Rating: T

Warnings: Mentions of porn, language, death threats, Anko, etc.

Word Count: ~2200 this chapter, ~14k overall (complete)

Pairings: None mentioned

Notes: Because my twin wanted an unsuspecting Kakashi's POV on a Naruto trained/raised by Anko and Orochimaru, and I can never say no to him. There's a bunch of notes on this AU at the end, because though I plan to write more one-shots in this verse, I figured I should clarify some things first, since they didn't come up in the actual story.

Omake: That Poor, Beleaguered Victim

They should have given Itachi or Shisui this team, Kakashi thinks bleakly as he approaches the classroom door—late, of course. By over two hours, unless he misses his guess. Not that the last half an hour was entirely his fault—Anko had all but tackled him, giggling in the way that usually means she's been gleefully torturing some poor soul, and then cheerfully interrogated him about his new team.

Kakashi still isn't quite sure what that was about. He can't understand her interest—he got the top three students in the year, yes, but even though one of them is Minato's son and the other is Fugaku's, they're fairly lackluster. There's no thread to hold them together, no interaction as a team that he's been able to pick out from their records. Sasuke is a quiet, dutiful second son, but barely a shadow compared to his genius brother's sun. Sakura is brilliant at bookwork, but suffering from a bit of an inferiority complex and a need to prove herself against the clan heirs. Naruto seems to spend most of his time pranking people in various creative and wicked ways and then hiding from any retribution in places not even ANBU can find.

Though, if he remembers correctly, he's friendly with Anko, in an antagonistic sibling-ish sort of way. Maybe that's why she wanted to know.

He slides open the classroom door, halfheartedly wishing he could just hold the bell test today, fail them all, and then find a comfy tree in which to read his book.

The suddenly hail of weaponry is an unpleasant surprise.

Because Kakashi is an experienced jounin and has a Sharingan eye, he doesn't get caught in a trap put together by three genin. He throws himself to the floor just in time, feeling a low-flying shuriken skim his scalp and draw blood, and then automatically rolls out of the way of the innocuous eraser that ends the attack, dropping to the floor where he'd been lying with a light, taunting thump.

Kakashi looks up at his new team—bookworm, second son, prankster—to find Sasuke looking skeptical, Sakura seemingly torn between elation that the trap worked and horror that they nearly killed their teacher, and Naruto beaming in a way that is unnervingly similar to Anko.

"First impression," he says blandly, rising to his feet and brushing down his vest. "I loathe you all."

The three look entirely unrepentant.

A trickle of blood drips into his eye, and Kakashi wipes it away and prays to any merciful deities that might be listening to give him patience. "Rooftop," he orders, and makes use of a shunshin. He's not spending one second longer around these little monsters than he has to.

"So, introductions," he says once they've all assembled, sounding far more cheery than he actually feels. "How about sharing your likes, dislikes, dreams for the future, hobbies, things like that."

There's a moment of silence as the three trade glances, and he's not sure if that's a good sign or not. On the one hand, if they can unite in the face of a common cause—and that trap they laid says that they can—that means they have at least a chance of passing the bell test.

On the other hand, that means they have at least a chance of passing the bell test, and Kakashi will be stuck with them until he can manage to boot them through the Chuunin Exams.

"Why don't you go first?" Sakura says. She hesitates, but a glance at her companions gives her the guts to add warily, "You look kinda suspicious."

Why did Kakashi agree to do this again?

(Oh yeah, the Hokage hadn't given him a choice.)

Pasting an entirely fake smile to his face, Kakashi hums. "Oh, me? Well, my name is Hatake Kakashi. I have no desire to tell you my likes or dislikes. Dreams for the future? Hm. And hobbies…I have those." Specifically reading his Icha Icha, which he's going to return to just as soon as he can fail these little ankle-biters and forget this whole day ever happened.

"He's former ANBU. People call him the Copy-Nin because he's got a Sharingan eye," Naruto pipes up unexpectedly, and that grin is a promise of mayhem. "He's a complete pervert who reads porn in public. And he screams like a little girl if you put venomous snakes in his shower."

Definitely too much time spent hanging around Anko.

"That was you?" Kakashi demands, barely resisting the urge to twitch at the memory.

The innocent look he gets in response is ridiculously convincing, but Kakashi has the scalp wound to prove it's a filthy lie. "I never said that!" Naruto protests, and he actually manages to sound hurt at the accusation. "I'd never do such a thing, Hatake-san!"

He stares narrowly at the wide-eyed blond for a long moment, then gives up on getting a confession for now, and grits out, "Okay, now it's your turn. Let's start on the right."

Naruto beams at him, his play at innocence abandoned with the change in topic. "Yosh! My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen, Anko-nee, playing ninja tag, and my sensei. I dislike studying, waiting the three minutes for ramen to cook, and people who call other people monsters. And my dream…" He grins, reaching up to straighten his hitai-ate. "My dream is to surpass the Hokage, and make the people of this village acknowledge the existence of me and my sensei!"

Kakashi has a sinking feeling that Naruto isn't talking about him.

"Hobbies…pranks, I guess," Naruto adds with a shrug. "And ninja tag with my sensei, because he's awesome!"

No, definitely not talking about him. But the leaves the question of just who it could be. Kakashi silently curses himself for avoiding Minato's son for so long, no matter how it felt he had to at the time.

