Isabella's POV

Each step was heavy and difficult to take as I silently contemplated my actions the night before, and what rift it may have created in an already twisted situation- I kissed Phineas. I saw him, looking as confused as me and I couldn't say no. It felt right and it felt wrong. It felt like he understood my turmoil and we found relief in each other. It felt like fire, a burning sensation if ever there was one. I just can't decide what kind of fire it was- a scorching, blistering one or the passionate, intense kind. I just wish it could have been an easy, blistering one- I wish I'd felt nothing but pain when looking at him. I wish he was the cold rain and the blisters, the one who laughed when I told him how I felt. Say it and maybe I could get over him.

But he didn't. He shared my troubled thoughts and I felt more for him than ever. And I acted on it and I didn't think- I didn't think about what it would bring into my world. I didn't need romance and I don't deserve happiness with somebody so kind. I deserve to be the victim, the one walked out on. I deserve to fall over and over again and then, I deserve to break apart by the impact, like I always do. I know they never actually loved me and, honestly, that's okay with me. I never loved anybody- it's a waste of time. I suppose we all just walk around, wasting our lives away then.

With similar thoughts haunting me, I tied a cream-colored shawl over my right hip to cover myself a tad more than with just my black, low-cut bathing suit as I made my way up to the main-deck. I roamed it for a while, just listening to the seagulls, children playing and light music echoing over the packed deck. As I let my gaze wander even further towards the back of the boat where few people stood, my eyes landed on the familiar green bow tied into thick, wavy hair black as charcoal. A smile formed on my lips as I silently walked up and put my hand on her shoulder.

As her head whipped around to meet me, my eyes saddened a great deal when confronted with her misty ones- and the way they artlessly didn't light up the slightest at the sight of their own daughter.

I understood then and there her years of misery- an absent, rude daughter who so often wanted nothing to do with her. I slammed the door when returning from school and she knew very well, just like always- I wouldn't sit down and discuss my day with her over a cup of tea. I was showered in gifts, as a last attempt from her in hope that I'd be giving her the love she needed and deserved so much more than anybody in this world could ever do. A hug, reciprocated with a sigh and crossed arms. An "I love you, bella" answered with a half-hearted love you too.

I understood then and there, what I'd put her through. Me, her only daughter from whom she was supposed to earn the strength and love to carry on with an exhausting day. Her daughter, who neglected her as if she was a shirt she'd grown tired of. She must have thought I almost enjoyed watching her break apart in slow-motion- and so, she did.

I slowly shook my head at her, feeling the tears burn my lids and my cheeks and leave a taste of salt in the corners of my mouth. Silently, I put my arms around her and pressed my face into her shoulder, crying with my mom like I used to do a long time ago. My beloved mom. It felt good to let it out with her, to let go of the anger and the sorrow I'd felt for so long. I need her- I need my mom. I'll always need her.

I shakily lifted my lips to her ear and whispered, almost inaudibly- but I know she heard me, "I'm so sorry…"

As my mom sighed and pulled me closer to her, stroking my hair in that loving way only a mother can- I knew I was forgiven. I know I didn't deserve it, and I know of the pain I'd caused her over the years- and I know that it's twisted, but despite all this, she still loves me like the day I was born. Years spent seeking the confirmation and false love of others, when all of the pure love I could ever need was right here, in her arms. I could laugh at the stupid irony.

Instead, I chose to stay in her arms and cry.

…. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. …... … ….

As the boat stopped by a dock in Bahamas, mom and I were the first people to leave it and receive our bungalow positioned in the ocean. We were also the first to sit down in the bar- me with a luxurious fruit-sundae and her with a Piña Colada. It was time to talk some things out, once and for all. So, I started talking.

"Mom… for the past few years I've completely lost myself and I know it. I've neglected you and I know I'll never make up for all that time, no matter how much I try. I know I can only try and be as good as I can from now on." I laughed and looked down in my sundae, stabbing the ice-cream with my straw, "But mom, I'm still young and I'm still dumb- I know as well as you do that I'm not done making stupid mistakes yet. But in the future… I hope that I can turn to you for help with those mistakes. I will need advice…" I look out towards the beach where I can see two read-heads enjoying a mother- and son stroll along the beautiful, white shore. "Heck, I need it even now…"

Lost in my thoughts for a moment, I miss the way my mom smiles knowingly in the direction of my gaze, and how she reaches for my hand. I snap out of my trance and look at our interlaced hands, then up at my mom's supportive smile.

"Isa, my darling. You don't need to apologize for anything; I understand how confusing your teenage-years are, especially when you only had me in your life after… you know. It's a time for the mom to slip away and let her child breathe on its own for the first time. I can understand why you've been this way throughout these last years… but Isa, I'm so grateful that it's over anyway. I missed you, my baby. "

She reaches up and caresses my cheek lovingly and I sigh, closing my eyes and leaning into her affection, thinking how grateful I am to have such an understanding mother.

"And I'll be forever grateful for that Phineas, who was the one to knock some sense into you."

My eyes snap open and I jerk away from her touch, surprised by what she'd just uttered. However, I only let it show for a split-second before looking away, cursing the blush that made its way onto my face.

