CHAPTER 13

"This weather is awful", a moody voice said form one of the living room's windows.

Sheryl looked up from the clothing magazine he had been perusing. The purple curtains were all pulled back and the windows displayed a grey sky and a constant, weak drizzle that maintained the cold climate. Still, that was hardly awful weather. He dismissed his younger brother's words and turned his gaze back to the section that displayed mother and daughter dress sets.

"It's been so boring here. I feel it's been today for a week already."

Usually, Sheryl would have let out a biting remark, about how he could easily point out some work for Tyki to do. Today, however, he didn't want to start a discussion, and tried his best to focus his attention on the green and white dresses displayed by a woman and a child models.

"I wonder when the Earl will give us a new task," continued Tyki, apparently unfazed by his sibling's dismissal.

Then again, Road had been favoring blue, as of late. She and Tricia would look adorable in those dark blue sets.

"...Come to think of it, have you any news of Allen Walker?"

Sheryl let out a long, suffering sigh. "You aren't subtle at all, Tyki," the politician said, abandoning the magazine on the small desk. He would take another look at it when his bothersome sibling wasn't around.

Tyki huffed in annoyance, and abandoned his pretense of boredom. "Well, do you have any news, or not?"

"I do not," said Sheryl truthfully. "I have fished for some information on her, as the Exorcists have requested, but I am not digging too deep. By herself, she is of no interest to us."

Actually, this was the perfect opportunity to eliminate her, Sheryl thought, but he kept these words to himself. The Earl's interest was in organizations and their info, and not on individuals. With Allen Walker having left her group on her own, it would be easy to eliminate her without a trace.

He had no idea about where she was, however, and he wouldn't trouble himself going on an extensive search for her. The girl had likely managed to find death all by herself, what with leaving the city without any provisions or company, and by foot. As soon as he heard the story from Tyki and, later, from the worried exorcists that visited him and asked for the favor of locating her, he already dismissed the white haired accommodator as dead.

These thoughts, he didn't mind voicing to Tyki. As expected, the younger man's dark complexion paled with fury.

How… predictable, thought Sheryl with disdain.

"She isn't dead," Tyki almost growled, before getting a grip on himself and trying, once again, to put up a façade of composure. It was, quite frankly, pathetic. "She was reckless, but she's a strong exorcist. Shouldn't you be looking for her more carefully? You want to stay in this group's good graces, don't you?"

"As of now, yes. But I am doing enough to do so. Even if I never get any results, they cannot blame me for her foolhardiness. Actually, going after someone who has fled their organization out of her own volition is far more than they should expect me to do. Even if I brought her corpse back, they would have to thank me, I am sure."

Tyki had his lips pressed tightly together. When he opened his mouth to say something else, Sheryl held up a hand to silence him. The older Noah left his chair and, as he did so, his eyes turned gold.

It seemed he had to, once again, remind Tyki about who they were.

"Your ridiculous interest in the exorcist has been troubling me from day one, little brother," Sheryl said slowly. "I must admit this tragic fate of hers is a relief to me. If I find out the girl hasn't been killed, then I will do the honours myself. This game you are playing is dangerous, and it can't be allowed to continue."

At the mere mention of the possibility of his murder of Allen Walker, Tyki's whole countenance changed, and he stood in the room in his Noah form. Sheryl refused to do the same and, as he stared at his brother's true form, he had to wonder about how things had devolved so quickly. He knew the man had an inappropriate interest in the enemy, but he thought of it as no more than a fancy - a desire to play with a toy he didn't wish to share. It had annoyed Sheryl, and he had voiced his displeasure many times. To see that his brother might actually be developing a more… permanent fondness towards the girl filled him with both disgust and worry.

What had been going behind the scenes, that he hadn't been able to watch? Should he have locked his brother down, so as to know his every step?

Then again, how could Sheryl, even powerful as he was, trap the Noah of Pleasure, of choice? Nobody but the Earl, and perhaps his Road, could do so… and he very much wished to keep them both out of this matter.

"You utter imbecile," Sheryl whispered with as much venom as he could muster. "If I killed anybody in that ship, you wouldn't bat an eyelash, but you are troubled about that ridiculous girl? How did his happen?"

