A/N (Update 7/15; first was too big and... frightening)

Pardon this note dear readers; I mean only to warn new readers:

This story is, among other things, a deconstruction of certain aspects of the canon. I know that this is blasphemous for some, especially if it affects their favorite characters... if you see where this is going, and it enrages you, then you might want to refrain from reading. If you choose to read anyway and it upsets you, please resist the urge to leave a nasty review, since I did warn you. Critical reviews are very welcome, but if you dislike a story please provide a better reason than because it personally offended your tastes. If it's not your cup of tea, don't drink it, simple as that!

Prologue: The Siren of Sirena Beach

The King lay carapace-down over the powdery white beachscape, his cold reptilian blood steeping in the sand's sun-drenched warmth. It would have made for a lovely bed, but the sky's midday cyan hue was fast giving way to the orange of a tropical sunset, and the sand, like tub water after too many minutes into a soothing hot bubble bath, was cooling just below catnap threshold. Reluctantly, the King roused himself from it while his blood was still warm enough to move.

It was the perfect place to take a vacation. King Bowser was stressed from a number of things, but most of all from being the single father of seven children. He tried to shake off the guilt that was ever-present about leaving his Koopalings behind, instead of taking them on vacation with him. It wasn't like they were little children that had to be watched all the time; wasn't the youngest already in his teens? he asked himself. He had a hard time remembering their ages, but he recalled a few relatively recent incidents when his eldest had to correct him on his age. Anyway, Kamek and Kammy were keeping an eye on them at the castle, and the kids were old enough that they probably didn't want to go on a vacation with their old man anyway.

But it had been a while - yes, indeed, a long time since Bowser and his kids had done something together as a family... it was the last time they had gone kidnapping the Mushroom Kingdom Princess together. But he had not taken them the last time he kidnapped Princess Peach, which was the time he had held her hostage in her own castle... he had since made amends with the Mushroom Kingdom and agreed to stop kidnapping her as part of a treaty, and they even went go-karting together.

But he had never taken his kids go-karting with him. Nor had he brought them along when he got into golf, or when he started playing tennis, even though at least one of his children had exhibited an interest in the sport. He had also signed a contract to star as the villain in the Mario Party reality TV series, but he kept his children away from that, not wanting the Dark Land princes and princess to grow up in the public eye.

Bowser groaned as he considered all these things he went out and did, all this time he spent away from the children. And here he was, gone off to do something else without them. But at least he had the peace of mind, while he was here on Isle Delfino, to think of some great way to make it up to them. It was the ideal vacation spot - inexpensive, hospitable, and rumor had it that Peach also vacationed there regularly, which of course was a plus. Not that he necessarily wanted to kidnap her; maybe just play volleyball with her, or go surfing or wakeboarding, or even just lie in the sand watching her sunbathe in a bikini.

It was only the first day of Bowser's vacation, and he had big plans for tomorrow. He wanted to ride the ferris wheel at Pinna Park, be given the grand tour of Noki Bay and Pianta Village, go motorboating in Ricco Harbor, maybe buy some souvenirs for his kids at Delfino Plaza.

But tonight, he was going to call it a day, haul his carapace out of the Sirena Beach sand and check into Hotel Delfino.

Hotel Delfino, according to the travel brochure, was a four star luxury hotel with a casino. As Bowser stepped inside, however, he couldn't help but think that he was walking into a glorified grass hut. The walls were clearly made out of bamboo covered with wallpaper that did little to brighten the interior, which was dimly lit by tiki torches, and the atmosphere felt dank and drafty. Perhaps that had something to do with the pool of water in the lobby. Bowser had eaten at Chinese restaurants classier than this, and there were actual koi in the koi ponds as well. Needless to say, Bowser had definitely seen better - and, indeed, even owned better hotels than this. But then, it was only a FOUR-star hotel, wasn't it?

"HELLO? IS ANYONE HERE? I WOULD LIKE TO RENT A ROOM!" Bowser roared. The place seemed deserted. There was a Noki shell sitting atop a stool behind the counter, and it quivered and yelped and fell off the stool in response to Bowser's roaring.

"YIPES! U-u-uu-uuuum, s-sorry about that sir, dozed off for a moment there." The Noki bellhop brushed himself off and hopped back onto the stool. "Welcome to the lovely Hotel Delfino, a sparkling jewel located at scenic Sirena Beach-"

"Yeah yeah yeah yeah I get it your hotel is great blah blah blah just gimme a freaking room," Bowser grumbled.

