Happy Valentine's day.

I enjoyed all of your answers to the riddle! What was in my pocket was the Philosopher's butt plug which grants immortality to those who wear it. haha. Though a ring or nothing sufficed. And with that, here is the final chapter.

It was busiest near the station with the first signs of the early morning rush hour, and Shizuo took the route home that he knew would be less crowded. When he could, he slinked through narrow alleyways and went by the back of stores and restaurants. Each step home nagged at him in a way that made it impossible to appreciate walking down the streets that he hadn't seen for what felt like years. No one recognized him without his normal attire.

The sight of his old apartment building stirred very little in him. He collected the mail on his way up the stairs. Most of it was bills and advertisements. A spare key was tucked underneath a slim sheet of metal by the window ledge. He peeled the metal back and fished it out.

He noticed the slight stagnant smell of cigarette smoke, warm and dragging like an unwelcome itch, mixing with whatever odor was left in the bins under his sink—the rinsed out milk bottles, other recyclables, and garbage that had been left to stew in his hot apartment. He frowned as he took off his sandals and stepped inside. The lights flicked and hummed softly.

Shizuo tossed the mail on the kitchen table and opened the window above the sink. He walked the short span to his living room and opened that wall-length window too. Hanging on a dry rack was some undershirts that would need to be rewashed.

The phone was still in his pocket. Izaya said he could call, but Shizuo wouldn't, no matter how much he wanted to. Not twenty minutes had passed since he'd last seen him, and what would he say? If he could call and say nothing—hear only the typing keys or light catches of breath, at least it would be something, an artificial silence made in the comfort of another. Except...except Shizuo would be expected to say something and his jaw was clenched with the weight of not knowing what to say. No, he couldn't call. He'd only be making a nuisance of himself.

He should be calling Tom-san or his family, but Shizuo wasn't calm enough and instead, he took a shower. Afterwards, he rolled out his futon and dropped onto the flat padding. He stared at the phone for a few seconds before turning away and drawing up the covers.

It wasn't better when Shizuo woke up suddenly, late at night to the sounds of traffic. His eyes darted around the shadows along his walls, finally settling on the shiny black shape of the cell phone. Slowly his awareness returned. He checked to see if maybe Izaya had called, but his phone had no new notifications.

He knew by the racing pulse in his ears and the rigidity of his limbs that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. He stumbled out of bed to the kitchen, the phone clasped tight in his hand, and wary that he'd break it, Shizuo stuffed it into his sweatpants.

He got an empty glass. His nose scrunched as he opened the carton and smelled the milk that had gone off. All of his food in the fridge had gone bad. Shizuo dumped everything that looked or smelled spoiled into the garbage.

He drank water from the sink all the while aware of the shape of the phone in his pants. The cup in his hand was in danger of shattering. He set it down and grabbed his phone, sliding it on in one motion. There was indeed only one contact, Izaya's.

He could message, but did this phone even have messaging? He checked and it did. His relief was corrupted by a surge of frustration; he couldn't text a single thing because this was what he wanted, right? This way he couldn't fuck things up.

He scowled. That uneasy feeling was weighing him down and he needed to do something.

A list of numbers and business cards were in a pocket-sized notebook. It had all of his contacts, just a handful of names since he kept on breaking his phones. Tom-san's name was highlighted.

The line rang five times before a click and answer came. "Hello?" In the background came sounds of traffic. Shizuo hadn't even thought of the time and saw from the clock on his wall that it was nine at night.

"Hey, Tom-san, it's me. Sorry, it's late."

"Shizuo!" The voice that was normally so calm changed instantly. "It's been weeks. What happened? Hey, are you okay? Are you safe?"

Shizuo bowed his head, feeling awkward even through the phone. "Sorry. I'm fine now. I, uh," he hadn't really thought about what he was going to say. "I was in some trouble, but I'm okay now. But I don't think I can go to work yet." Then he winced for never thinking things through. Did he still have a job? "That is if you didn't already find a replacement."

"No, no, of course not. Everyone's been worried and looking out for you. You had me listed as your emergency contact so we didn't contact your family until the third day you were gone. We weren't sure if we should get the police involved in a missing person report. Your parents figured you just needed some time alone, but they decided to file that you were missing last Thursday. It's good to hear from you. But do you need any help with anything? You know, if you're in any trouble, tell me right away. I'll see what I can do."

Shizuo was more than relieved yet there was no way he was going to put Tom-senpai in any danger. "I actually only need a little more time off if that's alright. It's getting resolved now. But I don't think it's safe to return to work. Not yet, it's...it's complicated. Sorry, I can't tell you more."

"Yeah, that's okay. You have a lot of sick days stacked up and I knew there was a good reason why you would suddenly disappear. I'm glad you are coming back. Hey, I'm near the station now. Do you want me to go ahead and have them cancel the missing person's report?"

