No good comes with any merriment I write because I've long abandoned believing in magic, fairytales, or good things happening to good people. I just don't see it this day in age. With that in mind, beware any, and all, fluff you may stumble upon in this chapter because I guarantee you it won't be in the next one. Deception at it's finest.

Best regards,

-AJ

Chapter 10: Fluff Before Angst

Day(s): 51 (Yes, I've been keeping track :P)

"You don't have to do this," I whispered to Axel from across the kitchen table of the Fair house. "You won't get to walk with your graduating class if you do… you won't get to walk with anyone." Axel was a senior, and this was his last year in high school—the year where you applied to college and hoped that senioritis didn't make you say 'Fuck the world, I'm done with this school.' I preferred that he got an opportunity to enjoy what he had left of this last year with… with peers who weren't so full of drama, like I was… "Just because I'm getting home-schooled from now on, doesn't mean you have to. I'd understand if you went back to regular school…"

I really would.

Axel was sitting backwards in his blue chair, forearms propped up on the rim and his chin resting on them. The look he was giving me, it was kind of lax, like he didn't really care to listen to my list of what he could've been doing; He just cared that he was here… and I think for Axel, that's all that mattered—that's all he wanted.

Same.

Even though I was constantly pushing for him to go back to public school—something he was used to—I still wanted him around. But, what I hated the most about the situation was that he was so keen on suddenly adjusting his schedule to benefit me. It didn't seem fair on his end. Everyone else had been doing it since my suicide attempt and I just… I kind of felt caged.

"I don't mind," was his lazy reply. He shrugged; his answer for everything these days. "Besides, my parents are cool with it."

"They're also therapist," I added. "Anything you do, they're always cool with it—and they always ask, 'And how does that make you feel, hm?' Analytical creepers." I'd murmured that last part out, but he still heard it, and I was surprised when he chuckled… I appreciated the sound. Hadn't heard it in a while…

He barely laughed these days—heck, sometimes the bags under his eyes matched the dark ones I often sported. It was like we were more in sync than ever, too. If I couldn't sleep, neither could he, and if I was feeling like crap, so was he… And if I had nightmares… his were usually worse…

Nothing's worse than dreaming of your best friend jumping off a building… aside from it actually happening… Every time I think my life's bad, I can't help but scold myself and think, You and your first world problems…

And then I berate myself again, because I know that just because I have what I call 'first world problems' doesn't mean they don't hurt, and it doesn't mean I can't voice them. I'm only human… I guess that was the situation Axel always seemed to be in, from the look I always see on his face—always worrying about me. I didn't blame him, though.

Axel was… I don't know. I really screwed him up after that night, and now, I just wanted him to be all right again. I wanted us to be all right again, because seeing him pretend to be fine was worse than having him yell at me, like before… Most of the time when people screwed up something, they'd make up for it, but the only way I could do that was by living, and for Axel… that might mean living in fear for the rest of his life wondering when I'll decide to go building jumping again… And that was no way to live, not having peace of mind. That was no way to function.

I'm a terrible friend…

"How do you spell responstible?" Axel asked.

Xion sighed, but there was a smile on her lips. "You know that's not a word, right?"

"Mary Poppins says otherwise," the redhead reminded.

She scoffed. "That's a movie, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't in the actual books… and you're going to write it in your paper anyway, aren't you?"

"Damn right." Xion's laugh gave me life.

It was nice getting some insight into her world now that we shared a tutor—Ms. Belle I think was her name. She was here earlier, teaching the three of us—at different rates, since we all learned differently. What I liked about her is that she was kind and sweet, but she wasn't afraid to make sure we stuck to doing our schoolwork the entire five hours that she was over… The way she helped Xion practice her braille, to help her learn to be independent whenever she moved… I felt like I could watch her triumph over the darkness all day—as cheesy as that sounded. Xion was very brave in my opinion, and most people couldn't live with something like this happening to them after losing so much, but… here she was.

We were genuine friends now, which I liked.

She was sitting across from Axel and me; reading over one of her orange vocabulary books. I watched with interest as her fingers trailed over each line of text, and the way she'd brush her hair behind both of her ears after finishing a section. I think it was because she knew I was possibly observing, but also out of habit… I couldn't help but feel a little bad when she reached for her chocolate donut on a nearby small, white saucer to her right, and blindly—excuse my poor choice words—reached at nothing for a good ten seconds before she finally grabbed what she desired. It wasn't something I was used to seeing, and I wished that I didn't have an urge to be overprotective of her and want to help.

But during her reach, I had tried to help—I extended my right arm before I could process that I'd done it…

Which earned me a quick grab on my wrist from Axel. We met gazes briefly and his contemplative stare told me everything I needed to know: Xion could handle it. She was perfectly capable of being independent, and if she weren't—if she needed the tiniest help at all—she'd let us know. That's what his green eyes assured me, and because of that, I lowered my hand and lipped a quick thank you.

Sure, every time she moved for her glass of milk, I'd become anxious. I freeze in place every time she reached for another one of her textbooks, and I'd even count how long it'd take her to acquire it… But then she'd simply brush her hair behind her ear again, place her hood on, and block out everything, like her existence revolved around getting by in the shadows…

Sorry. Getting a little deep this morning. I'm still on suicide watch and all that until… well, forever I guess… but ya know…? There were benefits—in some twisted ways.

"So-ra!" Ventus shouted dramatically. "Gimme back Optimus Prime!" For example, my little brothers were able to see me now. They were in Aerith's living room; Leon and Rinoa had dropped them off earlier—after picking them up from elementary school—right before he left and went to… Well, he never said where he was going, just that he'd be out. Rinoa had went with him.

