A/N: I hope you enjoy this story even thought it will be a short one. I wanted to explore Sam's emotions and struggle after Heart and what he could have gone through. Hope you enjoy and will leave me a review with your thoughts whether you like it or not. Please review.

NC

Chapter 1

The wheels of the Impala ate up the road as he pushed harder on the gas pedal sending it down the lonely back road toward another no name motel. He glanced over at the sleeping passenger beside him that twitched and stiffened in his sleep, then relaxed. His brother looked so innocent and young as his head lolled against the cool glass and his mouth hung slightly open where the first signs of drool were beginning to form. His face was relaxed and free of stress or worry lines, he looked so much like that little five year old, so alive and so full of questions.

Dean turned back to the road and stared ahead of him clenching his jaw as he remembered the past month that had about killed him and almost took his brother from him. It started after the hunt in San Francisco. They were sure a werewolf was killing people there and was connected to a girl named Madison, only to find out she had been bitten by a werewolf in a mugging a month prior. Going on a theory from their Dad, Dean goes searching for the werewolf that bit her in hopes it would break the cycle. The brothers stayed up all night with Madison to see if she was going to turn again and stop her if needed. When she didn't turn, Dean left them alone hoping his little brother would score. Sam and Madison give in to their pent up attraction and make passionate love. But that night, as a full moon rises, Sam woke to find Madison had turned and can not stop her from escaping. Madison calls them next morning with no memory of turning or killing people and is devastated when she learns there is no cure. Knowing she can't live like this, she asks Sam to kill her before she hurts anyone else. Sam is heartbroken that there is nothing they can do to save her. Dean offers to take her life, but Sam says he will since that is what she asks. Dean waited in the other room while Sam took his gun with silver bullets and ended Madison's life.

The brothers moved on, but Dean could see how badly this affected Sam. He became withdrawn and quiet, more so than usual and this should of thrown red flags, but Dean didn't see them at first thinking Sam would get over it and move on. He never thought Sam would go to the extreme measures he did and Dean was lucky to have found him in time. He thought back over the past month and wished he had acted sooner.

spn

"Hey, I'm going to get some food wanna come?" Dean asked his brother.

"No." Sam mumbled as he typed on his laptop not looking up at his brother.

"You ok bro?" Dean questioned knowing Sam had taken it hard when he had to kill that Madison girl a few weeks ago.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Sam answered sipping on a beer.

"Right." Dean said watching his brother who didn't really drink sipping on his second beer in less than an hour. "I'll be back in a few."

Sam didn't answer or even look up as he walked out the door. Dean gritted his teeth knowing his brother was still in a funk and was trying to figure how to pull him out of it.

As the door shut, Sam looked up and went to the window to be sure Dean got in the car and left. He watched the Impala pull away from the motel and grabbed his coat before heading out the door. Sam made his way around the building and toward the main part of the town. He walked, shoulders hunched against the cool wind blowing down the street. Having to kill Madison really did a number on him and he was not handling it well, but he didn't want Dean to know about it.

When he had to kill Madison, it broke something in him. He couldn't get her face out of his mind, every time he closed his eyes all he saw was her tortured face looking up at him telling him to do it, to end her young life. Hot tears streamed down both their faces as she took his trembling hand holding the gun and brought it to her chest pressing the barrel of the gun to her chest before looking up into his eyes. A look of understanding reflected in her eyes as she nodded slightly yes. A sob escaped Sam's lips as his finger tightened on the trigger and a loud gun shot echoed through the room. He caught Madison's body as she slumped to the floor. He watched the light go out of her dark eyes that were staring at him as she breathed her last breath. Sam reached down with trembling fingers and closed her eyelids over her blank eyes.

Sam pushed those images away and entered the bar looking for a quiet corner. He took a stool at the end of the scarred wooden bar and waited for the bartender to come his way.

"What can I get ya?" the man asked as he placed a napkin in front of Sam.

"Beer and a double Jack." he ordered dully.

"Coming up." he answered, turning to draw a beer. He sat that down in front of Sam and picked up a bottle of Jack to pour the double.

"Thanks." Sam mumbled looking at the glass of amber liquid in front of him. He ran a finger around the rim before picking it up and downing it in two huge swallows. Tears burned his eyes as the liquid hit his empty stomach sending flames throughout his body. He sucked in a hard breathe and coughed once before chasing it with a sip of beer. Sam rubbed his tired eyes as the liquor helped to numb his mind. He motioned again for a double hoping this would make those memories go away.

spn

Dean unlocked to door to their room and stepped in.

"Hey, got ya..." Dean trailed off looking around the room and not seeing his brother. He looked to bathroom and saw it empty too. Glancing quickly around, he saw both their bags still sitting by the bed and Sam's laptop still sitting on the table.

"Sonovabitch." Dean growled tossing the food on the table and heading back out to look for his brother.

