crying.

Now I'm adding words because maybe it will make this piece of unholy shit more appealing for you to read it. Ignore this:

"Rap God"

[Intro:]
Look, I was gonna go easy on you not to hurt your feelings
But I'm only going to get this one chance
(Six minutes, six minutes)
Something's wrong, I can feel it
(Six minutes, six minutes, Slim Shady, you're on)
Just a feeling I've got
Like something's about to happen
But I don't know what
If that means, what I think it means, we're in trouble
Big trouble. And if he is as bananas as you say
I'm not taking any chances
You were just what the doctor ordered

[Chorus:]
I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod
Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box?
They said I rap like a robot, so call me rap-bot

[Verse 1:]
But for me to rap like a computer must be in my genes
I got a laptop in my back pocket
My pen'll go off when I half-cock it
Got a fat knot from that rap profit
Made a living and a killing off it
Ever since Bill Clinton was still in office
With Monica Lewinski feeling on his nutsack
I'm an MC still as honest
But as rude and as indecent as all hell
Syllables, skill-a-holic (Kill 'em all with)
This flippity, dippity-hippity hip-hop
You don't really wanna get into a pissing match
With this rappity-rap
Packing a mack in the back of the Ac
backpack rap, crap, yap-yap, yackety-yack
and at the exact same time
I attempt these lyrical acrobat stunts while I'm practicing that
I'll still be able to break a motherfuckin' table
Over the back of a couple of faggots and crack it in half
Only realized it was ironic
I was signed to Aftermath after the fact
How could I not blow? All I do is drop "F" bombs
Feel my wrath of attack
Rappers are having a rough time period
Here's a Maxi-Pad
It's actually disastrously bad
For the wack while I'm masterfully constructing this masterpiece yeah

[Chorus:]
'Cause I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod
Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box?
Let me show you maintaining this shit ain't that hard, that hard

[Verse 2:]
Everybody want the key and the secret to rap
Immortality like I have got
Well, to be truthful the blueprint's
Simply rage and youthful exuberance
Everybody loves to root for a nuisance
Hit the earth like an asteroid
and did nothing but shoot for the moon since (PPEEYOOM)
MC's get taken to school with this music
'Cause I use it as a vehicle to 'bus the rhyme'
Now I lead a New School full of students
Me? Me, I'm a product of Rakim
Lakim Shabazz, 2Pac, N-W-A., Cube, hey, Doc, Ren
Yella, Eazy, thank you, they got Slim
Inspired enough to one day grow up
Blow up and being in a position
To meet Run-D.M.C. and induct them
Into the motherfuckin' Rock n'
Roll Hall of Fame even though I walk in the church
And burst in a ball of flames
Only Hall of Fame I'll be inducted in is the alcohol of fame
On the wall of shame
You fags think it's all a game
'Til I walk a flock of flames
Off a plank and
Tell me what in the fuck are you thinking?
Little gay looking boy
So gay I can barely say it with a 'straight' face looking boy
You're witnessing a mass-occur like you're watching a church gathering
And take place looking boy
Oy vey, that boy's gay
That's all they say looking boy
You get a thumbs up, pat on the back
And a "way to go" from your label every day looking boy
Hey, looking boy, what d'you say looking boy?
I get a "hell yeah" from Dre looking boy
I'mma work for everything I have
Never asked nobody for shit
Git out my face looking boy
Basically boy you're never gonna be capable
of keeping up with the same pace looking boy, 'cause

[Chorus:]
I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod
The way I'm racing around the track, call me Nascar, Nascar
Dale Earnhardt of the trailer park, the White Trash God
Kneel before General Zod this planet's Krypton, no Asgard, Asgard

[Verse 3:]
So you'll be Thor and I'll be Odin
You rodent, I'm omnipotent
Let off then I'm reloading
Immediately with these bombs I'm totin'
And I should not be woken
I'm the walking dead
But I'm just a talking head, a zombie floating
But I got your mom deep throating
I'm out my Ramen Noodle
We have nothing in common, poodle
I'm a Doberman, pinch yourself
In the arm and pay homage, pupil
It's me
My honesty's brutal
But it's honestly futile if I don't utilize
What I do though for good
At least once in a while so I wanna make sure
Somewhere in this chicken scratch I scribble and doodle
Enough rhymes to
Maybe try to help get some people through tough times
But I gotta keep a few punchlines
Just in case 'cause even you unsigned
Rappers are hungry looking at me like it's lunchtime
I know there was a time where once I
Was king of the underground
But I still rap like I'm on my Pharoahe Monch grind
So I crunch rhymes
But sometimes when you combine
Appeal with the skin color of mine
You get too big and here they come trying to
Censor you like that one line I said
On "I'm Back" from the Mathers LP
One when I tried to say I'll take seven kids from Columbine
Put 'em all in a line
Add an AK-47, a revolver and a nine
See if I get away with it now
That I ain't as big as I was, but I'm
Morphin' into an immortal coming through the portal
You're stuck in a time warp from two thousand four though
And I don't know what the fuck that you rhyme for
You're pointless as Rapunzel
With fucking cornrows
You write normal, fuck being normal
And I just bought a new ray gun from the future
Just to come and shoot ya
Like when Fabulous made Ray J mad
'Cause Fab said he looked like a fag
At Mayweather's pad singin' to a man
While he play piano
Man, oh man, that was the 24/7 special
On the cable channel
So Ray J went straight to radio station the very next day
"Hey, Fab, I'mma kill you"
Lyrics coming at you at supersonic speed, (JJ Fad)
Uh, summa lumma dooma lumma you assuming I'm a human
What I gotta do to get it through to you I'm superhuman
Innovative and I'm made of rubber, so that anything you say is
Ricochet in off a me and it'll glue to you
And I'm devastating more than ever demonstrating
How to give a motherfuckin' audience a feeling like it's levitating
Never fading, and I know that haters are forever waiting
For the day that they can say I fell off, they'll be celebrating
'Cause I know the way to get 'em motivated
I make elevating music
You make elevator music
"Oh, he's too mainstream."
Well, that's what they do
When they get jealous, they confuse it
"It's not hip hop, it's pop."
'Cause I found a hella way to fuse it
With rock, shock rap with Doc
Throw on "Lose Yourself" and make 'em lose it
I don't know how to make songs like that
I don't know what words to use
Let me know when it occurs to you
While I'm ripping any one of these verses that versus you
It's curtains, I'm inadvertently hurtin' you
How many verses I gotta murder to
Prove that if you were half as nice,
your songs you could sacrifice virgins to
Unghh, school flunky, pill junky
But look at the accolades these skills brung me
Full of myself, but still hungry
I bully myself 'cause I make me do what I put my mind to
When I'm a million leagues above you
Ill when I speak in tongues
But it's still tongue-and-cheek, fuck you
I'm drunk so Satan take the fucking wheel
I'm asleep in the front seat
Bumping Heavy D and the Boys
"Still chunky, but funky"
But in my head there's something
I can feel tugging and struggling
Angels fight with devils and
Here's what they want from me
They're asking me to eliminate some of the women hate
But if you take into consideration the bitter hatred I had
Then you may be a little patient and more sympathetic to the situation
And understand the discrimination
But fuck it
Life's handing you lemons
Make lemonade then
But if I can't batter the women
How the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?
Don't mistake him for Satan
It's a fatal mistake if you think I need to be overseas
And take a vacation to trip a broad
And make her fall on her face and
Don't be a retard, be a king?
Think not
Why be a king when you can be a God?

I'm very sorry.