mis·er·y ; a state or feeling of great distress or discomfort of mind or body.

Misery is a feeling all too familiar with him. He doesn't know what to do, both hands balled into fists, toes curled inside his shoes. He has the urge to end it, thinking that he has every right and reason to, but he knows that leaving would only hurt him as much as he's hurting now. Miserable. He feels so miserable.

The intellectual in him, if there is one, knows that he should talk to Chanyeol about all this. The part of him that leans toward deductive reasoning tells him that he should confront his lover and make his own choice after hearing Chanyeol's side. Problem is, there's also a part of him that knows, that's almost a hundred percent certain, that even after talking to Chanyeol, Baekhyun would still want to break up.

Another part of him, the one that's completely deluded about love and things like forever, wants to believe that he can live with this. That part of him is the one driving him to stay, the one that's preventing him from storming out the door and leaving everything behind, including Chanyeol and everything that they once had.

And maybe even leaving parts of himself behind in the process.

He tries to think about what he does whenever he feels like ending it with Chanyeol; he doesn't. He would go to sleep and when he'd wake up, he'd no longer feels like the only choice left for him to make is to break it off. He would be able to talk to Chanyeol, listen to him explain his side, and they would end up forgiving each other—Chanyeol for his mistakes and Baekhyun for the harsh words he may have said that might have hurt his lover. In the end, everything works out and no one leaves.

But Baekhyun doesn't know if he can go to sleep this time, if he can calm down enough, if he can will his mind to shut up. He doesn't know if he'll be able to forgive Chanyeol for this one.

One thing that has always disgusted him is cheating. Infidelity. It disgusts him to think about a person who touches someone else when they know that they're already in a committed relationship. It also disgusts him to think about people who willingly let themselves get involved with someone whom they know are already taken, people who let themselves be that other person, people who know that they're potentially wrecking a relationship.

To say that the thought of Chanyeol sleeping with someone else disgusts him is something that hurts him to admit but he still does. Just the fact that Chanyeol could do something so wrong that Baekhyun would be disgusted is one thing, because Baekhyun had always thought that it could never get that bad. This is Chanyeol, after all. His tall and lovely Chanyeol, his own gentle giant.

Baekhyun had always thought that it would never happen. He had always thought that he was never going to go through the painful process of finding out that the person he loves doesn't love him enough to stay faithful. He had always thought that Chanyeol was far from that kind of person, that Chanyeol would always remain loyal just like how Baekhyun has never touched another man in that way ever since he agreed to date Chanyeol.

It wasn't even taught to him by his parents. It's not something that he picked up from school, either. He has just always known that agreeing to be part of a relationship meant agreeing to never cheat on your partner, to never put them through that kind of pain.

But maybe it's true, that there's also that other silent agreement between couples; you willingly accept the fact that by loving a person, you are giving them the power to hurt you. That's true, Baekhyun allows. He did give Chanyeol the power to hurt him when he said yes, when they shared their first kiss, when they embraced each other for the first time.

He just never thought that Chanyeol would actually use that power this way.

Did he see this coming? No, not particularly. He did saw a few signs, he admits, things that he chose to overlook; Chanyeol coming home a bit later than he used to, Chanyeol always carrying his phone around as opposed to how he used to carelessly leave it at random places, Chanyeol frequently leaving the house even during his day-offs because he has "something to do for work" or "something to buy".

He wouldn't say that he didn't suspect that something was up; he just didn't think that it would come true, didn't want to believe that it could be possible. Now, staring into Chanyeol's phone clutched tightly in his hand, Baekhyun feels an array of emotions as he repeatedly reads the messages that proved his suspicions.

He hears the front door open and calmly places the phone down beside Chanyeol's computer where he found it and then he walks toward the refrigerator. He holds a glass of water with shaking hands, taking small sips as he waits for Chanyeol to call for him. He doesn't know what he might end up doing, doesn't know if he wants to confront Chanyeol right now or wait for later.

"Baek? You here?" Chanyeol's head pops into view, his lips pulled into a goofy smile that twitches when he takes in Baekhyun's appearance. "You okay? You look kinda pale."

