Ever since we left New York City, nothing had been the same for me.
Everyone else had seemed to be fine and move on from what happened, while I was stuck in the past. I was stuck in the hell of remembering. And feeling.
Nightmares kept me awake at night. Physical injuries I had sustained prevented me from training. My confidence was slipping with every passing day.
It all pointed me to one conclusion: I had failed.
I was a failure.
I knew everyone had started to realize it. That was why they all treated me with way too much sensitivity. That was why they all went easy on me in any and every training attempt.
That was why they dragged me out here, in the middle of the night, sitting around this campfire looking uncomfortable and too awkward to speak to me.
I knew they were going to tell me I had let them all down, that it was all my fault.
And that I wasn't good enough.

********* This story is based on the healing process of Leo after the season two finale. It takes place post-In Dreams, Pre-Vision Quest.

Leonardo's P.O.V.

***
'Keep going, Leo,' I mentally scolded myself with every sharp breath I sucked in.
My body ached and protested as I continued my mad assault on the endless Footbots coming after me. My knuckles were screaming from gripping my katanas too tightly. My lungs burned with the need for air, for me to stop and breathe. My feet throbbed with every step I made.
And my ears were sick of hearing my tPhone ring.
I knew Mikey was trying to call me, had been trying to call me, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to answer him. But I couldn't. I had to keep pushing. I had to keep fighting my way, Footbot by Footbot to get to Shredder, who was a few yards away watching me.
There was a part of me that told me to give up. My body was pushed so far past its limits. I knew it was. I could feel every muscle within me begging for me to stop; that the pain and the exhaustion wasn't worth this. That it was pointless and I knew I was fighting a war there was no way I could win. But every time I would look up and see Shredder, my brain would flood with memories.
Little glimpses of the past, of everything that man had ever done to me and those I had loved: he'd killed Master Splinter's wife, and stolen his daughter away, raising her as his own. He lied to said daughter for her whole life, raising her to hate her real father, and then mutated her. He'd hurt my brothers countless times in battles before this day had come, and sent villain after villain after us. He'd personally handed over April to the Kraang not caring what happened to her, or the entire world for the matter. He'd sent assassins after Casey, just trying to get rid of him because he was associated with us. Any person who had a connection with us in any way, Shredder tried to make suffer.
That fact alone was what made me ignore all the pain I was feeling, and keep pushing to get to him.
I decided early on in the fight that I wouldn't call my brothers, my friends or my father, because I couldn't let them be hurt anymore. I was going to end this, for all of them.
So I kept slashing away at all of those Footbots, inching closer and closer to Shredder.
I was completely out of breathe by the time I cleared the distance. Somewhere along the way, I had lost one of my swords in one of the Footbots. My only weapon against my greatest adversary was one katana.
Well...this would go well.
But I felt confident in myself. I had just taken out dozens upon dozens of Footbots on my own. And there were so many reasons I had to win this fight. My family and friends were all powering me, and I felt unstoppable.
"Ready to face me now that I've taken down all your robots?" I glared and him and raised my sword above my head.
I tried my best to hide the fact that I was so overwhelmed. While I felt good about the fact that I had taken down a Foot army, literally by myself, I didn't know how much further this adrenaline rush would carry me. I just hoped it would keep me going through this final fight. And then I cold be done. We could all be done.
"You are a fool," Shredder mocked me, simultaneously raising his gauntlets. "You are young, overconfident. But most of all, you are and always will be beneath me, turtle. You think you stand a chance against me?"
I tightened my grip on my blade, trying desperately to regulate my breathing before I lunged at him. I could already feel my body starting to lose the energy I was running on.
"I know I do," I shouted as our blades collided.
I pushed my sword agains his gauntlet with everything I had left. Our blades shook slightly with the even amount of force on both sides.
But quickly, I was being pushed back, unable to match Shredder's strength. His gauntlet was mere centimeters away from my face.
"You are pathetic," he spit down to me. "You're a weak, vile freak just like your so called father, and you shall all perish this day. You shall all perish at my hands."
With that, he swept his leg against my own, tripping me and knocking my sword, my only defense, out of my hand. He kicked it away before I could grab it back, and shoved his foot down onto my chest, nailing me to the ground.
I tried to push him off. I shoved against his foot with both of my hands, all of my strength. But there was none left.
I was exhausted, I was depleted. I was down. And I couldn't keep going, no matter how badly I wanted to. How badly I needed to.
"And now, Leonardo," Shredder looked down at me. "You will know what it is like to truly suffer, because when you die, nothing stands between me and your family."
I kept trying to push him off. I kept trying to get free. I kept trying to reach for my sword. Anything. Anything that could save me. Anything that could save my family. But there was no escape.
I heard my tPhone start ringing again as I looked up to Shredder's moving arm. He raised his gauntlet above his head, and swung it down at me.
***

