CHAPTER 32 : LOVE ENCOMPASSES FORGIVENESS

Arthur gave a final sniff and a weak smile and said, "Merlin, I was a complete fool. I was so sure of myself with you, that I was selfish and mean. If I had only spoken up at the moment, we mightn't have needed to be here today in this mess.

"Deep down I knew that I wasn't physically ready for sex. No one wants to acknowledge that and so when you asked me, I panicked. Yes, I had experienced stirrings but nothing strong enough to give me the confidence I needed. I was shocked by my words and reaction but I had already pushed you away and I couldn't find the words I needed to explain my stupid behaviour. I lay awake wondering what would happen if I sidled up to you again but you had always been the strong one and at that moment I wondered if maybe I was holding you back and that you could live a happier life with someone else."

Merlin shook his head but Arthur wasn't looking at him.

"As the hours passed, the feelings became more ingrained. I was a failure, you had spent nearly a year with me and I couldn't even perform like a normal man. I went deeper and deeper into despair tinged with fear yet I never reached out for you or spoke.

"I felt awful the following morning, embarrassed and so guilty but I couldn't do anything about it. It was as if my former self which had been able to cope with practically anything had disappeared and I was just hanging onto life by a thread.

"When I returned, seeing your car keys on my table really upset me. I had an awful feeling that this just wasn't a walk in the woods or to the village which had taken longer than expected. I waited for you, I couldn't figure out where you were and by six o'clock the next morning I phoned the police but your age and the number of hours missing meant that nothing would be accomplished for a few days. They told me to contact them again after forty-eight hours.

"I convinced myself that you would come back of your own accord so I stayed at Minton and waited. The days dragged on and I didn't even leave my room. Finally, in desperation I think, Hodge told me that he had driven you to the station and felt that you were taking the London train. I phoned Tom being certain that you were there but he said that neither he nor Ellie had seen you. Then I phoned Gawaine…and much later found out that you were safe.

"I sat down and went over the literature which had been given to me when I left St. Swithin's. You'd put it in a file and this time I read it, instead of chucking it to one side. It answered a few of my questions and as Dr. Mooney from St. Swithin's name was on it, I reached out to him and he agreed to see me. I saw him the day you phoned and in short, he said that I had to face the problem without laying any blame on myself or my partner. I told him that we were still together and he didn't seem at all surprised," Arthur smiled and said as if to himself, 'I think he is a fan of yours.'

Merlin's mind was all over the place; how Arthur had explained the sequence of events had made sense. He was glad that he'd seen Dr. Mooney again as if he needed help that was a better source than friends or the internet.

Deciding that as much as was going to be accomplished had been, Merlin stood up saying, "I think it's time I left."

Arthur looked up at him saying, "My car is parked two streets away and we can go to Caddock and then out to dinner as there isn't anything very interesting in the house."

"No, Arthur, I need to have time to go through everything that you have said. I'm not ready yet to make a decision. I need to sleep on it." He felt mean but he didn't trust himself as he knew that once he got in Arthur's car there would be no turning back.

Arthur was quiet but finally said, "Could I maybe tell Spot that she might be seeing you soon?" Merlin didn't reply therefore Arthur continued, "Take all the time you need, I am serious about us; I have another session with Dr. Mooney on Friday. May I at least call you tomorrow?"

"I think it would be better if I called you when I next want to see you, maybe lunch at Costa's?" Merlin said with a little smile. "Thanks for the latte and agreeing to meet me. I do still have feelings for you but just need to get a few things straight in my mind."

Arthur stepped toward him and was allowed to put his arms around him. He said softly, "Merlin, take care of yourself, Love!"

Merlin's heart was screaming, 'Kiss him, you fool!' However, his mind in control had whispered, 'You're not ready yet and neither is he.'

He turned and left as Arthur slipped back onto the bench and put his head in his hands shutting out the distant hum of traffic and the sound of Merlin's footsteps as he left.