But it was kind of a full house, just like at Leon's place... It'd been like this for two weeks—no Cloud, no Tifa, and all three of my little brothers were temporarily staying at Leon's place while my ex-parents went to some couple's therapy retreat… The only thing that sucked was that they'd be back… today. I guess it was okay that they were returning; I had to talk to Cloud anyway—get some answers… To be honest, I don't think trying to work on their marriage would even benefit them. They weren't capable of being fixed, not in my mind. Their puzzles were unsolvable, and I didn't care to try and solve them anymore.

They were heartless, and I was their product—their nobody. I no longer existed in their world and they were no longer welcome in mine. I guess that's what happens when you try and jump off a building. You really get to know yourself, your limits, your weaknesses… what you'd give up in exchange...

I'd never give my kids up; that's for damn sure…

In my mind, I pictured a stained glass platform, with the picture made of every single person that I knew and loved—or that I thought I loved. I could picture three stone altars appear, one with my brothers and Leon, another with my friends, and another with my ex-parents.

I'd give Cloud and Tifa up if questioned; I might cry, but I'd gladly give them away if I got the chance. That's the path I'd choose, and gain strength in return for the offensive defense they'd been throwing my way this entire time. For some reason, I felt as if the scenario had been predetermined before I was even born, like destiny knew this was going to happen but it forgot to give fate the memo.

Destiny was an asshole.

Know what? Leon always said that Tifa wouldn't divorce Cloud because they were each other's first love, and that it's always hard to get over your first love… I bluntly told him that your first love isn't always your last love, or even the right love…

Sometimes I think we would've all been better off it they divorced before all this drama, because nothing they did now could compensate the emotional abuse I've been going through—the emotional abuse they've put my brothers through…

Nothing could compensate having piece of mind, and I'd never be able to get that back… just like I couldn't give it back to anyone else for nearly jumping that night… I felt like I was drowning again, like a weight was preventing me from swimming to the surface and I was sinking deeper to the bottom of the ocean, and if I didn't find help soon—

"Don't do that," Axel begged softly from across the table.

My gaze flickered towards his, and I found myself frowning. "…Do what?"

"Overthink everything—or think at all, for that matter. Not today, Roxas." His eyes were scrutinizing mine with uneasiness, like he knew exactly what was on my mind. "I know they're coming back today, and I know you're probably thinking a million things at once, but just enjoy what you've got right now…"

An exhausted huff escaped me and I bowed my head in acknowledgement. "Yeah… thanks…"

Xion surprised me when she casually said, "Maybe you should go solve who should have Optimus Prime." Her index finger was still skimming over her language book, but there was a small smile spreading on her lips. "Preferably before Marlene goes into another discussion about why Barbie dolls are better for both of them, which would trigger Denzel to ask for a Genie's lamp… again." She had a point. We'd been through this argument enough times to know that our siblings were… adorably impossible to please. There was a certain way you had to coax them in order for them to cooperate—especially when it came to who should have which Transformer's toy.

You'd think Sora would be a giver—considering that if he saw a hobo on the street, he'd offer the man every toy he owned—true story by the way—but nope. Whenever it came to sharing Optimus Prime with Ven, it was like a keyblade war would commence, and Sora would be damned if he allowed that toy to be shared.

It just goes to show that even the purest of hearts are flawed… and Sora's human after all—the little cutie. Our aunt used to say to Tifa and Cloud that Sora was 'far too nice for his own good' and he needed to be 'more masculine'… He was three when she'd said this if I remember correctly… Can't remember the last time we spoke to her after that, though. As much as I agreed with Cloud and Tifa on not contacting her again, looking back, it gave me an eerie feeling knowing that they were used to throwing people they cared about away, if only to save the tiny bubble they placed themselves in… Cloud and Tifa against the world, huh…? That wasn't fair…

"Roxas?" That was Axel's voice.

I'm digressing again.

Sighing, I stood, scratching my chin as I peered towards the entryway. "So uh… could you two referee?" There was a battlefield in Xion's living room and I needed backup. No way around it.

Xion turned her head towards the direction of my voice. "What's in it for me?"

My eyes rolled as I crossed my arms, but my lips quirked into a smirk. "You're such a barterer these days…"

She gave me a light hum of approval, her voice reminding me of her mother's. "Axel taught me."

"I believe it," I agreed. Rubbing the back of my neck, I could feel the tension on there. "Look, I'll give you anything you want…" With a pointed look, I added, "That I can afford."

"I'd like a keyblade," she said automatically.

I deadpanned. "You know I can't afford one of those, Xion." If I could, I'd purchase every type they sold in stores for myself… Come to think of it, they weighed about as much as I did—fully steel, too. Zack could've lifted one with no problem, though…

I miss you. I don't think I told him that often these days. Too much drama going on…

Xion was giggling as she rose, nodding. "I know. But what about a keychain?"

"Which one?"

"The Oathkeeper one," she answered. "Wayfinder, I think it's called. I really like that one."

Axel scoffed. "You would…"

Before their banter could start, I lifted my index finger. "Guys, focus." A crash made everyone startle by jumping in alarm and when we recovered, I hurried to the living room, hearing Axel and Xion following behind.

Marlene and Denzel were holding hands when I arrived, not in the 'I love you' kind of way, but more like the, 'I'm scared so hold me' kind of way. Marlene was dressed in pink today, just like her mother, and Denzel was in some denim overalls and a white shirt. My twin terrors were in matching play clothes, with Sora in red and Ventus in camouflage. They were standing next to a broken marble vase at the far end of the living room and Optimus Prime lay in the debris, along with...

Were…?

Were those ashes?

Oh my god, I thought, covering my right hand over my mouth. They knocked over someone's urn! My brows furrowed as I swayed. Who the hell keeps an urn on an end table?! I had a bad experience with one of those as a kid. I was five and I accidentally knocked our great aunt Sally's—yes, she was a basic woman with a personality to match—urn. The damn thing poured all over me, and it even got in my eyes. Since my mom… since Tifa wanted to keep her remains, she took a hand vacuum to suck them off me. When she was finished, Cloud bathed me six times before I thought I was clean—and even then, I was paranoid and itchy for a month…

All was silent as we looked at the mess, as if we were all spooked… I don't think Sora was breathing as his lips quivered, and just when I parted mine to speak, Marlene suddenly decided to shout, "Optimus Prime kilted my gwandpa!" Completely threw me off guard. More importantly, she hadn't accused who I thought she would: Sora. She went and blamed the poor, lifeless toy.