"NO!"
I shot up, heavily breathing and drenched in sweat. My eyes were everywhere, inspecting every inch of my body and searching for injuries. There were a few scars, but nothing more. And the stillness of the room made me nervous.
April's farm house, I'm in April's farm house.
Shredder's not here. The Kraang don't know where we are. My family is safe.
I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.
The first thing I did was look over to the other side of the room, where Mikey's bed was. I was worried that I'd woken him up with my night terror...again. This had become a cycle, and at this point I'd accidentally freaked out Mikey more times than I could count.
He wasn't in his bed, though. Probably downstairs watching Crognard again.
Mikey had been sleeping in this room with me ever since I'd woken up from my coma. He begged me to share the room with him the first night I'd slept in here. When I asked him why, he said he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to be alone. I didn't really believe that seeing as he'd been dealing with the dark for over three months prior to me getting here.
...Over three months.
It'd been over three three months, and I was still suffering these crazy nightmares because of my failures back in the city. Over three months since I had let everyone down and couldn't save my father and let the Kraang and the Foot take over everything and-
Stop.
The alarm clock placed next to my bed told me it was 3:37 in the morning. Great.
I swung my legs around to the side of the bed so I could get up. I needed some water, I needed to move around, I needed to get away from these thoughts. I just needed to get up and get some air and I'd be ok-
Pain.
Pain shot up my leg and radiated through the rest of my body. Instantly I fell back onto the bed, removing the pressure I had placed on my leg. But the pain persisted. It throbbed as it always had when I would put pressure on my leg. I grabbed a pillow behind me and bit down on it as hard as I could to muffle my scream.
It wasn't so much a scream of pain as it was a scream of frustration.
I reached over and grabbed the crutch I had been given.
My leg continued to throb and I wanted to scream so much louder than I had. I was so sick of this pain, I was so sick of being useless. I was so frustrated every day, watching my brothers and friends train effortlessly, all getting better. If I tried almost anything, I'd be down on the ground, the pain in my leg stopping me. It was maddening. It was not me.
I was not me. Not anymore.
I needed to go outside. I needed to breathe some fresh air, look at the stars, feel the cold on my skin. Anything that could distract me from the pain.
My katanas were stashed right by the door. I strapped them to my back in my regular fashion and gently opened the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. April's old farmhouse had a lot of creaks and moans sealed in its old wooden boards. Any slight step had the potential to wake the entire house, and raise so many questions I'd been avoiding ever since I woke up here.

