It was the day of the big game against the Nerdlurks, and NERV's b-ball team seemed to be ready, but didn't have a good grasp of what they were going up against. After all, the Nerdlurks could pull some kind of plot-twist. Both teams were in NERV's giant basketball stadium that was big enough for Evas to play in.

Misato was giving NERV's basketball team a rundown before the game.

"So, you remember our plan, right?" Misato asked the team she was coaching.

"But how are we going to play basketball when the author doesn't even know how to play basketball?" Shinji asked.

"We have no other choice than to bullshit it. Now are you guys ready?"

Everyone cheered some form of "yes" besides Rei, who just said it emotionlessly.

"Hey wait a second." Hoopz said. "What happened to my mom? She was brought to Tokyo 3 with me, but she disappeared the next day."

"Oh yeah. Well, we every Eva pilot so far has had there mother die after The Second Impact, but you were our first exception, which is why we had to kill your mom and put her soul in Eva Unit 06."

"Oh, okay." Hoopz said casually.

"Wait, what about Eva 05?" Kamina asked.

"You're an exception, because we used the soul of your dad instead of your mom."

Kamina paused for a second. "So you know about my dad?"

"Nope."

"Then how did…"

"Plot-holes. Now just get in the damn robot."

Everyone did as instructed, and got in their respective Evas.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" The announcer, Peter Cullen, shouted. "We are here, with the first ever basketball game in NERV's Tokyo 3 Stadium. The home team is NERV, piloting Evangelion Units 00 through 06!"

The audience shouted as NERV's basketball team ran onto the court.

"Is what its like to be likeable?" Shinji asked as he could hear his rabid fan girls cheering for him.

"If this is what it's like to be likeable, I don't want to be likeable….." Asuka said as she saw the frat middle-aged men cheering for her and the sings they were holding.

"And the visiting team, all the way from Moron Mountain, is The Monstars, piloting Evangelion Units 09 through 13!"

"Wait, WHAT!?" Misato shouted as she saw the Nerdlurks piloting The Mass Produced Evangelions running onto the court.

"And because nobody in this fanfiction knows how to play basketball" Peter Cullen shouted "You'll have to excuse us, as we'll be bullshitting most of this."

…

Meanwhile in SEELE HQ, Gendo was meeting with the members of SEELE.

"Gendo Ikari, are you sure this is another step in Instrumentality?" One of the SEELE members asked Gendo.

"I'm sure. After all, why else do you think I chose the son of Charles Barkley to pilot Eva 06?"

"I thought you said it was for plot-hole purposes."

Gendo tried to make a counter-argument, but realized he had nothing.

…

Back at NERV's Tokyo 3 Stadium, the game was about to begin. Because Blukeirby2 doesn't know how the basketball rules work, The Monstars had the ball. Unit 10 was dribbling it toward NERV's goal, but Kamina tried to block it.

"You think you can make it past the great and mighty Kamina? Just who the hell do you think I am?"

While Kamina was gloating, Unit 10 passed it to Unit 12. However, Rei caught it, and was running towards The Monstars' goal, but was blocked by Unit 09. She then passed it to Hoopz, and he ran toward the goal.

However, Hoopz was blocked by Unit 13 and Unit 11. He saw Shinji, and passed it to him.

Unit 01 was holding the ball, and was unsure what to do.

"Ah! I don't know what to do!" He panicked as The Monstars were running toward him.

"Stupid Shinji!" Asuka yelled. "Don't you remember our training?"

"B…but I mustn't run away!"

"Goddamn it Shinji, the ONE time it's okay for you to run away!"

Out of desperation, he passed it Asuka, but Unit 09 caught it instead, and shot it into NERV's goal.

"Look, before you call me an idiot, it wasn't my fault that time." Shinji said.

Unit 09 was holding the ball, and dribbled it toward NERV's goal again. He tried to pass it, but luckily Shinji caught it, and hesitated to run toward The Monstars' goal.

He made a shot, but missed. Unit 11 grabbed it, and dribbled it toward the opposing team's goal. He tried to pass it, but luckily Hoopz caught it, and made a goal.