"O-oh-oh, right away sir!" The Noki fumbled through a few drawers in search of a key. "Let's see... um, no, not this one... ah! There we go!"

The Noki got a key out and led Bowser up the stairs. The hotel was even draftier on the second story.

"Seems pretty quiet around here," Bowser mumbled.

"Hehe, well, it ain't exactly the busy season..." the Noki lied sheepishly. It was summertime, which quite naturally would be the busiest season for any beach resort.

"Is anybody else staying here?"

"Nnnnh, not really..."

"Then why can't I stay in THAT room?" Bowser grunted, pointing at the room in the corner.

"Uuuhhh... n-n-n-no not that one hehehehe it's occupied - I mean, um, out of order. Just be happy you got a room for Shine's sake..."

Bowser snorted. There was something fishy about this resort, and it had nothing to do with the beach theme. Then again, maybe he just wasn't accustomed to the culture here. Of COURSE the residents of an island populated by walking, talking shellfish would seem fishy to outsiders.

Bowser dropped his suitcase and fell onto the bed. To his surprise, it was big enough for his king-sized body, but it creaked under his weight, and he feared the bamboo would not hold up to it for long. He was more bothered, however, by the chilling temperature of this room's interior. Being a reptilian who lived practically in a volcano, Bowser was very intolerant of drafty temperatures, and the chill in this room had an identifiable cause - an AC that was set to Arctic blast.

Bowser smashed the AC with his fist. That made it shut off. All better. He sighed in relief as he settled onto the bed, feeling very relaxed in spite of the hotel's unsettling weirdness. His own castle was actually much weirder, the more he thought about it. It was not the best hotel he had ever stayed at, but it was not the worst either. Bowser chuckled as he remembered that motel he stayed at that one time he got stranded in Dry, Dry Desert. The beds were infested with bugs, the paintings were tacky, the sink water ran warm even using the cold knob and the fees charged were extortive, since there were no other motels as competition. It was all now just a funny memory.

Hotel complaints aside, however, Bowser couldn't help but feel that there was something missing; something absent from his vacation, something that would have made the difference between a good vacation and the PERFECT vacation. Bowser grew restless as he wondered what it was that this vacation needed. Maybe I just need a good, strong drink, he thought. He got up and went down to the hotel's drink bar.

"Hello I would like a pina colada, extra heavy on the rum."

"Oh... I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of pineapples, and coconuts and... well, looks like all we've got left are durians," said the Pianta working the juice bar. "May I recommend a durian daiquiri?"

Bowser made a face at the spiky fruits, which smelled like his toilet after blowing chunks out of both ends in it. He had seen other tourists kicking them around like soccer balls.

"NO THANK YOU! THOSE FRUITS REEK LIKE A FUCKING SEWER! SHEESH NO WONDER HARDLY ANYBODY'S CHECKED IN HERE!"

"Sir, I understand that the smell is... strong to foreigners, but the flavor, I can promise, is exquisite. Carnivorous species such as your kind tend to be especially fond of it."

"Grrr... fine then. Gimme a small durian daiquiri, just so I can try it."

Bowser was served up a little cocktail glass filled with ice and a foggy yellow liquid, garnished with lime. He downed it in one gulp.

"Mmmm not bad. Now I want a BIG one."

Bowser took a good, long swig of his tall durian daiquiri and sighed. When he spied the entrance to the casino in the lobby, he was struck with a sudden lust to have a jolly good few minutes or so of gambling. He got up with his glass but found that the casino was all dark on the inside, with bars put up over the entrance.

"GRRRR WHAT'S UP WITH THE CASINO?!"

"So terribly sorry sir, but the casino is closed... it's out of order... b-broken down... w-w-we'll have it up and running as soon as p-possibly p-p-possible..."

This damned place just keeps getting stranger and stranger, Bowser thought. It suddenly occurred to him how much this hotel reminded him of the Dark Land shopping mall. Ten years ago it was the hippest hangout and trendiest shopping center around, but today, now that all the kids go shopping at that upscale new mall in Toad Town, it had all but become a ghost mall. There were closed and torn-down shops everywhere, the infrastructure looked as though it hadn't been renovated in a decade, and although people still shopped there, the place gave off a sleepy, deserted vibe. The quaint little business that somehow still managed to be open sparked interest in shoppers who regularly shopped elsewhere, but not enough to keep them coming back. Neither did he nor his kids want to go back, not after that time that his son Lemmy was in tears when he found out the candy store was just a dark and deserted hole in the wall behind a locked door; all smashed up on the inside, and yet they had never bothered to remove the "Koopa Konfectionery" sign from the outside...

