...And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet, because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again… - Lucas Scott (One Tree Hill)

Sometimes the flashes of memories keep you awake, and it's all you can do to keep the panic down, and hope you don't wake Casey up, since you know he's bugged the room. And if you pull out your phone to see if you have a new email, it's no one's business but yours. And when the disappointment inevitably comes, you tramp it down because you need to sleep, to keep rested up for the new mission at hand.

And when Sarah comes to visit in the morning, you rub the sleep out of your eyes, and pretend that you didn't spend the whole night awake.

You end up eating breakfast with Sarah, and Ellie, and Devon, and it's nice, and for a moment, you can pretend everything is real. You're really dating Sarah, and this is just a normal work day, and it makes you ache for what could have been. Because Sarah's hands are too small, and her hair's too blonde, and she has lipstick where there should be stubble. You ache for Bryce, and you wonder where he is, and if he'll ever be back.

And when the email comes, your heart skips a beat, and you click on it with shaking fingers.

You read through it as quickly as you can, and you can breath again, because Bryce is safe, and Bryce is alive, and Bryce is coming home.

You can't tell anyone though, because as far as your sister knows, Bryce is dead, and you can't tell Sarah, because she wouldn't understand, and Casey would probably shoot him. So you keep it to yourself, and it burns bright within you, and you can sleep again with the promise of someday, and the inevitability of forever.

And it's the next day at work, when a man in a baseball cap approaches you, and he whispers your name, and you shudder in relief, because Bryce is home, and Bryce is safe. And you follow him out of the store, slipping past everybody, and down into Castle, and you feel like you can breathe again.

And Bryce's lips press against yours, and you sigh into it, and everything is perfect.

And then reality sets in, because Bryce is here, and you haven't seen him since you said goodbye. And you feel like you've spent half your life missing Bryce, and maybe you have because he hasn't been your Bryce in so long. You've spent years not having him in your life, and now he's here, and every kiss seems sweeter, and every touch more meaningful. And all your anger and hurt just sort of melts away.

And when you finally manage to stop kissing him, you just stand and stare at him, because that's all you can do

He cracks a joke about taking a picture.

And when you come back together, it's like no time at all has passed. Your body knows this dance, and you haven't performed it in so long, but you can still remember the steps.

And when it's all over, you just hold him, and he holds you, and you feel like your world has tilted back onto its axis.

Eventually you know you have to get back to work, because people are probably looking for you, so you kiss Bryce goodbye with a promise to come back to him.

And he adjusts your outfit, straightens your tie, and tries to tame the mess of curls on your head, and it feels overwhelmingly domestic and perfect.

You go back to work with a spring in your step. And if Casey looks at you rather weirdly, then that's just Casey's face.

And after work, you slip back down to castle, and creep along passageways looking for Bryce. And your heart breaks when you can't find him, only a note on the table in his handwriting, telling you he's sorry.

And your world slips back off it's axis.

And Sarah and Casey come stumbling back into Castle, looking for you, and you slip the note back into your pocket, and tell them you're fine. And if Sarah gives you a look, you push it to the back of your mind, because you're not prepared to deal with any of this.

So you go back home, and you collapse in your bed, on top of the covers, and try to forget that today even happened.

And you wonder if this is how it's always going to be.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life missing him.

You should have gone with him when you had the chance.

And then Ellie comes bursting into your room with a bowl of hot soup, and Sarah trailing behind with a box of tissues. Ellie tells you that Sarah told her you were feeling under the weather, and so she made you soup, and gives you strict orders to stay in bed. And then Ellie leaves, and it's just you and Sarah and somehow you know what's coming before she even says the words.

She knows that you love him.

And finally someone knows the truth, and it feels like a weight off your shoulders, and you can't help but spill out the truth, about college, and forever, and how this was supposed to be your someday. You and Bryce had plans, and maybe he didn't mean them, but you did, and Bryce is like a ghost that you can't shake.

And of course Sarah understands, because she had Bryce too.

And she tells you that even when they were together, she always felt like she was competing against someone. How it always felt like there was someone else in every touch, every kiss they shared. And now she knows it was you.

And so you sit together, and share in the misery of being the damage that Bryce left behind.