"I don't know what you're talking about…"

My mom snorts rather unladylike, "Don't even play out that card, mija. Do you think it's a coincidence he shows up and all of a sudden, your whole personality changes? Do you actually believe that yourself?"

"No, but…"

"Isa, darling listen now. I've seen the way you look at him and I've seen the way you've looked at other guys- what you see in Phineas will last longer than what you've seen in those other boys, mija. What you might get to share with him will be something beautiful, something true. And that's all I want for you, darling. That's all you need- someone who makes you want to be something greater than yourself. Someone who makes you work harder to be better than the person you were yesterday. Not just some runaway girl who never learns."

Taking in my mother's words, I slowly bite down on my lower lip and look out towards the beach again- his face looks as lost and confused as it was yesterday night. And that's not what I want for him.

My mom squeezes my hand, bringing my attention back to her assured, encouraging eyes.

"I know you're afraid, mija. I know change is hard and confrontation about your problems even harder. But go, talk to him and see if it will help."

I look down at the table, an unsure smile forming on my lips- my mom is right. Maybe love was never made for me, and maybe all I'll get out of this is more experience with shit. But, I won't know if I don't do something other than fucking run away like I've done since the day I met Phineas.

I look up at my mom, my gaze set in determination. "You're right mom. But, if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna need that." And with that, I snatch her Piña Colada from her and down it quickly. What? I felt like it was necessary.

Mom's eyes widen and she quickly stands up, trying to reach for the drink. "Isa!"

…

The sun sets quickly across the horizon, bathing the ocean in its beautiful hues of blue, pink and orange. The sound of seagulls and jet skis guide the pace of my steps, each stride set in the sand with persistence and an intoxicated sense of confidence.

He sat on the very edge of the pier, looking out over the sunset as if he knew for certain he was in a cliché-movie. It didn't help me with my loss of words as each step brought me closer to him.

Slowly, silently and discreetly I sat down beside him, joining his watch over the ocean. Only a side-glance from him let me know that he'd seen me, before he returned to look at the calm waves crash against the shore. A sense of anticipation hung in the air, something like I'd been waiting for since the moment I met him- as if it was a fragment of destiny, impossible to avoid forever. I held my breath for a long time, feeling the tightening of my heart with each wordless second that passed.

And it was silent… until it wasn't.

"I know I've been acting confusing since the moment you met me. I wake up knowing that every day… not that it makes it any easier. Before you, I knew my life inside and out, and the role I played in others'. But when you came along, I knew you'd mess up that role with your own- you were brave and you spoke up against me. You knew what was going on was wrong and you actually spoke up against me, and I was astounded by it- by you. So much that I was frightened; that I tried avoiding you for the sake of my reputation and my position. But then, you were also so damn persistent- fate was so fucking persistent. It wanted me to listen to you and your delusive ideas. And so, I did."

I looked at Phineas, really looked at him- my eyes roamed his, went up to his forehead and down along his nose, the neutral corners of his emotionless lips. Then up to his eyes again. Taking a deep breath, I spoke up again;

"And I think I fell in love."

It felt like slow-motion, but I know it actually happened in the blink of an eye- Phineas' gaze snapped to me and his eyes widened in an alarming way. He looked at me, up and down- trying to find any trace of lies in my body-language. I knew for certain he wouldn't. Not now, that I'd finally figured everything out myself.

A few excruciating seconds that felt like years passed by as he continued to judge me with those burning looks- it made me feel so incredibly exposed, even though I knew I had nothing to hide. But I had everything to confess and atone for, and I was aware of it. Afraid of it, so much that I winced when he opened his mouth and started speaking, his voice alarmingly cold;

"…All I wanted to care about was to get you out of my head the moment I realized where my heart was taking me. I wanted to care about you, lying awake at night as the rain softly beat against your window and you couldn't get it out of your head how horrible you were; what pain you caused other people. Care about you, feeling the heat of the burning coal you were forced to walk upon. To see you cry the way you made me cry. To watch in slow-motion as you broke apart inside."

His words hurt more than I'd like to admit. So, I won't.

His gaze softened into something hurt, something devastated as he looked directly into my eyes.

"But I couldn't care about all that, no matter how much I wanted to. All I could care about was you. All I could want was you. I wanted to feel your arms around me, even though I knew I'd have to leave them- even though I knew that if I loved you, you'd leave me and if you left me, I'd love you. I wanted you to feel the love you're capable of yourself, I wanted to make you soar, high above the trees' crowns. I wanted all that for you, no matter how much I tried telling myself otherwise. I fell in love with your monster, because I knew you had the potential of becoming something better. I was thinking, if I could love you at your worst, you'd be my world at your best, and I would go anywhere for you. I just want you, Isabella. I want you for you, no matter who that is anymore. I fell in love."

…

Neither of us had much to say. There wasn't much you could say after such a confession. There wasn't much you could feel- nothing but a bond stronger than everything and an understanding deeper than the very ends of space. Nothing but strong hands weaving their way through hair black as coal and down along a slender, burning body. Nothing but lips, hot and heavy against each other as they whispered to each other love too great for words. Nothing but the heat- and the ocean breezes of a Caribbean night.