A Strange Problem and a Granger Solution.

I own Harry Potter and make loads of money from the franchise and this fanfiction, I'm also a liar.

Hermione Granger had a problem. It wasn't exactly a secret that she liked to study, that she liked being the cleverest student in Hogwarts. Herein lay her problem, at the end of every school year since she had started learning magic her revision plans had taken some sort of a hit. In First Year she had been dragged off to stop You Know Who taking the philosophers stone and returning to life. In Second Year a practically mythical creature had put her into a coma for weeks of precious study time, yes the exams had been cancelled but that didn't make it any better. Finally in her most recent year, she had been forced to chase a mass murdering illegal animagus through a dangerous magical tree, had nearly been bitten by a werewolf and kissed by dementors (not how she wanted her first kiss to be!) but worst of all she had very nearly been given a Detention over the whole thing!

It was very clear to Hermione where the problem came from. Two idiot boys. Some might say it wasn't really their fault, but it was no coincidence that nothing bad had happened to Hermione before she had met those brazen Gryffindors. This time she promised herself she wouldn't get caught up in their foolhardy 'adventures'.

So what did the Gryffindor Golden Boy go and do? Enter his blo- darned name into the most dangerous tournament a student could possibly get involved in! Of course he would be expecting her help. He thought he was so subtle and clever when he wondered out loud why snape would want to teach them about Werewolves, It took her months of important re-revision time to put Snape's little puzzle together to realise Lupin was a Werewolf, Harry of course would deny manipulating her. AND! He had the gall to lie to her and say he didn't put his name into the Goblet. So he could spin some silly story about somebody putting his name in their to get him killed. Well Hermione had had enough, she wasn't going to be guilt tripped into helping him show off by some bogus story he made up like it was Divination homework.

For once the rest of the school actually realised it too, even Ron! Or that was what she thought, but now the redhead was sat with Harry at breakfast as if nothing had ever happened. How could he be so stupid she wondered. It didn't matter she was better off not having to look after Ron in every lesson. Seriously what were those two going to do without her to copy off of? A small part wondered how they had managed when she had been petrified. She decided she didn't care, last year the exam results had been disturbingly close, some of the Ravenclaws were getting close to her scores and Harry had somehow beaten her in Defence, although the teacher was a friend of his father so it didn't really count. Still it was a stain against her name, this year would be different. Without those two to distract her she would put everyone else to shame.

Ron looked around the Great Hall suddenly feeling a lot more nervous. He'd had a lot of success convincing the Gryffs that they were better off with a champion from there own house, but it seemed the rest of the school had decided to really test Harry's patience. 'Support CEDRIC DIGGORY - the REAL Hogwarts Champion!' he read the words enchanted on the badge of another student, this time a Ravenclaw. He was sure Harry would notice soon. Should he tell Harry before he noticed for himself, maybe ease him into it?

"Err mate…" He started, his mouth deciding to start talking before his brain had figured out what he was going to say, a regular problem he faced. Harry looked up from his food. "Don't get angry but-"

"The badges?" Harry asked laughingly. "Potter Stinks, that's Malfoys work you can by how creative the insult is." Ron breathed a sigh of relief. "You thought I was going to be angry."

"Yeah, I mean I was going to jinx someone when I saw those badges for the first time" It was true, the only thing that stopped him from hexing Ernie was his eyes catching the glint of badges on all the other hufflepuffs around the stuck up little prick. He was a Gryffindor but that didn't stop him from knowing which battles not to pick. He wasn't good at chess for no reason. "We should get him back, Potions next though probably not the best place to hex him six different ways"

Harry laughed out loud. "Snape would be delighted, he'd drag me all the way to the headmaster's office gloating about how I was going to be expelled."

"We should do it just to see his face when he realised you can't be expelled till the tournaments over" Ron joked.

"We should probably get going, being Hogwarts champion won't do anything to stop him giving us detention if we're late"

They made their way out of the great hall joking about how to best piss Malfoy off, he was obviously going to gloat and fair play to him, everyone was wearing the badges. Although not all of them said 'Potter Stinks'.

"Hey Lavender!" Ron called to the notorious gossiping Gryffindor, as he spotted Malfoy and his wobbling muscle head to taunt Harry.

"Hi

Ron" She said - he didn't know how she said it because Ron was a guy and therefore had no understanding of girls. Or so girls said.

"You hear about Malfoy and the Durmstrang boy?" Ron asked trying to wink slyly. Unfortunately half his face moved with the wink and for a split second he looked like an unfortunate stroke victim. But Ron didn't know that.

"Erm No?" She looked pretty. He meant confused. She looked confused, he was being too subtle, wait he Ron Weasley was being too subtle? That didn't sound right.

"You heard from a Slytherin girl didn't you that Malfoy was with a Durmstrang boy. Didn't you Lavender" He said winking and nodding. He'd seen the muggle actors at the pant-a-mind doing that. He was rather impressed with how cunning he was being.

"Are you trying to get me to make up a story about Malfoy, and spread it around to get back at him for those badges?" Lavender asked accusatory, crap he forgot he was a guy he didn't know what that tone meant. Lavender asked blankly, that was better.

"Yeah… don't you think he deserves it?" Ron tried to convince her using some of his advanced debating skills he added "he is a git". That would do the trick.