-0-0-

To clear his head, Merlin started to walk back to Gawaine's. Deep down, he knew what he wanted to do but he still had a few things that he wanted to run through his mind before making a decision. He felt in two minds, he could hear his mother saying, 'Nothing ventured nothing gained' but then also hadn't someone else said something about 'acting in haste and repenting in leisure'?'

When Arthur had put his arms around him it had felt right in his heart and surprisingly in his mind. Maybe he was just thinking too much. Arthur's explanation of the sequence of events made sense. Seeking help from a counsellor showed that he had considered his reaction to what had happened serious and a serious threat if he wanted their relationship to continue. He hadn't brushed it off by saying offhandedly, 'Get over it, Merlin!' He had acknowledged that he was embarrassed and frightened by his behaviour.

Merlin's heart took over and he knew that deep down far away from everything, in that place which only he ruled that the decision had already been made. He took a deep breath. Should he phone Arthur when he got home or should he wait until he had had a few more sessions with Dr. Mooney? He decided that tomorrow he would contact Arthur and tell him that…

…too late to take any decisive action, he felt something knock into him. He was certain the light had been in his favour and he crumbled back into the kerb, smacking his head. It was strange as when he opened his eyes, he felt as if he had just woken up. People were talking to him and he could hear someone yelling, "You drove into him, you stupid idiot. As pedestrians, we had the right of way! You didn't! Your light was red!"

An older woman, he remembered that she had M&S shopping bags, knelt down saying, "Young man, are you all right? You gave yourself a nasty blow to the head." He tried to scramble to his feet; he was embarrassed to be causing so much trouble. His arm wasn't right and he couldn't straighten up. The pain hit him suddenly and he knew without a doubt that his collar bone had snapped…again.

A man slightly older than him with a phone to his ear came forward and said that he was a paramedic and that he had called an ambulance as he needed to go to the A&E about his shoulder. Merlin nodded and for a second thought how kind most people were. Another young man and the paramedic got him to his feet and sat him on a planter outside a cafe. "I'm Stephen, I'll stay with you until the ambulance arrives," the paramedic told him.

Merlin was apologetic about needing help but the man had just laughed and said, "It's literally, all in a day's work."

Merlin grinned back at him.

A policeman on a motor bike arrived first and took all the pertinent details. The man who had been yelling at the car driver, came forward as a witness, giving his name, the licence plate and description of the driver and car, adding that once the traffic had started rolling again, the man had driven off giving him the finger.

The policeman jotted everything down and thanked the man for waiting around. The stranger shrugged and said, "It could have been one of my family members and I hope someone will do the same for them if ever they are struck."

The ambulance pulled up and Stephen said, "Well, let's get you loaded. I think there is not need for a stretcher. They will just let you sit and stabilise your shoulder and take your stats on the way to the hospital." True to his word, that is what happened. Merlin thanked everyone who had helped him and was finally driven away.

He was furious with himself, even though it had obviously not been his fault, he felt to blame as he should have gone by underground as now he would have been back at Gawaine's instead of sitting waiting for someone to look at him and get his collar bone seen to.

In x-ray, a nurse came in, gave him some pain medication and helped him to remove everything above the waist, including the emergency strapping. She slipped his good arm into the hospital gown, draping the other part over his shoulder, as she told him to hold his other arm to his chest and keep it there. He sat and waited. He looked at his clothes beside him, noticing that the elbow on his new jacket was torn.

Of course, the x-rays showed the previous break and the doctor reading it said that she felt that there was probably a weakness and that he should be more careful. She continued reading his admittance report and concluded that it probably wasn't his fault but that once it was back in place he really should looked after himself better. "Stop running into cars," she said with a smile. The pain medication had started to take effect and Merlin grinned back at her.

Once again he was trundled into another area and waited to see the orthopaedic surgeon on duty who would manipulate the bone back into place. Luckily, he wasn't in pain but the thought of it turned his stomach.

Finally, he was back in the general waiting area and was asked if he needed to call a taxi. He explained that if someone could dial a number, he could hopefully get a lift home.

The phone rang and he waited for Gawaine to pick up, "Gawaine?"