Baekhyun isn't sure if it's because he knows that Chanyeol has a reason to be guilty, but, to him, it almost seems like Chanyeol's already thinking that Baekhyun found out about him cheating. Baekhyun hears a stutter in the way Chanyeol asks him that question and he sees a nervous tick when Chanyeol transfers his weight to his other food, changing his stance.

"I do?" Baekhyun shoots back, holding the glass to his lips. "Must be because it's really chilly here. Is the heater working?"

No, no, no. He's not saying anything about the issue, he's letting it slip past him, he's letting Chanyeol slip past his fingers by letting this happen, by pretending that he doesn't know anything.

Then again, he's going to lose Chanyeol either way.

"Oh, I see." Chanyeol smiles at Baekhyun, looking somewhat relieved. "I'll go check. Do you want me to make dinner or shall we order some takeout?"

"Takeout sounds nice," Baekhyun replies. In truth, he doesn't know if he could eat anything that Chanyeol makes right now. "Maybe some pizza?"

"Got it." Chanyeol makes his way to the living room and Baekhyun follows him, watching Chanyeol pass by the center table and pick up his phone to stuff it in his pocket. He checks the heater and tells Baekhyun that it seems to be working just fine. "I'll go order the food, want me to throw in a bowl of lasagna in there for you?"

"Sure, thanks." Baekhyun answers Chanyeol's smile with a version of his own. He watches the tall man make the call and starts wondering about how long they'll both be able to keep this up. How long will Chanyeol be able to pretend that he's not fucking their mutual friend? How long will Baekhyun be able to pretend that he doesn't know anything?

How long does he have before he loses Chanyeol?

As expected, he doesn't have to worry about making up excuses not to have sex with Chanyeol. They've been together for a couple of years now and they're not as young and eager as they were seven years ago. This alone could be the reason why no one really initiates do it anymore and it's completely acceptable, even for Baekhyun.

Except he knows why he doesn't want to do it, and he's fairly sure why Chanyeol isn't interested either.

Nights are spent with them sleeping on the same bed but barely touching. When he thinks back, he could say that they've been like this for a while now, even before he found out. He isn't sure if the growing distance between them in their bed is because of the years pilling up or because of Chanyeol's affair. Maybe both, even.

What's left to be done when you find yourself falling out of love with the person you thought you would love forever? Baekhyun doesn't really know, and he's fairly scared that the answer might be the one that he dreads the most; let go. He's scared that all that there's left to do is to accept that fact that someday, Chanyeol might realize that he's no longer in love with Baekhyun.

Or maybe Chanyeol already has. Maybe that's why he decided to cheat, or maybe the realization came when he found that he didn't mind being with someone else.

And maybe Baekhyun's falling out of love, too. Maybe the only reason why he's still holding on is because he's so scared of change. He's scared of changing feelings, of changing habits, of changing patterns. He's well aware that his life would drastically change when Chanyeol steps out of the picture, and he's scared of that.

He's also scared that this might be it for him, but he's also scared of finding out that Chanyeol was never meant to be it. He's scared of living alone, unable to love anybody else after Chanyeol, but the thought of being with another man in the future also frightens him to death.

Misery. It's the feeling he associates with being unable to do anything, with not knowing whether he's making the right decisions or if he's even deciding at all. He feels weak, incapable, torn, miserable.

How long does he have before he loses Chanyeol? Perhaps not very long.

Something in his chest aches when he thinks about all this. It doesn't matter if it's at three AM, when he's unable to sleep so he listens to Chanyeol's even breathing, or at three PM when he's making himself a cup of coffee. He always thinking, always dreading, always hurting.

His heart nearly jumps out of his chest when he hears Chanyeol call him. He's never home this early.

"Hi, Baek. I got off from work early today," Chanyeol tells him, joining him in the sofa. "Wanna go out for dinner later?"