"Okay Ron I'll do it for you" She emphasized the you, not that Ron would notice since he had the whole Y Chromosome disadvantage. Dratted genetics or was it Jeanetics?

A few seconds ago and a couple of feet away.

Malfoy and his ugly fat friends (what that's what they are, oh wait you're right) - ugly fat hired friends (did the Crabbe, Goyle family run a bizarre escort service Harry wondered, not that he knew what escorts are he was far too young, innocent and noble.) approached him.

The two blobs stayed silent. Surprise. "You like them Potter?" the blonde boy - although he could pass for a girl Harry mused, not a bad looking one as well. Wait that's gross. "And this isn't all they do - look!" He was really proud of himself, maybe Harry should be supportive? Was that the right thing to do, act as the fatherly love the other boy craved? No he was younger than Draco it wouldn't work. The badge pinned to Draco's robes turned green flashing the words 'POTTER STINKS'.

What was the correct way to put Draco down? He could unleash a scathingly sarcastic remark, too easy. Challenge him to an honor duel, but what was the point if he wasn't allowed to kill Draco? Ahh yes the legendary and feared Complisult. The perfect weapon for schoolyards and Nuclear war. Actually just the first. Unless you have nukes in which case they are the perfect weapon for both situations, but alas Harry did not have weapons of mass destruction. Curses.

"That's an impressive bit of charm work malfoy, you must be rich indeed to flippantly waste your money paying someone else to enchant it" Harry fake smiled warmly. Is that possible? well it is now. Draco's normal pale face was tinged pink by his blush. If he was a girl, he'd or should he be saying she'd? Be the sort you got angry just because they were so cute when they were angry. One of the Slytherin girls (also wearing a badge in case you are a bit slow and didn't figure that everyone in Slytherin was wearing a Potter stinks badge) snorted before quickly silencing herself, Daphne Greengrass Harry remembered. He glanced at Tracy Davis and was disappointed (because Harry is a bit slow) to see she was wearing a badge too- wait why would he care he thought - I don't know I thought you li - What she's a Slytherin, shut up me. I was talking to myself again wasn't I? Yes you were - Is that normal? - Sure it is - Cool.

"Think you're funny do you Potter" Draco practically spat, maybe he had watched that friends episode and didn't realise that was a joke. "You won't be laughing when you're dead!"

"What if I become a ghost?" Harry quipped.

Malfoy was spluttering trying to come up with a reply. Mainly because he was a strawman of a school bully who only existed so the main character could overcome him, and therefore was no match for Harry's protagonist powers of conversation. It was time to strike the killing blow (not literally). A deeply developed attack well thought through with plenty of planning.

"You seem awfully upset about me rivalling Cedric Diggory, I hear from the girls he's quite the looker. I guess you would want to defend him"

"What's that meant to mean?" Draco couldn't figure it out because he wasn't actually very cunning or intelligent, almost as if he was sorted in Slytherin so that young readers could easily identify who the 'villains' of the story are.

"I mean he's a good looking guy and pretty good at magic, pureblood too I think. He'd make a good match for you Draco, I'm happy for you."

Yes Ron and Harry's plan devised in under 3 minutes 17 seconds it took to walk from the Great Hall to Potions had been devised like so. "Call him a Gaylord" Ron suggested. "Isn't that Homophobic?" Harry asked worried, he didn't want readers thinking he was not a purely good character who was fourteen and sometimes used insults which perhaps shouldn't be insults at all. "No no it's only makes you a homophobe if you suggest it's a bad thing, if he gets angry then he is the homophobe." Ron explained, Harry figured Ron was knowledgeable on this sort of thing, he was good at chess after all and chess players were notorious for having good social skills.

"How dare you!" Draco screeched not selling his case for being a straight man (if you believed that sexuality could be determined by how you act). "I'm not a poofter."

Lavender approached in perfect timing, this is after all a story and that's how they work. "Draco you must tell me what conditioner you're using on your hair, it looks fabulous" The other Slytherins chose this moment to come back into the scene (they had been renegotiating their contracts to make sure they were played by attractive actors and actresses in the upcoming movies) and laughed at Draco's expense 'these snakes aint loyal' played in Harry's head.

Draco stormed away talking about how his father would make them pay. He didn't storm far even Draco couldn't skip Potions. The rest of the Slytherins departed the entertainment was over . Tracy smiled at Harry as she left, leaving him confused. He would have to talk with Ron about her, he'd know more about girls, he had a sister.

A/n I decided to write this in a rambling sort of semi meta and aware that they are caricatures sort of way, let me know what you think, should I stick with this style or go to a more mundane narrative?
My other story Harry Dursley is not dead just in a coma, I have written most of the next chapter but I'm lazy so if you are awaiting it's arrival I can't say if it will be in a month a year or the year 2138 when my consciousness is uploaded into a supercomputer.

For those who identify with hermione in canon (bookworm introvert etc) I'm not bashing into that sort of person or into Hermione in general just flipping the Ron bashing onto Hermione but she certainly won't be made into a punching bag like some fanfics make bashed characters into.

Reviews/PMs appreciated, I try to respond to all questions even if they are bashing asshats so don't be shy.