Axel burst in a fit of laughter and I had to admit, Marlene's outburst was adorable. Before I realized the sound, Xion was also giggling—not at Marlene's tearful eyes, but the way she'd blurted out the innocent, hysterical statement.

However, when Marlene began to cry uncontrollably, Denzel went into protective mode. He hugged her as if they'd been married for years, and I almost felt like the rest of us were intruding at the sight. They were too cute for words, really, and I suspected that if they kept this up, they'd have the right to declare themselves as pre-school sweethearts by the time they entered high school. The irony that my baby brother was better at getting chicks than me… I'm pathetic.

Appreciating this, I actually laughed lightly, combing my hand through my spikes. "It's okay, Marlene." Although I understood why she'd be in a panic. She lost the man once; to lose someone twice would be something I don't think anyone could bounce back from. Plus she lost her dad… and she was kicked in the stomach that night when she saw his picture being vandalized…

"Yeah, kid," Axel piped up, dragging me from my thoughts. He wiped at the corner of his wet eyes, holding back his chuckles. "Besides, he's already dead." I could already picture the vines on the Internet once Axel realized what he said. And it was at this moment that Axel knew, he fucked up. His statement made Marlene wail harder, and Denzel began kissing her eyes whenever a tear would form. Eventually, Marlene's cries turned into light giggles and she started doing the same actions to him. It was so cute it was sickening.

"So, who's going to clean up my grandpa?" Xion asked me. She was pretty close to my ear, probably because she wasn't sure how close I was, and I was glad she couldn't see my blush.

I gulped, shrugging. "W-well, uh…"

Axel, having noticed my embarrassed action, yanked me away from her quicker than a runaway chocobo. "Roxas and I can." The light squeeze he gaze my arm told me one thing: Lost cause.

Sora chose that moment to burst into tears, wailing, "We kilted an old man twice, Ven!" Don't ask me where his vocabulary skills went. Not really sure myself. "We're going straight to hell!" But he might've learned that word from me…

My jaw dropped at the frenzied sight of Sora rubbing at his eyes, and out of protective instincts, I started to approach, but Axel surprised me when he made the move before I could. Let me be the first to say, that I've never really pictured him as a kid person. Sure, he talked to them, but I'd never really seen him engage so much…

But guess what? When he knelt in front of my little brother so that he was eye level, and took both of Sora's hands in his, Axel had never looked taller.

Respect.

"Hey, buddy," he cooed to Sora as Ven walked up to Xion and took her hand for comfort. "You know I was only joking, right? It's not possible to kill someone twice."

Between sniffles, Sora sucked in a huge breath of air. His little lips were trembling and those wide blue eyes looked so distraught. It was a crime for all of these kids to look so cute and huggable... seriously. "Ee aut? Ugh ut edat e wases?" I knew what he'd said, having known that Sora made noises to speak instead of talking when he thought he'd done something unfixable.

My arms crossed and I smirked. If Axel understands this, he's a frickin' keyblade master, I thought.

"No, it's not," Axel answered, and my mouth hung open for the second time that day. "Ashes are just ashes." He was shaking his head for emphasis. "There's no soul in them—and no heart in them, Sora. The people who got cremated are gone before all that. They leave that body when they… die the first time." It was disheartening explaining death to a child, but I felt kind of glad that Axel was the one who'd voiced it.

Sora's eyes rounded curiously and he squeezed Axel's hands for security. Angelic eyes observed him with a new sense of awareness as he tilted his head and asked, "Where do people's souls go when they get cremated, Axel?"

The redhead shrugged, and he resembled the 'fun uncle' in the family that had no kids but was great with them, nonetheless—sometimes sharing more than needed, but also enough to get his point across. "Where everyone else goes, heaven."

"Nuh-uh!" Marlene piped up, approaching them. She was firmly grasping Denzel's hand and whatever she declared, he nodded the same sentiments. "Mommy says only good people gets to goes to heaven."

"Then I'm going!" Ven announced, raising his free hand. Laughter flooded the room and he blushed. "Well, I am…"

Xion nodded, pulling him gently so that he was in front of her and she was resting her arms around his shoulders. "Of course you are, Ven. You, and Aqua, and Terra…" I had yet to meet these two people, but Xion had and she enjoyed them. I heard they were older than Ven by quite a few years, which had me concerned, but Leon liked them, too.

In the purest of tones, Ven asked me, "Is dad going to hell?"

My grin faded, and for some reason, I felt like I couldn't breathe again. The wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't help but sway until I reached blindly for the wall and pressed my palm against it. I didn't want to think about death when it came to Cloud… for some reason, it didn't feel right…

Across the room, Sora was heard huffing. "Ven," he warned.

"You said dad's a good person, but he's not," Ven said, challenging his twin. It was rare that they disagreed, more than a little off-putting. "He made Roxas try to jump off a building." It got quiet, like you could hear a pen drop.

I was almost tempted to grab my pen off the kitchen table, come back, and drop it myself. The tension was that thick.

"Ven," I said through gritted teeth. "I don't do anything I don't want to do… understand?" I didn't want to outwardly say that I wasn't emotionally prompted by Cloud to jump, but I couldn't openly say that I was willing to take the plunge to my little brother, either. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

With a pout, he nodded. "'Kay…"

Aerith finally made it downstairs—although I'm not sure why she took so long—and when she inspected the damage, she forced a weary smile. "Why don't you all go to the playground?" Translation: Get out of my house so I can cry in peace. She was upset; I knew that expression well…

We'd hurt her feelings, but knowing Aerith, she'd never admit it.

