69 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley

Chapter 3: Happy Easter

A/N: It's been a while, I've been really busy with work and other things, and I've been dedicating most of my writing time to working on a new story. I know I haven't finished the other two I started, however the one I'm currently writing has been one I wanted to write since I first decided to write fanfic, and I've put a lot more effort into planning it out than the other two I started, so I actually know where I'm going with the story. Anyway, decided to write this real quick because I haven't done anything with this story recently and it's a holiday, so why not?

A/N 2: WARNING: This chapter involves rape, and it's used for humor. Though some people might not consider what's in this scene as actual rape, I would, and I feel like many others would as well. If this offends you, I recommend not reading this chapter.

Easter, 1995

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all inside the 4th year boys' dormitory, opening Easter chocolates sent from Mrs. Weasley. Harry and Ron both received Dragon egg chocolates, while Hermione unwrapped a pitiful chicken egg. Even worse, Hermione's had so much wrapping paper around it, it looked like it was the same size as Harry's until she managed to get all the paper off.

"Erm, Ron?" Harry asked. "Your mum doesn't happen to read Rita Skeeter, does she?"

"Oh, yeah, all the time," replied Ron, his mouth full of chocolate. "She loves all that celebrity gossip type stuff."

Ron didn't appear bothered at all by his mother's clear and deliberate outcasting of Hermione simply based on false rumors, but Harry sat next to Hermione and offered her some of his chocolate.

"Fuckin' cunt," Harry murmured to Hermione.

"U fukin' w0t m8?" Ron said, choking a bit on his chocolate. "I'll fukin' fite ye, talkin' shite on me mum like that."

"Oh, shove you're damn chocolate up your arse," was Harry's intellectually stimulating reply.

"Oh, Harry, that's a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Hermione, always the lover of aforementioned intellectual conversation. She flicked her wand a few times, then Ronnie-boy's pants were on the ground, he was bent over, and his partially-eaten dragon egg was getting ready to thrust.

"Wait, what? Please, no!" he begged. But Harry and Hermione just laughed as the egg rammed itself up Ron's arsehole, all in one hard movement. Ron screamed for about ten seconds, then the egg came out of his mouth, stretching his mouth to the point where the sides of his lips were tearing and his jaw was cracking. He spat it onto the floor, blood and shit all over it, and collapsed to the ground, silent, a pool for blood draining out of his mouth.

"Huh," said Hermione. "I didn't think it'd be quite that… violent. I certainly didn't expect it to tear through his digestive system like that."

"Oh well. At least we can send this egg back to his mum to show her how much we appreciate the gift. You mind cleaning up the blood? I'll go dump his body in the lake for the Kraken to eat. The school needs to sacrifice someone to Him every month anyway, I'll let the Headmaster know it's taken care off."

"Alright, Harry. Thanks for letting me share your chocolate."