Shout-out to BelatedBeliever1127 for her awesome beta-work. ^^

When the Crognard-marathon is over, it's already late. Mikey yawns loudly and stretches and Leo gets up.

He gives me a confused look when I stay put on the couch's armrest, although my neck is screaming in pain by now, not to mention my back.

"Don't you want to go to bed, April?" Leo asks.

I raise my eyebrows, hopefully doing a good job of looking awake and not the tiniest bit tired.

"Ah, no," I reply. "I'm not tired yet. I think I'll stay up a little longer."

And I manage to bite down a yawn just in time.

"Well, good night, then," Leo says and I have the infallible feeling he didn't fall for my bluff for one second. "Don't forget about our training tomorrow."

"I won't!" I assure him, adding an extra-exciting ring to my voice. "Good night!"

Mikey is so tired he just waves at me and drags his feet out of the room.

Leo studies my face for one more second before he leaves, too, limping heavily, and for a second I think of asking him if he needs any help getting up the stairs, but the same moment I hear Mikey mumble something, and I guess - or just hope - that he offered Leo his help.

The problem is that just now I realize that leaving the room together with Leo and Mikey and helping Leo to his room would have been the perfect opportunity to get out of the living room and to my room without any trouble of running into Casey or Donnie, or maybe even Raph. And even if I had, Leo would have given me enough cover.

And I'd be in my room by now after bringing Leo to his and I'd have my door closed and I'd have them all shut away.

Stupid me.

On the other hand, there's something about my room that feels not quite right at the moment.

It takes me a while to understand that it's because my room is closer to Donnie than the living room. And I am really, really afraid that I might hear him cry - something I couldn't stand because I know I am not allowed to comfort him. He wouldn't let me. Although I'd give anything to just hug him and dissipate these sad memories. But Donnie has sent me away. He doesn't want me close to him. And that's the reason I stayed here in the living room.

There still is the opportunity that Casey would come here, of course. I think I heard him go upstairs a while ago, and I like to think that he wouldn't leave his room tonight.

And even if he did, even if he'd show up in the doorway of the living room, I'd still be able to shut myself away from him, show him that his presence is unwanted here, just like Donnie had shown me.

The sheer thought of it leads to a cold knot in my stomach and I wrap my arms around

myself as I slide down on the couch from my uncomfortable seat on the armrest as if this would make things better. Which it doesn't, of course.

Donnie sent me away. I know I deserved it, but still, it hurts.

And I kissed Casey.

Okay, Casey kissed me first, but does it really make a difference? I at least kissed him back. And I enjoyed it. I really did.

Even now that I think of the kiss, it makes my cheeks heat up, the warmth spreading through my body, down to the cold knot in my stomach and loosening it a bit.

It is still there, this hard, cold knot, and there still is this ache in my heart, but so is the warmth.

A welcoming, comforting warmth like the warmth of Casey's lips.

I turn my head to the living room's entrance, half-expecting that Casey would linger in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest and giving me one of his trade-mark smirks where only one corner of his mouth is quirked up.

And I am not so sure any longer if I could send him away if he were.

But he isn't, and I don't get into the trouble of having to find out.

As I turn my head back to the TV - I don't even have any idea what is on; it could be a real creepy, bloody horror movie and I wouldn't even realize - something else joins the warmth and the cold knot, a weight on the back of my neck, running down my shoulders.

Disappointment.

I raise my hands to my temples, pressing hard against them.

This is just too much to take. All these mixed feelings, a turmoil of emotions, threatening to eat me alive.

I need to get my thoughts elsewhere, maybe really watch some TV. I think a real creepy, bloody horror movie would be just what I need right now.

And I twist my mouth when I realize what is on is some documentary about the everyday life in the Roman Empire.

Donnie would like that, I think. It's such a quick thought that it's there in my brain before I can push it away, but I don't let it sink in, just bear the pang it sends to my heart before I can lock it away in the back of my head.

Then I concentrate on the documentary again.

It's not really something I would watch if I had a choice, but I don't have a choice. Even changing the challenge feels too much a challenge right now. And so I have to work with what I get. And this is some documentary about the everyday life in the Roman Empire. It'll have to do.

And it does. I only realize when I open my eyes.

I find myself lying on my side on the couch. I guess I must have fallen to the side when sleep has crept up on me.

I look to the TV and realize it has turned to Crognard again.

Only then I realize Mikey sitting on the floor, leaning his carapace against the couch, his eyes fixed on the TV, but he immediately turns his head towards me when I stir.

"Uhm, good morning," I mumble as I rub my eyes and sit up. "What time is it?"

"Good morning! Still pretty early," Mikey replies. "But they announced another Crognard-marathon this morning during a commercial break yesterday, so I had to get up and watch it."

"The others?"

"Still asleep."

I am relieved to hear that. It means I have some more time.

But time for what? To sort out my feelings? Well, I remember how well that worked yesterday.

I stretch and hiss at the jolt of pain in my neck. I guess that's what I get for sitting on the armrest for such a long time.

Mikey gives me a caring look.

"Neck pain?"

I nod.

"Yeah, I was wondering why you kept sitting on the armrest yesterday, but I guess you got all fascinated by awesome Crognard!"

I nod again.

Mikey grins from ear to ear.

"Here," he says as he climbs the couch next to me and places his hand on my shoulders. "I can help with that."

And before I can say a word he starts massaging my shoulders, my neck, and it eases out the pain.

At some point I just close my eyes, tracing how the pain fades more and more. It feels nice.

"So, mind telling me what happened yesterday?" Mikey asks.

This catches me off-guard.

