Chapter One- Because It Couldn't Be…Could It?

July 1914

"Are you alright?" Carson asked gently.

"Y-yes I'm fine." Elsie reassured, shutting her eyes.

The room spun and even with her eyes shut she could feel herself reeling as if she were spinning around in circles. It was the middle of the night and the room was pitch black. She lay awake, sick to her stomach and facing the wall.

"No you're not. I know you too well for that. Would you like me to sneak you back into your own bed?"

"No." She sighed. "I want to stay here with you in our bed."

"You know." He smiled, wrapping his arms around her rib cage from behind. "I hate sneaking around this way, after eighteen years of marriage, it just doesn't seem right."

"Do you want to tell people?" She asked suddenly.

"Ideally. I'd love to tell people how much I love you." She blushed. "Wouldn't you want the same?"

"Oh yes, ideally. You're my life my Charlie." She reminded, rolling over to face him, placing her face on his chest, resting there as she closed her eyes again. "I love you more than anything."

Elsie didn't feel right at all that night, but resting in his arms made her feel safe, and she felt herself slowly being rocked to sleep by the flow of his breath.

"Are you really feeling alright my love?" He asked, running his fingers through her hair.

"No." She confided. "I think I'm a bit under the weather."

"Would you have to have a lie-in tomorrow?" He asked, running his fingers through her hair as she closed her eyes and began to drift off. I can…"

"No, no." She replied. "I'll be fine."

"Mrs. Hughes, I'll remind you it's the day the family is returning from London and it's going to be…."

"Don't Mrs. Hughes me." She reminded, her eyes totally closed now. "It's Mrs. Hughes by day, and Mrs. Carson by night: don't you forget it."

"Oh Mrs. Carson, my love, I never ever could." He promised.

"Good." She mumbled, clutching his pajama shirt.

"Goodnight my wife." He whispered, kissing her very softly. "Elsie." He said, after pausing a moment. "I think its time I told everyone I love you."

"Mmm that'd be nice." She mumbled, half asleep now. She sighed and sunk deeper into his chest.

Carson lay awake holding his wife after she'd fallen asleep, continuing to run his fingers through her hair, hair he loved so much. She was all he had in so many senses and he adored everything about her, even her hair. Now he was desperately worried and couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong with her, she'd been feeling off for a few days and it wasn't like her. It was then he decided for sure that it was time for them to come clean, and better yet, to not have to live in the shadows anymore no matter what the consequences.

…

"Do you really think it's a good idea? I mean I think it's a lovely idea." She said as he helped her button the back of her dress.

It was very early in the morning and they were getting ready for the long day ahead. Elsie found herself exhausted now before the day even began and couldn't believe her ankles already ached even though she'd just gotten out of bed.

"Yes. It's time. It should be our eighteenth anniversary gift to each other. Besides it was a mistake anyway."

"What was?"

"Not telling people." He said as she turned to face him. "We could've gotten our own cottage…and we still could."

"Well remember we were going to do that when the children started to come…"

Both of them paused awkwardly when she said this. It was something they didn't discuss. They stared back at each other, each seeing a sense of pain, of longing and a need to be forgiven for something they couldn't help. He could tell the whole matter still hurt her and that he still felt cheated.

"Charlie I'm sorry that..."

"No, no." He laughed, kissing her forehead. "Don't be silly. And I think it's high time we got that cottage anyway, don't you?"

"Yes." She smiled, relieved as he leaned down to kiss her.

Suddenly they heard a crash in the kitchen, followed by Mrs. Patmore beginning to yell at Daisy. Elsie sighed.

"I'll speak to her ladyship about Mrs. Patmore when they return later today. She can't go much longer without burning the house down." She was of course, referring to Beryl's fading eyesight.

"I quite agree." He said as he started to work on her buttons again.

Within moments there was another crash in the kitchen, this one far louder.

"I better go and see. I'll be back in a few minutes… I hope."

He left quickly in order to try and preempt an argument, and without finishing buttoning the back of his wife's dress. She sighed and went to work trying to do the buttons herself. It was a special dress and one of her favorites. It had over twenty tiny black buttons that ran down the center of the back. It wasn't the kind of thing that she could really put on by herself, a task that was easier said than done.

Charlie always had to help her with that particular dress, and she found it funny no one ever noticed. The ladies maids, for example, should've easily recognized the fact that she could never get it on by herself. The buttons were difficult for Carson to maneuver, but luckily he'd done the top half where she couldn't reach and she could finish the rest if she had to.

She moved on to the bottom few buttons near the slope of her back, realizing suddenly, how tight a fit it was. She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as she forced the buttons shut, sighing almost painfully. Elsie found this very odd, not to mention uncomfortable. This dress had never been snug on her before and she didn't understand why it would be now.

"Oh I'm suppose I'm just falling apart…" She whispered, thinking maybe she was just getting fat.

...

It wasn't until she was upstairs and fast at work overseeing the housemaids that she realized how exhausted she was. The season, when the family was away in London, was supposed to be a time of rest for them all and she thought it had been for most everyone in the house (upstairs and down)…with the notable exception of herself.

She and Charlie had had a few nice todays together after the family had first left. They'd managed to sneak away for a holiday to her native Scotland. She'd treasured the trip: it was nice to go home and even more lovely to have the freedom to act like a normal couple who'd been married as long as they had. She supposed he'd liked it too, and thought that perhaps it was why he'd returned from London a day early and with the news that he wanted to get a cottage of their own and finally make the true nature of their relationship known to everyone: he too was sick of hiding.

