Finally some NSFW in this chapter.

Chapter 4 - With Yuu

To Kanda's great fortune his next mission was going to be with Lavi and if all went well his old man would leave them to meet up with an old acquaintance of his who somehow got his hands on a so far missing piece of the Torah. So in the evening the old man would leave to confirm that it wasn't a hoax and record it. Normally Lavi would jump on the opportunity to be present at such a historically significant event, however his mission needed to be carried out and they couldn't wait.

The reason why the mission had to be completed urgently, because the phenomenon only occurred at complete solar eclipse in the Visoko. According to rumours, there were 3 pyramids: the Sun, the Moon and the Dragon. During the eclipse the ones who went near never came back. Thanks to the Finder's insistent prodding it turned out that the supernatural was closely tied to this phenomena, so Exorcists were requested.

Since two unpostponable task came up Kanda came to backup Lavi for his mission - Komui never let any Exorcists go alone for a mission, save for Generals.

That's why Kanda took the first train to Sarajevo, from there a Finder would wait them with a carriage and take them to the scene. Maybe if the road was long and bumpy enough he could convince Lavi for some lip-service. Then once they were alone, he'd fuck him senselessly as a punishment for cock-blocking him, and then ordering him to watch that stupid Beansprout and his round ass. Ok, that amazing ass aside, he was made to watch the brat. It's not his fault that the guy had such a tempting behind. Damn, he really wouldn't mind occasionally inviting the brat for a round. And he smelled good too. Does that mean he would taste good as well?

At last, after three hours of train-ride he reached the city where the idiot Rabbit was waiting for him. As expected as he spotted Kanda he cried out his name loud and started waving like the moron he was.

Even if Kanda - in his own way - was glad to see him, he had a barely restrainable urge to skewer him for his impertinence. Didn't this guy get it, that he didn't want to be called on that name?! That fucking bastard was doing it on purpose, he pushed his buttons then ran off like a coward.

Unlike the Beansprout who basically smashed those buttons, but at least he took Kanda on without hesitation. He liked the fire in him. Lavi was a playful partner mostly, though he had his moments too. There was a reason why he let Lavi of all people touch him so intimately.

"Long time no see, Yuu," the redhead greeted with that ever-present smirk of his. "I heard your latest mission was with our lovely Brit. How did it go? How many times did he piss himself from your attitude?"

Kanda wasn't surprised by the fact that Lavi already knew details. Komui probably handed the reports over to him, it was part of the pact between the Bookman Clan and the Order. Whenever a new Exorcist arrived his personal data were open to those two.

He was the exception. After the tragedy of Lab 6th, all the documents tied to the Second Exorcist Program were destroyed by Fou. The first official document of him was his Registration Form, that was the reason he took on the name Kanda. He didn't like being called Yuu, neither by his old man nor Lavi, by anyone but her. It reminded him of everything: the cold, the Crows, the pain. Alma. It was a pain that never faded. It was always there. He was grateful that Marie at least respected his wish. Well, of course he did. He knew. Unlike those two.

The first time Lavi came to the Order there was a certain air around him that pissed Kanda off to no end. He knew that look, it was the gaze of someone who watched things unfold from the sidelines, then act all high and mighty because they weren't involved. That's right, no one else noticed from Lavi's fake smiles, but Kanda did. Unlike those ignorant fools he knew that the eye betrayed everything. Lavi's smile was so fake it was ridiculous.

He saw that despite the smiles he wore, Lavi condemned people. He thought he was above them just because he wasn't included. Maybe pitied the ones who were caught up in other people's mess. He thought he had the actual right to be pissed off about what was happening in this world. As if he experienced them first-hand.

This infuriated Kanda to no end. Kanda had the right to despise humans, after all they did to him. He didn't want anything to do with any human, they were just selfish beings who used Kanda to their convenience and once he outlived his use, he was to be disposed of. That's how things worked. They broke Kanda and made him into a killing machine. He never wanted all this, he never wanted to become a soldier and fight for a lost war he could never run from, not even in death. He didn't want to become a monster.

One day he just couldn't take that attitude of his any longer. He pinned the red-haired to the wall with Mugen at his jugular. Yet, the redhead still wore that annoying fake smile, but he could see some fear behind them. "Whoa, Yuu, you don't play on killing me, right?"

He snarled at the infuriating Bookman Apprentice. "Drop the act Bookbrat. I see clear as daylight that you don't give a rat's ass about anyone in this goddamn Order. So stop pretending as if we were friends or some shit."

The change was barely noticeable for the naked eye, but Kanda's senses were extremely sharp. He saw those usually empty eyes widen in surprise. He also saw anger and sorrow mix in that single green eye before the idiot started smirking. "It might be an act, but it's effective as hell. This easygoing persona makes recording a lot easier. If people think I'm stupid, they believe they have the upper hand and tend to reveal you more information. But it seems that's as far as it goes, it doesn't work on you," he replied shrugging, then his whole expression changed. The empty eyes turned cold and sharp, like Mugen's blade. "There, I dropped my 'I'm-a-nice-fellow' mask. You can stop denying that you don't care for them."

His grip tightened on Mugen's hilt and he drove the blade deeper in the other boy's throat. "What the fuck are you talking about? I don't give a damn what happens to the Order."

A sinister grin spread across the red-head's face, the expression was the complete opposite of what he usually displayed. "And what about the people working in it? That large man and your Master… Marie and General Tiedoll… Also that girl and his brother... Lenalee and Komui… If they died would you be able to shrug it off as nothing?"