After looking around the lot, he headed toward the front of the motel trying to think like his brother. Dean turned toward main street and began walking, looking into each business that he passed. He looked further down the street and saw the bar on the corner. Dean made a bee line for the bar pausing at the door to still himself.

The bar was dimly lit and it took a minute for his eyes to adjust so he could do a quick scan. His eyes landed on a familiar hulking form at the end of the bar. He made his way toward the bar pausing a few stools away.

"What can I get ya?" the bartender asked him wiping the spot in front of him.

"How much has he had?" Dean asked quietly nodding toward his brother.

"To much, I cut him off ten minutes ago." he answered looking down at Sam. "You know him?"

"Yeah, I'll take care of him."

Dean walked slowly toward his brother who was barely able to hold himself upright. Dean watched him trying to lift his mug to drink the remaining beer in the glass.

"Hey, I think you've had enough." Dean told him, pulling the mug from his hand.

"G've m' ." Sam slurred trying to retrieve the mug and almost falling off the stool.

"Whoa, come on; let's get ya back to the motel." Dean sighed grabbing his brother before he fell.

Dean grunted as he took the weight of his brother's huge form. He got an arm under Sam's and around his waist getting a firm grip on the waist of his jeans and shuffled him toward the door. Sam mumbled incoherently as Dean led them out of the bar and back toward the motel. He stopped once when Sam began to gag knowing he was about to upchuck.

The bile began to rise, bitter and foul tasting as Sam coughed and gagged spitting the vile substance from his mouth. He leaned heavily on the wall of a building as Dean kept him on his feet. Sam watched the world turn sideways as he tried to stay on his feet. He felt another wave of nausea hit him as more liquid spewed from his mouth onto the concrete.

"Get it all out S'mmy." Dean grimaced having been in Sam's position more times than he wanted to count.

"Ugh! Dee." Sam gagged as he trembled under Dean's hold.

"I know bro; think ya can make it just a little further?"

Sam coughed and spit one more time before nodding, not trusting his voice if he even had one. He leaned heavily on his brother as they made their way to the motel parking lot and on around to their room. Dean unlocked the door and shifted Sam inside heading for the bed.

"N..n.." Sam stuttered pulling away from Dean to stumble toward the bathroom. He had a hand to his mouth as he bounced off the wall into the bathroom falling to his knees and dry heaving into the commode.

He continued to gag as his stomach twisted in tight knots making him groan in pain.

Dean grabbed a washcloth and ran cold water over it, rung it out before placing the cold cloth on the back of his neck. He gripped Sam's shoulder, squeezing it gently to let him know he was there. Sam's body shook under his hand as he drew in shaky, short breathes. After a couple of minutes, Sam eased back from the commode and flushed it.

"Lean on me." Dean offered helping his brother to stand on rubbery legs. He flipped the seat lid down and sat his brother on it. Dean took the washcloth and rewet it so he could wipe Sam's pale, sweaty face while brushing his long hair out of the way.

"Here, rinse ya mouth." he told him filling a glass with water and handing it to his brother.

Sam accepted the glass and with a trembling hand brought the glass to his lips sipping the water and leaning to the side to spit in the sink. He repeated this again before swallowing a small amount of water.

"Think ya can make it to the bed?"

Sam nodded once before stilling himself to stand. Slowly and carefully he braced himself and pushed up from his seat. Dean got a good grip on the waist of his jeans before moving with him out of the bathroom and toward his bed. He jerked back the covers and deposited Sam on the bed guiding the upper part of his body down to the mattress. He bent down and quickly unlaced his brother's boots to remove them before swinging his legs up on the mattress. Sam was pretty much passed out and let his head loll off the pillow until Dean repositioned it to make him more comfortable. He pulled the covers up over his limp form as Sam began to snore softly.

Dean sat heavily into a chair at the table and looked at the cold dinner still sitting on the table. This was like the fourth time in the past two weeks Sam had drunk himself into a state of unconsciousness. He knew it had to do with their last hunt. This wasn't the only changes Dean had noticed with Sam. He was barely eating and hardly sleeping unless he was passed out drunk. Sam tried to hide it, but Dean could see the guilt, sadness and unhappiness that surrounded him. His mood had been really shitty the past two week and it took all Dean's will power to not deck him.

Not feeling hungry anymore, Dean tossed the bag in the mini fridge before snagging his bathroom bag, sleep clothes and heading for the bathroom to shower.

spn

After checking on Sam, Dean flipped on the radio, adjusted the volume down and found a radio station to his liking; he dropped on the bed throwing an arm over his face. He was tired and worried about his brother's state of mind wondering what he could do. He drifted off deciding to head for Bobby's in the morning. Right now, Sam was not safe to be hunting and he hoped maybe being at Bobby's would help him get over this funky state of mind he was in. He couldn't get Sam to talk to him and knew the guilt was trying to devour him. It was not like Sam to be so closed off with him, in fact it was the other way around. He was usually the one who shut everyone out and refused to talk about his feelings. He had to find some way of getting through to his brother and pulling him out of this slump.