"Do we take the mutt or do we leave it here?" I asked. I was referring to Vanitas, who was nibbling on the front of my shoe. I was half-tempted to kick the little monster, but I heard animal abuse is frowned upon… even if said animal had a personal vendetta against everyone except Xion. I'm not even sure why Aerith kept the thing around… little nightmare if I ever saw one…

My comment got a good reaction out of Aerith and she actually smiled at me as she came to scoop him up. He was fussy, but he quieted as she stroked his fur. "You take those four pups," she said, gesturing her head towards the kids. "And I'll keep an eye on this one." Vanitas gave a bark, to which Ven stuck his tongue out.

Chuckling, I nodded, clapping my hands as I turned to face my four pups. "All right everyone; let's mosey."

I heard Aerith's small gasp of surprise but I didn't acknowledge it, and on our way out of the front door, I heard her whisper, "As much as you don't like it, you're more like Cloud than you think…"

It soured my mood, but I know she hadn't meant for me to hear it…

The playground was a place Xion and I hadn't been to in a while and Axel said he'd never even been before. It was kind of cute to see Marlene and Denzel drag him around the area, explaining what devices were what. Ven was off swinging while Aqua pushed him on the swing set and the two of them conversed with Terra. They were older than Ven, with Aqua being twelve and Terra being fourteen—the weirdest friendship I've ever seen, but seeing them talking from the distance, I could tell that with them age didn't matter—nothing did except spending time together.

I admired that Aqua and Terra took time out of their day to spend with my Ven, although I knew they'd face some type of challenges because of the age difference. There were things they could do that Ven couldn't, places they could go on their own that Ven wouldn't be allowed to roam without either my ex-parents or me…

Aqua was pretty for her age, short blue hair and kind, blue eyes. She wore black shorts and a navy blue top to match with some gray and white sneakers. Terra on the other hand had clearly hit puberty. He had spiky brown hair, light blue eyes, and he wore a dark shirt with some baggy, khaki pants and dark shoes. He reminded me of Sora's best friend, but only because their facial expressions matched.

There was a giant yellow slide in the middle of the area, about twenty feet, and the two ten-foot slides that framed either side of it were green. To the left of the slides, was a baby-blue merry-go-round, and to the right were two seesaws that had four different characters as seats. My favorite was Dumbo and Simba, while Xion used to prefer Bambi and Stitch…

We'd treated the kids to ice cream earlier, when the ice cream truck came around… Man, I sounded old, but we had, and now Xion and I were seated on a red park bench, embracing the liveliness around us. For some reason, the sound of all the children playing together, whether they knew each other or if this was their first meeting, it put me at ease.

"It's melting," I told Xion, who was sitting on my right. She hadn't touched her frozen treat. It was sea salt, like mine and everyone else's…

She was still smiling, though. "I missed this place… I hadn't been since we last went as kids…"

I hummed in agreement. "Yeah…"

"Hey, Riku!" we heard Sora call. He was rock climbing up the small area on the side of the slides, attached to where the wooden waiting spot was for everyone to go down. The little silver-haired child had just arrived on the sandy playground, and it had been a while since I'd seen him last. His aqua eyes were stunned to see Sora's, but they held glimmers of appreciation, despite his neutral lips. I'm not sure if he was aware of this, but Riku had as much baby fat on his cheeks as Sora did, despite being older, and he even had a constant blush on his pale skin, which rivaled Sora's. He wore a yellow shirt and some blue cargo pants with white shoes, footwear that sunk a little in the sand with each step.

There was no way to look at either of them without wanting to hug them, especially whenever they were around each other. It amplified their cuteness by infinity and the same sentiments were applied whenever Ven was added into their conversation.

It was when I saw Sora fall from the rock wall and collide in the sand that I almost lost my shit…

Parent mode activated within that same second.

I literally jerked my body hard in a move to stand and run forward, until I saw the way Riku hovered over my little brother from where he laid. He must've said something that Sora approved of because the eight-year-old laughed and sat up quickly, brushing the dirt out of his hair. It was the highlight of my day to witness their camaraderie as Riku offered his palm and Sora accepted it—reminding me of the time Axel had helped me after Hayner pushed me down the stairs…

Oh, right.

Hayner still didn't know about my suicide attempt. Leon told his folks not to tell him after seeing how on edge Axel and Xion had turned out… I was thankful that the news crew hadn't found out about it, either. If they had, Hayner for sure would've known. He checked the news daily to see what was happening overseas, where his dad was located. It was really sad, actually.

I wished I could've texted him and asked him to come to the playground, but I hadn't gotten a new phone since I'd broken the last one… Leon says when he was comfortable enough to let me have one is when he would be comfortable enough to let me roam around town on my own. Until then, I was under everyone's supervision.

Man, I'm rambling a lot today.

"Are you all right?" Xion asked me. She'd finished her ice cream now and threw the stick in the trashcan beside her.

Startled, I turned to her. "W-what do you mean?"

"I heard your breath hitch just now," she explained. "Like you'd stopped breathing entirely, and the bottom of your shoes scraped against the ground. It sounded as if you were getting up, but you stopped." Her brows were furrowing. "Are you okay, Roxas?"

She sounded genuinely concerned.

"Yeah." I rubbed the back of my neck, sighing in relief as I watched Riku brush the remaining sand from Sora's hair. "Sora fell, but Riku's there to help." He always was… Reading the child's lips, I could decipher what exactly what Riku was saying.

'You sure you're okay, Sora?'

'Of course, Riku! Don't worry!'

'Just be more careful,' the older advised. 'You really scared me.'

'Aw, but Riku!'

'I mean it, Sora. That was a nasty fall.'

