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i've failed over and over again in my life.

and that is why i succeed.

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Since Kei's previous birthday present had been given in early morning (and had not been received very well), Sayako decides on giving the headphones to him in the afternoon.

She's put it inside a box and used plain blue gift wrap with a simple bow on top. And she's decorated the entire outside of the box with dinosaur stickers: T-rexes, pterodactyls, brachiosauruses,and many various others. Sayako's favourite part, however, is the little stegosaurus she'd put on the head strap. It's hidden where the earpad overlaps with the strap, so even if Kei doesn't like it, no one can see the little stegosaurus head peeking out unless they look really hard.

Nervously, she enters Kei's room, the box hidden behind her back.

He's hunched over his notebook, eyes narrowed with concentration.

"Knock," he says.

"Don't sit like that or you'll break your back," she says on reflex.

"What is it?" He turns, annoyed.

"I just wanted to say happy birthday," Sayako replies, sitting down on his bed. "And I got you a present."

"Didn't I say you didn't have to buy anything?"

If possible, Kei looks even more irritated.

"Open it, Kei."

"Fine."

He opens it, his glasses slipping slightly down his nose.

Adjusting it, he reaches in and pulls out the headphones.

Sayako's eyes shine.

"Do you like it?" she says. "It took me so long to save up the money for them, but I finally bought them yesterday. Well? Are you going to try them out?"

She stares eagerly at him and Kei shifts uncomfortably

"Ah," he says. "It's just that I - "

He reaches into his schoolbag and takes out another pair of headphones: black with the logo printed in blue.

"They had a discount yesterday," he says.

The air is so quiet Sayako is pretty sure even her mom downstairs can hear her heart shatter into a thousand million pieces. Even Kei, who usually gives her a sour look and a snide word, doesn't say anything.

Sayako tries desperately not to burst into tears on the spot. She clears her throat.

"Yeah. Okay. I'll - I'll be going now," she chokes, trying to keep her face blank. "I - Okay. Well. Bye."

She sprints out, her chest hurting like hell. She doesn't stop when she stumbles over something on the ground. She doesn't stop when she slams straight into her mother, who exclaims, "What's wrong, Sayako?". She doesn't even stop until she reaches her room, where she flies into her bed, screaming into her pillow a billion inaudible curses.

"Why do I try so hard anyways?" she thinks, when her eyes finally start to hurt. "Why don't I just give up already? Megumi was right. It's not worth the effort."

She stares at her expression in the dresser mirror, and can't help but laugh.

Her eyes are swollen and red, and her face has marks from the pillow. Her nose is running, and there's no sign of the hopeful Sayako who had always hoped Kei would at least give her a supportive word once in a while.

"You look pathetic," she says to herself, touching her reflection in the mirror.

"Well, that's that," she concludes as she puts her hair up in a ponytail, like she always does before a volleyball match. "There's no crying over spilt milk."

She rinses her face with water and wipes at her eyes carefully.

But even though she smiles at the table ("Don't worry, Mom, it wasn't anything much!") and makes lively conversation with Kei, there's still a dull ache that won't go away no matter how much she smiles.

.

.

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"That's horrible!"

Megumi looks absolutely disgusted.

"What's wrong with him? You put so much heart into caring for him, and he acts like such a jerk! Honestly, Sayako, you need to protect yourself! If you continue being nice to him no matter how badly he treats you, you're going to get hurt one day!"

"It wasn't his fault," Sayako says patiently. "I was just being stupid."

"And don't give me that! You did what every other sister would've done!"

"At any rate," Sayako sighs. "It's almost the end of our third year. What high school are you planning to attend next year?"

"Don't change the subject!"

Megumi grabs Sayako's arm.

"As your best friend, I need to be honest with you. And the thing is, you can't pretend he's an innocent little boy forever, you know? If you give up, no one'll blame you."

"That's not the point." Sayako looks out the window, pulling at her skirt. "I'm not giving up, okay? Hard work always pays off. I'm going to continue doing my best, Megumi. I'm not letting the past affect the present."

Megumi sits down.

"You'll go for it no matter what I say," she says wearily. "Don't push yourself too hard. And if that cold-blooded amphibian dares make you cry again, I'll make him pay!"

Sayako can only smile at that.

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Tempers are short and nerves are frayed. Kei's just finishing up entrance exams for Karasuno, and he is extremely ill-tempered.

"Hey, are you okay?" Sayako says anxiously, sitting down. "You're studying way too much, Kei. You haven't slept well for a month, and you never eat your meals at the table anymore."

"I'm fine," he mutters, eyes glued to the notebook. His pencil never stops moving, never stops spitting out note after note.

