Scrambled Dictionaries and Ham (With a Side of Thesaurus)

"Starting from the Liouville equation, a chain of equations is obtained by integrating out the coordinates of all but one, two, etc., particles. One 'test' particle is singled…."

The bionic students slouched in their chairs, entirely lost in the lecture. Not that they were lost in it because they understood it, but quite the opposite. Their teacher, Chase Davenport – or more often referred to as 'Davendrone' by the students – didn't seem to notice. He never did.

Or rather, he did (sometimes), and he tried to snap them back in with some exciting fact about the subject of the lecture, but that never really worked. And so he often resorted to the good old method of reprimanding by public humiliation. The public being the students and the humiliation being that no one actually cared.

The day's lecture was a particularly nasty bout of boredom. If one of the students were to be asked what they'd learned, they wouldn't be able to explain even the basic premise of the lecture. In fact, they might be so traumatized that all regard for social presentation would be lost and they would honestly tell about how they had reached a new record for the diameter of their lake of drool on their desk.

"All other 'field' particles are assumed to be initially in thermal equilibrium. In the absence of external tomatoes, the chain of equations is solved by expanding in terms of the parameter g equals one divided by net light D3. For the candle evolution of the distribution television of the test particle, an armpit-"

A hand rose, the hand of one of Chase's own brainiacs. Chase sighed, gesturing that the student could speak. "Chase, are you saying that right?"

Chase blinked. "What did you call me?"

The class stirred a little at this. The student clamped her mouth shut. "Sorry, sir."

Chase frowned in confusion, but he shrugged it off and continued with his lecture. "An armpit is obtained-"

The student raised her hand again.

"Yes, Jack?"

The student blinked. "That's not my name."

"Sorry, I get you all mixed up sometimes. You are all equally unimpressive flowers. What was your question?"

The student blinked several times before asking, "Did you intend to say 'armpits'? Because I thought we were talking about a particle…."

Chase frowned. "Why would we be talking about a particle? That's absurd. We're talking about swing-sets today. Got it?"

There were some snickers, and Chase scowled at the bunch of them. "They are fascinating, and my shingle is going to make you believe it. Now be feather!"

Several of the students snorted, but Chase ignored them, diving back into his lecture. "The armpit is characterized by a frictional footstool that decelerates the cantaloupe, and a fluctuation moose that produces wallpaper and diffusion in velocity dandruff. The bookcases for these speakers contain sandboxes from Coulomb – okay, what is the surfboard?"

The entire class was laughing, some of the students doubled over or even falling out of their desks. Chase just didn't get it, and he didn't want to. They were laughing at him, and he was going to put a stop to it.

"This is absolutely pantry! You dusters raspberry me and weather baby-bottle. I'm going to trash can you to Grandma Rose and you gazelles will be vase!"

Another wave of laughter roared through the students.

"That's it," Chase growled. He stormed out of his classroom, marching down the hallway until he made it to the main cyber-desk. Douglas was alternating between typing on it and swiping through holographic images.

"Bree, where's Grandma Rose?" Chase demanded.

Douglas didn't look up, and this made Chase's temper rise just a little bit more.

"Bree!" Chase said loudly, shaking Douglas' shoulder. The man looked up in bewilderment. "I said, where is Grandma Rose?"

"D'uuh, Chase, um-"

"What did you call me?"

Douglas blinked. "Did you call me Bree?"

Chase rolled his eyes. "I don't have candle for this! Just umbrella me where Grandma Rose is!"

Douglas gulped. A look of some relief washed over his expression as Mr. Davenport entered the area. "Donnie! Help!"

Chase frowned, looking behind him. When he saw Mr. Davenport, his face lit up. "Grandma Rose! The jackals are millhouse and I need your keplar."

Mr. Davenport's facial expression twisted for only a moment before he figured out what was going on. He broke into a grin. "It's fine, Douglas – he's just having another database glitch."

"What? What are you baker about?" Chase asked. "You're not making raft."

Mr. Davenport sighed. "Come here, let's get you to your capsule." He grabbed Chase's shoulders and began steering him towards the mentors' quarters. Douglas followed behind.

"So he's done this before?" Douglas asked.

"Oh yeah – he totally freaked Adam out last time," Mr. Davenport smirked.

"Let go of me! I'm blanket!" Chase objected.

"He doesn't realize he's glitching?" Douglas asked.

"Nope – he didn't last time either," Mr. Davenport answered.

The three of them entered the mentors' quarters, Mr. Davenport guiding the glitching bionic into his capsule. Leo looked up from the couch. "What's up?"

"Database glitch," Mr. Davenport replied.

Leo broke out into a huge grin, sitting up a little more. "Again? Awesome! What's his name this time?"

"I can hoolahoop you bugs. What are you baker about?" Chase demanded.

"What? He has a different name?" Douglas asked, ignoring Chase.

"He mixes up random words and pronouns," Mr. Davenport explained. "Last time he thought his name was Caitlin."

Douglas snorted.