Kanda was revolted by the Bookman's indifference. Even if Kanda was indifferent, at least he didn't display that sick, mocking I-told-you-so attitude. "What use does it have to think about the dead?"

"Then it's decided. We won't get in each other's way," the Apprentice sang with (false) enthusiasm.

Kanda clicked his tongue and sheathed his sword. He didn't wish to waste his time with such imbeciles.

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Keeping distance didn't quite work out as he expected. He was almost immediately assigned together with the two Bookman; Komui never let newbies go on their own, he always had a senior member - if not their General - with them, it was a great way to reduce casualties, but currently Kanda wished the man to Hell.

And to make matters worse he'd go with that annoying, idealistic Finder, Doug or who. He always had that stupid hopeful expression on his face, the idiot truly believed that he could make a difference. Kanda instinctively hated his guts, even if he begrudgingly admitted that he was pretty damn courageous and useful and knew how to deal with people, including Kanda.

Doug, even if groaning all long, he could deal with. But if this disgustingly optimistic guy mingled with Lavi hell was sure to unleash.

He inwardly groaned seeing Bookman and his brat show up and Doug saluting them in respect. And as one could expect the redhead two-faced bastard was quick to lay out his net with what he assumed was a charming grin.

"Heya Doug, nice to meetcha!"

He extended his hand in greeting, and Kanda was sure Doug would join hands with him and the two idiotic morons would make each other even more annoying - when the unexpected happened

As if struck by that hand, Doug stumbled back, shifting as if ready to flee. "Your eye," he breathed, half afraid, half accusatory, "it's like glass. It reflects me, but nothing reaches inside."

Lavi was frozen in place, smile frozen on his face, the genuine shock was obvious to all parties.

Kanda had to refrain from smirking. Not only the two did not get away but Doug also delivered a hit in the Bookbrat's inflated ego. Perhaps Doug was a lot less annoying than he first thought.

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"Kanda!"

Said Exorcist twitched lightly hearing his name shouted by the Bookman Apprentice. Finally the brat learned to use his proper name.

The green eye boring into him wasn't void this time, it housed a poorly suppressed sorrow and pity; it made Kanda feel sick, worse than the gaping wound he was given by that persistent Level 3.

Lavi's face twisted into a frown as he eyed the normally fatal injury on his left side. To the Bookman Junior's utter surprise, Kanda saved Lavi from a devastating blow. Of course Kanda would, the other was carrying the Innocence, if he died it would be taken from them. Also, there were quite few Exorcists, they couldn't afford to lose any more.

"I…"

Kanda was never so grateful for his fast reboot. The words he didn't wish to hear stuck in the redhead's throat as the slash healed right in front of his keen eye and disappeared without trace. Lavi looked at him with a mix of shock and horror, it made Kanda's insides churn uncomfortably; while he never had faith in the guy, that look; it hurt to see it. It was as if Lavi was looking at a freak. He stood back up and brushed past his partner, if he bothered to look back he would have seen the guilt in that forest green eye.

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Pain ripped through him over and over and over and over again as a ruthless blade ran through him for the thousandth time. His attacker was crying as he kept killing him in vain. He couldn't. Death only came for the mortals, he was stripped from that quality, he could only hope that soon his regenerating ability worn down until it could no longer support him and finally let him return to the ash he was. He couldn't, he wasn't allowed to; not before he fulfilled the role of a sacrifice.

All he could do is to endure-

Over the stench of blood he could faintly feel the smell of lotuses and Her. "I'll be waiting. Forever."

Tears burned his eyes, fueled by an impossible longing. He wanted to see Her. He wanted to live. Mugen eagerly responded to his desire. His fist clenched over the sword and counterattacked his friend. He forced himself to ignore the betrayed expression the other portrayed and started restlessly dicing him up. Over the noise of his trashing heart he could still hear the flesh rip as his sword sliced through his once friend.

He'll never forget the screams.

Enough. Enough already.

"-da."

Die. Don't get up anymore.

"-anda."

Please just die already.

"Kanda!"

Strong hands wrapped around his biceps shook him awake harshly. Blue eyes snapped open to meet a forest green one. Kanda was frozen, panting and covered in sweat from the vivid sensations from his nightmare. Once he somewhat collected himself he pushed the redhead away.

Knowing Kanda, he didn't take it to heart. "Figured that you wouldn't want my old man know about this." he whispered nodding at the snoring Bookman. "So I woke you up before he awakened."

Kanda didn't meet his eyes as he nodded mutely. Lavi sighed seeing his reaction, knowing that Kanda wanted to act as if this didn't happen. "It'okay, you don't have to hide it from me. Everyone has them... nightmares."

Lavi shrunk when Kanda's furious eyes snapped at him. "You're the number one nuisance that needs to stay the fuck away from me," he hissed threateningly then turned away from the red head.

He hoped that he could fall back asleep, without nightmares -memories - this time, but of course the guy just had to break the silence.

"I… Didn't get to say thanks for last time. So… Thank you."

The redhead waited for an answer, but the other didn't even twitch. Kanda ignored the heavy sigh and rustling covers and willed himself back to sleep.

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"What are you doing?" Kanda asked annoyed seeing the fellow 16 years-old guy sitting to his table.

The other shrugged, picking up his fork to twirl up some spaghetti. "The other Exorcists are on missions and Panda's off to somewhere too. I'm bored so I decided to drop by."

Kanda glared daggers at the Bookman Apprentice placed a rather large bite in his mouth, some strands even hanging out of his mouth. Disgusting. "That's no excuse for annoying me."