Shizuo was about to say yeah, but then he caught himself. "Not yet. I'll do it myself."

"Can I tell the office? Vorona?"

"Vorona's okay."

"Alright. So you're home now?"

Shizuo wasn't sure if he should disclose even this, but he couldn't lie to him. "Yeah."

"Good, let me know if there is anything you need and take as long off as necessary. But I hope you come back soon, yeah? It's not the same without you."

Shizuo didn't deserve such kindness. "Thanks. I will." He then said a quiet goodbye and hung up. If Tom-san knew the things he had done, the bodies Shizuo had crushed, there was no way that things could be the same. The thought of returning to work and seeing Tom-san's easy smile suddenly made him unnerved. Was returning to work even possible? What if someone pissed him off and he lost it and went too far?

Shizuo put a hand over his face and exhaled slowly. It would have been better to not have called that way he had the option of leaving quietly. But he still had to contact his family.

Shizuo thought of a story before he called. He decided to tell them that he needed time away from the city. He was grateful that neither of his parents pushed his story too hard. Having raised him with all of his many shortcomings, they knew when not to ask too many questions and accept what he had to say. They were just elated to hear of his return. It made Shizuo realize that he couldn't leave a second time without worrying them sick. He didn't want to talk too long, saying that he needed to call Kasuka.

He almost hoped that Kasuka was busy with work when Shizuo dialed his number, but the quiet click and steady voice of his brother answered him. "Hello?"

"Hey, Kasuka."

The phone picked up the soft exhale, then Kasuka referred to him as brother as calm as ever. Hearing that even tone had him relaxing. Kasuka had been witness to so many of his uncontrollable acts of violence and not once had he shown any signs of judgement. Shizuo had always appreciated that. He decided not to lie completely.

"So you've returned?" Kasuka asked unfazed when Shizuo let the silence extend too long.

"Yeah, I told mom and dad that I needed time away, but I didn't want them to worry. I was actually kidnapped and put on an island. I just got back."

The line was quiet for a few seconds as if Kasuka was waiting for him to elaborate. "Hmm, I see. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Shizuo sighed. "Just fine."

"That's good." In the background Shizuo heard a meow. "I had a feeling like something was keeping you away, but I knew you would come back. So the people who did that to you, they won't bother you anymore?"

"I'm getting some help on that, but yeah."

"Good. I'm glad you're okay."

He wondered if he should say more, but there was no way that he wanted Kasuka to know that his older brother was a murderer. There was only so much that his actions could be forgiven or left without judgment. "And everything is alright with you?" Shizuo asked, his throat tight.

"Yes. My current project is going well."

Shizuo listened for some minutes as Kasuka told him briefly about his new role in an upcoming movie about a boxer turned robot action movie. Shizuo wished him luck and they said goodnight.

Shizuo put down the phone on the table and leaned back in his seat. A few minutes later, his stomach grumbled pathetically. There was a pack of frozen fried rice in the freezer which he warmed on the stove and added ketchup and mayonnaise to. It wasn't particularly appetizing, but Shizuo hadn't eaten much, only having picked at the airplane food. His last decent meal had been the dinner he had with Izaya. It made him feel a twinge of guilt and Shizuo only took a few bites of food before losing his appetite.

He spent the rest of his night on his narrow couch, resting for only short intervals. It was only just brightening, the sun hidden behind taller buildings, when Shizuo decided to get up. With nothing to do, he spent a few hours cleaning his apartment, careful not to be too loud for his neighbors. Not that they would do anything to his face, but they would complain to the landlord.

It didn't take long, considering the size of his place. He even took the time to wipe down his now empty fridge. He entertained the idea of changing and going out to buy some food, but he figured he still had some packets of ramen, rice, and other instant foods so he didn't really need anything. Not even the thought of milk roused him to leave.

It wasn't that he feared being found out by the people who got him on the island—hell, if he found them he'd make sure they'd regret what they did. The reason why he didn't want to leave was because he didn't want to deal with people in general. Which was why he spent the next few days inside, essentially trying to distract himself. He had an old laptop that he used to play movies. He watched a few of his favorites, mostly Kasuka's earlier roles, but not even that lifted his mood and after a while he could no longer focus, his glazed eyes staring blankly at the screen.

Normally, he'd spend the majority of his days outside. If he wasn't working with Tom-san, then he would go to any of the local parks or walk to one of his many favorite cafes. Even on his days off, he'd be out, but until he heard from Izaya, Shizuo decided he wouldn't make any unnecessary trouble by drawing attention to himself.

Except he never hated his previous solitary lifestyle now more than ever when the real problem was keeping his own company, and this was made more obvious after he spent two solid weeks with another. It didn't help that he'd already pushed away the only person he did want to spend time with. He only had himself there to blame, which he did, each time his thoughts drifted to what Izaya was doing. If he was eating regularly. If he was getting better.