Tyki looked as if he wanted to reply with the same measure of animosity, but words apparently couldn't leave him. Good. Perhaps he started to finally realise, at least in part, the error in his ways.

"We are the Noah family," he said slowly, as if explaining maths to small child. "The exorcists, despite our charades, are our enemies. You can consort with them, but only in appearance."

"I know…"

"I know you like to have your toys," Sheryl said because, despite his own anger, he wanted to defuse Tyki's ire. It wouldn't do to have a fight here. It wouldn't do to catch anyone's attention. "I've witnessed your anger when I threatened to kill your ridiculous friends, and so I stayed my hand," he said, remembering the homeless humans Tyki enjoyed accompanying so much. "But if you want a female, find a meaningless one, without influent connections, without Innocence. An exorcist is where we should draw the line."

He was pleased to see his brother didn't look as if he was about to start a fight. Sheryl tried to calm himself with the thought.

"Listen. I do not care about what you do with your private life. Actually, I am honestly happy when I know you are enjoying yourself, even if your pastimes are questionable. But when I tell you to keep away from this exorcist, I do it out of worry for you. You don't want to be labeled a traitor."

Tyki's eyes widened at that. "A traitor?" he finally spoke. "Are you out of your mind? That's too much, Sheryl!"

"What do you expect to happen when you actively express an open desire to protect an exorcist? The Akuma in these rooms are mindless servants but, regardless of that, their eyes and ears are always connected to the Earl's. I don't want you to catch his attention, Tyki. Road and I are the ones who communicate with him and, as of now, he's content to see you as someone the two of us direct. If he decides to have direct contact with you, however, I assure you that you will find it much harder to live with the ease you always do!"

It was with satisfaction that Sheryl watched as his words finally reached Tyki, and his sibling finally understood the danger he was in. Good.

"I… understand," Tyki said finally, his voice having some defeat in it. "You are right. I… think I have adopted a her as a new toy. And I was having some fun with her," he continued, as if finally understanding the truth. "I… didn't want her taken from me. Until I was done playing."

"That, I can believe in. You almost murdered me when I said I would kill those ugly mongrels you enjoy mining and drinking with," said the Minister, and though his words were malicious, his voice lacked animosity. No, he wanted to steer Tyki to the right conclusion… and there was only so far he could go through his brother with violence.

"Well, I guess we don't have to worry about it anymore, do we? With her being dead and all."

"Most likely," agreed Sheryl, and though he knew Tyki's nonchalance was faked, it was also an advancement from being unable to tolerate the idea of the girl being gone.

And she was, very likely, dead, so it didn't matter. Any attachment his sibling had developed towards her would eventually die out, and he had already received his warning. He wouldn't slip again, not with an exorcist. All would be well.

"You seem like you are in need of a distraction," Sheryl finally declared, "so do come to work with me. So long as nobody sees you, it will be harmless, and I am tired of having you whining about boredom while I work my butt off."

He turned his back to Tyki, and heard him chuckle at the rare expletive that came from Sheryl's mouth.

It seems things are back to how they should be, thought the Minister with satisfaction.

If he had seen Tyki's expression behind him, however, he would have had very different thoughts.

::::::::::

He never stayed to work with his brother.

He couldn't label what he felt as he calmly left the mansion, dressed in casual clothes and with nothing but a simple backpack filled with basic necessities and a fine amount of money. Even as he took the train to the city in which Rose Cross had been stationed, he couldn't quite define what actually was going through his mind.

Yes, he was looking for Allen Walker, and this was something he couldn't properly explain. But he wished to go after her, had wanted to ever since she had left him in a hurry two weeks ago, and Tyki had always done what he wanted, regardless of consequences, regardless of even knowing why he wanted to do something - because if something brought him pleasure, he would pursue it. It had been his nature even when he had been fully human, and the awakening of his Noah only strengthened this habit of his. He didn't even know what he would do once he found her: there was a limit to the number of times he could randomly appear in her life without causing suspicion.

But as the comfortable ride in the first class compartment of the train went on and he watched the dense forest pass by, he still wondered why he felt the need to find the exorcist. He wasn't in denial, and could easily admit to himself that he had enjoyed her company more than once. But those times had been too few, too far in between. Once when he had been an ordinary human in her eyes, stealing money from people with poker tricks - and back then she, with her short hair and boring clothes, had also looked like an average human - , once when she had greeted his brother together with the other exorcists, another time when he had pretended to save her from an Akuma and one last one in that night when she was emptying everyone's pockets in that bar - a night that had started so well and ended so badly.