"Merlin? It's nearly midnight. We were worried, are you with him now?"

"I'll tell you about that later but I had a slight accident,

"Arthur?"

"No, a car you idiot!" Could you come and get me I'm at the Royal? I would have phoned earlier but I couldn't get service and I knew I was going to be here for some time. Just drive to pick-up, I'll wait near the door. I hate to get you out of bed but…"

"Don't worry, I'm out of bed already. See you there in about fifteen minutes."

Gawaine looked at the empty side of the bed, Bridie was on night shift. He would have felt better talking to her. He left the flat and raced down to the street.

-0-0-

Helping him into bed and giving him another pill for the pain, Gawaine looked at Merlin. He was going through a rough time. In the car, he'd brought him up to date on what had happened about the accident but said that he really wanted to try to sleep and he would tell him more tomorrow.

'Dejá Vu…' thought Merlin as he shifted uncomfortably as he tried to settle in bed.

He was awoken in the morning by Bridie who wanted to know if he needed help getting up. He accepted her help and was soon wrapped in one of Gawaine's dressing gowns and sitting at the kitchen table in front of a glass of water with his pills and a bowl of porridge. He told them that he had met Arthur as planned but did not reveal any details which he felt were private just between the two of them.

"So," said Gawaine, "He isn't a hopeless case after all?"

Merlin smiled saying, "No, lucky for me, he has some saving qualities." His shoulder was hurting and even using his other hand, every now and again, the pain would flare up.

Bridie insisted that after breakfast, he either returned to bed or lay on the sofa. He decided to give them some peace and left to return to the little room where he had been sleeping.

Gawaine left for work but Bridie was around till three. Just as well, as he appreciated the sandwiches and cups of tea. She left for work telling him that Gawaine would be bringing supper home with him.

-0-0-

Merlin spent the following day, quietly at Gawaine's. He walked around the block to get some fresh air and paid special attention to kerbs. He'd heard from the police that the car which had hit him had been reported stolen two days earlier in Wimbledon. He faithfully took his medication and was back to trying to live left-handed.

He'd thought about Arthur continually and knew that the decision he had come to was for him the correct one.

Gawaine had again asked him how the meeting had gone. Merlin added that Arthur had been quite upset but that he felt that the meeting had been useful. Further than that, he had made no comment as it was really between Arthur and himself.

He hadn't yet contacted him. He would but he didn't feel that he would be able to think straight at the moment. He was upset about his collar bone. He was worried that this was going to be an ongoing weakness even though the medical staff at the hospital had told him that that was highly unlikely. He felt stiff all over and one side of his head, his upper arm and his elbow were bruised.

His jeans were dusty and Bridie had given them a good brushing but said that his jacket would need to be professionally repaired and cleaned. She had taken it with her when she'd gone into the hospital that afternoon.

He had the place to himself, so lay on the sofa and turned on the TV. He dozed during some movie or another and came to listening to an old song by the Righteous brothers, 'Oh, my Love, my darling, I hunger for your touch...' He blamed it on the medication but soon tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing, 'Time goes by so lonely and time can mean so much...' He sniffed and sat up. It was the movie Ghost and the lines continued to bombard his mind. 'Are you still mine?' He drew his sleeve across his eyes, '...I need your love, God speed your love to me.'

He remembered the movie and the song. As a teenager he'd watched a rerun on TV and had teased his mother when she had got teary-eyed towards the end. Sometime, he should remind her and apologise because in his current state he understood that his mother must have been thinking about his dad. He wiped his eyes again and felt like a real fool but one thing was accomplished because of the song. He turned off the TV, picked up his phone and called Arthur who picked up after the third ring and said, "Merlin?"

Tears were threatening again and all Merlin could say was, "I need you, now! Could you…come over to Gawaine's?"

"Merlin love, I'll be right there."

Merlin gave his face a good wash. Although it was not technically due, he took another pain pill and straightened up the pillows on the sofa. He then carefully filled the kettle and clasping it to his chest managed to get it back on the counter. He took down two mugs and then decided that if Arthur wanted biscuits, he could get them himself.