But why would Izaya want to spend time with him now? When it was obvious that Shizuo couldn't do anything right, when his hands were made to hurt others. Enough of Izaya's blood had already been spilled from his knuckles, the thought of any more sent him sick to his stomach. Keeping his distance was doing him a favor.

And yet, that didn't stop Shizuo from feeling like he'd made a mistake: that something was wrong and he had no control over what he was supposed to do. It only frustrated him further that he couldn't do anything about it.

The need for food finally drove him out of his apartment, four days later after he exhausted the instant junk in his cabinets. A local FamilyMart was at the corner of his block. He purposely chose a later time when there would be fewer people. The clothes he wore were plain, nondescript, and on the edge of well-worn from too many washings. When he entered the brightly lit convenience store, Shizuo did his best to avoid the people lurking and milling about in the aisles.

He grabbed a grey basket and headed to the back where the refrigerated drinks were kept. He got three cartons of milk, then headed over to the premade foods and grabbed a few ham and egg sandwiches. He picked a roll of bread, some more instant foods, and calorie bars before heading towards the front of the store where the sleeping pills were kept. He didn't know how strong they were if they would work at all on him, but Shizuo hated the thought of another long night.

His palms were sweaty holding the basket as he became more aware of the people on line with him. Shizuo scratched his arm absently while waiting.

An old lady ahead of him picked the coins from her purse as the friendly cashier waited for her change. On the other line, a businessman had put his basket on the counter and was asking for a pack of cigarettes behind the glass. Shizuo thought of doing the same. Maybe then the bad associations that were stopping him from smoking would leave if he started again.

Something prickled, sharp and instinctual. His back became tense as someone stepped too close behind him. He reacted without thinking, imagining the worst and turning around to send the fucker right to hell—only to see a kid half his size staring wide-eyed at him and rapidly backing up into the display rack as if Shizuo has shoved him into it. The boy's food clattered to the ground, a bag of potato chips, a bottle of orange soda, and a bun rolled across the floor. "Sorry," the boy said between trembling lips and stumbled a bit more as he tried to grab his things but his hands were too unsteady. He scrambled back and ducked around the corner.

It became grossly quiet. The items stopped ringing up, footsteps halted, and no one moved as if they were holding their breath, watching. Watching him with poorly concealed fear. Both cashiers shared a glance between themselves, silently questioning what to do if there was a problem. Shizuo looked down at a corner of the counter where the tiles were a little off. It took all of his resolve to hold still. His face burned and he waited as the noises slowly came back. The old lady shook her head as she hobbled out.

Shizuo didn't look up as he put his things on the counter. In a way, he was glad it was a man at this register, at least then he wouldn't have to feel even worse than he already did. He put two 1000 yen bills on the counter. He didn't bother asking for a carton of cigarettes. His tongue might as well be his own foot in his mouth.

Shizuo didn't miss the slight tremor in the hand that returned the money to him or the strained way he spoke. Without a second glance at the scene he had made, he went straight home and dropped his purchase on the table. The complete fear in the kid's face had followed him and showed no sign of leaving anytime soon.

He was about to text Izaya but stopped. Instead, he messaged Celty.

[hey Celty are you free to meet up?] Then he remembered she didn't have this new contact info. [its Shizuo] He was too anxious to sit and wait for her response. His legs were itching to move and pacing his small apartment like a caged animal wouldn't help. It was late out when Shizuo stepped out on his way to Shinra's and Celty's apartment. His phone vibrated while on the way.

[Shizuo!] [What happened? You disappeared!] When he didn't respond for a full minute, Celty continued. [Do you need me to pick you up or should we meet up at the park by your place?]

[actually I'm a block away. I'll go to you]

[okay]

Five minutes later he was riding the elevator up. Celty was waiting for him outside the door, and the black smoke billowed from underneath her helmet when she saw him. She stepped closer with her phone in hand.

[Shizuo! Where have you been? Is everything alright?]

She then noticed how tense he was, the slight forward hunch of his shoulders, and the distracted look that he got when something was bothering him. She stepped aside to make room for him inside her home. She typed a new message on her phone. [I made some tea. Would you like any?]

"Yeah, thanks," he muttered.

"Shizuo-kun, is that you?" Shinra called from the living room. He must have come straight from the shower because instead of his white coat, he was wearing leisure wear and a towel drawn over his shoulders. "So what have you been up to?"

Shizuo hadn't come to talk about what happened, but of course he would be expected to say something. "I've been away."

"Well, yeah! Without telling anyone. Hey, you made Celty worry, and while it was fun to comfort her, it wasn't fair that you took up so much of her attention! I kept telling her there's no point worrying, it's Shizuo! Shizuo! But she was beginning to think you were abducted by aliens. Isn't that so sweet of her? Maybe I should get abducted by aliens too and Celty will be overcome with worry. Then when I return it'll be the most touching reunion. Imagine it, she'll never want to let go of me again."