It hurts how happy he is. It hurts how Baekhyun thinks, at that moment, that he could easily forget about Chanyeol cheating on him just so he could save their relationship, just so he wouldn't lose the thing that he holds most precious to him. It hurts how he doesn't want to lose this, lose things like going out for dinner or spending the afternoons at home whenever they both didn't have work to do.

He doesn't want to lose Chanyeol, and it hurts because he inevitably will.

"Sure, sounds fantastic," Baekhyun says. "But before that, could you do something for me?"

Chanyeol looks confused but willing. He turns his body so he's facing Baekhyun, letting his lover know that he's paying attention. "Whatever you want, love."

Baekhyun ignores the sharp pain in his chest when he hears Chanyeol call him that. Love. It's nothing but a pet name, something silly that Baekhyun had jokingly called Chanyeol during their third year in high school, which they somehow turned into a term of endearment later on. Love.

"Kiss me."

Maybe he's imagining it again, but he thinks he sees guilt pass through Chanyeol's face. He's quick to recover, though, flashing Baekhyun his signature smile before moving in to cradle Baekhyun's face in his hands. The kiss is soft, almost chaste, and it ends too soon in Baekhyun's opinion.

He quickly moves to hold Chanyeol by the back of his head before he could completely move away. Baekhyun watches Chanyeol's shock turn into something that Baekhyun hasn't seen in such a long time as his fingers start playing with the strands of Chanyeol's hair.

"More," he whispers, but he's already moving in for another kiss and Chanyeol doesn't deny him this. Their lips move in synchronicity, fitting each other so well only because of how long they've been together.

Baekhyun misses this. He misses Chanyeol paying this much attention. He misses the pressure of Chanyeol's mouth on his, the heat coming from his hand that's holding Baekhyun by the side of his neck. He misses feeling how much Chanyeol loves him and he misses feeling how in love they are with each other.

He's getting up, pushing Chanyeol back but keeping their lips connected. When he starts to climb onto Chanyeol's lap, the latter responds by grabbing Baekhyun by the hips, holding the smaller male in place by wrapping his arms around Baekhyun's waist.

Chanyeol appears to be as eager as Baekhyun, chasing after Baekhyun's mouth when Baekhyun breaks away for air. One of Chanyeol's hands sneaks down to cup Baekhyun's ass cheek, pulling him in to rub their crotches together. Baekhyun lets out a moan into Chanyeol's mouth and Chanyeol swallows it all, groaning and moving his lips down to Baekhyun's neck. He sucks on the skin below Baekhyun's jaw, digging his fingers deeper into the fabric of Baekhyun's shorts.

Chanyeol bites, kisses, and sucks the skin on Baekhyun's neck before hastily pulling away. Baekhyun is confused for a moment, almost hurt, until Chanyeol grinds their crotches together again that causes Baekhyun to let out a surprised gasp.

"Take off your shirt," Chanyeol instructs, tugging at the hem of Baekhyun's t-shirt. "Let's get rid of those shorts too, hmm?"

Baekhyun hurriedly gets to his feet and pulls down his shorts, stepping out of them and returning to his place on Chanyeol's lap, all the while pulling his shirt over his head and then tossing it aside. Chanyeol is also quick to respond, his hands already roaming the expanse of Baekhyun's bare chest. Chanyeol's hands repeatedly pass Baekhyun's nipples but he never actually touches them. By now, Baekhyun can tell that Chanyeol is teasing him so he lightly slaps his lover's shoulder.

His lover. His.

"Chanyeol," he half moans, half whines. "Play with them already, they're so hard."

This seems to turn Chanyeol on, swooping down to kiss Baekhyun's shoulder. Goosebumps break out all over Baekhyun skin when Chanyeol starts to lightly bite him there, knowing how good this makes Baekhyun feel. He starts off with light bites, alternating it with long licks using the flat out his tongue. When Baekhyun starts to pant, Chanyeol bites him harder, causing Baekhyun's already heavy breathing to hitch in his throat. Then he goes back to kissing and licking, effectively driving Baekhyun to start moving his hips to relieve the painful ache in his groin. He's already trembling by the time Chanyeol decides to play with his nipples, twisting the hard nubs between his fingers.

