WARNING: The opinions of this author are those of the voices in his head and those voices alone. If you have a differing opinion of the satire presented in this story, groovy. Good for you. Free Will is an illusion brought upon by physical forces ranging from chemical to sociological, as such the author does not intend to change anyone's opinion about anything as he is fully aware that your opinions are hardly your own, but rather some fragment from the wayward universe condensed into a biological storage facility projecting itself based off the whims of it's blue print. Dust in the wind...just dust in the wind...

Enjoy solipsism.

DC owns everything. Hence this stories existence.

OOC Is Serious Business

Batman typed away at his computer, his mind racing. Over the past several weeks, he had been monitoring various energy levels present in the universe, particularly ones that effected human minds at low-level frequencies. He wasn't sure why; he tried to call it a hunch, but that answer never satisfied him. There was just…..something fundamentally wrong that he couldn't put his finger on, but for some weird reason only he seemed to sense it, like his entire history was…..convoluted, still flowing from some past reality that managed to sink its tendril's into his current state of being.

Hal seemed to sense it too, but being the enormous dick that he is, Batman was far from ready to start sharing is introspective analysis with him. He'd mentioned it to a few other heroes, none of which were particularly interested in his "gobbled-gook" as Flash so eloquently put it, but he had managed to catch the ear of the various mystics he knew. The Phantom Stranger in particular.

He'd pledged to investigate further, and so far had turned up some interesting results. There was a massive rift in time and space, starting about four years ago, as if some great event had spilled forth and altered everything past and present. His gut pounded away at his skull, telling him that whatever happened was far from a good thing, so being Batman he started enacting several contingencies and started up consultations with the more powerful cosmic beings in order to get to the bottom of the problem.

With little success unfortunately…

More unfortunate was the slight wisp of air Batman felt behind him, as if some great predatory bird was hovering beside him. Before he could give his guest his customary greeting, he spoke first….

Something that rarely happened, Batman noted…..

"You're running my plans..." Superman stated, his eyes glowing a fiery red. Batman's brow furrowed underneath his cowl. Even considering what he had been researching, this was by far the most unexpected event of the day…

"Pardon?"

"Five years of planning, five long years of waiting around in this dump, and now, thanks to you, everything I've been working towards is coming undone..."

Batman's confused stare only grew as Superman landed hard on the cave floor, his fists shaking in anger next to him. "Kent, you're not making any sense."

"Stop calling me that." he seethed in response. Batman was only just starting to realize how whinny and child like Superman's voice was...which was odd considering his stature...

"It's your name tho..." he was interrupted by a vicious backhand, sending the Dark Knight flying hard into his computer. He groaned as fire shot through his muscles and tendons, while a still angry Superman floated overhead.

"NO! My name is not Kent," he spat with disgust, "it's not The Man of Steel either, or even Superman. I am the hero this world needed, I am the one person capable of fixing everything that you people ruined, I am the terror that flaps in the night!"

"Copyright….." Batman warned. The being in front of him continued.

"I am..." he paused for dramatic effect as Batman climbed out of the wreckage.

"I am...SUPERBOY-PRIME!"

Batman had never heard the name before, but he already felt a sickly wave of nausea course through his body. "What's your game...Superboy? Why are you impersonating Superman?"

"Because, Bruce..." he spat his name out with vitriol as well, only adding to Batman's increasingly foul mood, "Superman NEVER gets the respect he deserves. The last universe had him running around with some stupid chick from the Daily Planet, acting like he was a human being and not some alien god...somehow YOU even managed to beat him. That shouldn't happen. Superman is the best hero in the world. I should know, I'm going to be him some day."

"Is this before or after your balls drop?"

"SHUT UP YOU...YOU..."

Batman smirked. "C'mon little boy, you can do it, sound it..." he was interrupted yet again by another backhand, this time sending him hurtling into the roof of the cave. Batman's armour managed to absorb most of the blow, but the detective could easily tell he had several broken bones. Superboy-Prime continued his monologue as Bruce tumbled to the floor.

"I tricked that big dumb-dumb Barry into going back in time, I was there when the universe reset to add my own personal touches...I erased that stupid Wally from existence, I made you a pathetic loser most of the time, I made Hal a jerk with no personality, I made Wonder Woman more...feisty because lasso's are stupid and swords are cool! I even destroyed Superman's rocket before he came to earth and took his place! I made everyone cool, like how I'D want the world to be!"