'Okay...' Sora was pouting. I watched as Riku ruffled Sora's hair and they began to race towards the swing set towards Ven and his friends. Even though Sora had lost, and even frowned again, he still managed to congratulate his friend once he got over his defeat. It was a quality about Sora that I cherished; even though he lost at something, he was smart enough to know that someone else had gained and it wasn't wise to be a soar loser. He could find the good in any situation… that was something I wished I could do.

"It's scary to think about," I said. "The way kids are so carefree and forgiving…"

Xion hummed in agreement. "…You've been thinking a lot lately," she reminded me. "Haven't you? Especially since this morning…"

"Thanks to Cloud and Tifa," I said, agreeing with her. "They're…" I paled, and my eyes rounded. "Too high…"

"What?" Xion asked. She reached for my right arm, and she found my hand, gripping it slightly. "Roxas?" If I had been in my right state of mind, I'd have blushed at the contact, even though I knew Xion didn't feel that way about me, but because of what I was seeing, I felt…

Worried.

"Not too high, Sora!" I shouted frantically, squeezing Xion's hand for comfort. For someone so cute, he really was a liability… He was ignoring me in favoring of saying something to Ven—his latest competitor—which triggered Riku to shake his head from where he was standing on the ground. He looked mindful, and ready to give Sora and earful by the way his bottom lip puckered out.

That made two of us.

"Bet I can to!" Ven yelled back.

I secretly bet that those two would be the death of me…

Aqua's eyes were darting between the two, seeming apprehensive. "Ven!" she called, lifting her hand as she watched him swing higher. "I don't think that's—!"

Both twins jumped out of the swing…

The last time they'd done this, Sora had landed right on his elbow and chin, and he was sporting a cast for a while. He also had to get his tongue stitched back on because he'd bitten the tip off. I shivered at the memory of helping his six-year-old self off the ground and watching his mouth spill out merciless ounces of blood. It was disheartening and looking at the twins jumping now gave me chills.

During the twin's jump, Riku looked like he was going to have a heart attack; I could relate. I knew from Dr. Ansem that Riku had lost his mother… So he must've been really freaked out whenever he watched Sora do something reckless…

But once the twins got up and laughed everything, off, they raced around the playground, leaving Riku to huff in frustration. He almost looked a little defeated by the way he trudged over to me with his hands in his pockets and his head down. I would've hugged him if I'd known he wouldn't punch me in the face. See, Riku wasn't a hugger, and the only person who could get away with it was Sora... for now.

"Sora should really come with a disclaimer…" was his cute reply as he peered up from under his lashes.

Xion and I chuckled. "You're telling me," I agreed. When I patted the spot between Xion and me on the bench, he debated on whether or not he felt comfortable enough to accept my invitation, but after nodding to himself he climbed on and leaned back, crossing his arms.

"Sora's upset," he blurted out. He'd spoken this in the quietest, neutralist, of voices but I could detect the hint of concern lacing his speech.

"How do you know?" Xion asked, brushing her hair behind her right ear. "Did he say anything?"

Riku shook his head, eyeing Sora from across the playground while he played with Ven, Aqua, and Terra. "I can feel it. I know my best friend." The confident way in which he stated this… I'm not sure why, but it had me smiling. The bond those two had—and at such a young age—it almost made me jealous… if it hadn't been for the admiration I had to outweigh that feeling. Riku and Sora would do anything for each other, almost like how they would for Kairi, but there was something about the friendship between boys that seemed more fortified at times like these…

I internally scoffed. Maybe I'm just biased…

"Don't think too much," I said, repeating what Axel had warned me not to do earlier.

Large, aqua eyes—that I'm pretty sure could get away with murder—peered up at me. "My dad says I can spend the night at Sora's house when his parents get back today, but I don't think Sora wants that…" His brows furrowed at the same time mine did. "I don't think he wants to go home at all…" The reserved tone of Riku's bold statement caused me to tilt my head.

"Why wouldn't Sora want to go home?" I asked. He loved my parents, and he even defended Cloud, something I still couldn't get over…

"He doesn't say," Riku said. "But I know he doesn't want to be there… Would it be all right if I asked for him to stay over at my house for the weekend? My dad wouldn't mind, and I'm sure he'd let Ven and Denzel stay over, too…" He looked uncomfortable asking me this, as if he were afraid he was asking too much, but he also had a twinge of hopefulness in his high-pitched voice.

Protective had been my first thought. Riku was very protective of Sora, and in being so, that meant he was also defensive when it came to defending Ven and Denzel. I appreciated the offer.

"I'm sure if you asked Cloud and Tifa, they'd agree," I answered. Hopefully. They'd been gone for a while; two more days away from their kids wouldn't kill them… That'd be too easy.

Glancing back over at his friend, Riku began to frown. "...Sora told me what you did on the clock tower." Before I could respond, he surprised me by taking my hand, patting it like a I'd seen Dr. Ansem do when speaking to his child patients. "He really cares about you, and I do too, Roxas…"

"Riku," I murmured.

"If you die, you let all the people who want you gone win," Riku explained. He propped his right leg onto the bench. "You let your dad win if you do that, and he shouldn't win so easily." Looking up at me, he said, "My mom used to say there's more than one way to live; you just have to find it. I didn't know what she meant until she died, but before, I thought I couldn't live with her gone… but now…" He was smiling now. "I found another way…"

"Sora," I guessed.

Peering back over at the playground, he gave a gracious nod. "Sora…"

"Riku!" Sora called, waving like the beacon of hope that he was. "Will you come play with me?!" The grin they shared… it matched the one that Axel and I sometimes gave each other—that Hayner and I gave each other…

"Be right there, Sora!" With that, Riku released my hand and slid off the bench. As he took a few steps forward, he turned over his shoulder, pausing. "It's scary isn't?"

Squinting my eyes in confusion, I asked, "What is?"