Shizuo flopped down onto the couch. He wasn't at all bothered by the rambling, it almost made him feel something close to normal.

"Oh, your arm is bleeding. Want me to take a look at it?"

Celty rushed in with a tray and a set of metal cups. She showed Shinra her phone and he frowned at what he read. "I was only seeing if his arm is okay? What's the big deal?"

Celty typed a new message which she showed to Shizuo. [If Shinra's bothering you, I can send him to another room.]

Shinra managed to see part of it, though she was trying to keep him back. "Eh?" Shinra whined, "but I want to know what happened." He then turned to Shizuo. "I'll clean your arm quietly, just pretend I'm not here."

Shizuo hadn't noticed in the slightest what Shinra was saying about his arm. Where the bandages had been since he'd last replaced them was only bare skin. Pink trails ran across his arm and uneven scabs had opened up. He must have been picking at it without realizing.

"Hmm? What did this? It almost looks like a chainsaw did it?" Shinra mused as he set up his supplies.

Shizuo looked down at his arm where the jagged triangular lines ran in an arch along his bicep. How long had he been walking around with a bleeding arm? He tsked. "A shark bit me."

"Huh, shark?" Shinra's hand halted. "A shark did this!?"

"Yeah, weren't you listening? A shark tried to bite me and I elbowed it in the mouth. Though I did almost lose an arm from someone chasing me with a chainsaw."

Shinra and Celty shared a bewildered look—well, Shinra looked bewildered, whereas the smoke under Celty's helmet puffed. Celty typed on her phone and Shinra resumed cleaning his arm. [What!? Why was someone chasing you with a chainsaw? What happened?]

Shizuo was beginning to think it had been a bad idea to come. "I don't know. Why does anyone chase someone with a chainsaw if not to kill them?"

"It sounds like you had an eventful two weeks. Mind starting from the beginning?" Shinra asked.

Shizuo grimaced and picked up a cup of tea. "Actually, I thought maybe you could tell me how you two have been?" He looked awkwardly away, feeling foolish for even asking. "Did I miss anything?"

They turned towards each other once again before facing him.

"We've been as much in love as always, actually even more in love since we both had fewer clients so each day was spent in unimaginable bliss together. If you were expecting a secret wedding then I'm sorry to disappoint, that's next week."

Celty tried to jab him in the stomach for that.

[Don't pay him any mind.] [Things have been pretty calm recently.] [It seems like a certain troublemaker hasn't been around recently either so you don't have to worry about anyone making a mess of the city in your absence.]

It took Shizuo a few seconds to realize who she was talking about. "Well of course Izaya hasn't been around. He was with me the entire time."

Celty's smoke spiked and Shinra nearly fell back off the couch. Whatever was in the clear bottle splashed across his shirt.

"Huh! Izaya was with you?"

"You didn't know he was gone?" Shizuo said with the roughness of a growl. "What kind of friend are you?"

"It's not my fault that Izaya comes and goes as he pleases." Shinra took out a new bandage, clearly, without notice to the growing anger he was invoking. "He didn't tell me he moved out of Ikebukuro until three months after. And more importantly, what do you mean he was with you? Is he even still alive?"

The metal cup crumpled in Shizuo's hand and hot tea gushed between his fingers. He dropped it in favor of reaching over and grabbing the front of Shinra's T-shirt. It was that flippant attitude disregarding Izaya's life that reminded him of who he had once been. Shizuo brought him close, their eyes leveled, fists ready to make their mark across Shinra's face, but before he could regret doing anything, he let go. He hadn't noticed Celty's shadows wrapping around his wrists either.

Shinra landed back on the couch with a loud gasp. "Sorry. Sorry, shouldn't have mentioned him," he prattled and was about to continue but stopped, finally catching that something was off.

There was that same harrowing beast, the uncontrollable rage that sometimes hit like a wave crashing over him. It was impossible to push back, it blurred his vision, soaked his fists, and yanked on his ankles like it wanted to topple him so till he'd drown from it. Holding back from his anger was even harder, his fists shook from the effort, and eventually the wave receded without taking hold of him.

Shizuo could barely look at either of them. "No, I'm sorry. And I'll get you a new cup. I should...I should probably go." It was stupid to come. Talking wouldn't help. All he'd wanted was a semblance of normalcy, of familiarity, but never before had he felt so detached from them. They wouldn't understand even if he told them.

Celty chose her words carefully. [It's okay. Don't mind the cup.] [Is something bothering you, Shizuo? We can talk alone if you want?]

"At least let me finish bandaging you up," Shinra said with his hands up in surrender. "And I promise not to say another word."

