This is a repost.

Also, this should not be read if you're in the mood for something happy.

...

After I'm Gone.

5

"I don't want to do this anymore."

Immediately the words leave her mouth, she wants to take them back. Not because she wants them unsaid, but because she needs to say them differently. Make them hurt less, make them sting less.

But she can't. Not only because they've already been heard, but also because they're already being comprehended.

She can practically see the brunette rolling the words in her mind, making sense of them.

She knows it's only some time now before glazed eyes tell her that the impact of her words has made its way to the other woman's heart.

"I," she desperately tries to find the words to put out there. Not just any words, the right words.

She might not be able to take words back, but she can pour out more words to dilute the venom of the previous ones.

At least she hopes she can.

"¬I didn't mean that." As soon as those words leave her mouth, she shuts her eyes.

That's not what she meant to say.

That's not what she meant to say because that's a lie.

She did mean to say the words she'd said. She just didn't mean to say them in such a hurtful manner because by themselves, without the added venom of insensitive wording, the words are hurtful enough.

"You didn't mean that?"

The brunette sounds incredulous.

Like she cannot believe the words that are coming out of her fiance's mouth at this moment in time.

"I," the blond starts, not knowing exactly what to say but she knows she has to say something.

Anything.

"Then what did you mean?"

That question gives her a pause.

Here's her chance to say what she meant to say, what she did say, using better ¬less hurtful¬ words.

So she takes her time, she needs to make sure she doesn't mess it up again.

"Well?"

Apparently she's taking too long. She opens her eyes, she had forgotten she had closed them.

"I'm just tired, you know." She starts softly, imploringly, openly begging to be understood.

The other woman nods, tears pooling in her eyes but visibly keeping them away, "I know baby, but you need this medicine, it's helping you."

She sounds like she's begging to be understood too.

"No, it's making me tired and drowsy. Half the time you're here I can't even register your presence. And that's, "she licks her dry lips, making her eyes as soft as they can get,, "that's not how I want to spend the time I have left with you."

"Don't talk like that." The brunette sounds angry now.

She always gets angry whenever this line of conversation is brought up.

"Bo¬"

"No, Lauren. You're not dying, okay. I won't let you die."

The last part of the sentence is whispered out because tears are falling freely from her eyes now and Lauren hates herself for even bringing this conversation up..

She hates it when Bo cries.

Ever since they met in the orphanage when they were six and Bo beat up a boy who was teasing Lauren about her geeky glasses, the brunette has always been the stronger one between the two of them.

She always told Lauren that no matter what, as long as they were together she was ready to anyone and anything that came their way.

And she had done that without fail for twenty two years.

But this was something that was beyond even her and Lauren didn't know how to make her see that.

And it was breaking her heart.

...

"What are you doing?"

Lauren asked the brunette who was staring at her palm intently like it held the secret to immortality.

"Checking your life line, I want to make sure you'll be around for a while."

Sometimes Bo thinks that moment, on her bed, in pyjamas, reading the blond's palm, was the moment she fell in love with Lauren Lewis.

She had been so trusting, so believing. Bo had told her that according to her palm, she would be around for years to come.

They were thirteen, they had spent almost every single day for the past seven years together, Lauren knew full well Bo knew nothing about palm reading but still, she had believed that what Bo said was the truth.

And that was the thing about Lauren that made Bo fell humbled and proud both at the same time, she had implicit faith in the brunette.

She believed wholeheartedly in the brunette and Bo needed that more than she needed oxygen.

She needed Lauren more than her next breath.

It was unhealthy and not advisable but it was what it was.

That wasn't going to change any time soon.

...

"Hey,"

Its hours after their argument and Lauren has just woken up from a nap.

She doesn't know how long she was asleep, but the curtains are drawn and the room looks brighter.

There are also fresh flowers everywhere and that makes her smile.

Bo knows she loves flowers.

"Hey." She rasps back, "I see you've been busy." She says trying to make her voice light.

Bo smiles, but there's sadness in her eyes, "I wanted to make you smile. I haven't been doing that a lot lately."

That makes Lauren frown and her frail hand reaches for the brunette's soft one.

She tags their fingers together and smiles when she notices that even with all the shit that's going on, their hands still fit together like they were meant to be.

"Yes you have." She says with uttermost conviction because it's true.

Bo is here, in this room, everyday. The only time she leaves is when Lauren forces her to and she's always back mere hours later.

She always brings magazines and books that she thinks the blonde will like so that Lauren won't get bored.