"Don't be so cruel, Yuu."

"Do you have a death wish?"

Lavi laughed. "Nah, it's just so fun to be around you. I can actually chill out a little. When I'm around you I don't have to think ahead to what 'Lavi' should do. I can sit back and record with ease."

Kanda groaned in irritation. "I'm not here to entertain you, brat."

"Don't be so mean, I'm only two months younger."

What, the fucking annoyance took comfort in his presence now? Great, just great, it'll be impossible to be rid of him now. He quickly finished his meal and moved to leave the table. Only to growl in annoyance when the king of fakeness followed him. "Quit following me, damn it!"

"But you're so fun to be with! And you're interesting!" the redhead pressed. "You might be a bit of an ass, but you're not a bad person!"

Kanda actually paused at that. A second later he berated himself for doing so and snapped at the other. "Didn't you say that we're going to mind our own business from now on?"

Lavi let out a laugh and Kanda didn't know how to react when he realised it wasn't entirely faked. "I said we won't interfere each other, not that we won't interact."

The Japanese growled. "Your interacting interferes my routine. Out of my way."

"You won't get rid of me so easily, Yuu~."

Kanda's hand reached for his katana's hilt. "Oh, really now?"

"Come now, you know you love me," Lavi teased with a lopsided grin Kanda haven't seen before. "Ok, maybe not that much." He added quickly, grin falling seeing Mugen leave its sheath. Kanda clicked his tongue in annoyance and returned the sword in its place.

"Stop pestering me." He ordered for the last time, intent on leaving the redhead behind.

"Kanda." Now that the redhead referred to him, he stopped. Taking it as a good sign, the redhead continued. "If you hate the Order so much, then what are you fighting for?"

Kanda glared back at the Bookman Apprentice, who did notice the lingering darkness in his eyes. "Mind your own fucking business."

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"Hey!" Kanda yelled catching his exhausted comrade before he passed out right then and there.

"I have name you know," Lavi panted harshly.

"You of all people shouldn't complain about people not calling you on your real name," Kanda countered dragging him away from the Akuma's burning corpse. Unlike him, Lavi's life could be endangered if he breathed in that stuff, especially in his weakened state.

Lavi chuckled at that but was cut off by his own coughs. Kanda frowned shifting him to his back into piggy back style so he could carry Lavi faster out of danger. They remained silent for a while, only Lavi's heavy breathing could be heard.

"That was fucking reckless," Kanda said with less bite than intended.

"I had to repay you for last time. We, Bookman might be forbidden to meddle around, but in order to survive to be the next Bookman I have to learn how to properly defend myself from Akuma. I can't keep relying on you. Even if I'm supposed to be an independent party, the Innocence clearly doesn't give a damn."

Kanda clicked his tongue. "You're an idiot. Who the fuck takes such risk for nothing?"

Lavi chuckled at the question. "It wasn't for nothing. As I said, I had to learn how to use my Innocence properly. This whole Level 2 activation is new. I never knew I'd be able to set things on fire like this."

Hearing that, Kanda had to withstand the temptation to drop the moron, he already foresaw a lot of arson "pranks". Indeed, Lavi somehow managed to unlock the special ability of his Innocence: it seemed that he could manipulate nature at will, which could make their fights slightly more comfortable by decreasing exposure to extreme temperatures and such.

"Also," Lavi pressed on, guiding Kanda's attention back to the real world. "I also realised that you're not nearly as cruel as you love to portray yourself."

Lavi loudly yelped when Kanda dropped him.

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Yet again he was paired up with Lavi, Bookman and Doug. But for once, Kanda was actually looking forward to that. It would be fairly amusing to see Doug keep turning Lavi down because he didn't trust him and see the Bookbrat grow frustrated because of it.

As always, the brat entertained himself with a one-sided conversation about his new-found interest in women's busts, behind and exposed legs that he sometimes caught glimpse of in non-european territories. It was sort of annoying that he focused on appearances so much rather than the actual person, but again, Lavi despite his tendency if haughtiness was pretty damn pretentious and hypocritical himself. Stupid idiot could go around like some damn rabbit in heat and plunge himself into whoever the fuck he wanted and bear the consequences. He didn't particularly care, but he sure as hell didn't want him anywhere near Her.

Finally Doug's train rolled in and it barely screeched to stop when the young boy hopped off and whizzed towards them. "My apologies," he said bowing his head in respect, "I hope I haven't kept you waiting too much."

"Raise your head, Doug," Bookman replied, "the train's tardiness isn't your responsibility. Instead, please enlighten us-"

"Doug~!" Lavi shouted as he launched himself at the poor boy; Lavi easily locked the short boy under his armpit and proceeded to run his hand over his scalp, tousling his dark hair wildly. "Man, you didn't grow at all, did you, you midget-GUAH!"

Lavi gasped in pain from Bookman's kick. Kanda repressed the barest hints of a smirk.

"Concentrate on the mission, you fool!"

"You didn't have to hit me that hard," Lavi groaned, holding his swollen nose. "Damn, it's bleeding."

"Let me see," Doug requested as he gently peeled away Lavi's hands. With his frail fingers, he prodded around on Lavi's nose, listening carefully to Lavi's pained hisses. "It doesn't seem to be broken."

"It sure does feel like it."

Kanda's eyes barely noticeably narrowed seeing the effect of the comforting smile Doug gave Lavi. Lavi's forced cheeriness faded away to be replaced by genuine awe, green eyes twinkling the first time with disbelief. With gratitude. For a long time, Lavi ended up being so high on the gentle caring he was shown, that he just stared at Doug's narrow and thin shoulders mutely.