Shizuo took a few deliberating seconds, glancing at them then looking at the door. Finally, he sat back down, slowly. He reminded himself that these were his friends and even if they couldn't understand, they could listen. He may not want to think about what happened on the island, at least not the worst parts, but not everything had been bad.

"If you can manage to be quiet, Shinra, then I'll say a little about where I've been."

Shinra made a motion that he'd be silent. Only his fingers moved as he wrapped the bandages back.

What Shizuo ended up telling them was very little and some parts were out of order since a lot happened the first two days. At the part in the control room, specifically leading up to when Izaya was nearly beaten to death, he began to sweat, his limbs prickling numbly at the memory of it.

Whether Celty or Shinra noticed any discomfort that Shizuo felt, they didn't say. They did seem to be more surprised that Izaya came back and they got the keys out. When Shinra tried to intrude, Celty stuck a band of black smoke over his mouth to muffle his question. He didn't seem to mind the treatment though.

Shizuo mentioned very little about the others they met on the island, only saying there was a naked Russian man and a pervert with a long red scarf and cowboy boots. At the part that Izaya got sick, he completely skipped the next few days after that and resumed once more when they burned the island and swam to the yacht. After which he said in passing that they were on another island then went home.

It didn't take so long to say all of this, but Shizuo was incredibly tired by the end. These last few nights he hadn't been sleeping well and now he was feeling it. Perhaps that was why he didn't feel better for revealingly what little he did.

They took a moment to absorb the story. Shinra still had a strip over his mouth, but his expression was oddly serious, thoughtful even.

Celty texted at last. [It's amazing what you both went through.] [I suppose that means that Izaya and you are now getting along?]

This had Shizuo swallowing hard, his guilt surfacing. He nodded minutely. Of course, Shizuo hadn't mentioned just how close Izaya and he got along, nor the part where he was now, not even sure what little there was after his last fuck up. He missed Izaya and that only had him feeling worse.

"I'd better go now. It's getting late." Shizuo managed to say. It was almost midnight.

[You sure you don't want to stay over?]

Shizuo shook his head.

[Or I can take you home?]

"No, I'll be fine, thanks."

Shinra hadn't managed to take off the shadow closing his mouth. He said some muffled things and then waved goodnight.

Celty waited with him by the elevator, but Shizuo was too drained to say much more. She seemed to notice and didn't type much but a friendly goodnight.

Shizuo walked briskly with his hands in his pockets, gaze downwards, and he avoided the people who were still out in the summer night looking for a fun time.

He took three pills with a glass of warmed up milk when he got home. The sleeping pills must have been crap because he stared up at his ceiling for a good part of the night.

Legs twisted in the sheets, body too warm with sweat, he was half aware when he lifted his hands and the shadows were like blood on his hands. The wetness on his hands felt too real. He ripped the sheets on his way to get the lights. There was no blood, and yet his hands continued to shake no matter how hard he clenched them. He drove a hand into the nightstand. Wood exploded. The lamp and books clattered to the ground.

Now there was only his own blood across his knuckles. Slowly, as if he were waking up, Shizuo came to. He went to the kitchen to run his hand under the faucet. The scrapes were nearly closed up as Shizuo applied several band-aids.

He'd forgotten the phone and with a start, he realized that he'd left it on the nightstand he'd just broken. It was still in one piece on the floor. There were no cracks but a piece of plastic had chipped. Shizuo treated it as if it could break any second. It worked. He checked the buttons, clicked on his contacts, and hovered over Izaya's name.

He could call to see if he was sleeping. But what if he woke him up? It was 4:49. He put the phone down before he impulsively called, but then he got another idea. A text wouldn't be too bothersome.

Shizuo scowled and placed the phone just within reach.

Was he going to want to call every time he got like this—any time he woke up from a nightmare, looking in the dark for something missing.

He knew it wasn't just a phone call that he wanted, and that was part of the problem. Shizuo kicked at his covers, angry at himself. He flopped down onto his futon and took a few deep breaths.

It would be fine. Izaya will message him soon and then Shizuo wouldn't have to worry anymore. It was an easy solution and yet damningly unsatisfying because there was nothing more after. Shizuo would return to work, and Izaya would do whatever he wanted.

Shizuo recalled that promise they'd made, that Izaya could come into Ikebukuro whenever he wanted. It had seemed like a necessary inconvenience back then, but now Shizuo would be glad if he did. Except it wasn't like Izaya had any reason to stop by to see him, not with the way they parted indicated.

Fuck, if he knew it was going to be this annoying, he should have broken down that damn train door and gone with Izaya to wherever. It was much better than this not knowing. But there was no way Shizuo could have done anything different. He'd just have to bury his disappointment, even if that meant never seeing Izaya again except in passing on the streets...if he was allowed that. The only thing he could do was let Izaya go.