***
I don't remember much other than the feeling of drifting.
After Shredder had struck me, all the pain went away, and I was grateful. I had been hurting so much for what felt like so long, so it was nice to not have to feel that anymore. Even if it meant I was dead, I was so grateful.
There I was, drifting in this dark world. There was nothing and no one around me. Just a sea of black, an endless ocean of nothingness. I couldn't move or steer where I was going, either. I didn't know if this was what life after death was, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. So I just drifted, and floated along forever with my thoughts.
I often thought of my family. If they were okay, if they had made it out of the city, where they were now. If they ever thought about me. I never saw them in that place with me, though, so I assumed they were okay. And they could be, they didn't need me anyway. I had failed not only them, not only the entire city, but the entire world. I hadn't been strong enough to stop Shredder, and the world was going to suffer because of my insignificance.
It was hell at one point, just being there alone in the dark. Not able to move, not able to feel, just able to think. Just able to torture myself with the thoughts and the memories of my defeat.
It wasn't pleasant, in any sense of the word.
I had lost track of time in that world, too. That was why I didn't remember how long I had been there when the real world broke back through to me for the first time.
I was drifiting along like normal, thinking of how badly I had messed up, when I heard something. It was Mikey's voice. I had recognized it almost instantly. And while I couldn't completely understand him at first, I knew it was him.
At first I was panicking, because I didn't want to see any of them in this place with me. Wouldn't that have meant they were dead, too? Please, no. I couldn't handle that.
But I never saw my youngest brother. I only heard him.
"Leo?" His voice called to me.
I couldn't respond. I could only listen.
"C'mon, it's been so long," he whined. "Please come back, please? No more pranks, I promise. Please come back."
My heart broke, because I couldn't go back to him. To any of them. And I knew with all my heart I wanted to. I just couldn't. I was gone. And the strangest part was that I felt so connected to him, to his voice. He sounded so close to me, like he was there. Like he was right by my side. But he wasn't.
After a long pause and a few sniffles, he began to speak to me again.
"I remember that one time we were playing down in the dojo..."
And it became a cycle from then on. I would drift and one by one, the people I loved would come in and share stories with me. From then on, I had found that remembering happier times sort of helped me cope with the pain, the isolation. I missed my family and my friends so much, and I looked so forward to the times they would come to me. Randomly, but frequently. And though it was hard to hear them all cry, it made me happy I could at least feel like they were with me. It made drifting so much easier.
I remember the day I heard Raph's voice for the first time. It was the day I woke up. It was the day Raph brought me back.
The first thing I heard was a heavy sigh. I would have grinned if I could have...typical Raph.
But all traces of that happiness vanished when he opened his mouth to speak.
"Enough, Leo," he barked angrily. "It's just...it's enough. I'm sick of this."
There was so much in his voice. So much pain, exhaustion, grief. So much. Too much. He was holding too much pain. I knew my brother well enough to pick up on the things he felt the way he spoke.
I could tell he felt complete devastation with the way he spoke now.
"I'm sick of you not being here," he said. "Well, you're here...but you're not. It's driving me crazy. We've already lost so much...I've already lost so much. And I can't handle the losses anymore. I can't lose you too. I can't."
My heart and soul and everything began to hurt, to ache. Like a dull throbbing that had been there for so long. It was the first thing I had felt in months, and I didn't like it. I didn't like being there, feeling all of this pain, and hearing about Raph's pain.
"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COME BACK?!" he screamed, breaking me down further. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY WE NEED YOU HERE?! DON'T MAKE US LOSE YOU TOO."
That was when the second strangest thing happened; I could feel something shaking me. I could feel pressure on my chest that was moving me around. The first motion I had felt in I don't even know how long. It further agitated the stiffness of my body. I knew I hadn't moved in so long, and my soreness protested the motions.
I was actually able to voice my discomfort.
I moaned. Soft and barely audible, as my throat was so constricted from being closed for too long, but I did it. I had to. I wanted all the pain to stop, both my own and Raph's.
Everything froze again. Everything went back to stillness. There was no noise, and I was alarmed. Was I gone again? I had just gotten some feeling back. Did I lose it again? No! I didn't want to! I mean, I wanted the pain to stop, but I didn't want everything to go away! I was adjusting to where I had been, I didn't want to go back to all the nothingness!
"Leo...?" I heard Raph barely whisper next to me.
He was still there, and more than ever, I wanted to reach out to him. So I did.
I used everything I had, and I opened my eyes for the first time in forever.
The white that flooded in and overtook the darkness was just as terrifying at first, but slowly my eyes adjusted. Slowly the light faded, and shapes around me began to take form. Things began to register as I returned to the world of the living.
The first thing I saw was my own body, resting in a small pool of water.
A bathtub? I was in a bathroom? My body slowly began to regain the rest of its senses as I noticed the water was warm, keeping me warm for however long I had been in here
The second thing I noticed was the fading marks all over me. Old bruises and scars dotted all over my exposed skin, and I knew where they were from. I just didn't give myself the time to reflect on it.
With so much effort, I lifted my head and looked all around me. This small, unfamiliar bathroom was completely foreign. I had no idea where I was, and if I had the strength, I would have gotten up and investigated. But moving my head took more effort than I had, so I just settled for looking around.
And that was when I saw Raph, sitting there right next to me with wide, tear-filled eyes.
I could tell this was real; I was here. No more drifting, no more aloneness, no more nothing. I was home. I knew this wasn't my real home, but my brother was here, and that was all the home I needed.
"Hey," I tried to say, but my voice came out in a deeper, scratched up pitch.
I could feel my eyes go wide. Was that me...?
Raph didn't seem deterred at all. He immediately hugged me. Right there in that bathtub, at the most uncomfortable and awkward angle in the world, he hugged me.
And there was no more speaking, no more voice. Just pure, physical contact. I had missed it so much.
But as the seconds drifted by, the soreness took over, and I had to groan again, unable to take the pain.
Raph immediately released me, understanding. But there was a light in his eyes, one I hadn't seen in so long. And he just smiled so wide, it made me smile too, despite the discomfort.
I wanted to see everyone else, too. I wanted to see them all, and Raph understood.
"Guys!" he called out. "Guys, get up here!"
I rested my head on the back of the porcelain base of the tub and just waited for everyone to get here, while also inspecting Raph's body, making sure he was okay. He seemed fine, and relief washed over me.
"I'm fine, Fearless," he said. "We're all fine."
I let out a content sigh as I heard the sound of rushing footsteps making their way up the stairs.
And for that moment, I was happy. I was happier than I'd ever been. I didn't think anything else could go wrong from that point on.
I didn't realize how much hell the next few months would be for me.
***