"Why can't you be a good baller like Hoopz, Shinji?" Asuka said.

"Gee, I dunno, it's not like my dad isn't Charles Barkley, but instead a terrible father or anything like that."

After a while, it seemed like NERV wasn't doing so well. The score was 2 to 14, and Coach Katsuragi did the thing where the players aren't playing, but instead gathered around the coach where the coach told them something.

"There's nothing we can do to win…" Shinji said hopelessly. Misato tried to give him a pep-talk, but Kamina pushed her out of the way.

"You know kid, you remind me of my bro, Simon. He was like you; piloted a giant robot, was whiney, and had little faith in himself. But despite that, I still had faith in him. I believed in him, something nobody else did. And I taught him to believe in himself. I said 'Don't believe in yourself. Believe in the one that believes in yourself'. But then I said 'Believe in the you that you believe in'. He did that, and you know what? He became a badass like me! So listen to me when I say believe in the Shinji that you believe in!"

Shinji, having never heard anything like that before, had felt like he just had a revelation. "Y..You're right. I need to believe in the me that I believe in! After all, just who the hell do you think I am?"

"That's the spirit Shinji!" Kamina said. "Now let's get back in our Evas and show the Monstars whose boss!"

Everyone got back in their respective Eva while a mashup between Libera Me From Hell and the Space Jam theme started playing.

Shinji dribbled the ball to the opposing goal, and seemed to make a flawless slam dunk. He then had the ball again, but was blocked by Units 09, 10, 11, 12, and 13. He passed it to Hoopz, and Hoopz made a slam dunk.

NERV kept this up, and the score was made even. 16 to 16.

Hoopz was dribbling the ball to the opposing goal, but seemed very determined.

"Hoopz is…." Peter Cullen said. "He's heating up!"

"Oh no….." Misato said.

"HE'S ON FIRE!" Peter Cullen shouted over the intercom. "Errr….I mean, he's going berserk!"

"No….." Misato said frantically. "This can't mean he's going to….!"

Gendo and SEELE were spectating the match. "Everything is going as planned." A SEELE member said.

"HE'S MAKING A CHOAS DUNK!" Peter Cullen said right before Hoopz preformed The Chaos Dunk, and Unit 06 let out a loud roar.

The b-ball was glowing a bright red before being dunked, and suddenly Eva 01 started to float in the air.

"Wait!" Shinji said. "Why is this happening to me!?"

Meanwhile, Bluekirby2, the writer, was writing the story and facepalmed when Shinji pointed that out. "Oh right." He said as he wrote an excuse for that.

Suddenly, Eva Units 09 through 13 started to beat the crap out of Unit 02, nearly killing Asuka.

"ASUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Shinji yelled, causing him to play a key-role in The Third Impact.

Suddenly, Hoopz started growing, and grew big enough to the point that he broke Eva 05. He kept growing to the point that he was visible from space. He grew wings of light, and was cradling a giant basketball.

"Well, were all screwed." Misato said before turning into orange juice.

"My one regret is that I wasn't in a better fanfiction." Kamina said before he had a hallucination of Yoko kissing him, and then became orange juice.

"But I thought I was supposed to the cause of The Third Impa….." Rei didn't finish because she became LCL.

And while everyone became LCL, the Massed Produced Evas somehow had Hoopz's face, and stabbed themselves with the Spear Of Longitus in space.

Of course, Shinji was screaming his lungs out while all this was happening. Suddenly, he saw Hoopz in front of him.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" The Giant Naked Hoopz asked him.

"What?" Shinji said, confused.

"The Third Impact. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Shinji asked bluntly. "I never wanted you to make a Chaos Dunk, killing millions AND starting Third Impact! I just didn't want to play basketball."

Hoopz had a defeated look on his face. "Oh…"

There was a bit off awkward silence between the two for awhile.

"So, can you make The Third Impact fail or something?" Shinji said.

"Oh? Oh yeah, sure." Hoopz said as he was sliced in half, and before he knew it, Shinji was on the beach where the ocean was colored red.

He looked on the ocean, and saw Hoopz standing on the ocean.