Hello, everyone! Welcome to my first fanfiction, I'm just going to throw this out there right aways: I've been having troubles writing the start of this series. I looked at a story called "Don't Make Me Stop" and sort of used it as a template. However, it is only temporary and I have still changed it up quite a bit from the template! The third chapter is where I shall take off into my own story and stop using the template! Thanks for reading!

XxXxXx

Yes, I am perfectly aware that the actions I use to calm myself are considered wrong by the general point of view. However, I don't believe so. It's not like anyone knows though, but even if they did it's not like they would care. They wouldn't understand anything.

Back to the point though, I know it's wrong and that it is probably affecting me mentally. I'm smart enough to figure that out. I just don't really care, and I must look great because no one ever questions me. But, that might be because I've had a lot of practice. Too much, probably.

I learnt it's all about body language. The more energetic, goofy, happy person you are, the less they suspect you. Even if it's all a complete lie, they believe it. My favorite is a smile though, because it is so easy to put on your face. No one will suspect you, because you're smiling. A smile means you're happy, right? It means everything is great?

Well it's not.

I've managed to create a mask to cover my real emotions from everybody. It's not that hard either, just throw on a smile and they can't seem to look past the mask. The lie that you hide to protect your secret, the lie you hide to keep everyone happy and content.

You want the truth? I don't really smile anymore. I've forgotten what my real laugh sounds like, what it's like to be truly happy once again. Before anyone says I should talk to my friends about it, I can't. My so-called friends are part of the problem. They don't care, if they truly cared they would be able to see past this mask I've created. I am forever alone.

I do have people I care about, don't get me wrong. I'm happy for Yukio and his accomplishments, after all he is my little twin brother. I will always be happy for Yukio, and I will always be here for him. He has accomplished so much, compared to the screw-up myself. He deserves to be praised. I, on the other hand, do not.

Even when we were young, Yukio was the one all the teachers and everyone at the monastery loved. He was the one who got perfect grades, and the praise. I was the screw-up twin, the one who caused all the fights, the one who skipped school. I could never catch a break. When I was younger, I managed to completely destroy an entire kindergarten room.

Demon

They would call me. I guess that's the irony though, because I really am a demon. Or that's how everyone treats me now. Not just any demon either, the king of all demons. The son of Satan.

Yes, Yukio is my twin brother, but I was the only one who inherited the flames. The blue flames, the flames that ruined my life. Even if I am a demon, I am also half human. That's what everyone forgets. I was raised as a human, I have emotions just like everyone else does, but all anyone sees right now if the demon half of me.

Everything was going great, too. Right before I lost control of my flames, almost killed some classmates, destroyed almost half of a forest, life was good I guess. When I joined the cram school, it was almost like a fresh start. I was no longer the demon that terrorized the city, I had a chance of making friends. Then the same day I made true friends, I also almost killed them.

It has been a month since the incident, and they went from being friends to completely ignoring me. Not that I really cared, I was used to it. The petrified stares I get when I walk into the small class of about 7 people. The scared looks, the furious looks. The looks that say I shouldn't be alive. They're right though, I'm just a demon. They have a right to be scared, mad, whatever!

These are the thoughts that crossed my mind every time I drag a dull razor across my arm. A few droplets of blood pool onto my skin, and I watch it. It doesn't hurt anymore. This is nothing compared to what I've dealt with. I make sure to cut lightly, so it doesn't scar. Like it matters really.

I don't even have to worry about bleeding out, or scars really. My demon healing abilities heal me. This wound will probably heal itself in about an hour or so. I left school early today so I could calm myself before going to cram school.

I take the blade and pull it across my skin again, watching as the dull blade bites deeper into my skin and more blood trickles down my arm.

Every time I feel down, I cut. If I'm feeling anxious, I cut. If I want to, I cut. I can feel all the tension leave me with every cut I make. The best thing is, there is no proof to show for it. As long as I don't cut deep enough, my demonic healing will heal it completely.

I look down the hall way at a clock, it reads three o'clock.

"Shit! Has it been this long already?" I exclaim, walking over to the sink and turning it on. I shove my arm under it and watch the pearl basin turn pink from my blood. I look up in the mirror at myself and sigh. "I guess it doesn't really matter anyways, nobody even wants me there. Maybe it'll just be best if I stay home..."

I shut off the tap and dry my arm. I can already see my arm starting to heal, the blood has nearly stopped running. A few drops form on my skin still, and I catch myself sighing once more.

"But then Yukio will get mad at me later, and that's really not worth it. I guess I'll head there." I say to no one, walking into the room Yukio and I share. I grab one of the true Cross Academy uniforms and slip it on. At least the uniform is black, so I don't have to worry about anyone seeing the blood on my arm. I grab Kurikara and take out a key to transport me to the Academy.

XxXxXx

I push the door open and walk into Gehenna. Well, not literally I guess. But it feels like it. I know I'm late, class started at three sharp. Yukio stops his lesson to see me walk in. I put on one of my classic smiles and rub the back of my head.