She makes sure that Lauren's room is never without a vase of flowers and that her hand is held through every single thing.

"You're the only thing that is still capable of making me smile, Bo. You have to know that."

"I was so mean earlier, though. You're on this bed, in this room, in this goddamned hospital and you're in pain and I'm ...I'm acting like it's all about me." Tears stream from her eyes, "I'm so sorry, baby. I just, I don't know what to do. All I know is that I can't live without you. That's all I know."

Lauren wants to tell her she'll never have to, that used to be their line.

You don't have to worry about living without me because you'll never have to.

But she cannot truthfully say that anymore so she settles scooting a bit on the bed and wordlessly inviting the crying brunette to lie beside her.

As soon as Bo gets comfortable, she throws her arms around her and holds her as tightly as she can.

It's not much, but it'll have to do for now.

...

"What do you mean Lauren can't come?"

Bo asked her friend, Amy.

It was the summer before freshman year and the cool kids were going to meet their fellow cool kids in what was being termed the best, biggest party of the year.

Bo of course had been invited.

But Lauren hadn't and that was something Bo was going to put right.

"Well, she's a geek and my party is going to be a geek free zone." The girl said haughtily.

Bo rolled her eyes and threw the invitation card at the girl, "consider your party a Bo free zone too then."

She turned up in Lauren's room an hour later to find her best friend already in her pyjamas, reading one of her many novels.

"Bo," she looked surprised, "what are you doing here."

"I happen to live here," Bo jumped on the bed and gave her best friend a playful smile.

Lauren rolled her eyes and put her book aside, "I know that, dork. But I thought you had that party to go to tonight."

"I decided not to. I'd rather hang out with you than with a bunch of losers who think they're cool anyway. "

Lauren smiled at her adoringly and Bo looked away in an attempt to hide her blush, she found it hard to think when the blond smiled at her that way.

"So what's the plan for tonight?" She asked more for a change of topic than anything else.

"Reading?"

Bo scrunched her nose, "don't be gross, Lo. I'm sure we can find something to do."

Something to do ended up being getting wasted and having their first kiss.

A kiss that Lauren would not remember for years and that would drive Bo absolutely crazy at times.

...

"Do you remember that day when we ate weed cookies?"

She asks when Bo's sobs have quietened down.

She feels the brunette laugh on her chest.

It's real and unguarded and something she hasn't heard in days.

She'd missed that laugh.

"Yeah, and you ate like all the food in our fridge."

Lauren smiles fondly at the memory.

At how Bo tricked her into thinking the cookies were just regular cookies.

At how they danced around Bo's house like maniacs after eating them.

"You talk like you just stood there watching me eat that food. I remember you eating like half a chicken right along with me."

Bo laughs again.

Harder and for longer.

And when she's done, Lauren kisses her forehead.

"You'll always have those. The millions of memories we made. They'll always be yours and nobody will ever be able to take them away from you."

"I know, "she kisses Lauren's neck, "I know."

...

4

"Bo," she calls to the woman on the chair reading a magazine.

"Mmm?"

"I want to get out of here."

Bo lowers her magazine, her eyes look questioning.

"What do you mean, baby?"

"I just," she tries finding the right words, she doesn't need a repeat of yesterday, "I want to be somewhere with you, somewhere that's not here."

For a moment, Bo looks like she's about to refuse. Its cold chilly outside and they don't know what that will do to Lauren.

But the blondes looking at her with such pleading and hopeful eyes and she still feels like a jerk after yesterday.

She knows she could have handled that conversation better.

So instead of saying no, she takes Lauren's hand and kisses the back of it, "where do you want to go?"

...

Almost an hour later, they're in their car, Bo in the driver's seat and Lauren beside her, dressed like an Eskimo on Bo's insistence.

She alternates between just letting the wind play with the strands of her hair that have fallen out of her scarf and making waves with her hand.

She has a small peaceful smile on her lips and it warms Bo's heart and breaks it both at the same time.

The brunette doesn't get exactly how the universe expects her to live without the woman beside her.

She doesn't get how she's supposed to go on with life after Lauren is gone. And she knows Lauren thinks she doesn't want to deal with it, but that's not the case.

She just can't deal with it. She doesn't know how the fuck to.

A soft palm finds its way to her knees, cutting her thoughts off.

Lauren is still looking out the window, but her hand on Bo's knee is firm and grounding.

And Bo just knows that even without asking, Lauren knows what's running through her mind.

