"Saaaanji-kuuun, I have a liiitle favor to ask..."

"No."

"You didn't even listen to me!"

It was one of those rare days that Sanji found himself lounging around outside with nothing to do. Lunch was over and dinner was in the middle of defrosting. Luffy had gotten the idea that he wasn't about to get any pre-dinner snacks faster than usual. The girls were sitting content with the drinks he had lovingly prepared. The scent of the sea mingled tantalizingly with the taste of his smoke and there were no stormy clouds on the horizon.

So he was damned if he was going to waste this brief, perfect moment on whatever the shit Usopp was trying to rope him into.

"I'm begging you," said the aforementioned rope-er, managing to wriggle his way between Sanji and the railing. Sanji tried to keep his sight firm on the deep blue of the ocean. "You're the only one who can do this!"

Shit. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop seeing Usopp's damn desperate eyes in the corner of his vision. Sanji backed away and tried to lean on another fine piece of railing but Usopp scuttled continuously into view, each time with another piteous detail added to his face. Pouting lips. Quivering nose. Brimming tears. The works.

Sanji's sigh sounded like it was tumbling off a cliff of bad decisions. "...What do you want."

"You're a lifesaver! I really need someone to test this – "

"Goodbye."

"Wait! No! Come back! It'll be fun, I swear!" The unfortunate thing about someone who was really good at running away was that they were also really good at cutting in front. Usopp was, simultaneously, an inescapable escape artist. It was the most aggravating thing about him and as much as Sanji put up all efforts to shoot him down, he knew in the back of his mind that he would end up doing whatever idiot thing Usopp asked.

This particular idiot thing came in the form of wheeled boots. Usopp raised them up like a proud flag and let them clank noisily against each other. There were several heavy-looking clasps wound around, snapped tight, and attached to the backs were some sort of exhaust.

"Behold! The Usopp Rollers!"

"You put wheels on boots."

"These aren't just wheels on boots, moron! These are the latest in quick-escape technology!" Usopp sent the wheels rolling with a swipe of his hand, as though that would make the wheel-boots any more impressive. "It increases speed; agility; and yet it decreases the effort needed to achieve it. Not even a cheetah would be able to catch up! With these babies, you'll leave pesky pursuers in the dust (as long as you're on moderately smooth ground)!"

"Oh, so you invented something to help you run away."

"First of all, rude. Second of all, yes. In any case, after the...incident with the Usopp AaaAAaaaaAAaaa – " (Sanji cringed as Usopp went through the entire yell at full volume) " – I realized the need for proper testing before use on the field. Plus, I need multiple tests, just in case I miss something. So that's where you come in."

Damn. That actually made a lot of sense. Sanji forced smoke out of his nose with a disgruntled sigh, looking like a particularly temperamental boiler.

"Why me? Can't you just go bother Luffy with this shit? Someone who actually likes doing this stuff?"

"I wanna test them, not break them," Usopp shot back, and they both shared a wry laugh over the human disaster known as their captain. "And you've got small feet, like me. And, you're already graceful on your feet, so think about how cool you'll look on these! You'll glide like an eagle!"

"Fly like an eagle," Sanji said, rubbing out his cigarette on the heel of his shoe and tucking it behind his ear. Usopp scrunched his nose at that (an experience that could only be described as 'watching a miraculous combination of an elephant trunk and an accordion'), but said nothing further as Sanji took the Usopp Rollers from his arms. They were heavier than they looked, probably on account of the wheels and whatever the hell else was added, and Sanji plopped himself down to put them on.

"Uh, no. It's glide like an eagle. As in, you'll glide on these wheels like an eagle glides in the sky."

There were so many straps, all of them clipped tightly enough that they wouldn't come undone on their own. It was a weird feeling, like being much too snug in a bed except it was a bed for his feet. Sanji pulled them tight. "I'm pretty sure that people say eagles fly. Nobody admires them for their gliding ability, moron."

"Sanji, Sanji, Sanji. You're naive to the ways of the land – "

"I wasn't born on the sea, y'know – "

" – so I understand your confusion on all things land-based – "

"Eagles are mostly in the sky – "

" – but fear not, because Great Captain Usopp is a patient teacher, and he will be happy to impart unto you his worldly knowledge."

Sanji clamped the last strap tight and briefly hoped that it wouldn't cut off blood flow. "How about one thing at a time, huh?" he said casually, pushing himself up on his feet, which immediately rolled out from under him and left him slightly dazed on his back.

There was a moment of silence while the two let the past second catch up with them. And then Usopp clamped both hands over his mouth.