He should have felt relieved that for once, Lavi had finally shut the fuck up, he told himself, but the bitter taste refused to leave his mouth. If that elicited unwanted feelings, he ignored them like always.

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Lavi was positively seething. He was worried sick and infuriated. Kanda watched the teenager's jaw clench and unclench, the nervous swallows, the trembling tense shoulders. Lavi was terrified out of his wit as he gazed at his unconscious Master. On the last mission Bookman got gravely injured and fell comatose with no telling when he'd wake up. It was still too early for him to succeed, but more importantly-

"Tune it down, Rabbit, I can't sleep from your fidgeting!" Why did he even have to stay in the infirmary to begin with?!

Lavi's single green eye snapped on him, visibly struggling not to yell at him. "Mind your own business, Kanda."

Kanda was taken aback by the unfamiliar behavior. It was as if they suddenly flipped positions. What a surprise. "I would if you fucking pulled yourself together. Just because you're angsting your old man won't magically heal."

"Just because you're bitching I won't feel any better."

Fair enough, as infuriating as it was. But that didn't mean Kanda would let such impertinence pass.

Lavi flinched when Kanda abruptly appeared by his bed and yanked him out, dragging him out and didn't let go until he shoved him in his dojo.

Lavi watched tensely as the male took off one of the bokutos off the wall and threw it at him. Lavi stood up while Kanda took on a fighting stance. "Fight, you imbecile."

"Wha-" the redhead didn't get to finish his question, as Kanda immediately bombarded him with attacks that Lavi could barely block with his left arm - the other was broken along with some ribs.

They clashed swords several times until Kanda managed to hit it out of his hand. In exchange Lavi wasted no time to kick the handle of Kanda's one and make it fly away, then threw a punch at him. Kanda grunted at the pain then moved to counterattack. The two continued their fist fight until Kanda managed to pin Lavi to the ground - though mindful not to put weight on his injuries.

"Did the blood finally leave your stupid head?" Kanda breathed harshly.

Lavi glared at him, his rage still ablaze. "What the hell do you want? You hate it when people get into your business so why are you in mine?"

Kanda let his eyes take in the emotions Lavi's single iris transferred into him. He knew that look. "Despair," he spoke up startling the Bookman under him. "Sorrow. Agony. That is what you feeling right now."

"What are you-?"

"No use trying to deny it or hide it behind anger. It won't go away."

Lavi was stuck with horror as he gazed into Kanda's serious expression. The illusion of power shatter realising just how powerless he was. Bitter fury bubbled up in him, granting him enough power to topple the other male over. Kanda was momentarily surprised by the sudden burst of energy but schooled his expression back to its usual annoyed one.

"Shut up!" Lavi screamed, baring his teeth at him. "You think you understand?! What the fuck do you think you know?! I-!" His throat tightened up, suddenly all the fire gone, extinguished. There was only cold sorrow. He still he pressed on. "I..." Kanda's blue eyes widened when moisture hit his face. Lavi's facade crumbled under his pain as his tears broke free. "I can't lose him, Yuu."

The sobs he choked burst out of Lavi, tears streamed down on his cheeks as he became undone. Kanda tensed a bit when the other dropped his head, lacking the power to do anything but weep. Kanda waited silently for him to properly process his emotions instead of trying to repress them. He knew how deteriorating that was.

Soon enough, Lavi's outburst died down, before Kanda realised it, the teenager passed out on him. He was half tempted to push him off, but those tear stained cheeks…

I can't lose him, Yuu.

Alma… Felt the same way, didn't he?

He sighed, banishing the thought. There's no use thinking about the dead. Alma was gone, Kanda would never know what he wanted. With a sigh, Kanda pushed Lavi off so he could stand up then took the other in bridal style. As much as he would have preferred to carry the other on his back that might be bad for Lavi's healing bones. Also, he sure as hell would get numerous broken bones if the Matron realised they sneaked out.

Somehow he managed to get back to the Infirmary unnoticed and laid the Bookman Junior back in his bed. The redhead moaned in his sleep then nestled himself in the sheets, his face still scrunched in worry. Well, at least he was sleeping, Kanda supposed.

He too snuck back into his bed, silently hoping that the Head Nurse wouldn't notice their escape.

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"Kanda, stop!" Lavi shouted, launching himself at Kanda to pry him away from the bleeding man on the ground. He wrapped his arms around Kanda's middle and dragged him away from his victim.

Kanda however wouldn't obey, his seething form further tensed in Lavi's grip and did his darnest to break away from his hold.

Bold once he was away from immediate danger the heavily panting Finder was quick to spit more insults. "It's your fault. It's your fault that Robin is dead. If only you got there on time. If only you did your job properly-"

"Quit your fucking whining, you piece of shit!" Kanda snarled at him, positively livid with anger; Lavi had to give his all to contain him. "I did everything in my power! Your fucking friend died because he didn't sit on his ass when I ordered him not to go after the Innocence, not because I killed him!"

"It is your fault!" The man insisted despite the shushing of his colleagues. "You exist to protect us! What use do you have if you can't even protect one person!? It makes you nothing else than a killing machine! What makes you different from the Akuma then?!"