I felt like a literal turtle every night when I made the long trek down the stairs. I had to move so slowly. But at least I had learned where to and where not to step.
The following months after me waking up were composed of discovering how weak I had become, how broken my body was, and how impossible recovery seemed. All of those things, combined with my family asking me questions, all of which I just flat out avoided. I didn't want to talk about my failures, and eventually they stopped asking. They just watched as I struggled to function day in and day out. My injuries prevented me from doing so many things.
I noticed the soft glow of the TV about half way down the stairs. Damn it, i was right. Mikey was still up.
Ninja mode, ninja mode, ninja mode...
I crept as silently down the rest of the stairs as I could. By the second to last step, I miscalculated my foot placement, and a load creaking noise filled the air. It was like it was amplified, the entire house must have heard it. Every cell in my body froze as I waited to get caught sneaking out...again.
But seconds of stillness flew by and no one came out or found me. So I et out a breath and crept to the doorway of the living room.
I peaked my head in and my heart almost stopped again as I noticed, everyone was in there. Donnie, Casey, Mikey, Raph, Mikey and April were all there, watching some movie I didn't bother to identify. I gulped, knowing I was going to be caught, and not wanting the lecture they'd undoubtedly give me.
But that was when I noticed the rhythm of Mikey's breathing. Of all of them. They were all asleep.
That was my chance, my one and only saving grace. I quickly rushed out the front door as silently as possible, careful not to wake anyone up. It was almost four in the morning, after all, and I just couldn't explain to them why night after night, I had to get out of that house and breathe.
The night air chilled me as I hobbled on my crutch down my familiar path into the woods, not looking back at the house. I wasn't afraid of the forest; after our encounter with the Creep, nothing out here really scared me.
Nothing but how much less of myself I had become. Or maybe how much of myself I thought I lost.
Was I ever even as good as I liked to believe? My brain flashed through the memories, the missions of our past years. Ever since Sensei let us up to the surface, I mentally tallied all the times I had let everyone down. The total just kept climbing, and the mistakes kept getting worse and worse.
Little things like letting Spider Bytez win and almost dump us into vats of mutagen, to letting Karai fall into a vat of mutagen. The screw ups kept piling on and on.
And so did my anger.
How could I be such a screw up? How could my brothers have followed me for so long knowing I was this bad? I never realized how horrible a leader I made until this moment. they blindly followed me into battle every single time. They could have been seriously hurt! they could have been killed! All because of me! All because of how horrible I was.
The thoughts and revelations churned a storm inside of me. I hadn't even noticed how far I had walked until I looked around, rage burning a fire inside of me.
I was in a small meadow, surrounded by trees. I knew I had been here before. I had walked these woods for months the same time every night, searching for something I would more than likely never find out here.
I threw the crutch away in disgust, and stretched out my form. I was suddenly so desperate to do something, anything right. Even a simple kata.
So I took a deep breath to try to calm myself, not that it helped. Illuminated only by the moon, I picked a small branch as the target for my aim. And I focused everything I had into jumping and kicking it. But when I sprung off the ground, all of my momentum was halted by the sharp pain that spread rapidly in my leg. My knee bent too late, and I almost fell flat on my face. I fell in a kneeling position, and breathed hard fighting back the pain.
And I screamed. Half in pain, half in anger, I screamed.
I screamed so loud I heard the birds sleeping in the trees around me vacate the trees in shock. I screamed so loud I could hear it echo off the walls of the forest and the mountains around me. I screamed so loud I probably woke everyone within a 10-mile radius. But I couldn't hold it back. It was like trying to stop a tidal wave from flooding over a beach. It couldn't be done, it had to flow.
My frustration had to flow, and very suddenly screaming wasn't enough.
I drew my swords and sliced into the nearest tree. I then yanked the blades free and repeated the process. Madly and blindly slicing at that tree, killing it, like it could take all of this pain and failure away from me. Like it could somehow restore me to who I was, or at least who I thought I was.
I hacked and sliced away as bits of wood splintered past me. I couldn't stop. I had lost my mind to the anger consuming me. Practically all I could see was red.
I did this for minutes on end. I didn't count how long it was before I just collapsed to the ground shaking and sobbing.
I was nothing, I had become nothing. I was worthless and useless and I didn't deserve to wake up. Not when I let my family, Master Splinter, the world all down.
I just lied there and cried, hoping to fade away into nothing.
I failed to notice all the trees around me were cut up the exact same way.

Hello all! I'm so excited to be able to write again!
Lately, after rewatching seasons two and three, I realized how much of Leo's healing process we didn't get to really see, so I'm writing this to explore it a bit more.
As always, you can read this story and more on my All-Things-TMNT tumblr.
Hope you guys like it and please give some feedback! =]