He paused, walking over to the crumpled heap that was the Dark Knight, his eyes glowing red again. "And somehow you're still ruining everything! I'm about to lose all my powers, you get to die some super-cool death, and Wonder Woman can't decide whether she's the crazy Amazon killer and love sick puppy I want her to be, or some whiny child! It's stupid. This whole universe it stupid. YOU'RE STUPID!"

Batman coughed up blood, but managed to weakly choke out his response. "So...you...re-started the universe...all so you could be the "world's best superhero" and...and date an Amazon?"

Superboy-Prime nodded proudly, only to stop suddenly as Batman let out a rib-cracking laugh. It echoed through the cave, causing Superboy-Prime's fists to clench and shake with rage he only assumed made him look super edgy and cool. Like, silver and black uniform edgy. And cool.

"You are BY FAR the WORST super villain I have ever seen. And I've fought the Condiment King..."

"SHUT UP!" Superboy retorted angrily. "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!"

Before Superboy could start killing people to death, a portion of the cave's roof collapsed with a thunderous crash. Standing in the centre was the snarling figure of Wonder Woman, her sword poised to strike like a King Cobra after watching the end of the Sopranos.

Superboy may have been a blathering moron, but even he could tell that she was angry...

"Honey"...she began, stepping forward. Superboy took a tentative step back, his limited self preservation instincts finally kicking in.

"Stay away from me..." he stammered to the angry Amazon.

"Why?"

"I-I think I just want to go back to my room..."

"But 'sweetie', 'darling', 'light of my life'...we. Need. To. Talk."

"Uhm…"

"We've been dating for how long?" she asked, venom seeping into every word.

"Uhm….."

"Three years, that's right. Three years. And…..exactly how many times have we….what's a good way to describe it….done things YOUR way?"

"Uhm…"

"All the time, yes I was thinking the same thing. It's always your problems. Your enemies, unless you know, we count that one time where you somehow managed to tank a MAGICAL BEING, one of your WEAKNESSES, because HERA FORBID you ever need to relinquish the spotlight, right?"

"Uhm…"

"I had to get a secret identity to date you….and yet here I am, thinking to myself, 'wait Diana, why can't he, you know, take you somewhere secluded so you can both just be yourselves? Where we can train and spar and take in the world's knowledge or study cultures or something that doesn't involve being in bed by nine so you can get up early? Hmm? Or maybe this 'Diana Prince' wants to do a little bit more with her life, you know? If we're a power couple, maybe he could do things my way every now and again? Focus on my life problems and desires. Show up at my work place and treat me to lunch, maybe? Or fly halfway across the world to meet before my busy day begins? Or, hey, maybe I don't need to be just another version of Lois Lane, maybe I have my own life, with my own goals, that don't involve being cooked up in a secret identity just so you don't have to feel awkward around me'! Yeah, Clark, I've been thinking about all of that….."

Superboy-Prime was up against a wall now, both figuratively and literally. His stammering continued.

"Uhm….."

"Maybe I want to be a diplomat Clark? Ever think of that? Maybe I can already connect with humanity fine and just need to be able to act independently of you? So that maybe you can say; 'golly jee, to show how much I love her, I'm going to be supportive of all her decisions, and go out of my way to accommodate them! She's not just Superman's Girlfriend, no she's Wonder Woman! And I respect her for it!' Could you do that, Clark? Huh? Don't you have a superpower that helps you understand?"

Superboy-Prime looked over her angry shoulder in desperation, pleading at the injured Batman. "B-Batman…..help…..here…..please?"

His face dropped as Batman released another smug laugh, complimented by an equally smug grin. He began to walk back into the manor, leaving the searing Amazon and the sweating Kryptonian alone in the shadows. He called back towards the imposter before disappearing from sight.

"Sorry kid…you break it…"

There was a sickening crash, followed by a thunderous rumble ripping through the cave. Batman's smile only increased.

"…..you bite it….."

You'd think that Superboy-Prime's dialogue in this is overly childish, and that would be because you likely never read "Countdown".

And you're better off because of it...

Also Tomasi has openly stated that he knows nothing about Wonder Woman (and it shows), so you can imagine my dislike of a certain "book" he writes...not that anyone else outside of Sensation Conic seems to be writing Diana well either but...well Johns is getting better. Point is, I miss Gail Simone. And Greg Rucka. And I REALLY miss George Perez...and Phil Jimenez...good times, good times...

Curmudgeon, out.