Sasuke glances at Naruto, making sure he's done, and then says quietly, "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I like training with my brother, tomatoes, and succeeding. I dislike failing, fangirls, and when people compare me to Itachi. My dream is to become strong enough to make people recognize me in my own right. My hobby is training."

So it's not just the bookworm who has an inferiority complex. That will bear watching…whenever Kakashi can spare an eye from watching his own back, given how Naruto has already pranked him twice and probably won't stop there.

"And I'm Haruno Sakura," the girl offers, squaring her shoulders. "I like my best friend Ino and learning new things. I dislike…um, spicy food? My dream is to be a strong medic-nin, and my hobbies are playing trivia games and memorizing medical information."

It could probably be worse, Kakashi thinks as he passes on the information about the bell test. He's fairly certain it could. He just can't think how. They really, really should have given this team to Shisui. Even Tenzō would have been a better choice. Kakashi hates children. Especially these children.

And then Naruto sticks his head over the side of the building, completely ignoring Kakashi's dire warning not to eat breakfast tomorrow, and cries excitedly, "Hey, sensei! Hey, ugly! I got my jounin instructor with that weapon-launcher trap!"

Kakashi blinks, but before he can drag Naruto's attention back to his instructions—or just drag him back by the collar, at this point he's not too picky—there's a faint flicker of chakra, and an instant later Anko comes bounding over the edge of the roof with a snarl of bloodthirsty rage, kunai out and already slashing towards Naruto's throat.

With the ease of long practice, Naruto rolls back out of the way, bounces to his feet, and sticks his tongue out at the woman bearing down on him. "What?" he taunts. "Are you mad because I told the truth, ugly?"

Three shuriken slam into the concrete with enough force to bury themselves completely, right where Naruto was standing. He's already gone, though, bolting for the cover of the trees growing on the rooftop. Anko screeches and follows him, shouting, "Get your scrawny ass back here, brat, and let me cut out your stupid lying tongue! I'll cut off your dick while I'm at it, too! Argh! Stop dodging, you little piece of—"

"I apologize for interrupting your orientation, Hatake," a smooth, cool voice puts in, and Kakashi tears his gaze away from the spectacle of a tokubetsu jounin trying—and failing—to kill a genin to find Konoha's own murderous Snake Sannin standing by the railing. He's watching Anko and Naruto, smirking faintly in what might be either bloodlust or amusement, but the expression in his eyes…

If he were someone else, Kakashi might even call it "fond".

He studies the Sannin for a moment, eye flickering down to take in the thick black markings wrapped around pale hands, and then glances back at the duo of mass destruction, still at each other's throats.

"Ninja tag?" he asks dryly.

Orochimaru's smirk deepens, and he inclines his head just slightly. "Their favorite," he returns, mild as milk, and then steps forward. A flicker of movement, just this side of too fast to see, and Kakashi had forgotten that even with only the bare minimum of chakra the Sannin is a dangerous man. He catches Naruto by the ear, twists in a blur to grab Anko's ponytail and block her kunai, and then says sharply, "Enough."

Both Anko and Naruto freeze instantly, expressions immediately shading towards sheepish.

The Sannin gives them one more moment to be sure they're behaving themselves, then steps back. "Comportment," he reminds them both, crossing his arms. "Anko, you have a mission. Naruto…" He trails off, regarding the boy with a raised brow.

Naruto grins back like it's a compliment, and salutes the man cheerfully. "One step closer to my promise, sensei!" he announces. "I'm gonna beat the pervert's test tomorrow, believe it!"

That brow goes up again, quirks, and then returns to normal. Orochimaru snorts softly, reaches over, and drops a black-marked hand on top of Naruto's head. Expression tightening, Naruto stares at the seals visible on Orochimaru's arm for half a heartbeat, and then his grin comes back brighter than ever. Orochimaru just shakes his head in response.

"Whatever you're planning, don't get caught," is all he says, and in that moment Kakashi truly knows the meaning of despair.

Random notes:

- For the timeline, Orochimaru's experiments were discovered during a second attempt to inject babies with the Shodaime's cells (after Tenzō), one year before Minato became Hokage.

- When it was discovered, Danzo went down in flames with him, because he was the one who authorized it behind Sarutobi's back and provided the subjects.

- Because of Danzo's exile/imprisonment, the Uchiha were able to assist the rest of the village in holding off the Kyuubi. There was no Massacre, because with the lack of hostility towards the Uchiha there was no attempted coup.

- Naruto was spending the night with Sarutobi at the Hokage's Mansion in the first part because his apartment had been ransacked by stupid and reckless teenage villagers. Sarutobi and Jiraiya were not pleased.

- Of interest: Orochimaru, Anko, and Naruto are all born in October, on the 27th, the 24th, and the 10th respectively. Naruto and Orochimaru also share a blood type.

- Kabuto is around, still has Nonō, and is loyal to Orochimaru; he simply didn't feature here.

- Tenzō is also around, and has Mokuton. His relationship with Orochimaru is complicated, but mostly cordial, because Orochimaru is the only one who knows down to a cellular level exactly who and what he is.

- There are several Uchiha in Naruto's Academy class. Sakura has interacted with them, and even though Sasuke is the Clan Head's son, he's a moody bastard and the others are much nicer. She's not a fangirl, and while she and Ino are still rivals, they're also best friends.

- Yes, Naruto did end up kissing Shikamaru. Make of that what you will.