I had expected Leo to ask me and relied on Mikey having forgotten all about it because of awesome Crognard and company.

But leave it to Mikey to spring a surprise.

And now that I think of it, he does have a tendency to do so. The youngest turtle is always full of surprises. And he never fails to leave us all flabbergasted from time to time. When he doesn't annoy us, of course.

But this question certainly counts for the former.

Mikey keeps massaging my neck and shoulders, kneading the now tensed up muscles and pretending not to feel it.

"I … uhm …" I bite down my lip.

"You don't have to give me all the details," Mikey says. "I was just wondering. I know something's going on. Casey was so different yesterday, and so was Raph, and Donnie didn't leave our room, and he isn't one to hide in a room. Lab yes, but room no."

He keeps massaging, giving me a chance to speak, but moments pass and I don't say a word.

"I just want to know what's going on," he mumbles.

And there it is, this begging undertone, the unspoken words that no one ever tells him anything.

And I decide that Mikey deserves to know. He deserves the truth. He deserves the details.

"I … I …"

I kissed Casey? No, this doesn't feel quite right.

"Casey and I kissed." Yes, that's better.

Mikey's hands don't stop their movements for one second, although I am sure this must have shocked him somehow.

On the other hand, maybe it hasn't been a shock at all and he has seen this coming for a long time. Who knows? The way how Mikey's brain works will always be a mystery to the rest of us.

"And Donnie saw us," I continue, and again, Mikey's hand don't stop, he just keeps on massaging my neck, my shoulders.

A mumbled "okay" is all I get in reply.

A few moments in silence pass because I am not sure how to go on. I want to describe my inner turmoil to Mikey as best as I can, but the problem is that I am not sure what words to use.

"And how do you feel about it?" Mikey asks.

"Terrible!" I reply. "I mean, Donnie saw us and now he's feeling bad and there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. And he sent me away. And now I don't know what to do."

"Hmmm." Mikey seems to think about this. "Do you feel bad because you and Casey kissed or do you feel bad because Donnie caught you?"

I open my mouth, ready for a quick reply before I realize there aren't any words waiting on my tongue, and I close my mouth again with a snap.

I take a deep breath, but still, I don't know what to say.

And so this is exactly what I reply.

"I … I don't know," I mumble.

"Did you like kissing Casey?" Mikey asks further, lowering his voice a bit.

"Yes." My voice is barely more than a whisper.

We don't say anything for a little while and I swear I can hear the gears work in Mikey's head.

"But I liked kissing Donnie, too," I finally say.

This obviously catches Mikey off-guard because his hands stop their soothing work on my shoulders and neck and he gasps.

"You kissed Donnie!?" he asks a little too loudly. "When!?"

"After Bigfoot took off with the creepy hunter," I explain. "When he came apologizing for his behavior and said that he'll leave me alone from now on because I … I …" I break off and take a deep breath.

"I don't think I want him to leave me alone," I continue. "Yes, he overdoes it sometimes, and there are times I have to put him in his place, but on the whole, I really don't mind."

Again, there's silence.

At some point he picks up massaging my neck and shoulders again.

"So you liked kissing Donnie and you liked kissing Casey, right?" he says.

I nod. "Yes."

"And you don't want Donnie to feel bad, right?"

I nod again.

"What about Casey?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Do you mind making him feel bad?"

"Of course I do," I reply. "It's just that …"

I break off again.

"Yes?" Mikey encourages me.

"I … I don't know," I say. "Casey can handle these things better than Donnie, I guess. I mean he does have …"

I bite down my lip, not sure if I should say it or not.

"Yes?" Mikey says again.

I sigh. I had decided that I'd give Mikey all the truth earlier, hadn't I?

"Casey does have more options when it comes to girls, I guess," I say.

Because he's human and Donnie is a mutant - those are the words I leave unsaid, but they linger in the air nonetheless.

And there's something else I realize just now. Why would someone like Casey be interested in someone like me? I mean, I'm a freak. I was even before these weird tentacles burst out. At school, I was an outsider, the girl who made up this crazy story about her father getting kidnapped when in reality, he just left her. The girl who sometimes cuts school. At least, that's what the others think of me and probably Casey too before he found out the truth. And now I'm the girl who's part-mutant, part-alien and not entirely human with some creepy tentacles at the back of her head.

Casey could be so much better off.

This thought presses the air out of my lungs and leaves a choking ring around my throat which I try to loosen by taking a deep breath. It helps a bit, but the ring is still there and it's still choking me, but not as much as before.

"Hmmm," Mikey makes the sound again after a while, keeping on massaging my shoulders and neck. "Well, I think what you do know right now is that you like them both and you haven't figured whom you like more yet or if you like them equally. I think you don't know what you want yet, but it'll come to you when you've figured out all these crazy stuff that has happened to you. I mean, April, come on! Just think of it! You got these tentacles and these incredible new powers, who wouldn't be confused by that?"

I turn around to look at him, not having the slightest idea of what to say because really, he does have a point. Also, I am bit overwhelmed by his words.

This isn't the Mikey I know, the childish, fun-loving, and easily-excited Mikey. This is a different Mikey, a wiser one, a more mature one. Even the look in his eyes is so serious and thoughtful, it totally matches the image of this grown-up Mikey I make up in my head.

"And do you know what you need right now?" he asks.

I shake my head.

He grins so broadly I can only wonder how this grin even fits on his face - and also how he can go from all serious to mega-grinning in the blink of an eye.

"Pancakes!" he calls out as he gives my shoulders a friendly pat before he jumps to his feet. "Come on, let's make some!"

And with that he darts out of the living room.

There he is, the old Mikey again.

And all I can do is smile as I get up and follow him.