And somehow, life goes on. You and Sarah grow even closer, and she becomes your best friend besides Morgan, and you wish that you could love her the way that you both loved Bryce. You share in your grief and it's like losing Bryce all over again.

But maybe that's the way it was always supposed to be.

And your inbox remains empty.

And you start to wonder if maybe you had imagined the whole thing.

Another cruel trick of the universe.

But life goes on, and you fall back into the groove of saving the world, and game nights with Morgan, and family dinners with Ellie. And you go on dates with Sarah that don't mean anything, but it's the most normal you've felt in awhile, so you go with it. You even manage to form a tentative friendship with Casey. You're slowly rebuilding your life, and Ellie doesn't say anything, but you know that she's happy that you're trying to shake off your past. You don't have the heart to tell her that some nights you just lie awake in your bed, thinking about the past.

And you ignore the stab of jealousy in your chest when Ellie gets engaged. And you ignore the number of times that you've thought about this, dreamed about it, wished for it.

And you ache for Bryce, fingers tracing lines on a map, wondering where he could be.

You hope he's happy.

You wonder if he's even alive.

You just want to know why.

You visit his grave, the one with nothing in it, and you sit there for hours, missing him, talking to him, pretending that he's in there, because you don't know what else to do. Because if he's in his grave, then at least he won't forget you.

You wonder if you'll ever forget him.

You bring picnics sometimes, and spread the blanket across the grass, and you remember a time when Bryce's hand would have been entwined with yours. And sometimes it feels like it could be, a warm steady weight in your hand, squeezing your fingers as you watch the clouds float by.

And you miss him.

And then you feel guilty for missing him because Bryce made his choice, and you shouldn't always have to miss him.

You wonder if he misses you.

You ask Sarah if she misses him, and she smiles at you sadly, and says that she doesn't miss him as much as you.

You ask her how she stopped missing him.

She just smiles and holds your hand.

You think that in another life, one where Bryce never existed, you and Sarah could have been together. You tell her as much, and she reminds you that you never would have met without Bryce.

Just another thing you owe Bryce.

You're tired of owing Bryce.

And life goes on, as it always does, and you start to feel happy again, pushing Bryce to the back of your mind.

And you think it's a cruel joke when the emails start coming in again, just when you're starting to feel happy again.

You consider deleting them, finger hovering over the button.

Instead you ignore them, because you don't have the heart to lose that connection. So they sit in your inbox, unopened.

You tell yourself that you won't fall for it this time.

You wonder if this is how someone falls out of love, or at least the start of moving on.

You really shouldn't be surprised when Bryce shows up in your room. He always was a stubborn asshole.

You'll deny the yelp you let out till your dying day.

Bryce asks about the emails, and you feel like you should be angry. Because you've been through all this before, and doesn't he understand? Doesn't he get that you're trying to move on? You've given everything to Bryce. And he gave nothing back.

And yet, when you look at him, all your anger melts away. Because Bryce is here, and Bryce is alive.

You ask why he left.

He wishes he could have stayed. Dodging answers like he always does.

You wonder if it's going to always be like this, a constant push and pull.

You ask him as much, and he doesn't say anything. You tell him that you can't do it anymore, you won't do it anymore. You deserve better than that. You tell him that you're tired of missing him. He tells you that maybe you don't have to miss him anymore.

And it should surprise you that you fall into bed with him so easily.

But you manage to fall back together, holding onto each other, clinging to what you both have.

And it's like no time has passed at all.

Because you've known this face at eighteen, all bright eyed and full of wonder. And you know this face at twenty-one, all cold, and hard, and stony. And you know this face at twenty-five, broken and miserable, but still your Bryce.

He never stopped being yours.

And you're older now, and hopefully wiser, and maybe it'll be different this time.

And he whispers that he loves you.

And you love him too. You've never stopped loving him, and suddenly that becomes the most important thing in your world.

Because if you had stopped loving Bryce, then you wouldn't be Chuck anymore.

Because Chuck Bartowski was always meant to fall in love with Bryce Larkin. And Bryce Larkin was always meant to love Chuck Bartowski back.

It's inevitable. And it's forever.