"Are you sure? Seriously, are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Don't forget to drink lots of water, or you'll get dehydrated. And if you get hungry, come downstairs. Oh, and if you need any help with your Science, I can definitely lend a hand. Or if you think some question's hard. Do you want me to bring dinner to you? Or tutor you tomorrow? Maybe bring you to a restaurant to rest? Oh, I know! What about - "

Kei snaps right then and there.

"Just leave me alone, would you?" he snarls, standing up. His pencil falls to the ground with a clatter. "Can't you see I'm busy? I've got stuff to do. And you're not really my sister, anyways, so mind your own business!"

Sayako swallows thickly, backing away as Kei pants, out of breath. His hands are clenched by his sides, and he's breathing in short, quick puffs. His amber eyes glare heatedly at her, filled with an emotion she'd never ever wanted to see directed at her -

Hatred.

She'd thought it hurt when he'd rejected the dinosaur stuffy. She'd thought it was the worst when he'd shown her the headphones he'd already bought. But this was nothing compared to now. Sayako was disgusted with herself - she was running away again, she realizes as she races out of his room and down the stairs and out of the house.

Why do you even bother?

The wind whips her hair around her face, strands stinging her cheeks.

She keeps running.

Honestly. It's a lost cause, Haruno-san!

She sprints as hard as she can, faster than a car, faster than a plane, faster faster faster -

I saw him going home after class. Are you sure he said he was going to come?

Hot, bitter tears dot her clean white blouse, and she doesn't care.

She just can't make herself care anymore.

Yeah, but I'm just saying. Is he really worth the effort? I can see every day that you get hurt from what he says to you all the time.

"Wait! Haruno-san!"

Kei runs out of the house, not even bothering to lace up his shoes properly.

"Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"

Even though he's rude, cold-hearted, selfish, arrogant, bossy, annoying, and without conscience?

"Wait!"

She runs faster.

Faster.

Sayako doesn't need pity.

She doesn't need affection.

She doesn't need anything anymore.

What's wrong with him? You put so much heart into caring for him, and he acts like such a jerk!

He grabs her arm and she shakes him off violently.

"I give up!" she screams. "I've had it! I tried so hard, so hard, but it's never going to make a difference is it? Is it?"

He stops right in his tracks.

"Haruno-san," he says hesitantly.

"Shut up! Shut up!"

Honestly, Sayako, you need to protect yourself! If you continue being nice to him no matter how badly he treats you, you're going to get hurt one day!

She turns away.

Her entire body hurts now. It's not just her heart. She wants to scream, to shout, to yell -

But all she can do is cry.

And it's pathetic.

She thought she could do it. Be a big sister. Be a best friend. Be a confidante. Be the person Kei would go to for help, for love, for support.

She's not enough.

She'll never be enough.

And then she looks back at Kei, who looks genuinely concerned, and she sees dark blue glasses and blonde hair and amber eyes and reaching hands.

She hears questions and exclamations and the sound of two pairs of feet running towards and away from each other and the sound of tires and a flash of red -

And in that one moment, she breaks.

She doesn't want to run anymore. She doesn't want to reach for something and get so close and turn away when it's finally within arm's reach. She doesn't want to spend nights crying and days pretending to smile anymore.

She's had enough.

"I take it all back! I'm sorry!" she screams, her voice hoarse. "I'm not giving up - I'll never give up on you - "

Time seems to slow as the car barrels across the road. Sayako lunges for Kei, hours and hours of spiking practice giving her the strength to shove him off the street and onto the sidewalk. Brown hair flying, shoes no longer thudding across the pavement, crisp white shirt giving birth to red flowers.

And she finally knows now that she's done the right thing.

It's a flashing, agonizing sort of pain that wracks her from the core. She can't move, and all she can see is blue sky, until faces crowd above her, concerned mothers and curious children and horrified expressions, terrified expressions, sympathetic expressions.

"Call the ambulance! Call the ambulance!" someone shouts.

Sayako's crying now - again - but it doesn't feel weak and pathetic anymore. She's crying happy tears, relieved tears. Kei's going to be all right.

"Sayako-nee-chan!" a very familiar voice penetrates her ears.

She closes her eyes, her heart filling up with warmth.

"Do you know how long I've waited to hear that?" she says, wiping her eyes.

"Are you crazy? You stupid, idiotic, brainless," Kei rants, furious. "Why are you so dumb? Can't you think for once?"

She smiles. Even though he's shouting at the top of his lungs, she can see torrents of tears running down Kei's cheeks, warm against her skin. His expression is full of complete shock and pain.

"You're the stupid one," she replies. "And besides, you're crying, if you hadn't noticed."

"Shut up. Of course I am."

Sayako dimly realizes something.

"Hey, you've gotten taller again," she says, her voice hitching. It's beginning to hurt when she talks. "So you did take my advice and sleep early, huh? How tall are you now?"