"Don't you dare," Sanji breathed from the floor.

"I'm not! I didn't say anything!" The sniper very noticeably moved back several steps, still covering his mouth. Once in a while, he'd let a few words escape in quick peeps. "Though I kinda expected – that, uh – you'd be, um – better..."

"How about you shut the hell – " Midway to standing up again, Sanji's foot slid out behind him and he had to settle for kneeling instead. Bracing a hand against the wooden floor, he shakily tested his weight on one of the skates. "How the shit are you supposed to stop the shitty rolling? Isn't there a way to brake?"

Usopp blinked. Slowly took out a notepad from his pocket. "B-r-a-k-e-s," he sounded out carefully as he wrote the word down.

If Sanji hadn't already thought to tuck his cigarette away, it would be falling out of his mouth.

"Are. You kidding me. How. How." Usopp was looking a little more guilty now, opting to hide behind his notepad this time. "You built this and tested it, and you didn't think about brakes?"

The long nose pointed to the left, suddenly more interested in the direction they were sailing. "Ahahaha, well, I mean, I haven't, tested them myself? Yet."

Sanji wondered if there was a word for when a mouth is already gaping but trying to gape harder. It was something that he thought was very relevant right now, as he fumbled his way to the side of the ship and tried to pull himself up with the support of the railing. "I'M THE FIRST TEST SUBJECT?! You're the one who built it and I'M – "

Sanji's rant was interrupted by his own incomprehensible angry noises and a very valiant effort to move forward with wheels for feet. He actually made very good progress by pushing himself off from the side of the ship, causing Usopp to shriek and run away. Ultimately, Sanji's downfall was turning, as well as actually trying to kick. As one of his legs swung up, the other leg had the equal and opposite reaction of swinging back and he ended up in an unintentional split. It was as impressive as it was painful.

Usopp ceased his flight as Sanji rolled on the floor and tried to kick off the Usopp Rollers fruitlessly before giving up and lying on his back like a frustrated seal.

"Usopp. Get these shitty things off me."

"Are you gonna kick me?"

"No, I'm not gonna kick you, just get your stupid-ass shit off my feet."

"I think you're lying about the kicking me part."

Sanji tried tearing at the straps with his spindly fingers, failed to do anything, and then made a guttural beastly sound in the back of his throat that he perfected through years of smoking. "Usopp, I swear to god, if you don't take these shitty things back right now I am gonna kick your ass so hard you'll only see it once a year, orbiting the world like a shitty comet."

"See, when you say things like that, it really doesn't convince me that you're not gonna kick me."

"You pile of putrid shit don't make me come over there."

Usopp continued standing a few, unreachable paces away. Sanji continued lying on the floor.

The Merry could have probably been set aflame with the intensity of his internal screaming.

"So, uh. I'll...be right back...with Z...orrr...Llluuuuu...Nnnnaaaaaa...? Someone. Who will protect me so you won't kill me as soon as I – "

"No," Sanji said, his voice too horrified to even be threatening. With wobbly legs, he started to stand, carefully jittering his way up to a stable upright position. He set his feet apart as though he was expecting to sumo wrestle, his arms tense even though they weren't very necessary for anything. His whole body quivered with the effort of keeping completely still. He could feel the ocean roll beneath, chuckling darkly at his precarious position. But he was, currently, upright.

Usopp stared at him. He stared back. He had to admit that he didn't think about what to do after this.

"What's all this noise?" said the last person he wanted to hear at this moment. Zoro rounded the corner with a face that couldn't be fixed even with a good wash. Not that he could see it right now, but that was a given fact at all times. "Stupid cook shouts too much..."

There was another moment of silence, during which Sanji imagined Zoro was spending looking like a dumbass. And then:

"...Do you really need to take a shit?"

"NO YOU ABSO – " The lapse in attention caused the Usopp Rollers to slip out of his control and Sanji was left spinning his legs wildly in place until he managed to somehow keep them under him. His face started to scrunch up, red with the pounding blood pumping in his head.

Another pause. Sanji heard Zoro's thuggish boots plod their way behind him, and then in front. The swordsman, hand to his chin, looked him up and down. And then his face split into the most terrible grin Sanji had ever seen. "Oh. I see..."

"Zoro, look...Sanji's already going to kill me...please don't make it worse...for my sake..."

"Everybody! Check this out!"

As the call invoked a flurry of activity around the ship and stampeding footfalls, Zoro leaned back and crossed his arm like a smug piece of shit. Usopp lowered his pleading hands and moaned, "Of course. Of course. Don't listen to Usopp. It's not your life on the line." Sanji continued screaming in his mind, only louder.