Baekhyun throws his head back when Chanyeol takes one of Baekhyun's nipples into his mouth while he continues to twist and play with the other using his hand. Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol's head by the hair when he feels teeth scrape against the sensitive skin of nipple, then Chanyeol sucks on it so hard, Baekhyun is sure that he's going to leave it red and swollen. His other nipple gets the same treatment before Chanyeol kisses his way up to Baekhyun's mouth, roughly claiming Baekhyun's lips with hard bites and sloppy tongue sucking.

It all becomes too much for Baekhyun and he comes inside his boxer's, breaking away from the kiss to hide his face in the crook between Chanyeol's head and his shoulder. He wraps his arms tightly around Chanyeol's neck as he rides out his orgasm, shivering when a pair of lips kisses his overly sensitive skin. He's a panting, trembling mess, and Chanyeol doesn't let this go unnoticed.

"Did you come already?" he asks, mouth pressed against Baekhyun's ear. He lightly touches Baekhyun's steadily softening dick through his boxers, chuckling when a jolt runs through Baekhyun's body. Baekhyun lets out a pained gasp, trying to move his crotch away from Chanyeol's exploring hand. "Don't worry, we'll get you hard again in no time, Baek. Then I can properly make love to you."

Make love, that's the term Chanyeol chooses to use. He doesn't say have sex or fuck. There's that ache again so Baekhyun just hides deeper into Chanyeol's neck, his lips touching the exposed skin there. He doesn't want to cry, at least, not yet, so he distracts himself by saying, "Then let me take care of this thing here. It's been poking me for a while now."

Chanyeol chuckles, letting out a deep sigh when Baekhyun starts to work on his pants, freeing his throbbing member from its tight confines. Baekhyun takes hold of Chanyeol's hard length, fisting it and playing with the head. He feels Chanyeol hot breath on his necks and he starts to get hard again, taking pleasure from knowing that he's the reason why Chanyeol is so aroused.

Chanyeol moans when Baekhyun uses his free hand to play with his balls, massaging them in rhythm with the way his other hand is going up and down Chanyeol's dick. Chanyeol leans back, resting his back against the couch and watching Baekhyun's hands work on him. He reaches out a hand and flicks away the bangs hanging over Baekhyun's eyes, then he takes hold of Baekhyun's chin and tilts his face upward.

"Baek," Chanyeol pants, his voice sending a jolt of pleasure directly to Baekhyun's crotch. "Can I…?"

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol's dick one last tug before nodding his head in consent. Chanyeol kisses the side of his mouth and reaches around Baekhyun's back, opening the small drawer of the center table and pulling out a bottle of lube.

"Always thought it would come in handy to put one in there," Chanyeol says, lifting Baekhyun up so he's supporting himself, weight transferred to his knees pressed on the sofa on either side of Chanyeol's legs. Chanyeol watches him closely as he pours lube all over his fingers, coating it generously. "Deep breaths, Baek. Deep breaths for me."

He knows that Chanyeol is just teasing him but Baekhyun follows Chanyeol's order, inhaling deeply when he feels the first finger touch his puckered hole. Chanyeol goes at it slowly, sliding his middle finger in and wiggling it around before pushing in another finger. Chanyeol makes sure to thoroughly stretch Baekhyun's hole with scissoring motions using his fingers, occasionally brushing against the special spot inside his lover that causes the smaller male to tremble in his arms.

"That's enough," Baekhyun whispers, heart fluttering when Chanyeol kisses the corner of his mouth. "Do it already."

Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun back to his lap, positioning his dick under Baekhyun and easing the smaller male down until Chanyeol's length is completely engulfed inside his warmth. They both stay still for a few moments before Chanyeol pulls his shirt off and wraps his arms around Baekhyun's waist.

Baekhyun's fingers dig into the skin of Chanyeol's shoulder as he lightly picks up his hips and eases down again. Chanyeol encourages him by placing kisses all over his skin, rubbing soothing circles on his back. It doesn't take long for Baekhyun to get their old rhythm back, earnestly fucking himself on Chanyeol's dick, ignoring the strain on his legs from their position.