Lavi was horrified at the words thrown at them. He knew that in large armies there might be some disagreements, but this was the first time in his life someone slapped such a thing in his face. He was used to be called a mongrel and such for being infidel and looking for only information, lacking any sort of bonds that people apparently identify as basic humanity, but to be referred to as a monster, a one that actively destroyed… This was new and frightening. To be dehumanised as a mere living weapon… Not only by the superiors but the people they were protecting... So this is what a backstabbing felt like.

In his momentary shock, he almost lost grip on Kanda, who if possible, got only angrier hearing this. "That's fucking it! Lavi, let go of me now, or I'll break your arms. I'm going to kill this shitstain."

Hearing that, Lavi instinctively clamped down on him harder. He didn't particularly care about this man, but he didn't want pointless causality, or Kanda to get into trouble, he owed him one. "Kanda, please stop, it's not worth it, you're only going to get into trouble for nothing."

"I don't fucking care, I won't fucking calm down until I cut him open."

His soon to be victim let out a deranged laugh. "See? He completely lacks humanity. He'd kill me for in an instant for standing up for us."

"Hey, stop it already!" Lavi snapped at the man. "I get it that you miss your friend, but pinning the blame on Kanda won't bring him back!"

"Just stay the fuck out of this, like you always do, will you?!"

Hands tightened into fists, but Lavi still didn't let Kanda lunge at the unthankful man. "I advise you leave right now," he warned with an edge in his voice."I can't hold Kanda back forever." He was incredibly tempted to just do so. It wouldn't make a difference anyways, he could feel that his strength was about to give out; after all, Kanda was a lot stronger than him.

That blasted Finder however didn't get the hint; first clenched he kicked off the ground, aiming a punch at Kanda. "It's all your fault, you monster!"

Lavi couldn't breathe. While this wasn't aimed at him, he still froze in the ground as the enraged man approached. As if he was about to hit some sort of evil. Not a human being. Not a weaponised teenager.

Kanda used his shock to his advantage and finally freed himself from his grasp. Expertly avoiding the hit, his hand clasped around the Finder's throat, whose eyes were once again filled with terror as Kanda tightened his grip. What vile creatures humans were.

"If being alive bothers you so much, I can easily put you out of your misery. You can even join that 'friend' of yours in the afterworld." Normally Kanda didn't like causing pointless destruction, even if he didn't shy away from violence. But now he was way too swallowed up by his feelings to care about this man's life.

He was the same as them. Smiled in his face until he was useful but sought to destroy him once he ceased to serve that function or was perceived as danger. He hated humans like this. This is why in a very dark part of his heart, he hoped that the Noah would win and burn this Organization and this wretched race to the ground. As long as he could find her, he didn't care about the world.

Gurgling sounds could be heard and a hand clasped on his wrist, trying to pry his hand off his soon-to-be-victim's throat. "Yuu, please, you're really going to kill him." Lavi all but pleaded. He didn't give a damn about the bastard, but he knew Kanda might suffer heavy repercussions, even if he was an Exorcist. He was used to seeing people die but the concept of seeing Kanda like this was frightening.

Lavi's words didn't reach Kanda's brain. He was way too consumed by rage and it wouldn't quell until this man's soul left his body. He killed many. So, so many. What would another one change?

Red blinded his vision, leaving him holding his breath as he felt the pulse weaken under his fingers. The world around him ceased to exist, only he and the man in his grip existed - and he didn't for long. Once he finally shut up, there would be blissful silence again.

Kanda physically recoiled when a familiar, heavy hand clasped on his shaking shoulders. His body immediately reacting upon recognising its owner, laxing on the grip just slightly.

"That's enough, Kanda," Marie's soothing voice called out to him, extremely gentle despite the situation.

An uncomfortable feeling churned inside Lavi's stomach seeing the look on Kanda's face: wrath, despair and hopelessness bleeding out till there was nothing. "He-" Kanda started but cut himself off, letting unsaid words linger, that Lavi felt only Marie understood.

Marie's hand slid down from Kanda's shoulder to his back, rubbing gentle circles while his other hand went to tenderly remove the know shaking, strangely uncalloused hands. "I know. He went overboard and spewed offensive nonsense. I understand, you have every right to be angry. But I know you too. I know you're trying hard… Because you don't want to go through such thing again. Please don't ruin yourself with this." The Finder, now finally unconscious - fortunately or unfortunately - not dead, fell to the ground.

Whatever Marie said affected Kanda similarly to being drenched by a bucket of cold water. A haunted look reflected in Kanda's eyes, his arms losing all strength fell to his sides loosely.

Marie patted his head then walked over to the scum who pushed Kanda so far. As much as he could empathise with the pain of losing his loved ones, but it wasn't acceptable to take it out on someone else. Still, it was important to take responsibility for what happened. Komui is probably going to have this man expelled immediately - he wouldn't even put past him to make him drink the serum while he was unconscious - and let Kanda off with just a slap on the wrist, just some formality to show that no one was exempt from rules.

Without much effort he picked up the man, draping him over his shoulder then turned to face Lavi, giving a look in his direction eerily precisely. "Lavi, would you please look after Kanda while I take him to the infirmary? I'll come after you soon," he promised to both of them.

Lavi shot a glance at the incredibly out of character Kanda. "Yeah, I owe you one for last time."

Marie gave him a gentle smile. "You don't have to keep track, Lavi. I'll always help you."

Lavi felt a soft smile pull at his lips. It was incredibly rare to find such patient people as Marie, who acted out of compassion; knowing him did give him back some faith in humanity. Even the ever cynical little voice whispering "fool" was less biting and more pitying.