"About 179," he says.

"My baby brother finally grew up," Sayako grins. She doesn't bother stopping the tears now. "I love you, you know that?"

"Of course I know!"

She reaches for his hand, squeezing it tightly.

"If you've got that much strength, you're definitely going to survive," Kei laughs shakily.

"No," she says. The pain is beginning to numb over, and she can't feel her legs anymore. "I'd really love to, but I can't breathe anymore."

"You have to try!" Kei clutches her hand like it's his lifeline. It's so not him that Sayako's tempted to laugh. He looks like a lost puppy. "I don't want you to die," he says.

"I don't want to die either," she croaks. "But anyways, I'm happy you're fine."

"I don't care about me!"

"Tell me, Kei," she says, coughing. "Did you - Do you hate me?"

Kei looks shocked, then he recovers.

"No," he says quietly. "Never."

The numbness is beginning to spread from her legs to her stomach now.

"Was I… a good sister?"

He's crying again, and gripping her hand so hard her knuckles turn white.

"Yes," he replies. "The best I could've asked for."

Now she can't feel her upper torso anymore.

"I only have two regrets, you know," Sayako tells Kei. "First, that I didn't get to show you my all-powerful spike, and second, that I didn't get to know you better."

Her shoulders and arms tingle, and her grip loosens on Kei's hand. It's not unpleasant, really. The hollow fear that had taken hold of her just now has already dissolved. She thinks she can hear sirens coming closer, the frantic whine of the ambulance growing louder and louder.

"Stop crying, you wimp." With the very last of her strength, Sayako pulls Kei toward her and pinches his cheek. "It's not too bad, you know."

"How can dying not be too bad?" Kei demands.

She can't feel anything anymore now. It's all... nothingness, in a sense.

"Your strawberry shortcake," Kei says.

"Hm? What about it?"

She coughs again, and this time she can taste blood.

"I ate all of it."

"You did?" Sayako sighs. "I'm glad."

Everything before her is gradually blurring and fading, as if someone's erasing the world.

"One last thing, Kei," she rasps.

"Anything."

Kei looks desperate, and Sayako manages one final smile.

"Call me onee-chan again, would you?"

"Okay."

"And don't say goodbye. I extremely dislike goodbyes. Promise you'll take care of Hotaru?"

"Yeah. Is 'see you later' fine with you?"

"It's good enough."

"Then see you later, Sayako-onee-chan," Kei whispers.

Her eyes close, Sayako's smile never leaving her face.

"Thanks."

And Kei clutches her cold body to his chest, not caring who sees or hears him, and screams into the still-blazing blue sky until his throat gives out and he can't make another sound.

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They cry, of course.

Mom and Dad and the rest of the relatives - his relatives. The teachers, the volleyball team, the students. They all cry, because everyone knows Haruno Sayako, who volunteers and cheers up and encourages; tall, brown-haired, stubborn Sayako; hard-working, optimistic, bright-eyed Sayako.

Megumi cries, as well.

"I don't blame you," she eventually tells Kei. "You already know that I didn't like you at all. But Sayako did, and she was right. You're not as bad as you act."

She sighs.

"How much does it hurt?"

A simple question.

"A lot," Kei answers, and turns away.

"I heard you cried at the funeral."

He looked back, hand clutching his glasses.

"I did."

Kei asked his mom if he could have all the dinosaur figurines and stuffed animals that Sayako had, and she says of course you can. He puts Hotaru on his desk and puts away the headphones he bought. Taking out his present again, he pulls out Sayako's headphones, the ones she'd saved up her money to buy.

His eye catches a small green dot and he stares at it.

The little stegosaurus sticker's head stares back at him and he slams the headphones back down, roughly shoving his arm into his face.

He doesn't let anyone see him cry.

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When the Karasuno volleyball team gets a new coach, Kei's eyes cloud over, and Ukai-san looks startled.

But he soon regains his composure and gives Kei a nod.

He nods back.

"I miss her too, you know," says Ukai-san.

.

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He sees her in everything.

The way Hinata strives to make up for his height. The way Kageyama's mouth straightens in a firm, determined line. The way Yamaguchi smiles sheepishly.

When Sugawara says something encouraging. When Tanaka has a passionate outburst. When Daichi's eyes narrow in concentration. When Asahi laughs. When all they can see in Nishinoya is faith - in the team, in himself, in their ability to do their best.

He sees her and it hurts, because she's not really there, and she's never coming back, and why doesn't the pain go away?

But it's kind of a good thing, sometimes, he tells himself.

He touches the stegosaurus sticker on his headphones, strokes the top of Hotaru's head, tosses Sayako's old volleyball in the air.

Everything around him makes him realize that she never really left. She's not really gone forever. She's still with him, and for Kei -

For Kei, that's enough.