Saph's PoV

With my eyes closed, I focused on the breathing of the peaceful Levi next to me. Well, not next to me but a few feet away. Sequestered together in the same room for the night, our twin beds were on opposite sides of the room. He wasn't asleep, but I could tell that he was on the edge of unconsciousness which is as much rest as the man gets.

"You always do this," he murmured, slowly turning to angle himself towards me. "There's no need for you to be on guard."

I tried to deepen my breathing, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his words. "We just recently got kidnapped, and you want me to relax when you're falling asleep?"

One of his eyelids fluttered open to peer at me. "The entire Survey Corps is around us. You can also turn into a Titan, shithead."

Glaring at him, I sat up slightly in order to put my pillow up and lamp on. "What do you think Hanji is going to make Eren and I do tomorrow?"

"Well she probably won't stab you guys in the eyeballs like she does with the other Titans."

My hands rested motionless by my side, and I realized that I was scared of the dark. Of being vulnerable to what lurked beneath what I didn't want to see in the first place. It wasn't an exact replica as to the night seething that the Underground infested my young life with. This discomfort fucked with my mind because that's where it all existed. That now thing. That piece of me that's a Titan or monster. Either works. It's existence permeated not just my entire being but every movement, thought, and emotion. How could I carry this along with me? I wasn't a hero. "You'd be better at this than me."

"Than what? Being a Titan?" Levi finally lifted himself up slightly so that he rested on his elbow. A straight, direct, and piercing gaze that both stimulated and comforted me in the state of fear that I was in. "You're scared."

I didn't need to slip any words into the space after his statement. Glancing at my hands, I choked on how that fear didn't all rest in the future but now. What it meant for him to be right there and for me to be right here.

"I am too."

My eyes widened. "You?"

"People I care about die when I make the wrong decision. You're important, Saph."

I scoffed at him, "I've always been important."

"You've always been a valuable mostly troublesome soldier, shit. Now, the whole of humanity rests in one of you having the capability to close the hole in the Wall."

"So you'll protect me?" I teased, desperate for him to say something that would ease the tension in my chest.

"I've always protected you," he grumbled

The grin that had brushed my lips with my comment disappeared when his declaration slowly sunk in. I wanted to crawl into his bed and wrap my arms around to lightly trace his shoulder blades as I cradled him. To give him a moment of peace that has never existed for him. "Maybe… one day… we could do absolutely nothing but enjoy ourselves."

"How?"

"Read? Like stories. Go on a walk and then eat food that you packed?"

"Are you talking about a picnic?"

I wrinkled my nose, I hadn't thought of that specific word. "Yeah. I guess. But I'd have to make sure that sweets were in the basket. I love cookies."

"That's what you'd do? Make us have a picnic."

I clicked my tongue. "I wouldn't make you do anything. I'd let you have a picnic with me. Besides, being outdoors with the sun shining and a slight breeze is something I remember not having. What would-. Nevermind."

"What?"

"I was going to ask what you'd do and then I realized that it'd be too clean."

"No."

I sat up, matching Levi's position as I turned my knees in order to face him. "What do you mean no?"

"The place would already be clean. I'd drink tea."

"Is that it? You could drink tea on a picnic so I don't know why you were so grumpy about my idea."

Levi finally lifted his head in order to look at me. "I'd want to hear everyone moving about the house."

Staring at my hands folded in my lap, I let his words sink in. Everyone meaning Petra, Rose, Farlan, and so many others. To have their presence blessed back into our life and routine. When we spent so many moments with them. "Do you think you'll ever be able to find peace?"

"Do you?"

"I don't think I deserve it."

"And you think I do?"

"You're Humanity's Strongest Soldier," I whispered, "you have to find a way through this." I smiled gently, "Besides, I can protect you now."

"Ha!"

"What?"

"I could slice you to pieces. You can't fight. I'd bet most Titans could kick your ass, even Eren could beat the shit out of you."

My jaw was almost in my lap as he chuckled with every derisive comment about my killing capabilities. "Excuse me? How many people do you think I've killed? I may not have the Titan kill count that you have, sir, but I can hold my own."

"You would have been beaten if-"

"That's not fair! I was trying to protect you, and I was not only weakened but confused." Hurt radiated within my chest making my tightened fist shake. I didn't know that confessing my feelings of fear would lead to this.

Levi paused, his posture shifted as he caught sight of my glistening eyes. "I'm just reminding you that you need us as much as we need you. Nobody is going to survive this by thinking of themselves."