Lavi uttered a soft 'bye' to the fellow Exorcist as he disappeared round the corner. Now that the drama was gone, the bystanders dissipated as well, leaving Lavi and Kanda alone in the hallway.

Sighing softly, Lavi turned to Kanda. Usually he would wrap an arm around him and deal with the consequences of annoying him, but now he was pushed way too out of his comfort zone. So instead, he just pinched the fabric of his sleeve and tugged on it lightly to the direction of his room. Kanda followed him silently without complaint.

Kanda's room was bare as Lavi predicted it to be, Kanda wasn't the sort of guy who cared for material belongings. There was the standard metal framed bed with soft mattress and warm blanket - no pillow. Cold wind whistled in through the cracks of broken stained glass, making the spiderwebs quiver - the room could use a cleaning that's for sure. Save for a nightstand with an hourglass the room was void of life. The glowing lotus flower within the glass fascinated Lavi but this wasn't the time to interrogate Kanda, and if he did later Kanda would once again go back into his shell. If he wanted to get closer to Kanda he had to let this one go for now.

Get closer? His cynical part pointed at him the question. Don't tell me you started to feel pity for this guy?

For the sake of the Bookman Clan… If I make him my enemy I won't be able to record in peace.

Only lingering silence was his reply.

Kanda slipped out of his grasp, he tottered over to his bed, collapsing on it. The incident visibly left him mentally and emotionally drained, he didn't even bitch at Lavi to get the hell out of his room. The redhead stood in the door awkwardly, watching an unresponsive Kanda until he gathered the courage to tiptoe over and sit down on the other side of the bed.

He winced as the old mattress creaked under his weight and whipped his eye to see Kanda's reaction. There was none at all, he still sat there suspiciously silent. Lavi kind of wanted to bolt before he came to his senses and drew Mugen, but he promised Marie that he'd stay with Kanda until he came.

What to do now.

Unsurely he glanced at Kanda from the corner of his eye, eyelids lowering just slightly seeing Kanda's facial expression half-covered in shadows. It was so out of character Lavi was starting to wonder if the incident actually affected him deeper than it seemed, if it tore up some already existing wound that never truly healed.

From the looks of it, it was very likely.

His hands clenched recalling the guy who threw those harsh words at Kanda. Some lowlife who was too weak to face his grief and decided to take it out on someone. Someone, who actually fought tooth and nail and pushed himself over human limits just to finish his job. Kanda might not have been the most empathetic person, but calling him heartless would be a huge misconception. From what Lavi gathered, Kanda was a blunt person but definitely not malicious (unless provoked).

For that scum to be so judgemental-

Lavi jolted when he realised where his thoughts were heading. He, himself, was personally feeling resentful towards that man.

This wasn't right. He was a Bookman. He needed to remain unattached, even if those words were cruel, Kanda physically hurt the man, if Marie didn't stop him he could have died. Kanda wasn't innocent either.

But still, he was provoked-

No, don't go there. You're just an onlooker. Don't judge. Don't take sides. Just watch.

He knew it. He knew what was he supposed to do and yet.

He silenced a bitter chuckle. Why were his long buried feelings emerging now? Why did they resonate with this situation? Was this the reaction of experiencing injustice on his own skin? Or was it perhaps-

"You can leave if you want to."

Lavi almost jumped off the bed and out the window hearing Kanda's voice speak up. "Wha-what?" he stuttered nervously, trying to calm his racing heart with no avail.

"You can leave if you want to," Kanda repeated in the same tone, which sent Lavi even more to the edge. His voice… It sounded so… So…

Lavi's body stiffened with the realisation.

Emotionless.

What on earth.

Awed green eye examined Kanda's hunched form. His gaze was empty, his face wiped clean of any expressions. Emotionless, just like his voice. All his feelings were shut out.

But how was this possible? How could Kanda detach himself? How could he detach himself when he himself was affected?

It took years for Lavi working under Bookman to get where he was.

And here was Kanda who achieved that all by himself?

Oh wait, he was supposed to answer Kanda now.

"Ahaha… nah, it's ok Y-, Kanda," he corrected himself stumbling over his words. "I'm just... fine sitting here... beside you." God this was so awkward, he never felt this nervous in his entire life. "So… You a, um... bit better?"

Darkened blue eyes were laid bare, and the same time glanced past Lavi's defences, right into his soul. Lavi's body froze, unable to move a muscle under that gaze. His breath came out as silent pants stumbling through his lips that seemed like forever.

The spell broke when a knock sounded on the door.

"Kanda," Marie's muffled voice called out from behind the closed door, "I'm coming in."

As if caught in doing something he was not supposed to, Lavi quickly shot up standing just in time to greet Marie.

The man smiled at him. "Sorry for the wait. Thank you for your help, I'll take it over from here."

Lavi shot one uncertain glance at Kanda, then nodded, turning to leave. As he closed the door he caught sight of Marie sitting where he did and Kanda rising to meet him. For once, he didn't stick around to eavesdrop.

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The next day, as once could have expected, Kanda shoved him to the wall by his collar. "You shut up about yesterday or else."

Lavi held his hands up in a placating manner. "I'm a Bookman remember? Secrecy is part of my job."

"I'm not buying it," Kanda snarled at him. "You're the sort of shit who'd use anything to poke fun at people."

"Hey don't say that now. That stuff is too personal for that. I know where that line is."

Kanda continued to hold him there, almost squashing him, but Lavi did not object, could not object at the intensity of that gaze.

After what seemed like an eternity, Kanda finally released him, hair swishing as he turned to stomp away.