"To think that you're all alone," he said, shifting his weight onto his right foot. He almost looked as if he were hugging himself instead of crossing his arms. "To think no one cares about you—or that they wouldn't miss you if…"

I stood, feeling uncomfortable. "Riku—"

"Sora says your dad really loves you," Riku forced out. He looked frustrated, as if he were worried for me. "And Sora never lies—about anything." He tilted his head, adding, "You know he can't hold water."

"I know that."

"Then you should believe him…" He was pouting at me, fully facing me as I went over to kneel in front of him.

My cheeks lifted as I touched his right shoulder. He really was a good kid—way more perceptive than anyone would ever give him credit for. "Thanks, Riku… Where's your dad? Shouldn't he be watching you?"

He looked offended. I could tell by the way his already rosy skin turned a deeper scarlet from the neck up. "I'm nine and a half; I'm a big kid." Said 'big kid' was pouting more than ever, and I remembered that he lived directly across the large street from the public playground, in a big, gated, white house that was practically a mansion by normal peoples standards, and the windows were always open to allow the light breeze to flow through the sheer, white curtains... It wasn't hard to get a clear view of the playground from there—and vice versa from where I was standing. A flash of blond in one of the windows had me grinning.

DiZ had been watching Riku the entire time.

"Yeah," I said, my smile widening. "Big kids don't need to be watched."

Blushing again, he turned away, waving over his shoulder as he left—but not before giving me an irritable look while he pointed and said, "Don't do you dare do that again, Roxas." I knew what he was referring to. A nine-year-old is scolding me about never trying to commit suicide again… and I'm actually finding it amusing.

Curse my dark humor…

The sound of Xion's laughter had me whirl around to see her left hand covering her mouth while she giggled. "Really?" I asked, but I was grinning.

"Really," was her smug remark. "That was cute." Yeah...

Before I could say anything, our conversation was cut short.

"Xion!" Marlene called from the seesaw where she and Denzel had taken Axel hostage. "Come play with us!"

"Be right there!" she yelled. She stood, pulling her folding cane out of her jacket pocket, and before I reached for her, I had to stop myself.

Sighing, I said, "You don't need my help." It almost sounded like a question, as if I were trying to reassure myself.

Pausing, she turned her head over her right shoulder, flipping her cane open. "If I need help, you'll be the first person I call—if Axel isn't available." We both shared a light laugh after that, and once it died down, she turned and offered me her free hand. "Do you want to come with me, though?"

As tempting as that sounds... "Actually…" I hitched my thumb over my shoulder. "I think I'll just sit some more." It'd be nice to sit alone for a while, even if I didn't trust my own thoughts… I'd still be under surveillance but from afar—less smothered and all that…

Her grin was wary, and her voice sounded uncertain as she said, "If you're sure…" Walking away, she pointed the end of her cane about an inch or two from the ground and paced off at a speed that wasn't quite the norm, but it wasn't exactly sluggish either. "Don't think for too long," she said over her shoulder. "You scare everyone when you do that."

"Noted," I assured her, seating myself back on the bench. A long huff escaped my lips and I gazed up at the clouds, placing my palms on either side of me as I watched them. What I wouldn't give to cloud watch with Zack one last time—just to see the smile on his face as he told me how life should be appreciated—how we all as human beings had the right to live it how we wanted and nobody could take it away…

I used to believe that. I used to believe that for every problem I was going through, I'd make it out unscathed so long as I had hope… and now I realize that hope doesn't always mean something good will happen after experiencing a struggle. Sometimes it's just a placeholder—a way to escape from all the bullshit a person's going through, if just for one fleeting moment…

And then it was gone.

Making a 'tch' sound, I couldn't help but laugh out loud and slump my shoulders as I ducked my head towards the pavement and leaned forward to rest my forearms on my thighs. "Hope my ass…" I was swearing a lot today, but I wasn't sure why… Guess I couldn't help it.

"You might wanna calm down a little," a playful voice said as they seated themselves beside me. Jerking my head to my right I saw this man, who… well, he really resembled—

"You look a lot like Leon," I blurted out. I kid you not.

He chuckled softly. "Usually people say he looks like his mother…"

Everything about him reminded me of Leon, actually—from his hair, to his eyes—okay his eyes looked a little more grayish in comparison to Leon's, but for the most part he just looked like an older, more upbeat version of one of my favorite people. This man had laugh lines, though, whereas Leon had no wrinkles to prove that he wasn't some robot—or stuck in a time warp. Leon's hair was a darker brown compared to this stranger's, but still just as long…

He's not wearing all black, though. He wore a collared, blue shirt with a white wife-beater underneath and some brown cargo pants with dark boots—definitely more color than Leon would ever wear on a daily… A silver earring was in his left ear and his hair was brushed to one side, almost as if he'd combed it over with his hand out of nervous habit or something. And the smile he was giving me…

It was warm, as if I'd known him for a long time. Everything was in that smile, like he knew so much about me, and he'd come all this way just to see me…

Had he…? I deleted the thought from my mind like a computer sending a file to the trash bin. I didn't think I was special enough to warrant that friendly gesture.

He scrutinized me with a pleasant look as he leaned back and propped his arm on the back of the bench so that it rested behind my back. Just like Leon… "Whatever you're thinking," he spoke up, ruffling my hair in the process. "I'm sure it's correct."

"It looks like you came here to see me," I said quietly, gazing over at Axel, who was holding Denzel's arms while the toddler sat on his shoulders. "But…" My brows were furrowing in confusion. "I'm not sure why…"

"I can't see my soon to be grandson?" he asked, quirking a brow at me.

I wasn't sure how to react to how… well, how easygoing he was. It was hard not to like him, which made me feel all the more uncomfortable because of how comfortable he was making me feel—like a goofy charisma…

Confused yet?

Me, too.

"I'm Laguna," he greeted. Who has a smile this infectious besides… besides Zack? I gulped, blinking rapidly while I tried my best to erase the comparisons. They were completely different in terms of social behavior. For one, Zack seemed more of the 'hey, I just met you, but we're best friends and you can tell me anything now' type combined with a puppy; Laguna seemed more like a goofy uncle who acted like a kid stuck in an adults body.