The very thought had him gripping his sheets hard, the fabric tearing like streams of paper, but it was as if something was ripping further inside where the seams were already drawn too tight.

Shizuo lurched out of bed, but he had nowhere to go but the confines of his own dark room. His steps were surely traveling down to the apartment below though he didn't care in the slightest. He had too much unchecked energy. A run around the block or having something to hit would have helped, but Shizuo wasn't sure if he stepped outside that he could stop himself from making trouble. He did a series of one-armed push-ups until he felt the burn as deep in his bones.

Tired at last, he took a cold shower and was able to think clearer. If this was what he was experiencing, then he couldn't imagine what Izaya was feeling. Admittedly, he hadn't really thought too hard about how to respond to Izaya's confession. Perhaps if he had, he wouldn't be in this mess.

Back in the caves it had seemed more of an impossibility that Izaya could actually feel that way about him when for the most part only violence had been directed his way. Shizuo hadn't wanted to fully accept those words because it seemed too unreal. It didn't add up to what he envisioned love to be. Then again, Izaya had always been inconceivable to the point of being impossible to understand—never responding normally to whatever Shizuo threw at him. Maybe that's why he could breathe words of love when anyone else would have been rightly appalled after witnessing a bloodbath.

Shizuo had no idea what to make of it all since he'd never been in love before. He knew though that he'd never want to hurt the person he was with and if he was going to be with someone he wanted to do it properly, or as properly as someone like him could offer. While it was obvious that he no longer wished to hurt Izaya, and that he still felt terrible for almost killing him, that didn't mean more...

He frowned, retracing his thoughts. Sure, he cared but he cared about all of the people he considered important to him. Though not to this awareness like he did with Izaya.

"Am I seriously considering that I love him?" Shizuo mumbled to himself and turned off the taps as he had enough of his shower. "I must be dead tired."

The thought didn't slip away as easily as the water down the drain; it lingered. As he towel dried his hair, changed into sweats, and got a glass of milk, his thoughts continued to prod at the edge of his awareness each time he wondered about Izaya.

It was only because he felt guilty and missed Izaya that he was thinking such things. These words he repeated in his mind in hopes of drowning anything else. The last thing he needed was to be in love. He wasn't fit for it. He'd sooner tear out his own heart than risk destroying the one he loved.

He'd once thought that the most painful thing was living with his broken, fucked up self, but that might as well have been said by a completely different person. It was as if he'd been gutted in the chest and sent hurtling into the depths of the ocean. Yeah, he knew that pain and the reason for it; the one thing worse than living with himself was losing someone whose life meant more than his own.

He was pushing away the only person he felt anything real for and it hurt more than he could have imagined.

Shit, shit, shit.

He cursed a string of words and dropped down onto the living room couch. "Shit, shit, ah, fuck, I do, I do."

He always did the one thing he wasn't supposed to. There was no running from something inside him, no escape from himself, he could only accept it and accept the parts he despised because someone else had already accepted it for him. "I do love him."

He raked a hand over his face, wishing that he didn't.

The change from night to morning was slow, withdrawn. Above him was the shape of the round ceiling fixture and Shizuo stared at it for hours, only blinking when absolutely necessary.

The sounds of his neighbors waking traveled through the thin walls: steps from above, an alarm clock left to vibrate for minutes, muted talking below. It went on like this till one by one they left, and after that there was only outside traffic in its place. Through it all, Shizuo rarely stirred. It was better listening to this—less to think about. These noises were nothing and filled the emptiness around him, but it was impossible to fool his own loneliness. He was too tired to keep up with his thoughts, preferring to shut down instead.

It didn't matter if he was being a coward because it was only to himself and that was the point. As if he'd drag another person down with him.

His food slowly ran out. He lost track of how many days it had been, but every hour he'd check his phone and charge it when necessary. He was forced to go out for groceries once more and he went further to a different convenience store. He barely noticed the people this time, his gaze was lowered to his feet. He probably looked like shit since that was how he felt.

On the way back to his apartment, he picked up the mail.

Again it was mostly advertisements. A single piece of paper slipped from the bundle and he picked up a postcard in a foreign language. The front image had a cartoon bear with a bottle of beer visiting some royal looking palace. The back had a bunch of words he couldn't read. The postage though indicated that it was from Russia. Shizuo got a bad feeling about it.

He did have Vorona's number and could always send a photo of it. He typed her a quick hey and asked if she could translate something if she wasn't busy.

[So it is true you have returned, Shizuo-senpai. This news is most welcome. Tom-san's safety was kept in your absence. I am free now. What do you need assistance with?]

[i got this postcard and I think its in Russian. Do you mind translating it?]

[That would be no problem.]

Shizuo took a picture and sent the photo.