"Sorry, everyone! I got a little held up!" I say with as much energy as I can muster, then walk over and take my place in the first row. Even when I sit down I can feel everyone's eyes on me and I start to wish I didn't come. I start to feel anxious and depressed again, and all I want to do is rip my arm open again.

I was starting to get lost in thought again, but my name snapped me back into focus.

"Okumura-kun." Yukio says.

Shit. Dammit!

"Yes, Yukio-sensei." I say, suddenly alert. My shoulders tense, he's probably asking me a question he knows I don't know. Dammit, I hate this.

"You have lessons with Miss Kirigakure today." He says, watching me.

"Oh, okay! Thank you, sensei!" I nearly shout, smiling at him. I gather my stuff and leave the class. 'Yes, private lessons!' I think to myself, heading down to the training room.

XxXxXx

When I swing the door open to the batting cage / training room, I'm welcomed by getting a can of alcohol thrown in my face.

"Yer late!" Shura says, glaring at me.

I rub my nose. "Sorry." I reply.

Shura raises an eyebrow. "Not like ya to apologize." She points out.

Fuck!

"Is it?" I smile. "Well maybe I'm turning over a new leaf." I say. 'Smooth, like anyone will believe that.'

She obviously doesn't believe it but she doesn't push the subject, thank God.

I must've been staring at one spot for too long.

"Y'okay? Ya look like shit, Rin." Shura says, eyeing me.

I shake my head enthusiastically. "No, I'm fine!" I smile, "I just have some stuff on my mind."

I grab three candles and set them down, rushing to make it seem like I'm alright. However, that plan goes to shit when the two outside candles burst into flames that shoot high into the air. Once extinguished, Shura walks over to me and grabs my arm. I tense, and she must've felt it.

"Go home, Rin. Ya can't concentrate right now. Go sleep it off. Yer control won't get better unless yer concentration is good."

"...Fine." Is all I say. I need to get out, I feel winded. I grab my stuff and run out the door.

XxXxXx

I shove the door open to our dorm and throw my stuff down.

It hurts. My chest.

I run into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me with my demon tail. My hands fumble for the razor once more. I rip it across my skin and I can instantly feel myself calming down. I watch the blood dribble off my fingertips into the cream sink again, staining it a ruby red.

Thank God for long sleeved shirts, Yukio won't see anything. I pull the razor across my skin again, this time lighter. I can breath again, the pain in my chest is already starting to fade.

I know I'm a cutter, I won't deny it. I won't change, I won't ever be able to quit. I will always be drawn back now that I know how it feels. How it calms your nerves. After all, I'm just a failure.

When I was thirteen, teachers said I'm a failure compared to my brother. How I will never go anywhere in life. I went home that day and made a nice, long scar from my knee to mid thigh. I like it, it's a constant reminder that I'm the failure.

I look down at the rolling storage compartment. Over the years, I've gotten good at hiding my tools. I roll it back until it falls out of place. I catch it before it falls on the ground with my bleeding arm. The strain causes it to bleed on the ground and I can feel the ache in my arm. Pain, it's beautiful. I deserve it.

I place it on the ground and reach in behind, feeling a metal pop-tab. I pull it out from behind and roll the storage compartment back into place. I liked using these pop-tabs, they were more precise. I put my arm back over the sink and look at the blue vein. I'm not very precise still; but I use it and drag it across my skin, following the vein all the way up my arm. It stings, it's painful. It's beautiful and I deserve it.

It's too shallow though.

I jerk my hand suddenly, causing it to bite deep. Blood instantly pours from it, right next to the vein. Any human would've passed out from blood loss from now, but I don't. Just a friendly reminder that I'm not human. It doesn't even hurt that bad. It feels so good, I just feel relaxed now.

For the first time in a while, I grin. It feels good. I know this one will scar.

I hear a soft thumping, but I shake it off. Probably my heartbeat filling up with adrenaline. I can feel my senses going crazy, there is mumbling outside. Sounds like Yukio, he's probably talking to himself. I don't care.

I put it on my skin again, about to tear myself a new one, my senses on overdrive because it feels so good. I push it against my skin and I feel myself get goosebumps from excitement. Almost like a high.

Then I hear the door handle turn and swing open.

Oh, great.

Yukio, and the group of ex-wires from his cram class stare at the ground like they're ashamed. They're ashamed faces turn to shock when they see my fresh scar and all the blood on my arm and the sink.

I thought about what I would do if this moment came. Probably yell at everyone, tell them they're terrible people. Instead, I still felt calm.

"You won't understand anything, and you never will."

I walk over to them, blood dribbling off my fingers onto the floor. I put my hand on the door, staining it red.

"You won't make me stop."

I shut the door in their faces, leaving a bloody hand mark right in the middle of the door.

XxXxXx

A/N: Tell me what you think please! I plan on continuing this story. I know this chapter was kind of dull in some parts, but all stories have dull moments. Plus it's the first chapter so there had to be a lot of explanation throughout the chapter. Things will get more... interesting you can say from here on out.