He had enjoyed every interaction, in a way. Or at the very least he found some of them interesting - allowing one of the Akuma to actually hurt him had not been enjoyable at all. Still, that couldn't possibly be enough for him to develop the… feelings his idiot brother had mentioned. Even now, without knowing whether she was dead or alive, he didn't feel any dread consuming him, but rather a strong curiosity to know whether he would see her again. And a need to satiate that curiosity as soon as possible.

It was difficult to not focus on his small goals when he did not have greater ones, after all.

::::::::::

After their restless journey in search for Allen, Kanda and Lavi finally got answers when they reached the town that was the nearest to Rose Cross. The first person they questioned in the street actually talked a lot about her, and they got a description about how a strange boy, white haired and beaten halfway to death, came upon them and was taken to the hospital looking very much like a corpse.

Everyone else they talked to had a version of the story. Listening to the theatricals of the enthusiastic inhabitants of the pacate place, they grimly noticed that most of the story had been distorted by senseless gossip and the excitement from people who finally saw something different happen and wanted badly to have an interesting story to tell. Still, it was possible to gather the raw truth and separate it from what were most likely tales concocted little by little by the people, and they soon found themselves at the hospital, where the staff was quick to give more proper information when they realized they were exorcists.

That had been an encouraging start to their journey.

That had also been three weeks ago.

Lavi woke in the small hotel room they had been sharing for the night. Looking towards Kanda's bed, he noticed, unsurprised, that it was empty. Outside, it was still dark, and all he could hear was the muffled sound of water coming from the bathroom, plus some small movement as some establishments outside started their day.

Kanda left the bathroom and mumbled a robotic good morning, which Lavi tried to answer a bit more enthusiastically, before going to take a shower himself. His mind was troubled, like it had been every day, and it was not only about Allen's disappearance.

Once he returned to the hotel room, Kanda was already fully dressed and had his things ready. Lavi quickly did the same and, in a matter of minutes, they were out in the streets once again.

They marched towards another train station, one that would, yet again, not take them to their ship. Staying a few steps behind his captain, Lavi paid attention to the way he walked. The movements that were once fueled with angry determination now looked tired and forced because Kanda knew, as well as Lavi did, that their trail had gone dead cold and they had done absolutely no progress since Brarron.

And Lavi hated it, but the truth was that they needed to go back. They had done their very best to find Allen but, ever since she had left the hospital, no one had ever seen her. The nurse who saw her leave seemed to have a good head over his shoulders and no interest in dramatics, explaining calmly that she had left the hospital much before she should, insinuating that Akuma were after her.

The idea that she was supposed to find it difficult to even walk, much less fight, and that she had already been detected by the enemy and left by herself was a grim one, and they had done their very best to extensively search for her.

But she wasn't the only one in danger.

Yes, Lavi hated it, but it had been a long time since they had gone to the ship. One of the strengths of their organization was that they were able to move their base however they liked. However, they had been anchored in the same city for a very long while because of the long string of events that happened - their dealings with the Minister, their search for new Accommodators, and now Allen's disappearance. The ship was not only well known to house exorcists, but it also carried all the Innocence shards the group had managed to collect.

Three times a day, Lavi and Kanda contacted the ship, to understand their status and confirm they were doing well. Until now, nothing remarkable had happened - everyone was staying inside the ship, as parting ways right then would be dangerous. They had already purchased provisions with the intention to travel, so there was no need for anybody to leave, and the enemy had not been seen even once.

However, staying still like that wasn't good for them. They were exorcists, but were not contributing to the city in any way, because they had orders to stay in the ship. Thus, Akuma could run rampant around them but, so long as they weren't in their sight, there was nothing they could do. They also had a planned schedule of cities and allies to visit, as well as the approaching mission to Miranda's.

He ran a gloved hand over his face, sighing heavily as they reached the station. Before Kanda could get their tickets, Lavi tapped his shoulder.

"What is it?" Kanda asked in a monotone, and his defeated tone only made this harder for the redhead.

"We need to talk."