The first to arrive was heralded by the slap slap of cheap sandals and an almost instinctive, "Sanji! Meat!" It took only a few seconds for Luffy to realize that there might be something else almost as interesting as food going on, and he slid into Sanji's view with a barely-contained laugh. "Wow, Sanji! You sure look stupid!"

"Nothing new," Zoro added.

"What's going on?! Is it a monster? Or – uh. What's...going on?"

"Zoro, I told you, only call me when – pffffft oh my god."

"My my, is this what Mr. Long Nose and Mr. Cook get up to by themselves?"

Every sound of amusement stabbed deeper and deeper into Sanji's heart, his building resentment only able to express itself with his flaming glare and his shaking fists – because as much as he would really like to kick several faces in, like hell he was going to fall on his ass in front of the ladies.

"What're these things on his feet? Looks fun!"

"Those are the, uh, Usopp Rollers," said Usopp from the far side of the deck. He cringed when Sanji's eyes flicked towards him. "I'm, um, in the middle of, we're testing them, so, it's a secret test by the way, very dangerous, you guys probably shouldn't – "

"Oh, it's one of your secret weapons? So cool!"

"They just look like skates."

"Ex-cuse me, they aren't just skates!"

"All I'm saying is that I'm pretty sure I asked you to work on my Clima-Tact instead."

"I'm – I'm getting to it, don't rush me..."

"So what's this in the back?"

Zoro had circled Sanji once again and was in a position that Sanji absolutely didn't want him to be in. As much as seeing his goddamn piss-face was terrible and the worst, not seeing it was almost infuriating in how nerve-wracking it was. He couldn't even kick, damn that Usopp, and so all he could do was continue standing in an utterly ridiculous pose while his reputation took a dive into a volcano and melted into magma.

"Uh, that – that's...I...for extra speed, you see – Breath Dials, I mean. In the back? For extra speed."

"Oh?" said Zoro's voice, now much lower to the floor than before, and Sanji's whole body tensed with how extremely not good this was, holy shit. "So...you just press...these buttons?"

There was a click and a slight lurch as Sanji suddenly found himself being propelled by bursts of wind. Which, apparently, had all the power of a hairdryer, and about all the speed of growing hair. Usopp leapt out of the way of his path, straight into a hysterical Luffy and a chuckling Zoro and Robin said, "It isn't nice to tease him so," in that sort of, of...motherly way that was too embarrassing to even consider and this was absolutely the last straw.

"You shit-eating shithead green asshole I'm gonna – "

With a frantic clatter of wheels rolling against wood and another few curses for good measure, Sanji bumped into the far railing, tipped over, and fell into the ocean with a splash.

The rest of the crew leaned over to watch the bubbling (broiling?) water.

"Sh-shouldn't we...help him?"

"The cook's an idiot, but he knows how to swim," Zoro replied, still holding in another round of laughter.

"Guys...maybe...do you think you can hide me before he comes up again...I seriously think he's gonna kill me this time..."

"Well, that's what happens when you don't work on the things you promise to do."

"I said I'll get to it! You're not even paying me so don't even start!"

"Gosh, you sure are getting mouthy without Sanji-kun around. I wonder what he'd think if I told him what you said?"

"He's not coming up," said Robin.

Everybody peered over the railing again. The bubbles were coming up less frequently.

"H-he's drowning! Isn't he drowning?!"

"He fought a goddamn fishman underwater, he can't be drowning," Zoro shot back with a furrowed brow.

"Perhaps he decided to drown himself out of shame."

"He can't do that! I didn't give him permission!"

"Why would you even say that?!"

"Th-there's no way he'd do...that, I mean...that's just..."

The bubbles started to trail behind the ship and, entranced, the crew followed along, walking to the rear deck.

It was with a horrified mumble that Usopp said, "...The Usopp Roller's are pretty heavy...and I didn't build them with swimming in mind..."

It took a moment for those words to properly worm their way in to everybody's minds. Slowly, simultaneously, everybody's faces dropped.

"AAAAAAH! HE'S DROWNING! HE'S REALLY DROWNING!"

"SANJI STOP DROWNING! WHO'S GONNA COOK DINNER?!"

Splash splash

"Goddammit, those two idiots, Nami, Usopp, help me out here!"

"Robin, furl the sails, try to stop the ship! We can't let it drift too far away from them!"

"How was I supposed know he couldn't skate!?"

Splash splash splash