Within twenty minutes, the doorbell rang and Merlin made his way to open it. Arthur stood there with a bottle of wine, his face dropped as he saw the familiar strapping on Merlin's shoulder and the sling.

"What happened? When did you hurt yourself?

"A car and I had an altercation after I left you."

"Why didn't you call me immediately? You idiot, I would have dropped everything to come you!" He put his arm around Merlin's waist and carefully placed a light kiss on his cheek, "How did you do it?"

"I wasn't really paying attention, I was thinking of you! I just followed the crowd into the street when the light changed but a car which was turning didn't stop and hit me. I was miles away. "

Arthur smiled softly and said, "Where?"

"I was in Minton waking up in bed, knowing that you were beside me and seeing the deer under the oak trees in the park."

Merlin allowed Arthur to kiss him and gently responded. Arthur was treating him like a piece of precious Crown Derby. He didn't complain as with the stiffness and the pain in his shoulder he did feel rather fragile. He was escorted to the sofa. Arthur, smiled as he rearranged the pillows for him and made sure he was comfortable. He intended to take him back to Minton as soon as he felt well enough to go in a car. He saw the mugs and said, "Do you want me to put on the kettle?"

Merlin shook his head and patted the sofa beside him, "Not now, sit down."

Arthur did and Merlin took his hand, snuggling into him, "I missed you, I realise now that we were both two stupid fools who instead of talking retreated into our shells and made things worse than what they really were. I love you as you are and if this is the way we will be for the rest of our lives, I can live with that. I was so lonely without you, I was stupid. Can you ever forgive me?"

Arthur smiled at him saying, "If only I could erase all that happened from your mind, I would! Dr. Mooney said that we have to keep talking to each other regardless of what happens. It is so important that we both understand not only what is happening but also how it is affecting our relationship. He said that I mustn't keep things to myself but talk things out as ultimately two heads would always be better than one."

"You told him we were still a couple?"

"Merlin, I had no intention of giving up so easily. I knew I wanted to be with you and I was so sure that you felt the same way even though I had treated you badly. I was right wasn't I? I would have moved mountains to get back in your life again. I can be quite determined when necessary." He smiled, lifting the hand he was holding and carefully kissed Merlin's fingers.

Merlin said nothing and Arthur glanced over at him to see that he had fallen asleep. He moved slightly and pulled the throw off the back of the sofa, draping it over them and softly kissed him, whispering, "I love you, Merlin, I always have and always will.

-0-0-

Gawaine walked in a couple of hours later not at all surprised to have another visitor. He nodded at Arthur, thinking to himself, 'Go for it, Merlin!'

Arthur said, "He fell asleep…"

"Bridie says that it's a reaction to the pain killers. Not to worry though as he needs it, I don't think he has been sleeping very well over the last couple of weeks."

"I was a fool, Gawaine!"

"Agreed!" said Gawaine turning away, "Tea?"

Merlin began to stir at the voices and opened his eyes; he smiled lazily at Arthur and then saw Gawaine. He grinned at him saying, "I made my decision…"

"So I see," said Gawaine, "Thank Goodness, as you both deserve each other!"

-0-0-

Time heals all wounds and within the year, as expected Merlin had been willing and Arthur had taken their loving to the next stage.

Two years later, Gawaine and Bridie had set a date for a late spring wedding. Merlin and Arthur had flown to Ireland to attend. It had been a happy affair, the bride looked stunning and Merlin didn't think that he had ever seen Gawaine looking happier. Arthur had held his hand as the others had said their vows and whispered, "Maybe, one day…?"

Later that night, happily wrapped in each other arms, Merlin turned and smiled at Arthur saying, "All love stories are beautiful…but ours is my favourite!"

THE END

Unchained Melody, 1955 Music: Alex North, Lyrics: Hy Zaret. One of the most recorded songs of the twentieth century with over 500 versions. 1965 version by The Righteous Brothers was used in the 1990 film Ghost.