Dark eyes narrowed. "We can do it in the train. It is going to depart soon."

"No, we can do it outside the train," said Lavi firmly, "because we shouldn't be boarding it."

"What do you mean?"

Kanda had visibly grown tense, as Lavi had expected, but he didn't bulge. He couldn't - someone had to be rational here.

That duty usually fell to Kanda, but today Lavi would have to do it.

"Kanda. We are taking a random train to a random city. We no longer have any clues as to where Allen could be. We are trying our luck, and you know how lacking we are in that department."

"I'm aware of the lack of progress in our search," the taller man said with clear disgust. "But do you have a better idea?"

"Yes, I do. We go back to the ship."

The Japanese stared at Lavi as if the redhead had suddenly developed some mental illness. "She won't be there, you idiot. If she was going to return, she would have done so long ago."

This was just so difficult. "No, Kanda. We are going to back to the ship, you and I. And then we are going to depart, and hurry up with our schedule, because I'm always telling Lenalee what she should say to our allies to explain our absence, but I'm running out of excuses."

Kanda finally seemed to understand, his wide eyes and clenched fists showing his surprise. "Walker…"

"I hate saying this, Kanda. I really do. I'd honestly wish you were the one telling me this instead, because then I would feel better about myself," Lavi said honestly, and more than a little disgusted at his own selfishness, "but we are getting nowhere. Allen has definitely disappeared and any chance of finding her is scarce. We will likely comb the whole country and keep getting negative answers. And meanwhile, our group is by itself, stationed in a dangerous city, doing nothing. We aren't fighting the enemy, we aren't finding Innocence or Accommodators, and we are making everything we worked for - the ship, the Innocence, the exorcists - be placed into risk because of that. Kanda, I hate saying this. I swear to you, I really want to find Allen. But we can't lose everything because of her. We… we can't. That would be unfair to everyone else, that would destroy everything we fought for, that…" Lavi finally stopped. His voice, that he had forced to sound so sure at the start of his tired, ended frail and unsure.

He thought of Allen on one hand. Thought about a girl losing her entire family, and then acting recklessly and losing herself too, all because of grief.

But he also thought of Lenalee, of Komui, Daisya, Laboun, Reed, of Suman and Krory, and of everybody who helped them not because of ulterior motives but because they honestly believed in their cause. He thought about all of them losing their leader, whose focus was suddenly on something different, whose vision was clouded by guilt. And he thought about Kanda, too, because the man had always risked life and limb to the cause. This was a life where everything could end because of a mistake.

Lavi couldn't let that happen.

"We made a mistake with her," he finally said. "We should have been more careful with how we dealt with her. I suppose this teaches us that we aren't just soldiers, we are people too. But this search is unreasonable and we already know it. Kanda, let's return to our friends before we receive bad news from their end, too. We can ask our allies to keep an eye out for Allen, but we have done all we could."

The younger exorcist had expected a fight. During those weeks that almost turned into a month, he had grown to know a side to the man that he hadn't known existed. If this was how Kanda reacted to losing one of his exorcists, then now, more than ever, Lavi could understand his inflexible orders, and the way he wanted to know where everyone was, all the time.

Perhaps Kanda needs somebody to take care of him, too, he thought. Maybe he should talk to the others about it.

The Japanese man didn't react violently, however. Instead Lavi watched, with a curious and very guilty fascination, as his words deconstructed the captain. Whatever it was that had kept Kanda focused on this task, it finally lost its grip on him. Kanda's defeated countenance was something Lavi would never forget, but also something he wished to never see again.

When the dark haired exorcist turned to the ticket booth, Lavi followed him quietly. As expected, he purchased tickets to return to Bristol.

Lavi had managed to convince Kanda. Still, returning to their ship felt like their first true failure ever since their started working together.

::::::::::

Exorcists working under organizations usually travelled wearing something that identified them as such. It could be an uniform or an insignia - this way, they could easily get aid from the inhabitants of any community they visited.

This way, they could also attract the attention of an enemy they otherwise could not see.

Allen usually didn't have this limitation. Any Akuma who approached her would be detected by her eye. Of course, they wouldn't always approach her, due to the unremarkable way she dressed - but she was rarely sent on any missions by herself. She was always accompanied by Cross, who donned a large insignia of their organization, and whose whole wardrobe called attention. Due to her very mediocre choice of clothes, Allen was frequently mistaken as the redheaded exorcist's servant. She hardly minded, as it allowed her to do her job.