They'd only ever done it for job security of course. They'd married years ago, when she'd first come to the house and Lady Sybil was a newborn baby. Elsie smiled, thinking back at that time. They'd married so quickly and when they barely knew each other. It was a whirlwind romance that would seem uncharacteristic if you told the tale to Anna or Bates or Thomas or anyone else. But they'd loved each other so deeply from their first meeting that they knew they had to be together. Elsie's heart swelled with warmth at the thought of their first days together and she found herself feeling so blessed to be Mrs. Charles Carson, even secretly.

At the time, it had been considered highly inappropriate for members of the downstairs staff to be romantically involved let alone married and so they'd kept their relationship a secret. There had been several times when they'd almost broken to the news to Lord and Lady Grantham, the first being right after they eloped. But then, Elsie was promoted to head housekeeper and so they'd decided to wait for their original plan: children. They would tell everyone the truth when she got pregnant. She didn't know why now; but they'd expected to be blessed with children and they had wanted a lot of them... That had never happened of course.

Elsie sighed putting those sad thoughts aside and thinking back to their trip. It had been so wonderful in everyway and in truth, made her feel like she'd fallen in love with him all over again. Despite feeling sick, she felt giddy as a young girl in love, now that he was back from the city. When they returned from Scotland, Carson joined the family in London, leaving her practically alone at Downton. She hated that they were separated for most of the summer and didn't find the whole matter very fair. It happened every year but this year she'd felt crushed, even abandoned by the separation and she didn't know why.

Mrs. Hughes had hid her sorrow and thrown herself into work. She figured it was why she was so exhausted now. Mainly, she'd vested herself into a through cleaning of the house that could only be done when it wasn't occupied. The housemaids would tell you, privately of course, that she'd been extra moody during this period of time and unlike herself to the point where they knew something was bothering her. This task had taken all of them weeks and was just about to be finished.

Aside from that, Elsie had begun working fastidiously on the garden party, which would be held later that month (appropriately this year's party fell on her and Charlie's eighteenth wedding anniversary, only no one knew that). She found herself pretending she was planning a party for her and her husband, but scolded herself for thinking that way.

And then, most difficult of all, there was Beryl to contend with. Poor Mrs. Patmore was going blind, which resulted in accident upon accident that she had to help clean up. Daisy was of little help, and that was even more frustrating for Mrs. Hughes. After all, it was her job to manage everything and to protect the staff from getting hurt, which was pretty tough considering the fact that Mrs. Patmore refused to acknowledge that her failing eyesight was a growing problem.

All of this had been very stressful; and in hindsight, Elsie supposed it made sense that she was feeling so tired, and perhaps gaining a little weight. She'd begun to notice a change in herself a couple of weeks ago that wasn't too apparent until the night before, when her husband returned from London a day early. Seeing that he recognized a change in her, was surprising to her and shook her up a little bit, but even now she didn't have the time to think much about it.

Now that the family was coming home, she was even busier. She was thinking

even less about herself than before, but found that she felt sicker than ever. After some time had passed she decided she wanted to take her husband up on his offer for her to go lay down, but by the time she'd decided it, it was too late. Before she knew it, it was midafternoon and she and Charles were waiting by the stairs to welcome the family home. Lord and Lady Grantham greeted them warmly, as did the girls. Elsie laughed internally when Cora told her she hoped she'd had time to herself while they were away.

After a small discussion of William and the impending war, everyone started to go upstairs, but Cora stayed behind when Elsie pulled her aside.

"M'lady, I'm sorry to trouble you when you've only just gotten home but; we need to speak about Mrs. Patmore."

"Oh I hope her sight hasn't gotten worse!"

"I'm afraid so, Ma'am."

"I'm saddened to hear that! Please take it up with Lord Grantham when he comes downstairs in a while. We've discussed it and we would really like to do something to help her."

"That would be wonderful your ladyship."

"But, for now Mrs. Hughes, I really need to lay down. Would you be so kind as to call for Dr. Clarkson, and have him come to see me?"

"Of course, Ma'am." She smiled.

…

Elsie didn't let it show but she was jealous of Cora for getting to take a rest. After some time passed, she made her way to the library where Lord Grantham had convened too, deciding to discuss the matter of Mrs. Patmore's eyesight with him despite her splitting headache. She paused hearing Dr. Clarkson speak, as she was about to knock on the door. She was hardly a snoop, but something told her to listen.

"It's unusual." Dr. Clarkson seemed to be admitting.

"Unusual, it's biblical?" Lord Grantham laughed, a hint of disbelief in his voice. Elsie cringed suddenly, overwhelmed by her headache.

"You understand women go through a certain change…" The doctor offered.

"I know quite as much as I need to about all of that."

"Well sometimes it can result in a surge of…fertility for lack of a better term."

"The child will be healthy?"

"Oh there's no reason why not."

Elsie's eyes flashed open.

"Maybe…" She whispered. "No, no, no…" She tried to convince.

Elsie paused when she realized she was chewing on her nails, an insufferable habit she only took up when very nervous…. and that she'd mostly given up when she was nine.

"No it couldn't be…" She whispered.

But logically, she knew it could. After all, she was only a few years older than Lady Grantham and in that same stage of life. She was old but not too old. Perhaps it would explain so much if it were true, like why she was so tired, why she'd felt abandoned when Charles left, why she felt so sick but wasn't sick at all, and lastly why her dress barely fit all of a sudden.

"No, no Elsie don't be silly it can't be, not after all this time…" She said to herself, closing her eyes and leaning back against the wall. She didn't notice Dr. Clarkson coming out of the library and shutting the door behind him.

"What couldn't be, Mrs. Hughes… if I may ask?" He inquired simply and she stared back at him.