Like she always does.

...

They were eighteen and had just moved to the city after talking about it for years.

Finally they were here, Bo and Lauren, two best friends ready to take over the world.

Their apartment was tiny, their neighbor was noisy and judging by the contents Lauren had once seen of his shopping bag, she was certain the man who lived in the apartment on top of them made meth and she was convinced he was going to blow the shit out of them one day.

But even with all this, they loved living here.

Bo loved how she and Lauren could go to the roof top and just be by themselves, talking about nothing and everything.

How sometimes she would come from class and find Lauren cleaning the house, shaking her butt and singing along to music that she insisted that she hated.

She loved that they sometimes ate cold pizza for breakfast and cheerios for dinner and that Lauren left little reminder notes all over the house because she knew the brunette was extremely forgetful.

It made her smile every morning when she opened her bag and found a bottle of water and a neatly wrapped sandwich.

Lauren knew that Bo was swamped, having to attend classes and then go to work at night and packing lunch for Bo was her way of showing she cared.

Sometimes, when Bo wasn't busy, she cooked Lauren's favorite meals and cleaned the house because that always made Lauren smile. She made sure the bills were paid on time since she was the only one working between the two of them and she always, always made sure Lauren had everything she needed for school.

It was expensive as fuck and sometimes she had to ask for advance after advance and work double shifts just to make sure she stayed on top of things but it was worth it.

It was worth it because it was for Lauren and to her, Lauren was worth everything.

...

"What's wrong?"

It was on of those rear days when both Bo and Lauren were free on the same day.

They had cooked breakfast together, eaten together, did the dishes together. They had tried catching up, talked about those things that life didn't seem to give them the time to talk about.

Now it was evening and they were watching mindless TV, Bo's head on Lauren's lap with the blond playing with her hair when Lauren noticed that suddenly Bo seemed, off.

"It's nothing."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hide things from me. Come on, tell me what's wrong, you've suddenly grown quiet."

Bo sighed and sat up, "You'll think I'm being silly."

"No I won't." Lauren said sincerely.

Bo looked her in the eyes, "I-I miss you."

"I'm right here."

"Yeah, now you are. But what about tomorrow or the day after? It's not that I'm complaining Lo, you know I'm not I just-" she didn't know how to explain this without sounding whiny, she shrugged, "I miss you."

"I know what you mean,Bo and I miss you too." She gave the sad brunette a soft smile, "But this is only for a while. Soon I won't be so busy and you won't be so busy and we'll get to spend every single moment together."

Bo smiled back, "Yeah?"

Lauren nodded, "unless of course you find yourself someone to-"

She was cut off with a kiss on her cheek, "never gonna happen."

"Never?"

"Never ever."

Lauren's eyes got contemplative, "what are you trying to say Bo?"

Bo pecked, right on the lips and smiled like the two of them shared a secret no one else knew, "you know exactly what I'm trying to say."

And that was that.

They never had a long drawn out conversation on whether or not they were dating, if they were girlfriends, they both just knew that they were.

They always had

...

"Careful," Bo says helping Lauren out of the car.

The blond rolls her eyes, "I'm not made of glass,Bo."

"Humor me," she closes the door behind them and links Lauren's arm with her own.

They're at the beach, that's where Lauren wanted to be.

They have so many memories here; first kiss as a couple, first time they confessed their love, first anniversary as a couple.

it was their special place.

Bo could see why Lauren had chosen it.

"Let's sit," Lauren says already pulling the brunette down.

They settle comfortably, with Lauren's head on Bo's shoulder, their arms still linked.

"I love you, "Lauren breaks the silence, "you know that, right? That I love you?"

Bo's face breaks into a smile.

She kisses the top of Lauren's head.

"I know."

3

"Is this thing on?" Lauren muttered to herself then saw the red light, "It's on, okay," She smiled a big smile at the camera and waved, "Hi baby! Happy fourth anniversary. I hope I got you an awesome gift and if I didn't just know that I'm planning to, okay? okay." She chuckled then got a little more serious although her smile was still in place, "I love you. With everything that I am I love you and I hope I tell you that every single day. You're my world, Bo Dennis. You've been my world since we were six years old and you'll be my world forever. And I know I get on your nerves sometimes and you also get on mine but that doesn't doesn't matter because at the end of the day you're mine and I am so irrevocably yours." She smiled looking shyly at her fingers as if suddenly realizing all she had just said.

"I just,I wanted you to know that."