"I'm…" Wow, he seems really nice, I thought. I barely said three sentences to this guy and I already liked his company. I didn't usually like getting to know new people… It scared me, but with Laguna, I felt…

Safe?

I didn't know; it felt like he had love radiating from him, even though he'd never met me. It made me feel important… It made me feel here. I guess that's what every kid and teenager wanted—to be loved…

I think that's what all humans wanted.

"I'm..."

"Roxas!" he finished cheerfully, lifting his right hand. When I bashfully reached to shake it, he withdrew, only to pull me into a warm hug. I couldn't help but embrace him back, feeling this weird emotion swelling in my chest.

I think it was called happiness.

Go figure.

As we broke apart, he kept his left arm around me instead of on the back of the bench. "So, you're going to be my grandson," he said, as if he were stunned. "Man." He whistled lightheartedly and gazed up at the sky briefly before locking eyes with me. "Never thought Squall would give me one of those. He and Rinoa won't even tie the knot yet—let alone move in together, although I don't see why not…" He chuckled nervously, and he used his free hand to scratch his chin. I'll admit that it made my smile widen.

I liked him.

"You're his dad," I murmured in awe. Squall...? Rinoa called Leon that, too. Would Leon and I ever be close enough for me to call him that?

Laguna rolled his shoulders, tilting his head with the action. "Most days he doesn't claim me, but when he and Rinoa picked me and Ellone up from the airport earlier, I was told I couldn't see you until he picked you up from Aerith's place."

"So then, how are you here…?" Ellone? I remembered her name... Leon's cousin I think.

Laguna fetched some keys out of his pocket and I recognized the silver ragnarok keychain as he dangled them near my face.

My mouth hung open. "No way! You stole his car?!"

"Borrowed," he said quickly, chuckling when I gave him a deadpanned look. "Hey, I left a note on the porch…"

I couldn't help but smile, not because he borrowed Leon's car, but the way in which he said he borrowed it. Damn man had a contagious grin, too. "Aerith must've told you where we were?"

"Yep-yep," he replied happily. We were silent for a while, watching the children run around. I eventually saw Kairi enter the area and run onto the sand, her red hair flailing as she raced over to her two favorite people in her flowery, white dress and purple play shoes. Sora welcomed her by taking her hand and running off with Riku towards the large, green tunnel—their secret cave as Sora had once called it… They'd even scribbled pictures inside with chalk from time to time.

"Are all of these adorable children yours?" a woman asked Laguna brightly as she approached.

Laguna actually stuttered in reply and I sized the woman up quietly. She looked incredibly attractive, with long, curly dark hair, green, eyes, and fair skin. Through her blue blouse, I could see the outline of her tank top and her buttons left just enough to reveal the top of her assets… Her mom jeans and white shoes looked as typical as the blue baby bag she sported. She was a mom, a hot mom, with a tan line on her wedding ring finger.

Don't take the bait, Laguna… I thought. But from the looks of things, he wasn't really doing... anything. He was kind of…?

I wasn't sure.

"Yes," Laguna answered, sounding flustered as he nodded vigorously. "Well, no." He pulled me closer to him for emphasis, looking kind of pained. "Just this one technically—it's a long story—"

"And getting longer," I said with an arched brow. He was blushing and rubbing the back of his neck now.

Geez, gramps… I mused. He clearly wasn't good with women...

And then his leg right twitched, like electricity had shot through it or something. As I opened my mouth to speak about it, he made a noise unknown to man. It resembled something sort of an, "EROOH!" sound, and he was jerking forward—jumping off the bench and crouching so that he could clutch his lower limb. "Ah crap!"

It scared me shitless.

I was on my feet as soon as I recovered, kneeling as Laguna ducked his head and made another weird sound. "Um," I started, unsure of whether or not I should touch him. My hand was hovering near his shoulder. "Y-you okay?"

"Leg cramp!" was the quick reply, followed by him sucking in air through his teeth as he squeezed his eyes shut. He was murmuring, "Shoot-shoot-shoot," under his breath.

I wasn't sure if that meant he couldn't walk it off, or if I should get help, or...? "…Do you want me to call an ambulance?" the woman and I both asked, meeting gazes briefly before returning the focus on Laguna.

"Nah," he said in a dopey way, straining to lift his head and grin at me. "This happens all the time when I'm nervous—" He leaned towards me, whispering, "Actually, this usually happens when I try and talk to attractive women..."

I blinked. "Uh-huh…" Ya gotta appreciate his honesty.

"Roxas!" Sora called me. I looked up to see that we had quite an audience. Everyone on the playground was ogling us as if we were a zoo attraction and wild animals that parent's deemed too hazardous for their kids to even approach the glass and observe. Some parents were holding their cell phones on standby and Sora marched up to me holding Riku's hand.

"Did you break him?" the eight-year-old asked me.

My jaw dropped. "What?! No way!" I turned to Laguna, touching his shoulders. "Gramps, ya gotta get up now. You're making me look really bad."

Laguna lifted his left hand momentarily, waving it. "Everything's okay here, folks! I'm just making my grandson Roxas look really bad!" He sounded so cheerful when he'd said it that I couldn't help but groan.

This guy…

Marlene thought it best to skip towards me through the crowd as I stood, and she took my left hand, swinging it as she innocently asked, "Dids you kilted him?"

I face palmed.

"No, I dids not kilted him, Marlene," I answered, rolling my eyes as I brought my free hand back down. Where did my grammar go?

Her right brow arched as the man mumbled out a quick, "Whelp, I'm in trouble…" She didn't seem convinced that he was going to make it. Hell, I wasn't sure he was going to make it...