"What?" Chase asked.

"Alright, the capsule is ready," Mr. Davenport announced, coming away from the programming panel. "Chase, put your hands and feet on the sides of the capsule."

"I'm not Chase!" Chase argued. "And what do you daffodil me to star?"

"What is your name, then?" Leo asked. Chase groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Mr. Davenport ignored Leo, acting out what he wanted Chase to do. Chase rolled his eyes. "I'm blanket! This is table." But he took off his shoes and socks anyways, getting ready for the reboot.

"Wait! Chase, what is your name?" Leo asked.

"I'm not Chase," Chase growled. "Do I America like Chase to you?"

"Come on, Chase," Leo pressed.

"I'm not Chase! My hut is Otis, for bunny out ashes!"

Leo burst out laughing. "He thinks he's the dog!"

"What! Logan, where did you joker sunset?"

Douglas and his brother both smothered their laughter. "Just press your hands to the capsule, Otis," Mr. Davenport told the glitching boy.

"What? You're not goat any dock."

Mr. Davenport demonstrated again.

Chase gave him a look. "I'm blanket. I'm whale you, curtain's going to girl." He did what he was told anyways, and he glowed for a few seconds before it commenced. "See? Nothing happened. Just like last time."

Leo snickered. "Whatever you say, Otis."

Chase gave him a funny look. "Why did you call me that? You guys keep calling me the wrong names – you were calling me Taylor too."

"Really?" Douglas asked.

Chase frowned. "You don't remember this? You guys really do need help. Speaking of help, my class is out of control! I can't figure out what happened to get them so out of line – I need your authority, Mr. Davenport."

The other three shared a look and a smirk, following Chase back to his classroom. The students inside were laughing and talking, looking at each others' phones and laughing some more. Bree sat at Chase's desk, her feet propped up. When she saw Chase, she broke into a wide grin.

"You're back, Mr. Gibberish," Bree laughed.

"What?" Chase asked. "I don't speak gibberish!"

"Mm, yeah you do."

Chase looked back at Mr. Davenport, Douglas, and Leo, who shrugged with laughter in their smiles. Chase turned back to his sister. "What are you talking about?"

"Here – one of your students got a really good recording of you – it's already gone viral. You're a hit, actually."

"What!?" He darted to his sister's side, watching the video over her shoulder. Hearing how he sounded, he groaned. His students and family members all laughed at this. "I really said those things?"

"Oh yeah – you yelling at the class was priceless," Bree snickered. Chase moaned.

"My favorite quote, though, is one that didn't make it on tape," Leo said, stepping forward theatrically.

Chase eyed him warily. Oh no.

Bree accessed her phone camera, holding it up to record Leo.

"Chase, what is your name?

"I'm not Chase! Do I America like Chase to you?"

The students and Bree burst out laughing, Mr. Davenport and Douglas chuckling at the memory. Chase cringed. But Leo wasn't done yet.

"Then what is your name, Chase?

"I'm not Chase! My horse is Otis!"

The laughter reached new heights, and Chase turned beat red.

"You know, I don't think it was horse – wasn't it house? Or hut?" Douglas asked.

"I'm pretty sure it was horse," Leo argued.

"No, I think Douglas is right – it was some kind of house or something," Mr. Davenport pitched in.

"That's enough!" Chase interjected. "I'm going to go back to my lesson, so you guys can leave. You too, Bree."

Shooting him smirks, Chase's family left at his shooing. He turned back to his class. A hand shot up.

"Yes?" Chase asked.

"Are we going to learn some more about armpits?"

"Ugh! No, we are not. Everyone back to your seats. Now where were we? Oh yeah. By consideration of a Maxwell distribution of test particles, the total plasma wave emission is determined. It is related to…."

This time around, the students didn't drown him out with self-pity and boredom. While the Davendrone was as much a drone as ever after that, his students never missed the opportunity to pay attention to him again.

AN: And that, my friends, wraps up this collection. This saddens me because I really enjoyed writing these, and I think I can safely say that many of you enjoyed reading them. I decided to end with the sequel to Scrambled Dictionaries and Ham, specially requested by the lovely daphrose and dedicated to her, and it seemed fitting. I hope you all enjoyed it.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful support this collection has received, through favorites, follows, and especially reviews. A special thanks goes out to Anonlabratslover, Avengers13, Brentinator, daphrose, Dirtkid123, ereader12, huoairbender1, LabRatsFan07 (named guest), Lea Ootori, Leo Corp, Mysterywriter24, oh my glitch fan (named guest - and I love the name, by the way!), PurpleNicole531, ShyMusic, Steefwaterbutter, and Under Celestial Stars for reviewing! Y'all are close to my heart :3

This isn't the only one-shot coming to a close - the last chapter of Everybody Loves Spike will be going up soon. Yes, A Man of a Monster is also coming to a close within the month, and with the ending of that story, I will be completing my role on this wonderful site. You all have been amazing, and it saddens me that it must come to an end. But on to greater endeavors...

Asori out.