Then the screen went black.

...

Bo wipes her tears away and plays the video again, smiling as Lauren's adorable confused face lights up on the screen.

"Is this thing on? It's on, okay. Hi baby!..."

She tearfully chuckles at how childishly cute Lauren can be sometimes.

She wasn't meant to be here.

On the bedroom floor in their apartment that smells unlived in, watching a video over and over again.

Lauren had chased her from the hospital to come check on their cat- Einstein- and make sure he hadn't either starved or ruined the house or both.

Bo had refused at first, she never willingly left Lauren's side.

But the blond had insisted, she loved the darn cat.

Somehow, looking to make sure that Einny hadn't ruined anything resulted in Bo finding the video camera and the video that she was now watching obsessively.

.."I love you, with everything that I am, I love you."

God, what wouldn't she give to be able to go back to the time when this video was made.

Back when her world wasn't ending and she wasn't helpless to stop it.

Back when Lauren was happy and healthy and secretly making surprise videos.

There isn't a thing she wouldn't do to go back to a time when the world wasn't fucking her over and taking away the only person on earth who meant every single thing to her.

But the sad reality was that there was nothing she could do, and that more than anything broke her heart.

Because she was failing Lauren.

Lauren needed something and for the first time ever, Bo couldn't give it to her.

"You're mine and I am so irrevocably your's. I just, I wanted you to know that."

Then the screen goes black.

Bo starts the video yet again.

"Is this thing on?..."

2

"Are you trying to burn a hole in my head?"

Lauren asks Bo, who has been watching her for close to half an hour now, playfully

The brunette tears her eyes away and blushes, "Sorry"

Lauren shrugs the apology away, "it's okay," she stretches the bowl in her hand, "jello?"

Bo scrunches her nose, she hates jello and has never understood why Lauren likes the crap, "no thanks."

"More for me."

Lauren says eating her beloved jello, "Penny for your thoughts?" She says when Bo starts looking at her again.

Bo scoffs, "I'm not that cheap, Lewis."

Lauren rolls her eyes, "fine, I"ll give you two pennies"

Bo laughs "It's noth-" she is ready to lie but then she changes her mind, she has been thinking about this for days, she even shopped for it and everything, might as well do it.

She takes Lauren's hands in hers and takes in a large breath.

"Let's get married."

Lauren almost chokes, "what?"

"Let's get married." She says again, becoming more confident the more she speaks, "I mean, we're already engaged so..."

"Yeah but Bo, that was before, everything."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, Lauren, I don't. I proposed to you because I love and I want to be with you, that hasn't changed."

"Yes it has Bo. You deserve better."

"No Lauren, I deserve you. I have worked all my life to be worthy of you because I wanted to be good enough for you. It's all I've ever wanted to be your wife. I just want to be your wife Lauren."

"And I want to be yours."

"Then let's get married. Now, today-"

"Are you sure?."

"One hundred percent."

...

"Marry me."

That is how Bo proposed.

She hadn't planned on doing it that way.

She had something romantic and sweet all planned up but in that moment, with Lauren cuddling the cat Bo had gotten her for her birthday, talking to it like it could understand her making Bo fall more in love than she had ever thought possible; it had just slipped out.

They were in bed and Lauren was wearing an over sized tee with pies drawn all over it and she had let Bo borrow one of her numerous numbered shirts, they weren't really dressed for a proposal.

But Bo didn't care, Lauren had never been one for huge romantic gestures and the moment just felt perfect.

"Huh?"

Was all Lauren could say.

"Marry me," Bo said again, a smile on her face "marry me because I love you more than life itself, marry me because you know I can make you happier than anyone else ever can, marry me because you're my favorite person on earth, Lauren." she took the ring she had bought months ago from her drawer and knelt on the bed, "Marry me."

Lauren's reply was the most passionate kiss Bo had ever received.

The brunette took that as a yes.

...

Nurse Carina, the woman who has taken care of Lauren from the day Bo brought the blond in with a splitting headache to this moment, is the one who weds them.

Bo makes sure she has a license and everything because she wants this to be as legal as possible.

Carina smiles and tells Bo that yes, she's licensed.

The brunette goes out and gets the rings and makes herself ready and when she catches herself in the mirror, smiling, she stops putting her make up for a second.

It's been such a long while since she happily smiled when she was all alone that she had forgotten she's capable of doing that.

'I'm getting married to the love of my life today,' she thinks and her smile gets even bigger.