"You don't think I know that by now? Why do you think I'm still here? I killed my little brother, Levi. I feel as connected here to my parents as I did in the Underground. If I didn't feel some sort of purpose here I would have left a long time ago. I didn't sign up for this shit that night when Erwin offered for us to be a part of the Survey Corps. You say people die when you make the wrong decisions? I killed Suzu," the last part made me wince harder than I believed possible. It'd been so long since I said his name out loud.

Levi fell silent. We were both sitting straight up in our beds at this point with the lights on. It reminded me of so many instances when we were stuck together for weeks in that dungeon with nothing to do but talk. A teasing moment of softness would develop after a bit of silence only to be snatched by him distancing and creating space between us. What made Petra so special that he wouldn't put his guard up against? He'd insult me so I wouldn't want to talk to him anymore. Time would slowly tick by until one of us offered some words to say.

My frustration at having him right there and being unable to much less do but say anything about my feelings left my emotions tipping between frustration and despair. Suddenly I remembered the conversation I had with Oluo and Leon about why he loved Petra. You're in love with Petra because she is beautiful and a good person. My own words came back to haunt me.

"Don't pretend you care about anything other than avenging your brother and slaughtering anyone in your way."

"I'm not going to lie and say that if you put Kenny in front of me, I wouldn't take great pleasure in killing him in a severely brutal way that would probably be on the heels of weeks of torture. I see past that moment now though. I need to continue to live and that's not going to happen if Titans overrun the walls." I could tell him that I loved him, but why would I? His heart was laid to rest along with Petra. Even any brief moments of affectionate openness had disappeared with her death. His light had disappeared, and I only got to see moments of him being kind. Before he reminds himself that I don't deserve it. Beautiful and a good person. Am I just incapable of being loved? But is that only because I don't deserve it? Because I'm not good?

My indignation dissipated as I recollected myself under these depressive thoughts. "Aren't you after the same thing? Revenge on the Titans for killing the people you love? Making sure they didn't die in vain? That Petra's life was worth it for Eren's?" I stood up out of my bed until I towered over the still sitting Levi. "Isn't that why I'm such a bad person? You don't think my life was worth Farlan's and Isabel's much less Petra's. I'm sure all you can think about when you look at me is how much you wish that one of them had survived instead."

"That's not what you think when you look at me? That I'm not your brother?"

His question blindsided me leaving my mouth hanging open in shock as I grappled with how to respond. No. I didn't, but how could I tell him why? That I loved him in a way I never did with my brother? Shoving that moment when I killed my brother out of my mind had been the best way to deal with all of it. I still didn't know if I would've preferred to let Levi die instead.

Levi didn't seem to trust my silence as his eyes narrowed while watching me retreat back to my own bed. "Do you hate your brother?"

"No!" I shouted, startling both of, "I mean… I hate myself for what happened to lead the events of Kenny kidnapping my brother and his death, but never Suzu. I could never hate Suzu." I stared straight at him. "I can't imagine hating you either. That's why I don't wish for your death even in that way, I suppose." I hated how he brought all this honesty and vulnerability out of me. He's always been aware of my true self even when nobody else knew.

He'd begun to tuck himself back into the covers as I conveyed my explanation. "I don't wish for your death, Saph-"

"You're just not fucking me." The hostility in my tone surprised me.

"You sound jealous," Levi said without missing a beat, his voice turning colder than ice.

His words and tone would have made me freeze if I didn't want to bring the room back to complete darkness and hide underneath my blankets in shame. I moved quickly but silently as I slithered back into my spot. I'd let my tongue get the better of me, but the worst part of all of it was the fact that his words were true. I don't know how far Levi watched my retreat back into myself, but he didn't say anything as he laid back down.

I couldn't give him any words because either it'd be lies or the truth, neither choice seemed feasible. Closing my eyes, I hoped the morning would come quickly and without incident.

Watching Hanji peel Eren's human body from the steaming Titan's neck, not caring that the flesh of his face was still infused therefore ripping it (including his eyes out). While Hanji's plan certainly didn't include stabbing us in the eyeballs, she clearly didn't care if we suffered throughout this process. Eren had changed into a Titan a total of three times. Our location deep in the forest near the mountains wasn't just out of secrecy, but we were substituting the hole in Wall Maria with a cave to see if either of us could harden to fill it. While his first Titan had been quite intelligent, none of them had been able to successfully accomplish the task. Hanji then made Eren make a house out of some logs and do a few physical feats. Only after an hour did it seem like the man began to slowly lose his sanity. He'd tried to write on the ground before leaving his body to rest for a bit. The two Titans after that didn't seem to have the capacity to think. They'd seemed lost in the darkness that had haunted my thoughts and nightmares.

"Are you ready?" Hanji asked me.

