Abandon Ship!: Heavy and Medic

Interviewer(I): Hello, and welcome back to Abandon Ship! We were kept off the air by a... rather frightening lady in purple murdering our previous interviewer, but once they hired me, we decided that the truth must come out! Even if our interviewees don't! …heh.

Heavy: I do not appreciate joke.

Medic: Ja, I agree.

I: Anyways, let's get down to the meat and potatoes. We have had several reports, by various sources, of you two being gay. For each other.

Medic: Hm.

Heavy: Who is telling you this?

I: Erm—well—we can't say—but the report did say—and I quote—"these two are super freakin' queer, Medic has to be on top or fatass will crush him, and"—

Heavy: Did leetle Scout tell you this?

I: Erm—I can't—

Medic: I vill cut him open and extract his skeleton bit by—

I: Anyways, can we get back to the subject? Are you, or are you not, gay?

Heavy: This you do not need to know. What you do need to know, is, I like to shoot this gun.

I: Is that a euphemism for something?

Heavy: She weighs one hundred fifty-two kilo—what?

I: Medic, how much do you weigh in full gear?

Medic: About vone hundred fifty two... vhy do you ask?

I: No reason. Now, what are your thoughts on each other, personality wise?

Heavy: Well, Doktor is caring, and nice, and good at making sandviches, and—

Medic: *kaff* Herr Heavy, don't you zink zat's an odd thing to say about a coworker?

Heavy: Well, is true.

Medic: Zat might be, but—

I: Medic, what do you think of Heavy?

Medic: He is—he is definitely good heal target—

I: Is that a euphemism for anything?

Medic: Vat—vat vould make you zink zat—

Heavy: Is Medic okay?

Medic:J-ja, Misha.

I: I didn't know you two were on a first name basis.

Medic: Ve—ve aren't—It's German, not his name—

I: Nice try, Medic, but I think that brings us to our final question—are you two gay or not?

Medic: Vell, I hardly zink zat has anything to do vith—

Heavy: I have changed mind. I will not crush leelte Scout. I will crush you instead.

I: W-well—sir—please don't—gack...

At this point, The Heavy began to strangle our interviewer, who only managed to escape because his flailing legs knocked over the Heavy's minigun. The Heavy was apparently more concerned with the gun's safety than the Interviewer's death, allowing the interviewer to escape with the film. He shortly thereafter quit, and joined an Alaskan crab boat, saying that he wanted a job where he was less likely to die.

He drowned three weeks later.