By the time we arrived at Riku and Diz's house, since Axel, Terra, and I had opted to carry him to the nearest doctor, I was standing in the red-carpeted foyer and Riku was giving me this skeptic look. "Are you sure all he's suffering from is a leg cramp?" he asked me.

I crossed my arms. "Kid, I'm positive."

He seemed to take my statement into consideration and we paced towards the grand staircase. I noticed that the walls were a dark brown and there were no pictures…

"I asked dad to get rid of them," Riku replied as he took my hand and led me up the stairs. He must've really trusted me by this point. He only ever held Sora's hand. Halfway, we both paused and he peered up at me. "Most of them had my mom in them… Do you like Xion?"

"Of course," I answered. "She's my friend."

"That's not what I meant," he said, and his cheeks reddened. "My dad used to look at my mom the way you look at her, so you must really love her, right?"

I coughed, touching my heart. "What's that, Sora?! You called?!" Darting upstairs, I gave Riku no time to ask me any further questions.

"Hey!" was the cute shout. I could hear the frustration in his voice as he chased after me. "No fair!" We'd raced up the stairs with me in the lead and once I arrived at the top, I made a sharp turn to the left, rushing past the large, white banister.

I'd apparently ran too fast because the further I ran, the longer I didn't hear Riku shouting behind. I eventually paused when I noticed a white light pouring from a random room behind a brown door and I entered.

This entire room was white on the inside, like something from the Matrix, and I was worried that maybe I'd stumbled into some bizarre room to see just how far down the rabbit hole went… A large bookcase filled with white books took up the entire right wall, and every title was of a different fairytale. There were pictures, all little drawings. Some were scattered all over the white table in the center of the room and others were on the floor… They were all drawn in crayon, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw a picture of what looked like me holding Sora's hand lying at my feet. Picking it up, I noticed that it was initialed with the letter R.

"That's you and Sora," Riku whispered behind me. "I drew him next to you because you're his second favorite person."

Flickering my gaze to his as he paced into view, I arched my brow. "Second best? Who's his…?" Riku's adorable 'do I really need to spell it out for you?' look had me chuckling. "Ah… Yeah, you and Sora are inseparable…" I suspected that if anything happened to either of them, the other one would come running to the rescue. Their relationship was just that strong…

"Kairi comes in a close third," he noted.

"Where is she?" I asked. "I noticed that she left with some people in black suits as we brought Laguna here."

Riku tilted his head. "You didn't know? Her dad's the mayor now." He shrugged. "She's probably going to some press conference with him, taking pictures. It looks good when he's with her—shows the people that he's a family man. Basic PR stunt."

Placing the picture down on the table, I seated myself in the only available seat. This must've been Riku's haven when he was lonely and left with his thoughts… It was kind of sad, really… being an only child who lost his mother at such a young age.

And here I was bitching earlier about my problems…

"…Roxas?" Riku called me softly. I could see that he was gazing out of the window with furrowed brows, as if he didn't like what he was seeing. Or maybe he did and he wasn't sure why...

"You okay there?"

"How come you don't like talking about Xion?" His voice was barely above a whisper. "Are you afraid that she doesn't love you back?"

My hand shot to my temples, and I could feel a migraine approaching. "Riku… you don't understand."

He spread his arms as he turned towards me fully, leaning his back against the right side of the window frame. "Then help me to."

"I don't love her," I stated, rubbing the throbbing vein on my head. I just like her… a lot. Was that a crime?

"But you like her?"

I found myself unsure of what to say, opting to stick with, "We're just friends," as I shrugged.

"For now," was his cute retort.

I grimaced, although my right cheek lifted afterwards. "Why do you care so much?"

It was his turn to roll his shoulders. "Just curious…"

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"This cat can defend himself just fine." He even stuck his tongue out at me, to which we both grinned. He crossed his arms, looking bashful by the way his cheeks flamed. "…Don't give up, okay? My mom used to say that at end of the day, as long as you tried, that's all that matters. If you don't try you'll never know what could've happened."

Way to make me feel like there might be a chance, kid… "Alright, Riku…"

He seemed satisfied by the way he nodded and gazed back outside, so I stood to go see about the books he had on display…

Skimming over them with my index finger, I tilted my head. "The Road to Dawn…?"

"That's my favorite book," Riku explained. As I pulled it out, I noticed that he was still peering out the window. "It's about a man who wanders through the darkness searching for his light, hoping he'll find it one day. He's lost and confused and wonders why he lost it in the first place…"

"...I'm searching, too," I whispered absently, flipping the book open.

"For your light?" Riku asked.

Nodding, I leaned against the bookcase, reading the first paragragh until I felt a tug on my shirt. As I glanced down, Riku took my hand and placed a small blue orb in my palm. It glowed brilliantly in my hand, as bright as a star. "Don't lose sight of it. My mom gave it to me…"

Your mom? "Riku, I can't accept—"

"I want you to have it... at least until you find your own," he said, sounding final as he eyed it. "I'm not sure why, but there's a light inside that never goes out."

"Ever…?" When he shook his head, I bowed my head briefly. "Thank you." I genuinely meant it.

"What are friends for?" He casually walked towards the door, turning when I didn't follow. "We should go check on your grandpa and the others. They're bound to get lost." I heard from Sora that he always got lost in this place…

"Yeah," I agreed, closing the book in my hand and placing it back on the shelf. As I followed after him, I gazed down at the blue orb in my hand, realizing that what Riku had told me was true.

I had to find my own way to live—my own light. Whatever the situation, I had to try.

I just hoped that it wouldn't take me too long to figure myself out...

...

A/N: So like… I'm aware that there's an overload of angst in most of my chapters so I thought I'd make this one more fluffy but still slightly serious in some degrees to give this fic some balance. Not sure how I did, but you can chew me out if it's horrible lol

Thanks so much for reading this and you're welcome to hit a button or leave a review! I welcome all!

-AJ

Reply to guest review Mikoto13: This sad lady thanks you lol