"Sure," I said as I walked into the clearing. I didn't have an idea on how I'd hurt myself because chomping onto my thumb until I bled just seemed excessive. A knife did always rest snug against my ankle. Grabbing the old trusty thing, I pricked myself on the finger before putting the weapon away. I hadn't been able to talk much to Eren before the test but since I'd been on Levi's squad, I'd seen the steps. Concentrating on reaching the top of the cave, a flash of light made me instinctively close my eyes.

Stumbling, I looked around me before dropping forward accidentally. Staring at my Titan's hands with its sharp claws, I tried to slow my breathing. I needed to get to my feet. Tucking my legs underneath me until my knees bent generously, I precariously stood up as I viewed my surroundings. Only when I reached my full height did I realize that Eren's Titan had to be taller. He crouched to enter the cave when my head barely skimmed the ceiling. Maybe 3-4 meters smaller?

"Saph?" Hanji screamed, waving her arms to get my attention. "Try to harden yourself?"

Try to harden myself. Standing at the mouth of the cave, I had no idea how or what to try. I couldn't even be sure if it was a physical, emotional, or mental trigger that caused the change. Concentrating on different methods, I tried visualizing being covered in crystal first, but that didn't work. Then I tried flexing in an attempt to activate or turn on anything. Unlike Eren, I just learned I could turn. Everything happened to be new to me so I didn't know how to do anything different. Racking my brain for some ideas that I might've gleaned from my conversations with Eren, I thought back to the transformation of turning in the first place. Maybe I should focus on hardening myself in a different way first? If I punched the ground and thought of having armor around my fist would it happen? In order to become a Titan, Eren said to focus on a task, so I'll imagine it happening as I'm doing something like before. I bent over and punched the ground with no hesitation while imagining a thick protective shield forming over my hand. It didn't.

The earth trembled and my jaw dropped as my arm met sharp resistance. Well, that didn't work, and there went my only idea. Dragging one of my claws through the dirt, I carved out a question mark before moving aside for Hanji to see.

"You don't know how to do it?"

I shook my head no.

"We are going with the backup plan then!" Hanji shouted before nodding for a soldier to approach me. Staring at the woman, I watched her balance on one knee. Lifting my enormous limb, I swayed but I remained upright. I followed more of her orders until a man resumed her place to give me some different ones.

"Can you try to speak?" Hanji asked me after a while.

Getting closer to her, I opened my mouth but only a keening whistle emanated from my throat, letting air swirl around sharp pointed teeth even though I didn't need to breathe. Withdrawing from her, I shook my head.

"Then we are going to have you perform the same building exercises with logs and rope-like Eren. Sitting on the ground, my mind wandered as my fingers fiddled with the materials even with my claws in the way.

Neither of us had been able to harden so we couldn't close the hole at the present moment. They didn't need me to be building castles, but I couldn't do anything helpful. Growling under my breath, I felt an intense wave of emotion suddenly surge through my body until concentrating itself in my brain. The color red crashed behind my eyelids and I clutched my head.

Upset.

Standing up, all I wanted to do was get out of this beast that wanted to carry forward that singular emotion into an outburst of violence. Swaying, I didn't register the scattering soldiers as Hanji tried to regain my attention. Pain, anger, and sadness took ahold of my tendons and I bent over in agony as an unburdening of emotional turmoil transformed into a visceral physical reaction at the reality of my undoing. Scratching at the surface of the Earth, I messily wrote Levi's name in the mud. Over and over and over again. He's the only one who could unburden me of this desperate vulnerability.

I couldn't hear Hanji's voice as she pleaded for me to calm down and that Levi would arrive shortly. My action held little relief though as I repeatedly etched his name around me. Blinded and overwhelmed, I collapsed to my knees while digging my nails into the grass until I'd uprooted bushes and other plants in my attempt to tighten my grip on anything. I wanted out. It felt as if a monster lived in my skin with me and was making me see my own wounded heart. That, or the nightmare laid in the fact that becoming a Titan only allowed a sense of nothingness to stand between me and my subconscious. Either way, I didn't want to relive memories and feelings that I burrow in my waking moments. Opening my eyes, I finally lifted my head to see Hanji with Levi in front of me. I let out a terrible scream before my mind allowed itself to be swallowed by the gaping hole of my vibrating throat and I was overcome by darkness both my own and not.

Hello everybody! I'm so happy to have written another chapter for this fanfic and that I get to share it with you guys. I hope everyone is staying safe and finding some joy in this chaotic period. Since I have quite a bit of free time, I'd also love to give a tarot reading for anyone who might be interested, so please reach out to me either on here or my Instagram: chaycing_the_spiritual_dragon. Thank you for all your support and love for this story. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts and feelings on the latest chapter! Sending out all my love!