"You said hiding your sadness behind anger doesn't work." Lavi spike up, stopping him in his tracks. "So why do you do it?"

"Maybe I don't want it to go away."

Lavi's inquiring gaze burned his back, but Kanda remained silent.

He stole Alma's future. He deserved to suffer. He deserved punishment.

He was ready to dispose of anyone who stood in his way, but Alma deserved to be remembered. That was the only thing he could do for the comrade he killed with his own hands.

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They survived, barely. The last mission was a clusterfuck. Almost all Exorcists were sent out to Iceland, where the hot water of the geysers froze into stunning Ice Castles that attracted thousands, hundred thousands of Akuma all across from all across Europe and North-America in a seemingly endless swarm. Not one, but four Innocence pieces were involved in the feat - the Scientists guessed that the North Atlantic Current brought them together and they reacted to each other's presence.

Despite not losing any Exorcists, numerous Finders fell in their attempt to protect the citizens, whose casualties were reduced to a "mere" forty percent loss of population instead of the estimated eighty - or even total annihilation. The already bare landscape became a vision of Hell, dyed red and black from the blood of the defenceless and Akuma oil.

Marie's left arm was practically shattered, his right arm dislocated. Daisya's openly broken leg could barely be saved from amputation, for a long time the energetic boy would be tied to wheelchair and crutches. Suman's right arm was almost sliced off from the large gash on his torso. Lenalee suffered from mostly internal damage as well as burns from an erupting geyser scalding her uncovered legs. Bookman suffered from heavy concussion and broken ribs. Somehow General Tiedoll managed to save everyone, but in exchange almost died as he fell into a valley and its freezing cold water. Lavi's left leg and arm was stabbed all over, he was lucky (for once) to avoid having his organs impaled. He managed to save everyone by unlocking his Water Seal, with its help he could call forth the underground water reserves to crush the Akuma with hydrostatical pressure and boiling heat.

While Kanda too, suffered from severe injuries, though most of them healed into small cuts by now. All other Exorcists were currently on other missions, leaving Kanda alone to roam the hallways.

Somehow the notion of being on his own didn't make him feel content this time.

"Yuu?"

Of course, he wasn't completely alone. Kanda turned back to meet the gaze. Normally he would have snapped at him for still using his first name after yelling at him not to, he was way too exhausted. "What?" He asked uncharacteristically soft. His voice cords still hurt from having his throat almost sliced open completely. He acquired way worse injuries than the rest, as he barked at his Master to leave him be and look after the rest - as a Second he would heal after all.

Lavi blinked tiredly as he forced an equally exhausted smile on his face. "Out on your own, eh? So much like you."

"What are you doing here?"

"Ah, the inside of the Infirmary is pretty depressive. Poor Head Nurse is so overworked, she doesn't even have energy left to scold me for being reckless," he chuckled humorlessly. "She passed out after mixing meds and ointments for everyone. She probably won't wake up for a while so I decided to sneak out."

Kanda hummed, but didn't give any other form of reply.

Lavi let out a deep sigh. "So you're worried about them, huh? Marie, your Master and the rest."

Kanda glanced into Lavi's single eye, not answering nor denying Lavi's claim. The way Kanda was so impassive, Lavi knew he was correct.

"I… I'm concerned for Gramps too," he admitted quietly. "That stupid old man really overdid it back then..."

Kanda remained silent, choosing not to point out the obvious trembling in the Junior's voice.

I can't lose him, Yuu.

He turned away, heading to his room to retire and finish healing in peace. He was surprised to hear Lavi's footsteps and his crutch behind him. He stopped. "Why are you following me?"

Lavi let out a nervous laugh. "I… I don't want to go back to the infirmary if I can help it. I don't want to see him in that state… even though it's burned into to my memory. But… I don't want to sleep in our room alone either… knowing that he's in there… because of me..."

Silence dragged on for a while until Kanda caved in and sighed. To be completely honest, he wasn't sure he wanted endure the solitude for now. "Follow me."

Lavi muttered a soft 'thanks' as he stumbled after his slower than usual steps. Kanda's door opened with a soft click and closed behind Lavi with an equally mute one.

Kanda trotted over to his bed, the mattress bouncing as he dropped himself on it. He paused when he raised the covers, dark gaze shifting to Lavi still standing in the doorway awkwardly. "Um…"

"How long do you plan on standing there like some idiot?" he asked without his usual bite. "Come."

Swallowing, Lavi stumbled over, falling next to Kanda gracelessly, letting his crutches lay to the floor.

He laid on his back so that none of his wounds had pressure on them. Kanda too laid on his back. The two of them just fit in the bed, shoulders and thighs almost touching. From the corner or his single eye, Lavi sought out Kanda's ones.

"You have that look again."

Kanda didn't stir. "Hm?"

"Sometimes, when you think no one is looking, you tend to just… stare off in the distance… with this deep longing in your eyes." He paused nervously, slightly afraid that Kanda would kick him out for bringing such thing up. There was no outward reaction so far. Despite the nervousness, Lavi continued. "It's like you're… missing someone very badly."

Kanda had his on the ceiling, full lashes bouncing with his blinks. In the pale moonlight illuminating him, Lavi thought he looked incredibly beautiful.

And incredibly sad.

They laid beside each other for what seemed like forever when unexpectedly, Kanda spoke up.

"There's one person I want to see no matter what," he whispered so silently, as if he was afraid that even the smallest of noises could break his wish. "The Order is full of hypocritical fucks and sucks shit… but it's still my best shot."