Now, however, she didn't have Cross, and she had gone through a change.

She didn't have access to uniforms of her organization, but she did purchase something that came quite close to it. Going to a tailor with a careful description of what Rose Cross' uniform looked like, it only took her a few days to have two new sets ready, made of sturdy material and with the insignia she drew and handed to the tailor. Rose Cross' symbol was something that was firmly etched into her mind, and now also over her heart, sewn into what would now be her clothes. A black shirt and trousers, black boots and overcoat, all lined with red. A silver insignia shone on her breast. Her stark white hair was left uncovered, and also combed back so it would not hide her scar.

There was no way anyone would mistake her for anything but an exorcist.

And there was no way the enemy would give her even a single moment of peace.

This was horribly dangerous. She was all by herself. She could be killed any time, if the enemy had numbers, of if their level was too high. She could imagine the voices of almost everyone she ever met calling her a reckless imbecile - some in worried, careful tones, and some in far more explicit ones, according to their personality.

But if there was one thing she knew, was that she couldn't stand staying still. She needed to make progress with every step she took, and so she would pay the price, no matter how high it came to be.

Between staying alive and useless, once more a street rat, or risking her life and actually doing her job and getting a chance of finding her family once again… her choice was obvious.

It didn't take long for her to get help from the government. In exchange, she cleaned the cities, pursuing Akuma with her eye, and also fighting the ones that ganged on her. Yes, she was helping the city, but she was also leaving a trail of destruction behind her.

The citizens knew that, too, and gave her a wide berth whenever she passed by, eyes full of wonder, but also of terror. She attracted the monsters, and they knew that well. She was there to help them, but staying close to her also could mean a death sentence.

She knew it, too, but didn't resent the way they avoided her like the plague. No, she was grateful for it… had to be. Because they were leaving her alone and, in some cases, they were also despising her - but they were doing their job. Word was spreading from wherever she set foot.

She would find Rose Cross or die trying.

::::::::::

Returning to the ship empty handed after any mission felt like a defeat but today, in Kanda's mind, that feeling had been enhanced tenfold.

He could see it when Krory, who had been keeping watch, saw then and ran to tell the others. Could see in everyone's eyes, as they left their places and went to meet Lavi and him - the excitement and expectation that quickly turned into deep disappointment once they realized only two people were back.

He had tried to think of some sort of speech to give, but he did not have any proper words. Instead, he simply walked towards the conference room, not taking a moment to wash up or rest. Everybody also followed silently. He stood by the head chair, not bothering to sit, and waited until everyone had gotten to their places.

"Today, we depart and continue according to schedule. We are very much late and I will draw up a new agenda. I understand we have enough provisions for two week of travel?"

Komui's head nodded in assent, whereas everybody else didn't make a move or a sound.

Kanda looked at everyone's eyes, then took in a deep breath. "You are free to speak to me if you think I am making any mistake during my directing of this group," he said stiffly. "You always were, but I want to reinforce that. Raise the anchor, I'm going to the helm. Let's go."

"You should rest," said Lavi finally, and Kanda was grateful for hearing something other than his own voice.

"Yes. I will do it," said Daisya. "If the plan's not changed, then I already know where to go. You two go and rest for a while."

The captain was silent for a few seconds, before nodding. Looking at everyone else, he waited to see if they had anything to say. Receiving only silence in answer, he turned around and took his leave.

That left Lavi alone with everybody else.

"You can rest too, you know," said Komui quietly.

"Yes, I will," said Lavi, but his slouched posture in the chair indicated he wasn't about to leave.

Silence.

"I won't even ask how things went," said Lenalee quietly.

Lavi nodded. "That's for the best."

"I guess someday this would happen, right? The day when we would lose someone."

The sullen words were spoken by the sullen Laboun.

"Yeah, I suppose." Lavi didn't feel strength to do anything but linger with the others and simmer in the depressing atmosphere. When he heard Lenalee's first sob, however, his heart raced and he bit his lip, trying to contain his own grief.

Incapable of looking at her, he quickly left the room, feeling like a coward.