Bowser drank to quell his nerves. He was getting all paranoid over nothing. All those years of battling and conquest and kidnapping Peach must have taken a toll on him. He vaguely wondered if he should see a doctor about this. One of his sons had extreme mental illness; he was on all sorts of meds and had to be locked up in one of those insane asylum type places every now and then, and he had suspicions about one of his other sons, who seemed reasonably sane most of the time, but he was also the type who, if afflicted, would be exceptionally good at hiding it. Bowser was in the habit of blaming his progeny's less-than-becoming attributes on their mothers, but he couldn't shake the worry that some of their problems were passed on from him. Whenever the kids exhibited some negative trait, he fretted inwardly over whether it was something they got from him; so one of the kids is mentally ill, can I blame that all on the mother, or is that something that I need to be checked out for? Where there's fire, there's smoke...

Such thoughts were completely fizzled by the time he had finished his fifth drink. He nearly fell off the bar stool getting off it, and after tripping while trying to climb the stairs, and attracting a few guffaws from his humiliating drunkenness, he got into the elevator.

I just need a vacation more than I thought, he thought. I'm out of touch with my needs; there are things that I haven't done in a long time, needs that I've denied myself for too long...

While in the elevator, he began to feel queasy. The durian drink must have disagreed with him, or perhaps he just drank too much too fast. When he got onto the second story he stumbled into the nearest bathroom and blew purple vomit all over the closest urinal.

This is weird... I didn't drink anything purple. Bowser got out of the bathroom and searched for his room. Now which one was it... oh, that one, the number's on the key.

Bowser was so intoxicated that he had a hard time getting the key into the lock. He poked the lock feebly with the key, trying to stick it in sideways, then he finally got it in... upside-down.

"Any... any help with... this?" Bowser asked, turning around to see if somebody was present.

He saw, just exiting the door to the room next to his, a female dragon-Koopa completely shrouded in those desert garments that they made the women wear in some of those hot places. He knew it was a dragon-Koopa, though, from the way she moved and the form of her figure, or what could be seen of it anyway. Not a scale nor a spike was exposed; even her face was covered up, her eyes twinkling in the dark under the veil.

"Hello..." Bowser breathed. What little of his mind that hadn't drowned in inebriation was fast becoming lost to instinct. It had been ages, after all, since he had shared a bed with another of his own species; not since that last wife he still had before princess Peach had gotten to a certain age and Bowser had abandoned all efforts to continue building his family in pursuit of her. The wives of his harem had all either abandoned him or just disappeared or perhaps died for reasons he did not keep track of, though some of his kids still got to visit their mothers every now and then. The sight of this woman had nearly shocked him with the realization of what he had been missing for so long...

"I'm King Bowser... what's your name?"

The she-Koopa's eyes smiled and she kept silent.

"The quiet type eh? Just the way I like 'em." Amazingly, although he was too drunk to put his keys in the keyhole, he was not too drunk to charm with courtship banter, albeit in a sleazy, slurred manner.

The she-Koopa opened the door to her room and beckoned with her cloth-covered arm.

The room was exactly like Bowser's, except that the walls were completely vandalized with a graffitiesque mural. Bowser saw nothing but blurring colors, and then the lights were out.

Bowser plopped carapace-down over her bed. "You remind me of my... I think she was my fifth wife. She was a desert Koopa too..."

Bowser breathed a breath heavy with excitement when he felt an enormous and baggy garment drop to his side. She tossed off a few other bits of clothing, one of which landed over Bowser's face and covered his eyes. The lady of the night was now unveiled, and although Bowser could not see her, seconds later he could feel her, bare scales and all.

He imagined her to be dark-scaled, like his former wife that was a desert Koopa, although his wife had been much heavier. Bowser otherwise did not remember much of what his fifth wife had been like in bed; their marriage was short-lived, and for a very strange reason. He couldn't remember the reason at the moment; he actively repressed it, and vowed never to tell Morton, the child he had with her. Luckily, Morton was too thick to put the pieces together...

Bowser roared as his night with this seductress heated up, and when he was finished he slept like a baby by her side. He had sweet dreams of marrying her and starting off fresh with a new harem and new kids...

Bowser awoke to a lonely hotel bed. His dream was dashed. Gone. She had vanished.

But not without a trace...