Chanyeol thrusts up to meet Baekhyun halfway, grasping him by the shoulders to pull him down every time he rises up. He's whispering sweet nothings against Baekhyun's skin, leaving bite marks and red splotches all over Baekhyun's neck, all over Baekhyun's chest.

Baekhyun thinks that this is how they were always meant to be; connected, in each other's embrace. As he continues to bounce on Chanyeol's lap, he drags red marks on Chanyeol's skin with blunt fingers, marking his man. After all, Chanyeol is his, and he is Chanyeol's. That's how it always has been, and that's how he always wants it to be.

He comes for the second time, his arms locking around Chanyeol's neck and the walls of his ass clamping down on Chanyeol's dick.

"Fuck," Chanyeol mutters, sinking his teeth into Baekhyun's shoulder so hard that Baekhyun thinks for a second that the skin might break. Chanyeol comes after a few more erratic thrusts, pressing Baekhyun to him as tightly as he could. When they've both calmed down, he chuckles and goes back to rubbing circles on on Baekhyun's back. "Sorry, was I too rough?"

"No," Baekhyun croaks, the hitch in his voice alerting Chanyeol. "You were okay."

Chanyeol cups his face, wiping the tears on Baekhyun's cheeks away using his thumbs. "Baek, I'm sorry. Does it hurt? I'm sorry, baby."

They were meant to be together, that's what he always believed. But now, looking at Chanyeol, Baekhyun's aware that his little dream might not become reality after all.

"It hurts because I know, Yeol," he says, a fresh batch of tears brimming in his eyes. "I know. I know that you're doing this with someone else."

The arms around him loosen their hold until they're lying completely still by Chanyeol's sides. Chanyeol's eyebrows are drawn together and his mouth is gaping open, eyes darting around, looking at everything but Baekhyun's face. He tries to say something but it dies in his mouth and Baekhyun never gets to hear it.

He gets off Chanyeol, wobbling on unsteady legs. The ache in his lower regions is something that he can ignore, something that pales in comparison to the ache in his chest as he turns away from Chanyeol. He limps towards the stairs, climbing it slowly, and Chanyeol doesn't follow him.

It's only when he's in his room, their room, and when he has the door locked behind him that Baekhyun lets out the sob that he's been holding in. He slides to the floor, his nakedness well forgotten as his cries wrack his body. He pounds closed fists on the carpeted floor, roughly dragging a hand through his hair and pulling at it until some come off.

He has known pain for as long as he can remember. The pain of falling down and scrapping your knee as a kid, the pain of not getting what you want from your parents as a teen, the pain of knowing that you might fail the semester, the pain of getting scolded by your boss in front of everyone, these are all things that he has gone through in his life. Baekhyun knows that pain is something inevitable, something that comes with living and breathing and existing. Accepting the fact that, at various points of his life, he will be dealt with different levels of pain is something that came with him growing up and maturing to the man he is now.

The hurt that he's going through right now, though, is something that he hadn't expected to feel. Who gets into a relationship expecting the other person to cheat on them? No one, Baekhyun thinks. He strongly believes that no one wants to experience this kind of agony; the type that renders you unable to do anything as you slowly wither underneath the misery.

Images of Chanyeol holding someone else, of Chanyeol whispering sweet nothings against someone else's ears flash behind his eyes. Panic sets in his chest, further weighing him down to an all-time low. It's the kind of anxiety you feel when you know that something bad is definitely going to happen, that something's going to change in your life with a long and lasting effect.

Nothing much happens on the outside, as far as he's concerned. There are no broken furniture, no screaming and fighting and plates thrown at each other, and no one is thrown out of the house to pick up his clothes on the street. Inside Baekhyun, though, is an uncontrollable storm of emotions, of possible endings to his and Chanyeol's story.

Baekhyun isn't sure about what happens after this, now that Chanyeol knows that he's been found out. What he does know for sure is that this marks the beginning of the end for them, and there's absolutely nothing that they can do about it anymore.

How long does he have before he loses Chanyeol? Perhaps he already has.