…

When she walks back into Lauren's room, she finds the blond looking at her dress, her face all prettied up, looking nervous as hell.

Bo's breath catches in her throat.

"Hey," she says softly.

Lauren turns around and smiles, though it doesn't reach her eyes "I'm sorry."

She whispers out.

Bo frowns, "why?"

"I wanted to look pretty for you; you deserve to have a pretty bride."

Bo takes the blonds face in her palms and makes sure her eyes convey her sincerity, "you, my love, are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life."

…

They're married in the chapel with just the and Carina and two male nurses who act as their witnesses.

Bo is an odd mixture of nervous and frighteningly happy throughout the whole thing and Lauren just keeps rubbing soothing circles at the back of the brunette's palm to calm her.

"Do you Bo," Carina starts.

"I do."

Bo cuts her off before she can even get the whole thing out.

The woman laughs and turns to Lauren who has tears pooling in her eyes' "I do too." The blond says.

"Can I kiss her now?"

"Yes, Bo," Carina chuckles, "you can."

…

They go to the rooftop of the first ever building they ever visited in the city.

Back when they were still pretending to be just best friends.

Back when they didn't have to worry about limited time and sickness and death.

Bo wants to capture that feeling of freeness back.

She wants to be as carelessly in love with Lauren as she can be and that's why the second they're on the rooftop; she's kissing her wife with everything that she is.

The kisses are sweet and desperate at the same time and Bo doesn't even know she's crying until she feels her tears on Lauren's cheek.

"I love you," she whispers out between kisses "you know that right, that I love you?"

"I know, and I love you too."

...

On Lauren's insistence, they get cake.

"Weddings have to have cake baby," she explains adorably and Bo just can't say no although she has no idea if it's good for her.

The cake they get is too big for the two of them and they end up with stomach aches but fuck it if Bo cares.

Really, with her wife laughing at their foolishness so hard that her brown eyes seem to light up the whole city, why would Bo care?

1

Bo smiled as she let herself into their apartment.

The weekend she had finally been waiting for was finally here.

Both she and her fiance were going to be free and the brunette was going to have the chance to have her wicked way with her girls body.

Life was going to be good.

Her smile fell when she noticed Lauren lying on the couch, a not so peaceful look on her face.

She dropped her bag, her protective mode kicking in, "baby," she knelt before the blond and called softly.

Brown eyes fluttered open and Lauren smiled sleepily, "you're home.

"And so are you, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a headache. Come lie with me."

Bo lay next to her fiance and kissed her temple, no fever.

"I'm fine, babe."

"You sure?"

"Yep. Now hush, it's cuddle time."

Bo laughed and got comfortable,"okay."

...

That is how it had all started, with a goddamned headache.

Sometimes Bo wonders if she had insisted that Lauren get checked up that day if it would have changed something.

Anything.

It's now clear, even to her, that nothing can be done.

The doctor's told her it will only be days now, it's almost over.

And to some extent, she is okay with that. She is okay with that because sometimes she looks at her wife and sees how much pain she is in, pain that not even medicine is helping with anymore and she's okay with it being over.

She's never been able to stand anything hurting Lauren.

She promises herself to make Lauren's time the very best it could be.

She fills her room with all her favorite flowers just like she always has, and brings her all her favorite movies and cooks all her favorite foods.

She makes sure to always be smiling around the blond, she needs Lauren to have as much sunshine as she possibly can.

She does silly things just to make the blond smile and kisses her more times than it is normal for one person to kiss another.

She says I love you every chance she gets she tries her very best to fill every single second with as much love as possible.

She needs Lauren to know that she is loved, she is loved in the greatest way a human being can be loved because Bo is certain she couldn't love her wife more if she tried.

She loves Lauren everyday like she's leaving because, well, she is.

...

"I have loved loving you."

Lauren says one night as they lie side to side in the darkness.

Bo feels a lump in her throat, "I have loved loving you too."

"It was the best," Lauren smiles, "wasn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah it was."

The brunette feels soft fingers trailing her cheeks,"I'd do it all over again, every single moment, every single kiss, every single argument. In a heart beat, I'd do it all over again because loving you, loving you was the best thing in my life."

"Mine too. You were my best thing Lauren."

She kisses the blond everywhere her lips can touch, "the very best."

They go to sleep minutes later, breaths mingling and fingers tangled.

And when Bo wakes up in the morning, the very first thing she realizes is that; it's over.

Fin.

Thanks for reading.