Lavi was completely awestruck. While he knew that there was more to Kanda than the cold, uncaring front he pulled up around himself, but he didn't expect so much hurt and yearning behind it.

You said hiding your sadness behind anger doesn't work… So why do you do it?

Maybe I don't want it to go away.

He got it now. Anger and hatred were so much easier to contain than crushing sorrow.

Medications loosening his tongue, Lavi thoughtlessly blurted out-"It must be nice… to be loved that much." His jaw almost hurt with the force he snapped his jaw shut with. Oh shit, after this, Kanda will surely kick him out.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, his voice sotto, "That old man of yours would die for you. And the others care for you a lot as well."

Lavi chuckled bitterly. "It is unlike you to be this considerate. Are you drugged too? You don't have to hold back, I get it. I… really am probably the worst piece of shit here. I am surrounded by people who would die for me... And yet I can't even express my gratitude to them. For a long while I really thought that I was different. That the people in here are foolish and irrelevant… But so am I. The people here just fight to survive… and I'm only here to jot it down and move along. They drop dead before me, for me, and I can't even properly mourn them."

They drop dead and never get up. Unlike me. Kanda snorted, dismissing the barest hint of what one could call empathy. "You overthink stuff. Nothing matters. There's no high meaning to anything. Not you, not me, not your feelings, not those who die, not who you lose, nothing that happens. Absolutely nothing." It was so much easier to think that than admit how lonely it was to be the only one who survived. The only one who continues to survive. To be left behind.

He got it. He got it why Lavi didn't want to care. He was the same.

"I didn't take you for a nihilist."

For Yuu to develop this mindset… he must be burning up for this person.

"But in a way you are wrong aren't you? Your life does have a meaning. You have to find this special person. That's more than enough don't you think?"

Kanda groaned, his usual character returning. "How pathetic do I look to you that you feel the need to comfort me?"

Lavi flashed a lazy grin. "Hey, I'm just giving the favour back."

"I don't recall ever doing that."

Lavi chuckled. "Yuu cares for me~"

Lavi fully expected getting thrown out the window. He never would have imagined that Kanda would muffle him with an aggressive kiss.

Lavi blinked once, twice, lips burning. "Di-did you just-?"

Kanda gave him a cocky smirk as he turned to his side, showing his back to Lavi. "Your perverted ass would have probably enjoyed getting yelled at. And I don't want that vicious woman screech at me because you got hurt even more."

Lavi's confusion might have been a lot more pleasing than it should have been. "I, um, eh, huh?"

"Go to sleep," Kanda commanded.

Adjusting the covers around him, Lavi was lóplagues by confusion until his breaths evened out. Kanda followed shortly after him.

.

.

.

To this day, Kanda wondered why did he let Lavi follow him? Why did he open his door? Who knew. He himself could barely think it through with his cock stuffed into Lavi's mouth.

With time, those innocent pranking kisses were returned and exchanged just as often as fists during training. They became a habit and eventually, and eventually a form of comfort that neither of them recognised as such, even when each session grew longer and more passionate than the other.

With time the kisses were followed with tighter and tighter hugs and in the end, less innocent touches, that led to this.

Lavi's lips and cheeks were reddened with the blood rushing wildly in his veins, desperate to supply him oxigen as he kept choking on Kanda's erection. Kanda pulled him back, letting him gulp down a few mouthful of air, then shoved him back on his lap. Lavi moaned, obviously pleased with the size pushing in and out of him. The sounds he made run up and down on Kanda's spine.

"Fuck," he groaned seeing Lavi's drool on his dick and his precum overflowing from Lavi's mouth. "You really love this a lot, don't you?"

Lavi ran his tongue over the bulging vein on Kanda's cock. "And you love seeing me kneeled between your legs and suck you off."

"Heh. Ngh. Yeah, keep doing it, I'm close."

Not wasting any more breaths, Lavi was quick to take back Kanda in his mouth. He willed his gag reflex to relax as he bobbed up and down, as Kanda's hips shoved in and out. Suddenly, Kanda stilled and a second later, Lavi could feel his bittersweet release on his tongue. It took a few gulps, but he managed to swallow all. Only once he was sure Kanda was spent did he let go.

"Whew, that was pretty intense. Beansprout riled you up that much already? I'm gonna get jealous."

"Don't be stupid. I'm not even sure if he'd look at us in such way."

Lavi laughed, strangely enough enjoying the ache in his jaw and groin. "Then I'll make sure to sniff around~ I hope you liked your reward for your hard work."

"If you meant this mission then fine. But you have yet to properly thank me for babysitting."

Lavi's lid lowered seductively as he took Kanda's still erect length in his hand, giving it a few pumps. His mouth was watering again. "Well, I guess the ride back is still pretty long so we can get wild. But before that, I'll make sure to thank you properly." With that, without further ado, Lavi engulfed Kanda again, moaning around him happily.

"You'd better."

They looked ahead to a not so boring ride.

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I don't like Seme/Uke dynamics so jot that down. They will have a different reason to not really wanting to bottom. I only had fragments of flashback because I'm more fan of slowburn fics where they take their time to warm up, but as this is meant to be a Lavi/Allen/Kanda fic I didn't want to take too long with establishing their relationship, a Lavi/Kanda fic deserves its own separate buildup.

Writing this chapter I realised there are so many sentences that if you just take them out of their context they sound naughty lololololololol. The narrative from here would be passed from Kanda to Lavi. Next time: a bit of messing with time! Allen meets Doug and Colette from the Reverse Novel: the 49th name!