[The postcard says 'To Shizu-chan and friend, I've returned to my home safely and have acquired a great deal of money. Let me come over and we can celebrate with drink. I would like to have drinking contest and know who is the strongest between us. I have good friend who lives where you are. He told me where I could try the best sushi and drink expensive alcohol, all Russian favorites. It will be my treat. I will visit soon, Jakow Rokossovsky'. What a coincidence, if this is the same man who smells of pigs feet then I know him. Is it that you two are engaged in friendship?]

It was a miracle Shizuo didn't break his phone. It took him several tries to type something coherent. [Thanks Vorona. No, he and I aren't friends. Did it say when he was coming?]

[No, only that it would be soon.] [If he is not friend, is he then enemy?]

[I don't like him. I'll avoid him when he comes] Shizuo would be sure to get as far away from that man as possible. How the hell did he get his contact info?

[When do you plan to return? Shizuo-senpai's presence is missed.] Vorona texted.

[i'll come back soon. Thanks for taking care of things]

[No problem. I look forward to the day you return.]

Fifteen minutes later, while testily eating cereal, his phone vibrated once more and he hadn't expected her to text him again. He slid it on and saw it was a message from Izaya.

He immediately clicked it and dropped his spoon into his bowl.

[It's done.]

The text came with a surge of relief. His previous anger dissolved. Shizuo felt it to his bones, overwhelming in the best of ways. So Izaya was okay. He wanted to see him and pull him into a careful hug. His first instinct was to call.

He left his bowl on the kitchen table where the corn flakes were left to sog. Shizuo texted as he went out the door. The message was a simple 'where are you'. His steps were lighter than they had been all week. Izaya responded that he was in his apartment in Shinjuku.

Shizuo took public transportation, and he was halfway there before he saw himself in the reflection of the glass window. He looked nearly as wild as he did when on the island. The major difference here was that he had a plain white shirt.

He ran a hand through his hair to tame it. He'd washed recently, the night before, and suddenly he was glad for that. All the time spent away only made him more restless.

He'd only take a look, he told himself. He'd see for himself that Izaya was okay and then he could feel better again. He could leave and step quietly out of Izaya's life. Shizuo didn't let his emotions twist because he was seeing Izaya and he didn't want to ruin it by going with a foul mood.

He was at the apartment building and Shizuo took the stairs, suddenly anxious. He was half worried that somehow he'd do something stupid. He didn't tell Izaya anything in the last text, only that he was coming.

He double checked the number on the door. His hesitation lasted the span of the furious beating of his heart that had nothing to do with the stairs he'd just walked. He rung the doorbell.

There was a definite noise beyond the door, and Shizuo waited some tense seconds. He swept the hair out of his eyes, not having noticed the humidity of the city's late summer day until it was sticking to him. He wiped his sweaty palms against his pants.

Izaya unlocked the door. A cool breeze came through, the aircon was as strong as a department building. Izaya looked exactly as he always did, impeccable, healthy, and maddingly perfect. His slight grin always hinted that he knew more than what was going on.

Shizuo didn't care that he was staring. He had to stop the impulse to step inside and hug him.

Izaya grinned wider, satisfied as if he knew. The door opened further as he spread his arms. "Why don't you come inside, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo nodded and dumbly followed. A week's worth of questions were floating in his brain, things like how he'd been, was he getting proper rest, was it really over, but Shizuo couldn't articulate any of that when he could barely swallow past the knowledge that this would inevitably end in goodbye. The past few days had prepared him for nothing.

Animal slippers were set out for him. He stared at them for a second and Izaya laughed. "Gifts from my sisters," he explained. A matching set was on Izaya and it was endearing in ways that broke him.

"Oh."

Shizuo went further inside. Izaya's place was spacious, expensive, and spoke of great tastes. It was the exact opposite of his own apartment. A tea set was prepared on the coffee table and Izaya was already pouring two cups.

Shizuo had only come to see Izaya, but here he was on Izaya's leather sofa with a cup of barley tea.

"So how have you been?" Izaya asked, probably bored of Shizuo staring into his cup. It was easier than making eye contact.

He looked up long enough for his desires to conflict. Shizuo shrugged, his hands going sweaty from nerves. "As good as I'll ever be."

Izaya hummed and swirled the contents of his tea. "And does that include getting at least one decent night's rest?"

Shizuo frowned. "Yeah." He did, that first night home. Well, he did sleep, just not at night. "What about you?"

"Just as well." Izaya took a sip of his hot drink. Steam glided over his lips, swirling over keen eyes.

Shizuo should never have kissed Izaya. It was the one thing he'd repeated in his mind. He wished he hadn't. He wished he didn't know. Knowing was dangerous.

"As I said in the text, there is nothing more to worry about. They won't be bothering us anymore. I made sure they paid the right amount."

Shizuo didn't know what that entailed, he was only partly listening, but as long as it meant that they wouldn't go after Izaya, then that was what mattered. "Good."

Izaya set his cup down. Shizuo saw him in the reflection of the big flat screen TV attached to the wall. "So tell me, what did you come all of this way for?"

This got his full attention. Shizuo could hardly say that he'd come impulsively, or that he'd missed him, but he also couldn't say something untrue. His brain was coming up short. "To see you..." He said it as it was. "I had to be sure you were okay."

"Yes, well that would be more believable if you'd actually look at me for longer than five seconds." Shizuo hadn't realized that. He turned now, his thoughts more uneasy, a jumbled mess inside him. "And now that you've seen me, will you be on your way? Perhaps I should have sent a photo and spared you the trip."

For reasons he was now aware of, his unease hurtled into something painful, jarring. Only three minutes here and Shizuo had already messed up. "Should I go?" It was the opposite of what he wanted. But he didn't know what was wanted of him.

Izaya sighed. "I'm not kicking you out. You know I spent nearly every waking moment since arriving working. I've only just got back. I just don't know how much good company I'll make now."

Shizuo shouldn't be relieved to hear this but he was. "I can come back another time then?"

Izaya crossed his legs and made a show of getting more comfortable. "No, no. It's fine, really." He poured himself another cup. Shizuo had yet to touch his own. "So what have you been up to?"

"Not much," Shizuo said, his thoughts scrambled for whatever productive things he'd done. There wasn't much. "Stayed home mostly. Cleaned."

"I see. Well, Shinra visited me. He said he saw you and that you were miserable. Is that true?"

Damnit Shinra! "What? I didn't say that at all!"

"My mistake. He said that you seemed miserable," Izaya amended, but it wasn't much better.

"That's because half the time he ends up pissing me off. Whatever, he's a pain in the ass to deal with."

"So then you were fine?"

Shizuo was about to mutter a gruff yes, but this was Izaya who would best understand him. "What do you think?"

Izaya hummed, toyed with the cup as if examining it, before giving him a sidelong glance. "Remember what I said? That suffering ceases to be suffering once you find meaning in it. Right, you do. Then you remember what you said to that."

Shizuo did remember. "Yeah, so what?"

"Suffering ceases to be suffering when you say 'fuck it', not so easy to do, huh? That's because you feel guilty. And this guilt has nowhere to go because you won't forgive yourself for what you had no real control over."

Shizuo nearly bit his tongue with the force he snapped his teeth together.

"And because you had no control over the situation, you believe you have no control over yourself. Is that right?"

Shizuo didn't respond. He would have done something with his hands if he could steady them.

Izaya continued, his tone without a trace of mockery, and it was for this reason that Shizuo remained seated. "Did you know that I no longer feel so guilty for what I did, not that it's completely gone, but I can survive it. I took someone's life. I was wrong to think out of both of us, you should have been the one to do it, and thus I tried fixing it by bringing you down to the same level. But that wasn't the way to make things right. You did have enough control to stop when I didn't."

A self-deprecating smile disappeared as quickly as it came. Izaya shook his head. "It was when I went back for you...the night that your collar was meant to go off, that was when I let go of what I'd done. It's when I did that, believe it or not, that I was in a sense saved and able to let go. So thank you for not turning me away then even though you had every right to."

"Of course there will always be a bit of suffering and a bit of guilt for the worst we ever made ourselves out to be, but that's also what makes us human. That's why we aren't the monsters no matter what our thoughts say otherwise. You didn't do anything wrong, Shizu-chan. Maybe one day you can find your reason to let go of your hatred for yourself."

"Or maybe you will just end up saying fuck it." Izaya shrugged. "That would be just as fitting an end."

As clearly as he'd ever gotten some sense knocked into him, and thankfully without the need for a bat against the back of his skull, Shizuo was beginning to see the possibility that he'd feared to accept. He did want more and he didn't have to listen to the coward in his thoughts that said it was impossible for someone like him.

He picked up the cup and drained it in one go. The hot tea further loosened the ache of having ground his teeth together. Keeping away now was the worst things he could do to either of them; he saw that now. It didn't have to be how things ended.

"Thanks," Shizuo said. "I needed that."

Izaya inclined his head and offered more tea.

The problem with someone becoming more important than even yourself is that you can no longer live without them. And Shizuo wouldn't let anyone take him away, not even himself.

A sense of peace came to him. It was the closest he had come to relaxing in a long time.

He'd do this as Izaya deserved, properly.

"So, Izaya, you in the mood for tuna?"

"I haven't had lunch yet if that's what you are asking." His eyes belied that he already knew. The hint of a grin was only just forming.

Shizuo felt all the nerves as one would asking someone on a first date, and for him that meant it felt right. Meaningful. He didn't ask because he promised, he did it because he wanted to.

"Then how about that date to Russia Sushi?"

Thank you, everyone, who stuck around and told me your thoughts. It was a fun journey 3